Thursday, March 29, 1990
Jannine is a junior Business Management major form Dallas. Jannine enjoys dancing, swimming and
playing the flute.
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Swimsuit from Dillard's. Photo by Peter Rocha.
Linde is a sophomore Industrial Distribution major from Houston. Linde enjoys soccer, diving and
travel.
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Swimsuit from Dillard's. Photo by Peter Rocha.
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Page 9
Sex
From 8
don’t do ever and which you might
do sometime but definitely not
this week or year.
Q. Foreplay, I’m sick of it! This
guy I married must think I am like
a space ship or something with
dials. Twiddle this one, talk into
that, beep, being, buzz, she has to
be ready for sex. I know that for
some marriages the big lack is no
foreplay, just biff, bam, thankee
ma’am, but some thought has to
be given to my special problem.
A. And you have to do the think
ing, right? Before you express
yourself on the problem to your
husband, you have to sit down by
yourself and think about what
you do want and how he might do
better by you and get you aroused
in just the special way you like.
You need to read, or maybe to
reread, a good sex book. And you
might try a couple of things to see
if they work before you decide to
see a sex therapist. It used to be
said that men are sexually
aroused through their eyes; wo
men, through their ears. Love talk
and soft whispering, they used to
generalize, produces sexy female
feelings while the male is more ex
cited by lots of skin and parts of
bodies not displayed in public.
Nowadays it is more and more
accepted that the paths to arousal
are not clearly marked Male and
Female. Guys like to be cooed
over, women may let themselves
get excited by a male eyeful. But
would you, nevermind about
trendiness, really like some vocal
wooing from that dial-twirler of
yours? I suggest that sometime
you Initiate.
That means, you start things —
you make the suggestion, by
things you do as well as say, that
you want to have sex. You sit next
to him on the couch, you start the
low-key kissing and touching and
talking, singing and cooing, and if
he responds by going right into
his Control Panel touching, you
put his hand away in a way that
says, “Not now.” Which is differ
ent from saying, “Cut it out." And
you continue to show him the
kind of wooing you want by giving
it to him.
If he thinks that what you want
is “twiddling,” then you teasingly
push that hand away and show
him the kind of touching you like.
In my book “Dr. Ruth's Guide to
Good Sex,” published by Warner
Books, you will find a description
of sensate focus exercises. This is
a series of practice touchings,
first practiced by one partner on
the other, then roles are reversed
and the toucher gets touched. The
goal is not to “have sex” or to have
an orgasm but to learn how to
touch and please.
It happens that some guys don’t
realize that touching to arouse
has to be done in a way the wo
man likes — and there are also
females who can be pretty mis
guided or klutzy about touching.
So the sensate focus exercise pro
vides a way to learn what the
other does like, and helps to over
come feelings of awkwardness
about what may be a whole new
way of touching.
Some guys still think that sen
sual touching is feminine or effe
minate; some women are still too
tentative about stroking, feather-
fingers, massaging. Having a set
time for learning can quickly eli
minate shyness about trying to
please.
Ruth Westheimer is a sex therapist.
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