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About The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current | View Entire Issue (Nov. 12, 1997)
VII llll I lillll I I I I Hill II I III III ' I'llllllilli iilllMIIIII'IWIIIWMIilUlllllllillllllllUiaM The Battalion Wednesday • November 12, 1997 Papa's got a brand new drug fantastical liquid elixir helps cure common cold of drunken behavior Mason Jackson columnist A re you tired of identify- L\ ing rainbow-colored i JLpuke stains on your target? Tired of blackouts, iieadaches and annoying foge-drinking deaths? Then you are one of mil- ions of Americans who needs anew drug. And here at Unit- tdAllied Amalgamated we : iave just what you need. Our specially trained sci- intists spent over six years re searching the reality-altering iabits of Americans. What they discovered was absolutely amazing: Americans like to get drunk. Now I know what you are thinking, “Sure, we ill like a martini with lunch, what of it?” But that is not what we are talking about. Our dentists have defined “drunk” as — adj., im- libing frosty and delicious alcoholic beverages Mil one achieves a state unlike their normal i.e. uptight) condition. “But Bob,” you ask me, “if we have alcohol, thy do we need your wonderful new drug?” Well, my name is not Bob, but I like you, so I imgoing to let you in on trade secrets that are ping to make our drug the most abused in imerica by the year 2000. Our scientists, working at the United Allied Imalgamated Research Institute in Brussels, Montana, operated on the sound hypothesis that raucannot get something for nothing. Everyone knows if you shoot heroin you are ping to get bags under your eyes. If you smoke :rackrock, you are going to get bad breath. And if pudrink too much alcohol, you are going to act ike a jackass. But worry no more. Our product has been spe cially designed so that its side effects are as be nign and controlled as possible. Now, if I were you, I would be saying, excited- i),“Bob, so far I’m intrigued, but how about - some specifics, and don’t get too technical, I’m Man average consumer and I don’t want to iinktoo hard.” Do not worry, 1 am not one of those crazy sci- iBists; I am just like you except better, but do /Worry about it. 1 First, let us talk about the upsides, then you canorder, then I will tell you about the downside. To begin with, our drug was designed to be taken in liquid form. We looked at all the possible methods of in gurgitation to determine which one was the most socially acceptable. It did not take long before we noticed the abundance of bars in this country. There are not many places devoted solely to smoking .injecting or dropping — just lots and lots of bars. Everybody drinks something, even if it is not alcohol, so it only seems natur al to be able to drink your drugs. So, say you make the wise decision to try our drug: what can you expect? For one thing, there is no wait for the desired effect. When you need liq uid courage, you need it right away. Look at that girl walking out the door... make your move. You can not wait four minutes for that double-shot of tequila to take effect. With our drug, we guarantee results within 15 seconds. If you do not get all the phone numbers you want, it is be cause you are a loser, not because you did not try. And when it comes to consolation drinking, nobody can beat us. You know how it is — you just bombed your Human Sexuality midterm af ter studying all week. Then, while walking to your car, a dive-bombing grackle makes a direct hit on your forehead, at which instant a Battalion pho tographer, who has been waiting all day for just such a “candid moment,” snaps your picture. This constitutes a good time to get messed up. You go home and gather up a few friends. They agree to go out drinking with you, but it is a Monday, so you know they are going to stay sober enough to remember anything stupid you do that night. No problem. Simply have a shot of our special X-17 additive after your fifth drink of our won derful new drug and all of your wacky antics for the remainder of the night will occur solely in your head. While your friends only will see you staring blankly at the wall behind the bar, you will see yourself as the Lizard King. Yep, that’s right, the street sign outside the bar was talking to you. Now show it you are the boss. And what could be finer than running through the Dixie Chicken, yelling at the top of your lungs, “I’ve got something you can whistle Dixie on, right here baby!” Now you have got to be wondering, “Hey I - ; mi friend, what about the aftereffects. Alcohol gives you a hangover. Does your drug also?” Hangover, schmangover. Our drug comes with two options. One option is our Sleep-e-time Wuss Antidote Tea. Drink a cup of this when you are ready to go home for the night (pay attention all you desig nated drivers), and 10 minutes later, the effects of our drug are worn off. No buzz, just warm memo ries of an evening enjoyed by all. Option number two is to do nothing. Remember our scientists and their theory that you can not get something for nothing? Well, they worked long and hard to make sure you only have one tradeoff, and it is one most people should not have a problem with. You will not have a headache. You will not have any nausea. There is only one tradeoff. There is only one downside. The next morning, without exception, at 9:35 a.m., you will have 100 percent crystal clear, neither diluted nor deluded, recol lection of everything you did the night before. Sound good? We are now taking orders. Mason Jackson is a senior marketing major. Quality childrearing should be adopted by parents in United States recent trial sought to determine whether a baby-sitter’s actions had caused the |/mo. death of the ' from young child in her care. The trial i/mo. is over, and Dave Johnston columnist |/mo. j^ge decides whether any ap peals are in order, it is time for Americans to examine the way e irt they are raising (or rather not uM raising) the next generation. It has become far too accept- 323". able for parents to contract out the upbringing of their children, hit fhis is not only potentially dan- bills - Serous, but it neglects the child. In die past several years, it has bath become not only more acceptable, s Mt almost expected, for both par- [gi 6 Ms to work and find someone else to take care of their youngsters. In 1775- oany metropolitan areas, it is tornmon to find childr en who ar e (jdtiif telivered to a daycare before seven 'clock in the morning and picked ip after eight o’clock at night. I 698 * Many parents have completely . idicated their responsibilities as 'ie primary care-givers for their ispring. Many children are raised . . ' “ households wher e both parents ymq ork. Although a single parent has options, and some families .teem to need an additional in come, many families could live puite well even if a parent stayed at ip^J, 'me to rear the children, piroj The prevalence of two-income '“Smilies demonstrates how prior- fehave shifted from raising ^ung people to improving one’s 1 standard of living. Although, fere is nothing wrong with being fell off, there are countless prior- fies which are more important. 1 A public school takes care of [Main aspects of a young person’s hcation, but the trend of exter- I child care assigns a child’s edu- h oftion and upbringing to some- outside the family. These ; .sta*ents neglect their responsibili- es toward their children. Lately, fathers have visibly ig nored their responsibilities toward their children. Popular television shows, from Murphy Brown to Frasier, have depicted fathers who take no active role in the develop ment of their own babies. These new attitudes treat chil dren and their education as something trite and unimportant. The effects of this flippancy to ward children are far-reaching. Many people will recall the story' of a young lady who gave birth in the restroom at a dance, then al legedly murdered the child. Win ston Churchill also was born in the ladies’ room at a dance, but survived the ordeal thanks, in part, to different moral standards that existed of his generation. It is time for parents to begin parenting again. Children need constant care and attention to grow to their full potential. Very few people can effectively raise a child by long distance. The decision to raise a child is a long-term commitment. Parental responsibilities do not stop after nine months. Americans have become more self-centered in recent years. They are often more concerned with convenience than the develop ment of the next generation. This is short-sided and selfish. Older generations of Americans took roles as parents seriously. This was reflected again at the dedica tion of the George Bush Presiden tial Library and Museum when President Bush said the most im portant titles he ever held were husband, father and grandfather. Baby boomers do not seem to demonstrate this level of concern. The death of a child entrusted to a baby-sitter is tragic. More trag ic is the army of latchkey children who have not had a parent invest in their upbringing. If children are given this example of parenting, consider the path they will follow concerning their own children. Americans should reclaim re sponsible roles and begin raising families again. Dave Johnston is a senior mathematics major. Campaign funding wires up Republicans John Burton columnist G et ready to flashback to the 1996 elections. Presidential contender Bob “tobacco is safer than a fluffy bunny” Dole was running be hind, and the Republi cans needed to inject some money into the vein of their campaign. Fortunately, they had more connections than a New York City pimp. According to an Associated Press re port released last week, the Republicans were associated with Americans for Tax Re form, the National Right to Life Committee and Coalition for Our Children’s Future. Not only were these groups in close contact with the Republican power brokers, they were in constant communication with each other. Interviews and research conducted by the Associated Press show Coalition for Our Children’s future was formed to pro mote the concept of a balanced budget. Af ter being temporarily shut down, this group was revived for last year’s elections to provide a covert political muscle. The work by these groups appears to have been an incredibly controlled cam paign to counter the forces of the Democ rats. There was a glaring difference be tween the two parties, however — the Republicans’ actions were conducted in extreme secrecy using the anonymity of non-profit organizations. Democrats on the Senate Governmental Affairs Committee have requested hearings on the Republicans’ use of non-profit groups for political activity. Senator Fred “as seen in movies” Thompson, a Republi can, announced he was suspending hear ings and completing his investigation on campaign finance. This is ridiculous. After wasting weeks on Senate hearings, Thompson did not find any real dirt on Bill Clinton, yet he re fuses to investigate his own party when they have worse finance follies. Of course, Thompson would not want the public see how this nonprofit coalition spent over $4 million on television adver tisements promoting Republican views of political issues. If I operated a gxoup named Coalition for Our Children’s Future, I would find bet ter things to spend the money on than tele vision ads. Maybe it could be spent on ac tually helping children, for example. Documents also show how the Coalition sought money from the Better America Foundation, a nonprofit Dole organization criticized for covertly promoting his candi dacy. Dole closed the foundation in 1995, after records revealed contributions from the tobacco industry determined who re ceived foundation assets. The group was revived by Robert O’Dell Jr., however, a Washington Republican po litical consultant. He is probably one of those “Washington insiders” who the Re publicans claim to be against. Secrecy in these shenanigans was amaz ing. O’Dell asked an employee of the re- election campaign for Representative Cre- means in Ohio to sign an oath promising not to reveal the donor’s name. Later, O’Dell received 24 blank checks on the Coalition’s account to pay for con sultants and media buyers. Some were also transferred to other conservative groups to do their own advertising. The AP report tediously describes more improprieties and questionable deeds by the Republicans in 1996. But what about the “integrity” and “fam ily values” Republicans claim to hold dear to their hearts? I can picture a father and son dialogue: Son: “Dad, how do I make money when I grow up?” Republican Dad: “Well my little tax de duction, you work hard to make your way through this world — or, you can form a quasi-nonprofit interest group to funnel money to you.” And what about campaign reform? The Republicans attacked Clinton and even tried to impeach Janet “hot stuff” Reno in the name of reform. Meanwhile, they were conducting their own unethical misdeeds. What hypocrites. If the Democrats want to avoid allega tions of fund raising fudges, they should change their name to the Republican Party. This way, we will maximize the fine Ameri can tradition of Republican skullduggery. John Burton is a junior bioenvironmental science major. Mail Call Confederate flag opens history debate I would like to start by congratu lating Robert Brown, class of ’64, on his motivating column. It was, by far, the best thing I’ve seen come out of The Batt all semester. It’s about time somebody finally stood up to all this “multiculturalism,” Confederate- heritage bashing crap and set the facts straight. I am proud to be an American. I am even more proud of my heritage of being a Texan and a grandson of the Confederate States of America. Comparing the Rebel flag with Nazi paraphernalia is an at tack on not only the pride of myself and many Aggies, but our families, too. I won’t stand for that. On another note, what would a controversy be without everyone’s favorite editor, Mandy Cater. Stop assuming people who display the Confederate flag are Ku Klux Klan members or skinheads. The vast majority of us are angered by the misuse of our hallowed symbol, and it shows great disrespect by grouping us with those people. Do you know anything about your family’s history besides the family tree you made in 8th grade? 1 spent a whole summer visit ing both state and national gov ernment-run battlefields and mu seums throughout the South from the war between the states, and I guarantee you I know more about the war and its issues than people who learned about it from biased school textbooks. What have I to be proud of you ask? I am aware that the CSA failed in its effort as an indepen dent nation, but I am proud of the valiant effort and courage they exhibited. I also had ancestors fight and die at the Alamo. We lost that one because of insurmount able odds, too. Does that mean I can’t be proud of them as well? It’s not wise to to tread on such sacred ground with such disre spect as your petty “racism” gen eralization. While trying to keep the student body close-knit with your writing, you’ve done a hell of a job dividing us. You’ve made quite a few enemies with your column about Bonfire, and I’m pretty sure you have made some more now. What would Sully say? Preston Irwin Class of’01 How long ago was slavery prevalent in the United States? How long ago did the Civil War take place? How many of you ac tually have “memories” of these events evoked every time you see a Confederate flag? The point is, the Confederacy and the Civil War is history. It is important to remember and learn about history so as we do not re peat it. History is learned and re visited through symbols such as the Confederate flag. The only reason it has become associated with hate and prejudice is be cause we have allowed it to be. The first step toward racial harmony should be to eliminate our negative stereotypes. Just be cause a few idiots, such as the Ku Klux Klan, misuse the Confeder ate flag, does not mean it should become the universal symbol of hate and prejudice. That is an unfair stereotype placed on a symbol of our heritage. So for those of you out there who are constantly arguing to end stereotypes, don’t be so fast to bash the Confederate flag. You are being hypocritical and adding fuel to the fire. If we want to end racial prejudice, we need to focus on current problems that can be fixed. We also need to realize nega tive stereotypes are not just held by white people. Most impor tantly, we need to take a step back, keep an open mind and see how pointless the argument over the Confederate flag really is. Daniel McCain Class of’99