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The Battalion
Wednesday • November 12, 1997
Papa's got a brand new drug
fantastical liquid elixir helps cure common cold of drunken behavior
Mason
Jackson
columnist
A re you tired of identify-
L\ ing rainbow-colored
i JLpuke stains on your
target? Tired of blackouts,
iieadaches and annoying
foge-drinking deaths?
Then you are one of mil-
ions of Americans who needs
anew drug. And here at Unit-
tdAllied Amalgamated we
: iave just what you need.
Our specially trained sci-
intists spent over six years re
searching the reality-altering
iabits of Americans. What they discovered was
absolutely amazing: Americans like to get drunk.
Now I know what you are thinking, “Sure, we
ill like a martini with lunch, what of it?”
But that is not what we are talking about. Our
dentists have defined “drunk” as — adj., im-
libing frosty and delicious alcoholic beverages
Mil one achieves a state unlike their normal
i.e. uptight) condition.
“But Bob,” you ask me, “if we have alcohol,
thy do we need your wonderful new drug?”
Well, my name is not Bob, but I like you, so I
imgoing to let you in on trade secrets that are
ping to make our drug the most abused in
imerica by the year 2000.
Our scientists, working at the United Allied
Imalgamated Research Institute in Brussels,
Montana, operated on the sound hypothesis that
raucannot get something for nothing.
Everyone knows if you shoot heroin you are
ping to get bags under your eyes. If you smoke
:rackrock, you are going to get bad breath. And if
pudrink too much alcohol, you are going to act
ike a jackass.
But worry no more. Our product has been spe
cially designed so that its side effects are as be
nign and controlled as possible.
Now, if I were you, I would be saying, excited-
i),“Bob, so far I’m intrigued, but how about
- some specifics, and don’t get too technical, I’m
Man average consumer and I don’t want to
iinktoo hard.”
Do not worry, 1 am not one of those crazy sci-
iBists; I am just like you except better, but do
/Worry about it.
1 First, let us talk about the upsides, then you
canorder, then I will tell you about the downside.
To begin with, our drug was designed to be
taken in liquid form.
We looked at all the possible methods of in
gurgitation to determine which one was the most
socially acceptable.
It did not take long before we noticed the
abundance of bars in this country.
There are not many places devoted solely to
smoking .injecting or dropping — just lots and
lots of bars.
Everybody drinks something, even if it is not
alcohol, so it only seems natur al to be able to
drink your drugs.
So, say you make the wise decision to try our
drug: what can you expect? For one thing, there is
no wait for the desired effect. When you need liq
uid courage, you need it right away.
Look at that girl walking out the door... make
your move. You can not wait four minutes for that
double-shot of tequila to take effect. With our drug,
we guarantee results within 15 seconds. If you do
not get all the phone numbers you want, it is be
cause you are a loser, not because you did not try.
And when it comes to consolation drinking,
nobody can beat us. You know how it is — you
just bombed your Human Sexuality midterm af
ter studying all week. Then, while walking to your
car, a dive-bombing grackle makes a direct hit on
your forehead, at which instant a Battalion pho
tographer, who has been waiting all day for just
such a “candid moment,” snaps your picture.
This constitutes a good time to get messed up.
You go home and gather up a few friends. They
agree to go out drinking with you, but it is a Monday,
so you know they are going to stay sober enough to
remember anything stupid you do that night.
No problem. Simply have a shot of our special
X-17 additive after your fifth drink of our won
derful new drug and all of your wacky antics for
the remainder of the night will occur solely in
your head.
While your friends only will see you staring
blankly at the wall behind the bar, you will see
yourself as the Lizard King.
Yep, that’s right, the street sign outside the bar
was talking to you. Now show it you are the boss.
And what could be finer than running through
the Dixie Chicken, yelling at the top of your
lungs, “I’ve got something you can whistle Dixie
on, right here baby!”
Now you have got to be wondering, “Hey
I - ;
mi
friend, what about the aftereffects. Alcohol gives
you a hangover. Does your drug also?”
Hangover, schmangover. Our drug comes with
two options.
One option is our Sleep-e-time Wuss Antidote
Tea. Drink a cup of this when you are ready to go
home for the night (pay attention all you desig
nated drivers), and 10 minutes later, the effects of
our drug are worn off. No buzz, just warm memo
ries of an evening enjoyed by all.
Option number two is to do nothing. Remember
our scientists and their theory that you can not get
something for nothing? Well, they worked long and
hard to make sure you only have one tradeoff, and it
is one most people should not have a problem with.
You will not have a headache. You will not have
any nausea. There is only one tradeoff. There is
only one downside. The next morning, without
exception, at 9:35 a.m., you will have 100 percent
crystal clear, neither diluted nor deluded, recol
lection of everything you did the night before.
Sound good? We are now taking orders.
Mason Jackson is a senior marketing major.
Quality childrearing
should be adopted by
parents in United States
recent
trial
sought
to determine
whether a
baby-sitter’s
actions had
caused the
|/mo. death of the
' from young child
in her care.
The trial
i/mo. is over, and
Dave
Johnston
columnist
|/mo. j^ge decides whether any ap
peals are in order, it is time for
Americans to examine the way
e irt they are raising (or rather not
uM raising) the next generation.
It has become far too accept-
323". able for parents to contract out
the upbringing of their children,
hit fhis is not only potentially dan-
bills - Serous, but it neglects the child.
In die past several years, it has
bath become not only more acceptable,
s Mt almost expected, for both par-
[gi 6 Ms to work and find someone else
to take care of their youngsters. In
1775- oany metropolitan areas, it is
tornmon to find childr en who ar e
(jdtiif telivered to a daycare before seven
'clock in the morning and picked
ip after eight o’clock at night.
I 698 * Many parents have completely
. idicated their responsibilities as
'ie primary care-givers for their
ispring. Many children are raised
. . ' “ households wher e both parents
ymq ork. Although a single parent has
options, and some families
.teem to need an additional in
come, many families could live
puite well even if a parent stayed at
ip^J, 'me to rear the children,
piroj The prevalence of two-income
'“Smilies demonstrates how prior-
fehave shifted from raising
^ung people to improving one’s
1 standard of living. Although,
fere is nothing wrong with being
fell off, there are countless prior-
fies which are more important.
1 A public school takes care of
[Main aspects of a young person’s
hcation, but the trend of exter-
I child care assigns a child’s edu-
h oftion and upbringing to some-
outside the family. These
; .sta*ents neglect their responsibili-
es toward their children.
Lately, fathers have visibly ig
nored their responsibilities toward
their children. Popular television
shows, from Murphy Brown to
Frasier, have depicted fathers who
take no active role in the develop
ment of their own babies.
These new attitudes treat chil
dren and their education as
something trite and unimportant.
The effects of this flippancy to
ward children are far-reaching.
Many people will recall the story'
of a young lady who gave birth in
the restroom at a dance, then al
legedly murdered the child. Win
ston Churchill also was born in
the ladies’ room at a dance, but
survived the ordeal thanks, in
part, to different moral standards
that existed of his generation.
It is time for parents to begin
parenting again. Children need
constant care and attention to
grow to their full potential. Very
few people can effectively raise a
child by long distance.
The decision to raise a child is
a long-term commitment.
Parental responsibilities do not
stop after nine months.
Americans have become more
self-centered in recent years. They
are often more concerned with
convenience than the develop
ment of the next generation. This
is short-sided and selfish.
Older generations of Americans
took roles as parents seriously. This
was reflected again at the dedica
tion of the George Bush Presiden
tial Library and Museum when
President Bush said the most im
portant titles he ever held were
husband, father and grandfather.
Baby boomers do not seem to
demonstrate this level of concern.
The death of a child entrusted
to a baby-sitter is tragic. More trag
ic is the army of latchkey children
who have not had a parent invest
in their upbringing. If children are
given this example of parenting,
consider the path they will follow
concerning their own children.
Americans should reclaim re
sponsible roles and begin raising
families again.
Dave Johnston is a senior
mathematics major.
Campaign funding wires up Republicans
John
Burton
columnist
G et ready to
flashback to the
1996 elections.
Presidential contender
Bob “tobacco is safer
than a fluffy bunny”
Dole was running be
hind, and the Republi
cans needed to inject
some money into the
vein of their campaign.
Fortunately, they
had more connections
than a New York City
pimp. According to an Associated Press re
port released last week, the Republicans
were associated with Americans for Tax Re
form, the National Right to Life Committee
and Coalition for Our Children’s Future. Not
only were these groups in close contact with
the Republican power brokers, they were in
constant communication with each other.
Interviews and research conducted by
the Associated Press show Coalition for
Our Children’s future was formed to pro
mote the concept of a balanced budget. Af
ter being temporarily shut down, this
group was revived for last year’s elections
to provide a covert political muscle.
The work by these groups appears to
have been an incredibly controlled cam
paign to counter the forces of the Democ
rats. There was a glaring difference be
tween the two parties, however — the
Republicans’ actions were conducted in
extreme secrecy using the anonymity of
non-profit organizations.
Democrats on the Senate Governmental
Affairs Committee have requested hearings
on the Republicans’ use of non-profit
groups for political activity. Senator Fred
“as seen in movies” Thompson, a Republi
can, announced he was suspending hear
ings and completing his investigation on
campaign finance.
This is ridiculous. After wasting weeks
on Senate hearings, Thompson did not
find any real dirt on Bill Clinton, yet he re
fuses to investigate his own party when
they have worse finance follies.
Of course, Thompson would not want
the public see how this nonprofit coalition
spent over $4 million on television adver
tisements promoting Republican views of
political issues.
If I operated a gxoup named Coalition
for Our Children’s Future, I would find bet
ter things to spend the money on than tele
vision ads. Maybe it could be spent on ac
tually helping children, for example.
Documents also show how the Coalition
sought money from the Better America
Foundation, a nonprofit Dole organization
criticized for covertly promoting his candi
dacy. Dole closed the foundation in 1995,
after records revealed contributions from
the tobacco industry determined who re
ceived foundation assets.
The group was revived by Robert O’Dell
Jr., however, a Washington Republican po
litical consultant. He is probably one of
those “Washington insiders” who the Re
publicans claim to be against.
Secrecy in these shenanigans was amaz
ing. O’Dell asked an employee of the re-
election campaign for Representative Cre-
means in Ohio to sign an oath promising
not to reveal the donor’s name.
Later, O’Dell received 24 blank checks
on the Coalition’s account to pay for con
sultants and media buyers. Some were also
transferred to other conservative groups to
do their own advertising.
The AP report tediously describes more
improprieties and questionable deeds by
the Republicans in 1996.
But what about the “integrity” and “fam
ily values” Republicans claim to hold dear
to their hearts? I can picture a father and
son dialogue:
Son: “Dad, how do I make money when I
grow up?”
Republican Dad: “Well my little tax de
duction, you work hard to make your way
through this world — or, you can form a
quasi-nonprofit interest group to funnel
money to you.”
And what about campaign reform?
The Republicans attacked Clinton and
even tried to impeach Janet “hot stuff”
Reno in the name of reform. Meanwhile,
they were conducting their own unethical
misdeeds. What hypocrites.
If the Democrats want to avoid allega
tions of fund raising fudges, they should
change their name to the Republican Party.
This way, we will maximize the fine Ameri
can tradition of Republican skullduggery.
John Burton is a junior bioenvironmental
science major.
Mail Call
Confederate flag
opens history debate
I would like to start by congratu
lating Robert Brown, class of ’64, on
his motivating column. It was, by far,
the best thing I’ve seen come out of
The Batt all semester. It’s about time
somebody finally stood up to all this
“multiculturalism,” Confederate-
heritage bashing crap and set the
facts straight. I am proud to be an
American. I am even more proud of
my heritage of being a Texan and a
grandson of the Confederate States
of America. Comparing the Rebel
flag with Nazi paraphernalia is an at
tack on not only the pride of myself
and many Aggies, but our families,
too. I won’t stand for that.
On another note, what would a
controversy be without everyone’s
favorite editor, Mandy Cater. Stop
assuming people who display the
Confederate flag are Ku Klux Klan
members or skinheads. The vast
majority of us are angered by the
misuse of our hallowed symbol,
and it shows great disrespect by
grouping us with those people. Do
you know anything about your
family’s history besides the family
tree you made in 8th grade?
1 spent a whole summer visit
ing both state and national gov
ernment-run battlefields and mu
seums throughout the South from
the war between the states, and I
guarantee you I know more about
the war and its issues than people
who learned about it from biased
school textbooks.
What have I to be proud of you
ask? I am aware that the CSA
failed in its effort as an indepen
dent nation, but I am proud of the
valiant effort and courage they
exhibited. I also had ancestors
fight and die at the Alamo. We lost
that one because of insurmount
able odds, too. Does that mean I
can’t be proud of them as well?
It’s not wise to to tread on such
sacred ground with such disre
spect as your petty “racism” gen
eralization. While trying to keep
the student body close-knit with
your writing, you’ve done a hell of
a job dividing us. You’ve made
quite a few enemies with your
column about Bonfire, and I’m
pretty sure you have made some
more now. What would Sully say?
Preston Irwin
Class of’01
How long ago was slavery
prevalent in the United States?
How long ago did the Civil War
take place? How many of you ac
tually have “memories” of these
events evoked every time you see
a Confederate flag?
The point is, the Confederacy
and the Civil War is history. It is
important to remember and learn
about history so as we do not re
peat it. History is learned and re
visited through symbols such as
the Confederate flag. The only
reason it has become associated
with hate and prejudice is be
cause we have allowed it to be.
The first step toward racial
harmony should be to eliminate
our negative stereotypes. Just be
cause a few idiots, such as the Ku
Klux Klan, misuse the Confeder
ate flag, does not mean it should
become the universal symbol of
hate and prejudice. That is an
unfair stereotype placed on a
symbol of our heritage.
So for those of you out there
who are constantly arguing to
end stereotypes, don’t be so fast
to bash the Confederate flag. You
are being hypocritical and
adding fuel to the fire. If we want
to end racial prejudice, we need
to focus on current problems
that can be fixed.
We also need to realize nega
tive stereotypes are not just held
by white people. Most impor
tantly, we need to take a step
back, keep an open mind and see
how pointless the argument over
the Confederate flag really is.
Daniel McCain
Class of’99