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About The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1996)
April 1, ••APRIL FOOLS WARNING®• If you have no sense of humor or plan to take this page seriously, please stop right now. We're not kidding. Clinton pulls the plug on the Bush Presidential Library RIGHT THE! getting breast itistics show it a female programs art ■d men. I’t think it wi| and the carik iris,” Hollemai tely think m it from her e for breast ca e has seen p< fferent waystfl that it eithel them or tli^ to think about ; people thati! n’t really fcei it it very mud il.” the communit; dastic towarl id men whosi rom breast cat' iched sororib ;s their support eness The Butt align . 102, No. 120 (10 pages) Serving Texas AdrM University fince 1893 ‘Woo/qc of the fear Nude picture layout of Chewbacca's mother. NOT IN THIS PAPER Monday • April 1, 1996 e a sense ( —Joseph Aria 'yean operatk news BRIEFS Bad Ag to be lynched as example to others A lynching will be held at 3 p.m. today to slay a two-percenter who, when held hostage by the Traditional Council, refused to say "howdy," 'whoop" or take his hat off in the Memorial Student Center. Council member Jed Hogg said that a blatant trip across the MSC grass was the first clue to the crimes. "We were watching this guy and we saw him trip on a rock, and he fell down — on purpose — on the grass," he said. "Not only that, but he dragged his bleeding leg into the MSC to call an ambulance, and didn't remove liishat. Now that's bad bull." "We will not tolerate such behav ior from A&M students," another council member said. "Lynchings aren't used anymore, but this is Texas A&M dammit, and we have our own rules around here." "We gon' have us a good ol' fash ioned lynchin'l" Cletis Jones, a junior serving ersal universi ,ion,” with near ts scattered far I Sparks, rerseas prograi ation to soldien bronco riding major said. "Yeeeeee ms and very I bawwwww!" War Hymn to be remixed by rap stars In a startling move, A&M President layCrowen announced Friday that the “Aggie War Hymn" will be remixed byan all-star lineup of gangsta rap pers: Ice Cube, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Dr.Dreand 2Pac. d textbooks a® “We're very excited about having nd went,"saF such a group of funky, funky rappers chancelloraif taking part in the new song," Crowen liversityoflifc l^'“it should be dope, def, stupid- sea mission' I ^ fcpky-fresh and mackadocious. 5 students*! [flknow those funky, funky current “'andformer students are looking for just (hat in the 'Aggie War Hymn.'" The title of the song hasn't been re- leaied, but The Buttalion has learned hal'Aggeez Drive By," "Cowboyz Paradise," "Straight Outta College Sta tion’ and "Fear of a Burnt Orange Planet" are among the nominees. When asked why artists notorious hr criminal behavior were picked to TOix the song, Crowen said, "Man, why you trippin'? Don't you know appers are always bein' threatened by he man? We've always been down *#) O.P.P. Now get outta my face." fees can cl ■o sociology. ink llumoiA ner or I 7ext.lJ] Ji AMMIr ents, i!H Reveille proven to be a cat during check-up loan annual check-up by the lege of Veterinary Medicine, vet- frinarians discovered shocking bio logical information about the Texas A&M mascot: Reveille VI is a cat. lorn Katz, a veterinarian who exam ined Reveille, said, "We always as- imed she was a collie, but she dis mayed unusual behavior during the heck-up." Doctors witnessed her rring and rubbing against people. But the clincher," explained Katz, was when she coughed up a fur ." After extensive tests, doctors onfirmed that Reveille VI belongs ha rare species of felines called Fe- liscoli, which are normally found in 'emote regions of Sumatra. Reveille I's breeder has reportedly fled the ountry, and veterinarians are now Kamining the cat to diagnose her or dangerous diseases that can be ipread to humans. Night News EoP 1 ■pe Editor 'Ports Editor o Editor :h, Graphics Ebi? Hies Editor Benson, Eleanor^ rielle Pontiff, Kew 1 ' Kristina Baffin, ancis, Libe Goal Pace Designers: K" bnnie Christopher ly Holley axter, Rob Clar< ! ne Mejia, Chris Vatson riwan, Amy Bro» ; i Zimmerman ’a,'Jody Holley, F Lemons, lennifed' Yung , Mandy Cater/" Building, Texas AP eople are stupid, new study shows A poll of A&M students shows that hreeout of four people are stupid, ke Centers for the Preservation and tudyof Stuff defines stupid as "having Cue or very few of the characteristics f intelligence or reason." The results one after months of reviewing the lattalion's Mail Call section. The study also predicted that the 'umber of stupid people is on the rise, iythe year 2000, the center predicted kail Americans would "display at fast some qualities of stupid people ilh over 87 percent of the population Maying those qualities daily." A straw poll conducted by Student Government indicated that four out of ■ee people disagreed with the cen- e ?s findings. Good Morning! oday's Scratch Ri scratching e cause I've got e d-Ass." Kyle Fielding College Station Clinton pulls plug on A&M Bush Library plans By Wicket the Ewok The Buttalion In a surprise move, President Phil Clinton announced in his weekly ra dio address that he has ordered con struction on the Bush Presidential Li brary to stop. “Bush ran a dirty campaign, and I don’t think an electoral landslide was enough to curb his ego,” Clinton said. Clark Roberts, a spokesman for the library, said he was shocked by the move, which was made official when Clinton signed an executive or der Saturday freezing library funds and making construction on the prop erty a federal offense. “First we thought we’d have eight years to raise the money for the damn thing, now this,” Roberts said in a press conference Sunday. When asked if he thought there was a legal basis for appeal, Roberts said it would be an uphill battle. “Although it may seem like it would be impossible for the president to interfere with a project funded en tirely by private citizens, he is the president, and I don’t think he can be stopped,” Roberts said. Grover Cleveland, the 22nd presi dent of the United States and senior political science major, said it is very difficult to stop a president once he has signed an executive order. “As a political science major, this really hits me hard,” he said. “I was hoping we could put politics aside af ter those bastards at t.u. stopped whining about how we didn’t need a library here because we could all use the Johnson Library. Come on, the man looked like ZZ Top when he died.” George Snuffaluffagus, a Clinton spokesman and a Scorpio, said the move was being misconstrued. “It’s just that we’ve researched the community’s needs and found more CAN YOU FIND THE KITTY? Reveille VI, the Texas A&M mascot, gave birth to 22 frisky kittens Sunday morning. Reveille is shown above with the 1 5 felines she didn't eat. A&M cultures debate continues By Navin R. Johnson The Jerk Last night, the Texas A&M Senate passed a bill that would require all Texas A&M students to take 26 hours in courses exploring different cul tures. A&M President Jay Crowen said that he has already decided to veto the bill, but will wait until next year, after 42 public hearings have been held and students are really up set about it. “I really don’t think that now is a time to kill the measure,” Crowen said. “It is in the best interest of the University to wait until this recom mendation is misunderstood and blown out of proportion. We first need to give it a nickname like ‘public in doctrination’ or ‘force feeding.’” Ronald Crapp, president of the A&M Status-Quo Society and a senior cynic major, said he agrees with Crowen’s decision to kill the bill next year because students don't need any more education on different cultures. “Basically, I think that A&M has come a long way over the past few years,” Crapp said. “We let everyone drink out of the water fountains now, even the foreigners.” Members of Texas A&M’s minority population are enraged at Crowen’s decision. They contend that A&M should be on the forefront of fighting discrimination and that the require ment would better prepare graduates for communicating in real world. Pamela Wilkins, vice president for Texas A&M’s minority population, said the students and the University should be proactive to solve this prob lem. She said the Senate’s Require ment would actually solve problems around campus. But Moby Boefig, student body head guy, said that solving prob lems is not in the interest of the University. “Students elect us so that we can talk about things and have socials,” Boefig said. “Just like the motto on the back of our T-shirts says, ‘IT’S NOT OUR PROBLEM, AGS.’ Boefig also said that The Buttalion is more than likely the cause of prob lems at A&M. “Geez, man. Why do you guys have to talk smack about A&M?” he asked. “If you don’t talk about it, it’s not true ... so just shut up, for real. Gig ’em.” A&M head cheerleader, Grady “Aunt” Esther, agreed. “I gotta little story for ya, Ags,” Aunt Esther said. “This indoctrina tion stuff is bad bull, Ags. We gotta give this bill a horse’s laugh, Ags. We gotta fight it. Army. Beat the hell out ta this bill, Ags.” Dr. Crayon Northerland, vice president for student stuff, issued an official press release yesterday, discussing the University’s position on the bill. “Cultures is present at A&M,” the release stated, “but we can work to gether. A&M is a good school, and students go to school here. A world- class university has students who pay tuition who want to graduate. We have to examine the issues and then take a look at them. I like A&M.” The governor is expected to per manently shut down the Universi ty tomorrow. STARVIN' FOR SBISA? Rather than dine at Sbisa Dining Hall, Godzilla, a multi-year-old non-A&M student and the King of Monsters, opts to consume a passenger train, full of passengers. pressing construction priorities,” he said. Among the proposed alterna tives are a second special events center, a really big retreat center, a pig farm, another football practice field, and a plan that would desig nate the area as permanent green space. “Basically we’re looking into any thing but a library,” Snuffaluffagus said. “The students at A&M already have the best library in the world.” Students reacted in characteristic uniformity. At a political rally Satur day night, students endorsed Clin ton’s plan, held a candlelight vigil. and marched on the MSC grass, car rying signs that read, “Don’t let the Bush library tarnish our liberal im age.” There was some dissent, however, as a small fringe group met at The Dixie Rooster. To express solidarity and support of the Bush library, the dissenters left their cowboy hats at home and solemnly listened to Bar bara Streisand records while sipping Zimas. “This campus needs the library,” said Billy Bob “Bubba” Clampit, a ju nior wildlife and fishing major. “How else we gonna learn what a good con servative is all about?” Pay me, play me, catch me, kill me Aggies finally given 'Death Penalty ’ By Inigo Montoya The Buttalion The Texas A&M Football Team is no more today after the NCAA handed down the “death penalty” on the pro gram for its record 74,231 violations — including five consecutive false starts in the biggest game of the year. Although shockwaves resounded across campus Sunday afternoon fol lowing the announcement at Cain Hall, those involved in the hearings were far from surprised. “I really knew we had gone too far when we built the new parking garage for illegal cars only,” Athletic Produc er Wally Gruff said. “That and the 96- foot statue of Greg Hill were a little much.” Texas A&M Head Football Coach R.C. Yoakum opened up the press con ference with an apology to fans of A&M football everywhere. “Well, sometimes you try your damdest to get a guy to come to A&M, and you know, you’re talking to him and maybe you go fishing with his pappy and Mm, and maybe when you buy him that new fishing rod and reel as a going-away present and send him to Acapulco to try it out, maybe some people don’t see that as being exactly moral,” Yoakum said. “And then, let’s say you make that same mistake, say, 74,230 more times over a 25-year peri od. And all of a sudden, everyone around you is pointing fingers and saying He did this with so-and-so and he paid such-and-such $8,900 on March 31 by the MSC Fountain at midnight. “But once you start pointing fin gers, you start talking about finger pointing, and I don’t know nothing about finger-pointing, just about foot ball.” Perhaps the most startling revela tion of the NCAA investigations was the fact that of the 4,000 players in volved, a minimum of 144 were play ing under false names and ranged in age from 12 to 51. One of those players, former tail back Elroy McLeland, was present at Cain Hall Sunday to give support to Ms former school and said he would not trade his time at A&M for anything in the! world. “Well sure I missed the eighth-grade dance and tak- mg Drivers’ Ed,” said McLeland, who it was re vealed was 14 during Ms fresh man year at A&M, “But it was fun getting to see all those neat cities and getting free drinks at every bar m town.” Although the NCAA used the term “death penalty,” officials later re vealed that A&M will able to resume the sport, or whatever football has evolved mto, m the year 2214. Mmutes after this announcement, tickets went on sale for the 2214 sea son opener between A&M and Guam Polytech — a rather obscure school which Yoakum rated as “one of the top 10 schools between the 165th and 180th West longitudes.” R.C. Slocum Ah, the 1970s Strange “Catalan” rules A&M with iron fist The former Evel Nokes may be only half man, but he’s 100 percent AGGIE. By H.l. McDonough The Buttalion Cat urine. Most of us would never dream of gettmg injected with it. But that is exactly what happened to Texas A&M student Evel Nokes late one Mght at A.C. Butel m 1968. “I just had a bad headache,” Nokes said. “At first they said I was preg nant then one of the doctors said that was impossible because I had all ready gotten my tubes tied. Then they diagnosed me with cat scratch fever and injected me with the urine be cause apparently they were really stupid.” Two weeks later Nokes was a half man, half-cat creature which scien tists commonly refer to as “Darlene.” He then went into hiding in the steam tunnels underneath Texas A&M but still summers on Cape Cod. “I’m upset but I wouldn’t say I’m bitter,” Nokes said. “Hey, I’m the only guy I know who can give himself a hath without a tub.” Since then, Nokes has spent his free time making every decision for the Texas A&M regents and admmis- tration. An out of court settlement gave Nokes the power to do “whatever the hell he wants.” But lately the A&M admmistration has ignored the settlement foremg Nokes to hi ackmail people to get what he wants. Nokes has been able to keep the staff of The Buttalion on his side by giving away free communist party membersMps and lap dances from the Aggie cheerleaders. A&M president Jay Crowen is helpless to do anything because of the pictures of him mis- spelhng MSC in a game of Scrabble. Vice President for Student Stuff Dr. Crayon Northernland is power less to act because of a video of him singmg “I Can’t Get Over You, Until You Get Out From Underneath Him.” Regent chairwoman Very Bland East no longer can act by herself because Nokes owns every Iron Lung in the world. “I have a lot of stuff on a lot of people,” Nokes said. “But if I told you all of them, you probably wouldn’t be lieve me. You’d probably think it was April Fool’s Day or some thing.” It’s not that people do not be lieve Nokes, they just do not be lieve he exists. “I was there that night he was injected with that stuff,” Rick Arthur, a classmate of Nokes said. “There was no way that man is alive. That man has to be seriously dead. You’re making his death a big joke like it was April Fool’s Day or some thing.” However, others have seen the creature lurkmg in the steam tunnels. “I was down M the steam tunnels about a month ago,” Webster Pa- padopolous said. “That thing scared the hell out of me. Wait can I say hell in this paper. What about....” After several hard years Nokes has finally come to grips with himself. “I’m half-man/half-cat but I’m also an Aggie,” Nokes said. “Meow! Whoop! Meow! Whoop!” Nokes Happy April Fools Day! Happy April Fools Da