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About The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current | View Entire Issue (March 21, 1983)
IV/Aggie Rag/Nevermore STOP THE PRESSES Gramm and filly take on Congress Highway one way. 6 only runs Film at 11. United Parody.International WASHINGTON — U.S. Rep. Phil Gramm, R-Texas, astounded his constituents Thursday when he announced that he will resign from his party and hold another special election. In January, Gramm announced that due to conflicts with the Demo cratic party, he would resign and run as a Republican. He won a spe cial election to regain his seat. On Thursday, Gramm announced that he would resign as a Republican to run as a member of the newly formed Boll Weevil Party, based in North Zulch. “If the Republican party can’t accept my ideas and won’t let me run the party, they’ll just have to do without me,” Gramm said in a press conference Thursday. Republican leaders said they started to wonder about Gramm last week, when several hundred Gramm supporters stood in the Gapitol lobby and shouted: “Gig’em, Gramm. Beat the hell outta Con gress!” On Tuesday, Gramm, wielding a saber, rode into the House chamber on a white filly. Bringing his saber down just in ches from House Speaker Tip O’Neill’s nose, Gramm demanded immediate control of the Republi can and Democratic parties. When the sergeant-at-arms Rep. Phil Gramm Gramm’s filly escorted Gramm and his filly out, Gramm shouted: “I will return! I have not yet begun to fight! I cannot tell a lie! Ask not what your country can do for ...” Gramm said that the entire event was “just a little publicity stunt.” He said that he didn’t want control of both the Democratic and Republi can parties, just the Republican party. “That’s all I need,” he said. Gramm said the Boll Weevil par ty’s platform was to work to return the power of the federal govern ment to Texas and to establish an all-Aggie government, with a board of regents to run the country and a president appointed by that board. “After all,” Gramm said, “it works here, why can’t it work on the federal level? We have preeminence at Texas A&M. Why not national preeminence?” University President Francesco Vanducci said he thought Gramm “is a fine politician,” but said he thought Gramm was taking the world university idea “just a bit too far.” Regent chairman B.S. “Ultra” Brite disagreed with Vanducci. “Gig’em, Gramm, beat the hell outta Congress!” he said. by Gary Barker Aggie Rag Staff A mysterious unmovable roadb lock that is keeping cars from leaving Brazos County was discovered by county police yesterday. “We don’t know where in the heck it came from,” Brazos County Sheriff Sam T. Goodlboy said. “All we know is that it means Highway 6 only runs one way now.” Goodlboy said that the roadblock means that cars can come into the Bryan-College Station area — but none can leave. He estimated that un less police can remove the roadblock, the population in Brazos County will be 500,000 by the end of the month. Local merchants and businessman seemed pleased with the prospect. “Heh, heh, heh ... I like it!” Bryan businessman Frank N. Stein said. But University admissions officials were not as pleased with the situation. Admissions Director I.M. Para noid said: “I think it’s a plot by UT to force substandard students into A&M so that they can beat us in the race to preeminence. “They’re always out to get us,” Pa ranoid said. “They probably had help from other Southwest Conference schools, maybe even Harvard and Yale. They all want to be better than us. They might have even had help from the Communists. All of them want to infiltrate our precious bodily fluids.” Several students said the roadblock was “bad bull.” mysterious into their STRANGE: This County residents Zone! “What are we gonna do?” asked Billy Joe Bob from Old Dimebox. “I guess now when somebody complains about something at Texas A&M, we’ll just have to shoot ’em.” “Beat the hell outta roadblocks,” several students shouted. An unidentified man standing near the roadblock yesterday was shouting orders at motorists, but they failed to heed his calls. “You have just entered a town where 100,000 people are trapped in their narrow ideological views,” the man said, “where dissenters are pu/ ished and anyone wearing orange is shot. roadblock own version has locked Brazos of the Twilight “You havejust entered ... the Twi light Zone.” J()!: Uni Police tried to apprehend the man trembles several times, but he repeatedly ran into another dimension. “Damn freaky,” officer Billy Bob Bumsmith said. “I ain’t never seen nuthin’ like it. He (the unidentified man) looks just like that ole guy what’s his name? Rod Sterling or sumthin’. But he’s dead, ain’t he?”L At that point Bumsmith fainted and had to be revived. Sheriff Goodlboy said: “It’s no big idx ca ^' n deal. We’ll have the culprits run outta Dime \ ou town by sundown or my name ain’t jner, John Buford T. Justice.” Jiana Suit Denise Ri il £ Students for hire: A&M’s secret shame Scott McC Llette Hut ilaine Eng /3 n Bisho] rand Mis by Daran Bishop Aggie Rag Staff So you think Texas A&M finally is taking steps to increase its minority enrollment? Think again. The Aggie Rag, in keeping with its long tradition of in-depth investigative re porting, has uncovered startling new evi dence that the University is hiring minorities to pose as students in a last-ditch attempt to increase its minority enrollment. In a secret interview in a second floor util ity room at Cain Hall, an unidentified source posing as a pizza delivery man talked about the problems and rewards of being a student- for-nire. “My main problem is time,” the source said. “There are so many places around campus I need to be seen. It isn’t easy getting from the Academic and Agency Building to the Acade mic Building every other hour in time to be seen by the prospective students touring the campus. It can really tire a guy out.” A lot of preparation goes into being a stu- dent-for-hire, the source said. “The University issues us textbooks and a sheet of topics to discuss,” he said. “They like us to talk about typical student stuff: classes, drugs, sex and football. They’re also pretty strict about what we wear. T-shirts and Wranglers are preferred.” However, the student disguise sometimes can backfire. “The only serious problem that comes up is when a real student sees one of my textbooks and asks me a question about some home work,” he said. “Usually I just tell them I’m on the football team, and they leave me alone.” /The student-for-hire scheme is fairly re cent, the source said. “The football team used to fulfill this func tion,” he said. “Before (Coach Jockie) Shorts’ new rule requiring athletes to go to class, they could be seen almost anywhere on campus — except classrooms.” The source speculated on the University’s reason for instigating the student-for-hire program. “It’s a lot cheaper than minority recruit ment programs, plus it makes sure only the ‘right’ kind of minorities attend Texas A&M,” he said. “It totally eliminates the radical ele ment.” Other alternatives to the minority problem included kicking out white students until the ratio was evened or having a percentage of white students darken their faces, the source said. “The University planned to start kicking out students in such ‘expendable’ majors as education, wildlife fisheries and the liberal arts programs,” he said. “They planned to use the amount of money each department gen erated as a guide on whether to keep it or throw it out. “However, the political science department volunteered their students to be the first to go. You know what bleeding-heart liberals they Blacks are not the only minority the stu- dents-for-hire are employed to represent, the source said. “A large majority of us represent foreign students,” he said. “The From-Far-Away Stu dents Association serves as our headquar ters.” The FSA tables up in the Memorial Student Center have much the same purpose as the Army, Navy and Air Force tables, the source said. “We recruit a lot of our people through those tables,” he said. “Of course, we have to be a lot more subtle since our operation is strictly undercover.” Once someone is hired to impersonate a "We do this through the travel committee,” he said. “On the surface it looks like a study- abroad program for A&M students. In real- is the basis of the whole student-for-hire ity, it i lj|it Rag Si vlParody Ir kagle News liwsily Hap tad My Dot Football foreign or minority student, they usually are sent to the country of their choice to pick up the accent and mannerisms of that country, the source said. program. Just think about it, have you ever actually met a person who has been on one of ^ ^ a those trips?” JL nti satf Employees in the program who are better than average are promoted to the Teaching Assistants-For-Hire program. They pose as P -- foreign or minority TAs, usually in the en gineering department, the source said. “These guys are real professionals,” he said. “There is one from Muncie, Ind., whose Pakistan accent is so thick you’d swear he was a native. Of course, only a few know he’s not.’™ The students-for-hire program is not lij mited to Texas A&M, the source said. “Almost every Southwest Conference school has a similar program,” he said. “Ha« ven’t you ever wondered about those white students at Prairie View A&M?” ’Elaine En What’s Hapnitil Someday PHI LHASA APSO:will hold its annual spring string bikini untyirig contest. BYOB. BYOT. BUTT. SWUMP:will have a yell-and-get-mad at conservatives party. Bring your own ideology. THE KNIGHTS OF KAMPUS KORPSMEN:will have a yell-and- get-mad at liberals party. Bring your own sabers and sheets. BITS AND BYTES BRIGADE:meet and discuss how to tamper with the University computer system — and not get caught. METAPHYSICAL SOCIE'l Y:will debate its own existence. Rag 5 iminc, the might's Justness, i io bills anc foradditio .'Bike Rul< e." deals w Mpus. A s ktsidence discovery onecampii Voter Apa > Elections tforadditi on. BimaTradic KAMPUS KOPS:will sponsor a lecture on self-defense for the pizza id she delivery man. campt FARMERS COMMUNICATIONS SOCIETY:will discuss how to ;'hel m take pictures of a black cow at night. TAMU POLO CLUB:will hold a wash-and-wax-your-Rolis-Koyce party. Bring your own lackey. FIGHT-FOR-JOBS CENTER: will hold a seminar on how to claw and fight your way to the first of the interview sign-up line. Guerila warfare gear is recommended. atmosplu |S what he Masked, people ke »everyoi COMPANY B-52:will hold a seminar on techniques for killing the Third World guerilla. Participants are asked to provide their own bananas. STUDENT GOVERNMENT:will sponsor a debate between former UT student body president Hank the Hallucination and I e xas A&M| Student Body President Tap Noserap. I he topic will be: I he im portance of student government in today’s society." (r tgulation 1 spc >iKle of nuclear fallout on developing piglets. BLUE GENES SOCIETY:will clone members of the public for its annual fund-raising. Bring your own genes. MINORITY RACE ASSOCIATION:will hold a mock race riot by Rudder Fountain. Students are needed to play both rioters and cops THE MILLION DOLLAR AGS CLUB: will honor seniors with a free steak dinner and then pass the hat. GENETIC-ATHLETIC ENGINEERING SOCIETY:will discuss cloning a championship football team. SOCIETY OF PROFESSIONAL JOURNALISTS:will discuss ihe ethics of parody writing. SI o F See slidt the com 111 attend be ma MARYLAND CLUB: The Maryland Club will be meeting at Max- 'Icoups, well’s house tonight at 7 p.m. Tonight’s guest speaker is Juan Valdez, loQy e2a j who will be talking about his summer vacation spent picking coffee beans in Columbia. Mrs. Olsen will serve refreshments. ADD-A-BEAD FOR THE POOR: The Panhellenic Society will be sponsoring an add-a-bead-for-the-poor drive. Students are en- vj||enroll couraged to donate gold beads of any millimeter size to be made into |.| ^ necklaces and given to poor families in the B-CS area. SOCIETY TO PROTECT YOUR PRECIOUS BODILY N (or 1 FLUIDS: A “How to Keep Communists from Invading Your E|Salved Precious Bodily Fluids” seminar will be held in the rifle range of the Trigon. Only people with security clearances will be given the date. Distilled water and pure grain alcohol will be served. Gen. J. IfB, fl| ng. Ripper will speak.