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About The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1957)
18,440 READERS 54 Days 'til Final Review Number 253: Volume 55 COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS, MONDAY, APRIL 1, 1957 Price Five Cents First Female Aggie Signs Plans to Live in Athletic Dormitory History Titans Badly Injured In Filibusters Two mighty titans of the History Department are now in the Veterinary Hospital re covering from a discussion about who is the greatest Fili- bustei’er in the Department. From all available sources it is believed that Di\ Elvis P. Mayliss won the discussion because be only had a broken rib and three broken legs. The noted Dr. Oral Swill was the sad but wiser loser today with five missing toes (Mayliss bites) and a fractured ear^ “It is my opinion that this de bate has clearly established me, I mean, I, as the greatest Filibus- terer since the great Rigor Mortis. There was a man after my own heart. He could bore even himself to death,” stated Mayliss. In a discussion Mayliss stated, “In the next meeting of my history 110066% class I plan to show those bright young things how long I can talk without breathing.” The valiant loser, Dr. Swill slat ted, “I was robbed and that bum knows it. I demand a rematch.” Never before in the annals of this great institution has there Veen such public interest in a bat tle of such great voices. Before the historic discussion Mayless weighed in at 9414 lbs. (these weights are including wet vocal cords) and his worthy op ponent Swill at 92 9/10 lbs. Old Square Bolt himself was the referee. The History Department didn’t want to seem to be partial so they went to the Mathatical Sapien Department for the noted referee. BULLETIN Fighting broke out anew in the embattled History Department to day, as the two titans of that group squared away anew in the battle of the “Best Lecturer on History.” Oral Swill and Rolp Stain were quiet during the night but fired adjectives such as “inacurate”, Mull” and even “uninteresting” this morning. The whole thing was touched off When a newspaper printed a story falling Stain “the best lecturer on the campus”. Later, when a simi lar story appeared about Swill, Stain was quoted there as saying “jokingly”, “At least he’s not the best lecturer on the campus.” Swill called on Stain that night and the present fight developed after Stain laughed in Swill’s face. HI Year Tradition Gone With Regrets From Many Some Things Are Better Left Unprinted Army Fliers Go Air Force, Trigon Explodes In Anger Grass Lovers Deplore Clods For Walking Attempting to solve the problem of who gets to walk on what grass, the newly sown Grass Committee said today the problem can be solved. Setting a precedent by propos ing that something be done about it, they referred it to a committee. Committee members say they will talk about the disturbing situation. “Why those (censored) non- regs are tramping the chlorophyll out of the beautiful sprigs on the drill field,” said Iban Corhappy, Corpse representative. “There’s no use having bull tracks all over our three acres of grass. Why can’t we keep them bulls off?” “You could cut them off,” said scroungy non-reg member of the committee, Meno Shaver. “Build a fence around the place.” Another student suggested making a parking lot out of the drill field, but withdrew the idea since it would only increase the KK’s opportunity to dash out and ticket a parked car. The committee will request to the senate tomorrow that all grass, be sprayed with 2-4-D and naptha, a committee member, Cancha Sneez said. Sneez said it would be cheaply done, because the mater ial would be donated and freshe- men could do the work. Lung Cancer Caused By A calamity struck the Military I Science department today as every one of the 25 Army seniors taking flight training suddenly switched J their contracts to the Air Force and left the Army. With shouts of glee, the AF officers pranced down the halls of the trigon in their abbreviated tor eador pants, giggling over the sad looks of the Army officers. Each of the seniors was under going intense interrogation in the army section. There was but one question in the minds of the beetle crushers. “Why?” they asked repeatedly. Varied aswers came from the cadets who tried their best to keep a straight face while being ques tioned. One cadet, a long-time sup porter of the slow army way said that he became intrigued at the tremendous speed capable in the training planes. Another said his legs got hot in the summer and that he wanted to wear short pants. Lt. Col. Percy Sloth, reserve Tiger, said he personally was over joyed at the prospect of having more cadets to tell war stories to. Still another cadet, looking tip into the tired wrinkled face of the Captain questioning him said that he wanted to rise in rank fast and that “you can’t do it in the Army. I, too want to be a Colonel at 22 like the other AF men.” Col. H. P. Sittman, chief of the Tigers said “It just goes to show that when you have a superior program, the boys know it and they want to make it grow. They’ll soon be men,” he said as his voice reached the hysterical stage. Col. Sittman immediately junmp- de aboard a T-Bird and started winging his way to Montgomery to tell Tiger HQ of his new victory. With the defection of the army seniors, the army section began dismantling their desks and pick ing up their M-l’s in preparation for the march back to their home (See ARMY, Page 2) Weather Today NASTY Tornado Zinna, expected to be the last big blow of the current season, should strike about 4:3214 this afternoon, according to A. Strato Cumulus of the local Cloud- Watching Society. Cumulus called Xavier by his two or three friends, advised residents to take refuge in the Prehistoric Science and Badwin Halls until Zinnia blows over. “That way we all go together,” he opined. A sturdy A&M tradition got the ax today as the first regular term coed signed her registration papers and re served her room for next fall. College officials declined to comment on the situation, saying they were afraid of any adverse publicity sweeping across the state. In spite of this, there were many half suppressed smiles and wicked gleams in the aging eyes of the faculty. Elsewhere on the campus another mood prevailed. A heavy gloom hung over the Corps area and the windows were hung with black cloth. One cynic, whose name was withheld, said he wondered if the black cloth was for mourn ing the dead tradition or if 4 the cadets were too lazy to stay properly dressed since a girl is on the campus. The only sound coming forth from the black shuttered dorms was moans of “Ole Army’s gone to Hell.” The new coed. Miss Betty Pew of Smell, said she was very happy to enroll at A&M and especially to be the first regular term coed here. Smiling bashfully, Betty said that while she had never won a beauty contest, she had a won derful personality and just loved Aggies. In reserving a room at the new athletic dormitory, Betty took another unprecedented step as she will be the first student to sign up for the dorm who isn’t a foot ball player. Betty wasn’t at all embarrassed when told this. She said “I just couldn’t turn down the offer of having snack bar fac ilities.” Athletic officials remained mum on the subject and but did say that any questions would have to be directed, by letter, to the athletic council which would pass them on to the president. In view of past experience, a letter was sent three weeks ago to insure an answer within the next month. Betty, enrolling as a sophomore transfer, said she intended to keep her record clean because “I cer tainly don’t want to suffer any of the many kinds of punishment used here.” When asked to explain, she reeled off a list that included “midnight or early morning bull ring, personal service, waxing floors or marching out in the country at night for having stolen a junior’s uniform.” (See FIRST FEMALE, Page 4) J Recent data gleaned from the files of the Biochemistry and Nutrition Department has definitely shown that lung cancer and sterility in humans can be attributed to eat ing meat. When told of this momentous news Dr. G. I. Buttrex, head of the Animal Husbandry Depart ment pushed a buzzer on his desk which blew the fourth floor off the Animal Industries Building where the BioChem & Nutrition Department offices are located. He ran screaming down the hall crying “It’s a lie!” and fell sobbing at the feet of Dr. Ibn Heretoolong, notorious research expert in the field of cockroach reproduction. Dr. Buttrex was carried off to the Veterinary Hospital in a strait jacket. This morning as the news of the new scientific find was blared out over all networks and tele vision stations the Animal Hus bandry Department was shrouded in silence. The building itself was draped in black crepe as the professors and laboratory assistants stood outside in black riding breeches and black boots. All wore black string ties with white shirts and their heads were bared in silence as the commemorated the passing of an era. Prof Admits Under Hypnosis He Wrote Shakespeare’s Plays Jubilation was high in the Eng lish Department today, as a centuries-old mystery which has plagued generations of English professors was solved. N. W. (Nick) Quickly, mild- mannered instructor in the depart ment, revealed last night in a hypnotic trance that he is actually the reincarnation of Francis Bacoh, and that he was the one who wrote Shakespeare’s plays. The revelation came at a routine English meeting in one of those little rooms marked “professors only” on the third floor of the Academic Building last night. Several department members still on their feet were listening to C. D. (Dirty) Lavatory trying to hypnotise Quickly. “We never dreamed that we had such a celebrity in our midst,” sputtered Dr. U. S. S. (Bloody) Moran, department head. “Why if I had only known, we might have let him teach another Shapespeare course, or at least try it for a semester. You know, I’m still not sure of the true contribution of these modern writers.” Also present at the time were several other professors, many of whom pleaded a headache when asked to be interviewed this morn ing. “I bane tank that it all big hoax,” Dr. Ferd Eggfat remarked. “Quick ly bane one goot friend to me but I not sure.” Other reaction to the announce ment was varied. Dr. D. B. (Windy) Cougher, college tripe custodian, said that the event was unpre cedented since the time that a Range and Forestry sophomore named Ludwig Banshf claimed to be the real writer of Charles Dar win’s “Origin of the Species.” “That was about April 9, 1914, or no maybe it was nearer April 17 because that was the year that the new mess hall. . . no wait, that was 1913, so it. . .” Cougher mum bled into his paste pot. When asked for comment, Dr. Ralph Waldo Hayes puffed up his cheeks, rocked back on his heels and, turning to the blackboard wrote “I personally, will follow the dictates of my own conscience.” Cecil B. Esten hurried by, but flung back over his shoulder “That’s all very well, but the show must go on, The plays the thing, you know.” Esten was carrying an armload of lumber, all the scenery for his latest production, “Pauline’s Perils.” Karl Alarmist simply said “You will please, please excuse me, but I don’t think I want to say anything, please.” The Bobbsey twins of the Eng lish Department, Meftie and Betty, said nothing, only giggled in the room marked “for women profs only”. Vic Wino, Billy Cantgo and Percy Bysshe Martin were in another corner giggling. Quickley himself, seemingly un moved by the furor he was raising, went about his work as usual but stopped to talk to the press on his way from the Academic Build ing to his Uncle’s cabin. “I always did like my work in writing these plays and things, and last night, after we had had the refreshments served and ole Dirty was talking, it all seemed to come back in a flood.” Just then a small dachshound ran by, and Quickly, seeming to remem ber something, averted his face and scurried away. C. G. (Spike) BLACK —is shown with a sheepish ( ?) look on his face after contacting Metropolitan Opera Co. of New’ York City to appear in a Town Closet Production. Man ager of the Met refused to let his company perform for $285. Horn (we mean Spike) scratching his head with a hoof, said he couldn’t understand it. Everyone else came down for $250.