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About The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current | View Entire Issue (Sept. 2, 1987)
Page 2/The Battalion/Wednesday, September 2, l 1 Opinion mr.'> Aft Finding the perfect weapon: The pit bullfoi Fade in. Scene: A meeting of the Chiefs of Staff. The room is dark and smoky. The president sits complacently at the head of the table. He chuckles occasionally as he reads the Mini Page. The secretary turns on General #2 (stands up; his chair falls behind him): A dog! General #3: Professor, I believe that you need to reconsider this proposal. President: Such a cute little doggie. What’s his name? Mark Nair the tape recorder. The meeting begins. General # 1 (chews on giant cigar): Mr. President. . . President (looks around the room quickly): Shhhh! No names. You know what to call me. General #1: Sorry (stabs cigar in ashtray). President X, we believe that we have a solution to our problems in Central America and the Persian Gulf. President: A solution? General #2: A solution. General #3: Go ahead, professor. A small bald man with thick glasses stands up in the corner. He walks methodically to the table. The atmosphere is tense. Professor: Thank you. President X, I have dreamed of this day for many years. And now my dream is a reality! President X, I submit to you the most important military advance since the Bomb. I give you the perfect weapon! (Claps hands once). The professor’s assistant enters the room. He places a brown-and-white dog on the table and leaves. President: Oh! What a cute little doggie. Professor: Dog, yes. Cute and little, not so. President X, this is a pit bull. Do not let his appearance deceive you. You can safely say that this animal is the world’s most dangerous mammal. GenefdT#! (lights up another cigar): But professor, you said . . . Professor: Wait, gentlemen. You don’t seem to understand. Politically, pit bulls are a perfect weapon. Nobody likes them. If we can get rid of them and at the same time help our allies, why not? Militarily, pit bulls are perfect. They have no fear. They attack and attack and attack. They have no morale problems; they never tire. They are the - absolute killing machine. And economically, well, let me use an example. Generals, how much does it cost to run a tank? General #1 (confused): Tanks? General #2 (bemused): The big metal things? General #3: On a good day, gas- mileage-wise, they average 29 gallons to the mile country, 34 city. Professor (smugly): In other words, a lot of gas. But do you know what you need to run a good pit bull for one day? President: I give up. What? Professor (dramatically): Alpo. President: Alpo? Professor: Wait until triple coupons and watch that deficit shrink. President: Promising. General # 1: But it’s a dog! General #2: A mutt! General #3: A Hound! Professor: A war machine. Look, we can put them into foreign countries as sleepers for a few years. We infiltrate their very social and political structure with pit bull puppies. And then, when the time is right, we call them into duty. They attack with surprise, stealth, and cunning. The enemy will never know what hit them. General #T: A cunning fighter? Professor: Pit bulls are the world’s best guerrilla fighters. The pit bull on the table growls menacingly. Professor: The teeth of the pit bull can easily rip through any known metal The pit bull’s fur is impervious to any attack. Like I said, gentlemen, the pit bull is IT. Fearless and tough. The President looks interested. He crosses his arms. President (to the dog): Contra. Dog waves his tail. President: Godless communist expansion in our free and democratic hemisphere. Dog barks wildly. President: The media. Dog hops up and down, barks, yelps, and rips General #3’s uniform into shreds. President: Well, I’m satisfied. Professor, I commend you. We will go with your weapon, and may God help us all. General # 1: Good choice. General #2: Excellent. General #3 (looking at uniform): 1 don’t have to pay for this, do I? Professor: You won’t regret it, President X. By 5 'he crew ;arch vesse President: 1 hope not. (Picks up-Mii Q, lorec j py Page and turns to the Mini jokes) Wh.,ari in the r< gets bigger the more you take from it-il Gulf of IV Generals shrug. President: A hole! Get it? ran a Sena Bi on jidy ls and t he 'ei c cornmei The room is filled with rambuncti dligence ari< and joyous laughter. Fade out. ava * ' rac * 111 ' Ke 12 resc Mark Nair is a senior political sciencrponsored ho major and a columnist forThe iGalveston. Battalion. ^ „ fust contac u ftjjrm them tl f26, may ha' fid after th Cranston turf under si lited for T no essary w; Michael Col< ■ Colcacont Was the resu that reporti Ban threw ; atross the rc tfirfs cousin ... Overturf MARGOUK Jolcacone’s Of Course deregulation has been beneficial... look how many flights there are to choose from ! tradition an to Texas. Ollie, Kevin make deceit heroic The pervading . message of the Iran-contra hearings and subsequent deification of Lt. Col. Oliver North is that deceiving i the public is heroic. Loren Steffy Guest Columnist Texas has had such heroes for years. We even elected one governor — twice. But public deception isn’t limited to politics. Former Texas A&M quarterback Kevin Murray, like North, epitomizes the idea that spitting in the hand that feeds you is the stuff of which heroes are made. North hoodwinked the American people, and allegedly the president, in the name of his country. Murray has joined forces with the NCAA, an ironic pairing to be sure, to protest the deluge of newspaper lawsuits calling for the full release of Texas A&M’s in-house investigation into allegations of NCAA rules violations. Murray, who is no longer an A&M student, claims that releasing the details withheld earlier would violate his right to privacy. The NCAA claims that releasing the information would silence any whistleblowers, thereby hindering further investigations. As someone who spent several hours weeding through the first 1,000 pages of A&M’s report, I find it difficult to believe the University ever contacted “whistleblowers.” Neither Murray’s name nor the allegations that prompted the investigation were mentioned in the report. The most serious transgression of rules came from a coach who had loaned several players $60 and didn’t complain when they only paid back $50 The report also included information on violations of the complimentary ticket policy — as well as fire escape procedures for the athletic dormitory. If these are the comprehensive results, as University officials claim, why is Murray worried about his privacy? He apparently was cleared of any wrongdoing, or perhaps never even questioned. The school has said the gist of the investigation was released in the first part of the report. If the most serious violation of NCAA regulations was the failure to repay a personal loan, why has the University not divulged the more than 1,000 pages that were deleted from the report? A&M never has realized that as a state institution it has certain obligations to the public that supports it. Before the school would release the deletion-riddled report in April, three newspapers had to file lawsuits under the Freedom of Information Act. What “results” were released raised more questions than they answered. The University’s defense then, as now, was the students’ right to privacy. Former A&M Sports Information Director Tom Turbiville once told me that newspapers should treat college athletes like any other students. Why, he asked, is it bigger news if a football player beats up a pizza delivery man than if any other student does? The reason is simple. .Athletes have chosen to pursue a career that, like that of public officials or celebrities, puts them in the limelight. Yes, Murray has a right to privacy as a student. But Texas taxpayers also have a right to know if their money is being misused. A&M’s charade of an “in-house investigation” isn’t fooling anyone, and neither is the NCAA’s feigned concern. Which brings us to the ultimate defense, already murmured on the A&M campus and shouted unabashedly at Southern Methodist University — “every school does it.” That type of excuse never got me off the hook with my mother, and it shouldn’t get dishonest athletic programs off the hook with policing agencies, either. If Murray learned one thing during his stay at A&M, it was adopting the school’s mindset on controversy: Ignore it. And if that doesn’t work, avoid the questions while attacking the credibility of the people who want to know. The press is typecast as the villain, the violator of an otherwise pure football program. After several months of denials and refusals, the logic goes, the press becomes the instigator rather than the investigator of the problem. The important thing isn’t what was done but that someone might find out and want to do something. So Murray screams that his privacy will be violated while ignoring his violation of the public trust. North’s infractions were committed on a larger scale, and the Marine officer was more into giving while the quarterback may have favored receiving, but the principle is the same — breaking the rules doesn’t matter if no one finds out. If North, riding a wave of public admiration, decides to run for president, he might want to consider Murray for a running mate. After all, they’re playing the same game, just in different leagues. Loren Steffy is a business writer for the Arlington Daily News. Mail Call D The wrong kind of yell EDITOR: Monday I attended All-University Night, a program designed primarily to welcome new Aggies and give returning Ags an opportunity to reunite. At the risk of offending the many, 1 would like to address the few: Obscene, profane dorm yells — and I don’t mean previously established and known dorm hump-its, but rather those hastily devised and intended toinsuli] rival dorms — are inappropriate at a University function. While this sort of good-natured and raunchy exchange can be funny and good for morale, its best place is in dorm areas. As for the “build-the-hell-outta-non-reg-bonfire” yell, you have missed the whole meaning of bonfire. Anyone who has witnessed or participated in the building of the bonfire knows that it is the symbol of an undying A&M unity and brotherhood as well as desire to beat t.u. that should and does transcend anything so mundane as cadet or non-reg, male or female. Andrea Pendery ’88 8 Robbing the sea's graves EDITOR: The sea is a dark and mysterious thing. Some hear its voice and are lured by its promise of thrill and danger. Some hear the voice and follow it to seek its wealth. Many of us would jump at the prospect to claim a chest full of diamonds, cash and jewelry from the sea. But what if that chest was buried with someone? Would you take it then? What if the chest was a safe buried with 1,522 people? What then? In fact, we are speaking of the R.M.S. Titanic and her ill-fated April 15, 1912, voyage in which she struck an iceberg and sank, taking over 1,500 passengers and crew down with her. If you said yes to the question of recovering the safe, you are in the same position as the French expedition that has taken many an article from the Titanic’s hull. Today, as in the past, man has a word for this sort of action: grave-robbing. It is illegal. Greed has blinded you to your actions. And as to the fellow who comes up with some other excuse to take such articles from the Titanic, I ask you to give him directions to your grandfather’s grave. Rob W. LaDue ’88 E tl F u Letters to the editor should not exceed 300 words in length. The editorial staff reserves the right to edithlttn for style and length, but will make every effort to maintain the author's intent. Each letter must be signed ant must include the classification, address and telephone number of the writer. BLOOM COUNTY by BerKe Breath* The Battalion (USPS 045 360) Member of Texas Press Association Southwest Journalism Conference The Battalion Editorial Board Sondra Pickard, Editor John Jarvis, Managing Editor Sue Krenek, Opinion Page Editor Rodney Rather, City Editor Robbyn Lister, News Editor Loyd Brumfield, Sports Editor Tracy Staton, Photo Editor Editorial Policy The Battalion is a non-profit, self-supporting newspaper oper ated as a community service to Texas A&M and Bryan-College Station. Opinions expressed in The Battalion are those of the editorial board or the author, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Texas A&M administrators, faculty or the Board of Regents. The Battalion also serves as a laboratory newspaper for stu dents in reporting, editing and photography classes within the De partment of Journalism. The Battalion is published Monday through Friday during Texas A&M regular semesters, except for holiday and examina tion periods. Mail subscriptions are $17.44 per semester, $34.62 per school year and $36.44 per full year. Advertising rates furnished oti re quest. Our address: The Battalion, 216 Reed McDonald, Texas A&M University, College Station, TX 77843-4 111. Second class postage paid at College Station, TX 77843. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to The Battalion, 216 Reed McDonald, Texas A&M University, College Station TX 77843-4111. OUR F00R OPUS ? 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