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4 A
Wednesday, September 1, 2004
BOOK
By Sydney Bergman
THE PITT NEWS
(U-WIRE) PITTSBURGH — It’s Sunday
at 9 a.m., when you wake up in a strange
room, next to a stranger.
What do you reach for first? Pants? As
pirin? Nope. Reach for “The Worst-Case
Scenario Survival Handbook: College.” It’ll
tell you how to fashion pants out of a shirt
and some well-placed staples, if you’ve mis
placed yours. And, more importantly, how
to survive the walk of shame you’re about
to endure.
The walk of shame, for all you li’l firsties,
er, freshmen, is the trek home from wherever
you’ve woken up, sour-breathed, wearing
last night’s hairdo, and possibly some fresh
new hickeys. It’s also the walk when — and
studies have shown this — you are statis
tically 800 times more likely to run into a
tour group, your ex or, if she’s local, your
mother. So, yeah, you need all the help you
can get.
This is a book by former college students,
for current ones. It’s not deep; it’s not philo
sophical — it’s not even that funny. It’s just
good, plain sense taken to the extreme so
students can cope with the awkward, illegal
or embarrassing aspects of college life not
covered by Arrival Survival.
A continuation of the series that includes
survival books to life, travel, golf and dating
and sex, “Worst-Case” is also useful if you
want to sound intelligent; there’s a whole in
dex on hard-to-pronounce names. It tells you
that “Klee” is pronounced “clay,” and guides
you through the tongue-twisting Solzhenit
syn. (It’s “Soul-jen-EAT-zen,” apparently.)
It tells you how to adopt a new identity,
how to sleep in class and how to tell a party
school from a non-party one.
One of the best parts is a list of compari
sons for prospective students when gauging
the school they want to attend. Comparing
the number of nearby art galleries to the
number of nearby hair salons, or the number
of ads offering “students to tutor” with those
offering “papers written, any subject” are
excellent measures of how partying a school
is. (Pitt breaks about even in the art galleries
to hair salons, and, as far as the ad-counting
AGGIELIFE
THE BATTALION
The Worst-Case
Scenario Survival
Handbook: College
by Joshua Riven, et a I
THE B
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t0{
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goes, y’all can do that yourself.)
The only problem with this book — a mi
nor fault, really — is that it’s the wrong bal
ance of light, fluffy advice, of actual helpful
advice. For instance, the “How to Takeona
New Identity” section successfully lampoons
student stereotypes, but could detract from
the credibility of when exactly you should
call the fire department.
Beyond that, the book presents everything
you wanted to know about college, but didn'i
know you should ask. and does so conciselv
cleverly and effectively. (The chart that shows
a food’s caloric worth by its equivalent number
of beers is genius and should be mandatory in
high school health classes.)
And for those of you stranded early Sun
day morning, the key tricks to the walk of
shame, brought to you by
are to dumb down your e
avoid crowds, walk briskly
prearranged signal with your roommate —a
whistle or birdcall to let them know to lei
“Worst-Case."
cning clothes,
and to have a
you in.
And to avoid, at all
its, running
moi
your mom.
MIAN
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The c
Protesters rally during RNC |f
I The griti
Thousands of New Yorkers take to streets, telling 13
Republicans they're not welcome, 200 arrested 3
11 his rival
By Randy Hagan and
Bradley Hope
WASHINGTON SQUARE NEWS
(U-WIRE) NEW YORK - Cit
ing issues ranging from gay rights
to the war in Iraq, from outsourced
labor to curtailed liberties, hun
dreds of thousands of protesters
marched Sunday in the stifling
heat to protest the arrival of the
Republican National Convention
in New York City.
The march, organized by Unit
ed for Peace and Justice, wound its
way up through Chelsea beginning
at noon, lingering as it passed the
convention site at Madison Square
Garden on West 34th Street.
The final contingent of the
march arrived six hours later at
Union Square Park, and tens of
thousands of protesters marched
farther still to Central Park’s Great
Lawn for an unofficial but largely
expected rally.
On Seventh Avenue, protesters
filled the air with drums, whistles
and horns, and chanted anti-Bush
slogans. People danced in the
street and waved placards with slo
gans like “There’s dirt under every
bush” and “George Bush is not
my Friendster,” while a flock of
helicopters monitored the march
from above.
“I’ve never seen a protest in
New York quite like this,” Gallatin
senior Arielle Bier said. “It was so
well organized, and people were
working together. It was more col
orful than any protest I’ve seen in
the U.S. - it was more like the pro
tests I’ve seen in Europe.”
The war in Iraq proved the
dominant issue among protesters
yesterday. Hundreds of cardboard
coffins draped with U.S. flags and
black cloth were
carried through
the streets in re
membrance of
the nearly 1,000
soldiers and ci
vilians who have
lost their lives in
Iraq so far.
“I just hope
that it’s a dose
of reality,” said
one pallbearer,
an architect from
the Upper West
Side who identi
fied himself as
William. “I think
people will feel
the loss of life
personally (when they see the
coffins).”
Taking a more light-hearted
approach, one group of marchers.
Elephants Against Republicans,
donned elephant noses and card
board ears.
“Once upon a time, grandfather
elephants supported Abraham Lin
coln,” group member Brian Pick
ett, 26, said.
Pickett said the group had
plans to stage a resignation as
mascots of the Republican Party
this morning at a breakfast with
Republican delegates, because
the values of today’s Republican
Party have become too radical
for the pachyderms.
“We have big feet, but we don’t
step on people,”
Pickett said.
The anti-
Bush contingent
didn’t have a
monopoly on sa
tirical protest.
One group of
pro- B ush counter
protestors held sa
tirical signs, such
as one depicting
a machine gun-
wielding likeness
of Che Guevara.
The sign read:
“War is not the
answer... unless
you’re a socialist
guerilla.”
Boulder, Colo., resident Robert
Martindale, who supported anti
war presidential candidate Dennis
Kucinich, said he wasn’t march
ing “necessarily to change the
Republican delegates’ minds,
just to show them that there’s
another way.”
He said he planned to invite
delegates to coffee to discuss the
course the country is taking and
break down the two-dimensional
IVe never
seen a protest in
New York quite
like this...lt was so
well organized,
and people were
working together.
— Arielle Bier,
NYU Gallatin School senior
stereotypes perpetuated bj
each side.
“I don’t want Ann Coulter ic
define me, and I’m sure they doni
want Michael Moore defining
them,” Martindale said.
A large portion of the more
than 10,000 New York City po
lice officers assigned to secure the 1
convention lined the streets a Ion;
the march route yestcniay.Ji total,
more than 200 protesters were ar
rested, mostly for disorderiy con-|
duct, police said.
Early in the afternoon, 5j|
protesting cyclists were detainoi;
on W'est 37th Street and Seventh
Avenue. They were splayed on!
hands culled behind their backs,iif
a street littered with bicycles andj
thick with police.
One cyclist said the group,
which had left from Union Square|
in support of the march,
swarmed and bumped by plainl
clothes police on scooters, herdcc
onto 37th Street, pushed off the::,
bikes and arrested.
“They think that if they doal
good job this weekend, they’ll ge:
a raise,” said Chris Habib, 29. re
ferring to ongoing contract negoti
ations between the city and polio:
and firefighters unions.
Republicans, for the most pan
were unfazed by the protests.
CAS junior Joe Metzger, presi
dent of the NYU College Republi
cans, shrugged off the march.
“It’s pretty much what I'm used
to at NYU, but on a grander scale,’
he said.
I gu
more, ri
best dan
As u<
and suq
Alici;
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