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Page 4 • Monday, April 19, 1999
GGIELIFE
e Baiu
► JACOB'S LADDER
History of barbecue spans from colonial ancestors top
I t is that time
of year
again. Time
for strange and
unusual ritu
als, time for
the fat to fry,
time to char
hind regions of A cob
animals in
hopes of satiat
ing the merci-
HUVAL
less beasts’ hunger for more,
more, MORE! It is time, of course,
to file income taxes; but in a more
appropriate (and less incriminat
ing) way, it is time for the “Sacred
American Outdoor Barbecue”.
The inception of the “Sacred
American Outdoor Barbecue” oc
curred during colonial times. Be
cause the concept of the United
States was not yet forced upon the
tribes of North America, the occa
sion was originally named “The
Powdered Wigs, Candied Figs and
Squirrel Bits Annual Sissyfest”
(PWCFSBAS). Soon after the fore
fathers figured out abbreviating
the event for community calen
dars — PWCFSBAS — was point
less, they shortened the title.
So how does one conduct a
successful “Sacred American Out
door Barbecue”? First, ditch the
powdered wigs and candied figs
in exchange for grade A cuts and
roasted nuts. Fortunately for mod
ern barbecue connoisseurs, cook
ing technology since colonial
times has progressed further than
democracy. In the olden days,
PWCFSBAS-ers relied on primitive
and inefficient instruments of
cookery. Modern Americans enjoy
a liberal variety of methods of
cooking, from charcoal grills to
propane tanks, microwaves to
guano-fueled incinerators.
Just as it was in colonial times,
the central figure at a modern bar
becue is the chef. The barbecue
chef must respect a “Sacred Ameri
can Outdoor Barbecue” policy stat
ing that he must look like an idiot,
hence the large hat and apron.
But chefs, the crafty creatures
they are, have transformed this
would-be inconvenience into a
trademark of the traditional Amer
ican humor culture with various
quotes on the hat and/or apron.
Snappy quips such as “Kiss the
Cook!,” “Hail to the Chef!” and
“Let’s Swap Wives!” have fre
quented the backyards of America
for decades. These contemporary
gags are evidence that the tastes
of Americans’ sense of humor
have changed since colonial
times. Colonial aprons featured
quips like “There’s plenty of bison
for all!” and “Party like its 1799!”
Behavior of both hosts and
guests at barbecues has not
changed much over the years.
While the “Sacred American
Outdoor Barbecue" has its
recorded instances of drunken
boasts and the ensuing sluggish
tussles, PWCFSBASs have also
been known to host a number of
domestic disputes. One such in
cident was a food fight during
which Edmund Randolph al
legedly said “Hey, Wilson, ratify
this!”
Keep in mind, however, that
there are those who choose not to
partake in the “Sacred American
Outdoor Barbecue” — the vege
tarians.
There is nothing wrong with
vegetarianism; indeed, those who
distance themselves from the
bloated, salty eat-hole of carnivore
Americana should be esteemed
and revered for having the
courage to carry on a conversation
despite their constant fear of hav
ing something green between
their teeth.
This brings to mind another
blessing that so many modern
Americans take for granted — the
toothpick. Little did the forefa
thers know that the earliest proto
type for the bayonet would in time
give rise to the nation’s most pop
ular dental hygiene product.
In some ways, however, the
lack of toothpicks aided revolu
tionaries more than it harmed
them. In the midst of a freezing
winter, for example,
ing Valley Forge, Ge:
ington’s troops, fat
moved it weeks be;::
enough turkey and::-:
tween their teeth toe
selves for the durat::
tie, thereby brings
federalism one step :
ty. Thanks, toothpick
Yes, it’s that tiraei
So call up some fhe:
that grill, and getoi
come tax filing fonr
needs plenty of kin;
de
let
Jacob Hum
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