Page 2/The Battalion/Wednesday, September 2, l 1
Opinion
mr.'>
Aft
Finding the perfect weapon: The pit bullfoi
Fade in. Scene:
A meeting of the
Chiefs of Staff.
The room is dark
and smoky. The
president sits
complacently at
the head of the
table. He chuckles
occasionally as he
reads the Mini
Page. The
secretary turns on
General #2 (stands up; his chair falls
behind him): A dog!
General #3: Professor, I believe that
you need to reconsider this proposal.
President: Such a cute little doggie.
What’s his name?
Mark
Nair
the tape recorder. The meeting begins.
General # 1 (chews on giant cigar):
Mr. President. . .
President (looks around the room
quickly): Shhhh! No names. You know
what to call me.
General #1: Sorry (stabs cigar in
ashtray). President X, we believe that we
have a solution to our problems in
Central America and the Persian Gulf.
President: A solution?
General #2: A solution.
General #3: Go ahead, professor.
A small bald man with thick glasses
stands up in the corner. He walks
methodically to the table. The
atmosphere is tense.
Professor: Thank you. President X, I
have dreamed of this day for many
years. And now my dream is a reality!
President X, I submit to you the most
important military advance since the
Bomb. I give you the perfect weapon!
(Claps hands once).
The professor’s assistant enters the
room. He places a brown-and-white dog
on the table and leaves.
President: Oh! What a cute little
doggie.
Professor: Dog, yes. Cute and little,
not so. President X, this is a pit bull. Do
not let his appearance deceive you. You
can safely say that this animal is the
world’s most dangerous mammal.
GenefdT#! (lights up another cigar):
But professor, you said . . .
Professor: Wait, gentlemen. You
don’t seem to understand. Politically, pit
bulls are a perfect weapon. Nobody likes
them. If we can get rid of them and at
the same time help our allies, why not?
Militarily, pit bulls are perfect. They
have no fear. They attack and attack
and attack. They have no morale
problems; they never tire. They are the -
absolute killing machine. And
economically, well, let me use an
example. Generals, how much does it
cost to run a tank?
General #1 (confused): Tanks?
General #2 (bemused): The big
metal things?
General #3: On a good day, gas-
mileage-wise, they average 29 gallons to
the mile country, 34 city.
Professor (smugly): In other words, a
lot of gas. But do you know what you
need to run a good pit bull for one day?
President: I give up. What?
Professor (dramatically): Alpo.
President: Alpo?
Professor: Wait until triple coupons
and watch that deficit shrink.
President: Promising.
General # 1: But it’s a dog!
General #2: A mutt!
General #3: A Hound!
Professor: A war machine. Look, we
can put them into foreign countries as
sleepers for a few years. We infiltrate
their very social and political structure
with pit bull puppies. And then, when
the time is right, we call them into duty.
They attack with surprise, stealth, and
cunning. The enemy will never know
what hit them.
General #T: A cunning fighter?
Professor: Pit bulls are the world’s
best guerrilla fighters.
The pit bull on the table growls
menacingly.
Professor: The teeth of the pit bull
can easily rip through any known metal
The pit bull’s fur is impervious to any
attack. Like I said, gentlemen, the pit
bull is IT. Fearless and tough.
The President looks interested. He
crosses his arms.
President (to the dog): Contra.
Dog waves his tail.
President: Godless communist
expansion in our free and democratic
hemisphere.
Dog barks wildly.
President: The media.
Dog hops up and down, barks, yelps,
and rips General #3’s uniform into
shreds.
President: Well, I’m satisfied.
Professor, I commend you. We will go
with your weapon, and may God help us
all.
General # 1: Good choice.
General #2: Excellent.
General #3 (looking at uniform): 1
don’t have to pay for this, do I?
Professor: You won’t regret it,
President X.
By 5
'he crew
;arch vesse
President: 1 hope not. (Picks up-Mii Q, lorec j py
Page and turns to the Mini jokes) Wh.,ari in the r<
gets bigger the more you take from it-il Gulf of IV
Generals shrug.
President: A hole! Get it?
ran a Sena
Bi on jidy
ls and t he
'ei c cornmei
The room is filled with rambuncti dligence ari<
and joyous laughter. Fade out. ava * ' rac * 111 '
Ke 12 resc
Mark Nair is a senior political sciencrponsored ho
major and a columnist forThe iGalveston.
Battalion.
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Ollie, Kevin make deceit heroic
The pervading .
message of the
Iran-contra
hearings and
subsequent
deification of Lt.
Col. Oliver North
is that deceiving i
the public is heroic.
Loren
Steffy
Guest Columnist
Texas has had such heroes for years.
We even elected one governor — twice.
But public deception isn’t limited to
politics. Former Texas A&M
quarterback Kevin Murray, like North,
epitomizes the idea that spitting in the
hand that feeds you is the stuff of which
heroes are made.
North hoodwinked the American
people, and allegedly the president, in
the name of his country.
Murray has joined forces with the
NCAA, an ironic pairing to be sure, to
protest the deluge of newspaper
lawsuits calling for the full release of
Texas A&M’s in-house investigation
into allegations of NCAA rules
violations.
Murray, who is no longer an A&M
student, claims that releasing the details
withheld earlier would violate his right
to privacy.
The NCAA claims that releasing the
information would silence any
whistleblowers, thereby hindering
further investigations.
As someone who spent several hours
weeding through the first 1,000 pages
of A&M’s report, I find it difficult to
believe the University ever contacted
“whistleblowers.”
Neither Murray’s name nor the
allegations that prompted the
investigation were mentioned in the
report.
The most serious transgression of
rules came from a coach who had
loaned several players $60 and didn’t
complain when they only paid back $50
The report also included information
on violations of the complimentary
ticket policy — as well as fire escape
procedures for the athletic dormitory.
If these are the comprehensive
results, as University officials claim, why
is Murray worried about his privacy? He
apparently was cleared of any
wrongdoing, or perhaps never even
questioned.
The school has said the gist of the
investigation was released in the first
part of the report.
If the most serious violation of NCAA
regulations was the failure to repay a
personal loan, why has the University
not divulged the more than 1,000 pages
that were deleted from the report?
A&M never has realized that as a state
institution it has certain obligations to
the public that supports it.
Before the school would release the
deletion-riddled report in April, three
newspapers had to file lawsuits under
the Freedom of Information Act.
What “results” were released raised
more questions than they answered.
The University’s defense then, as now,
was the students’ right to privacy.
Former A&M Sports Information
Director Tom Turbiville once told me
that newspapers should treat college
athletes like any other students.
Why, he asked, is it bigger news if a
football player beats up a pizza delivery
man than if any other student does?
The reason is simple. .Athletes have
chosen to pursue a career that, like that
of public officials or celebrities, puts
them in the limelight.
Yes, Murray has a right to privacy as a
student. But Texas taxpayers also have
a right to know if their money is being
misused.
A&M’s charade of an “in-house
investigation” isn’t fooling anyone, and
neither is the NCAA’s feigned concern.
Which brings us to the ultimate
defense, already murmured on the
A&M campus and shouted unabashedly
at Southern Methodist University —
“every school does it.”
That type of excuse never got me off
the hook with my mother, and it
shouldn’t get dishonest athletic
programs off the hook with policing
agencies, either.
If Murray learned one thing during
his stay at A&M, it was adopting the
school’s mindset on controversy: Ignore
it.
And if that doesn’t work, avoid the
questions while attacking the credibility
of the people who want to know.
The press is typecast as the villain, the
violator of an otherwise pure football
program.
After several months of denials and
refusals, the logic goes, the press
becomes the instigator rather than the
investigator of the problem.
The important thing isn’t what was
done but that someone might find out
and want to do something.
So Murray screams that his privacy
will be violated while ignoring his
violation of the public trust.
North’s infractions were committed
on a larger scale, and the Marine officer
was more into giving while the
quarterback may have favored
receiving, but the principle is the same
— breaking the rules doesn’t matter if
no one finds out.
If North, riding a wave of public
admiration, decides to run for
president, he might want to consider
Murray for a running mate.
After all, they’re playing the same
game, just in different leagues.
Loren Steffy is a business writer for the
Arlington Daily News.
Mail Call
D
The wrong kind of yell
EDITOR:
Monday I attended All-University Night, a program designed primarily to
welcome new Aggies and give returning Ags an opportunity to reunite.
At the risk of offending the many, 1 would like to address the few:
Obscene, profane dorm yells — and I don’t mean previously established and
known dorm hump-its, but rather those hastily devised and intended toinsuli]
rival dorms — are inappropriate at a University function. While this sort of
good-natured and raunchy exchange can be funny and good for morale, its
best place is in dorm areas.
As for the “build-the-hell-outta-non-reg-bonfire” yell, you have missed
the whole meaning of bonfire. Anyone who has witnessed or participated in
the building of the bonfire knows that it is the symbol of an undying A&M
unity and brotherhood as well as desire to beat t.u. that should and does
transcend anything so mundane as cadet or non-reg, male or female.
Andrea Pendery ’88
8
Robbing the sea's graves
EDITOR:
The sea is a dark and mysterious thing. Some hear its voice and are lured
by its promise of thrill and danger. Some hear the voice and follow it to seek
its wealth.
Many of us would jump at the prospect to claim a chest full of diamonds,
cash and jewelry from the sea. But what if that chest was buried with
someone? Would you take it then? What if the chest was a safe buried with
1,522 people? What then?
In fact, we are speaking of the R.M.S. Titanic and her ill-fated April 15,
1912, voyage in which she struck an iceberg and sank, taking over 1,500
passengers and crew down with her. If you said yes to the question of
recovering the safe, you are in the same position as the French expedition
that has taken many an article from the Titanic’s hull. Today, as in the past,
man has a word for this sort of action: grave-robbing. It is illegal. Greed has
blinded you to your actions.
And as to the fellow who comes up with some other excuse to take such
articles from the Titanic, I ask you to give him directions to your
grandfather’s grave.
Rob W. LaDue ’88
E
tl
F
u
Letters to the editor should not exceed 300 words in length. The editorial staff reserves the right to edithlttn
for style and length, but will make every effort to maintain the author's intent. Each letter must be signed ant
must include the classification, address and telephone number of the writer.
BLOOM COUNTY
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