The Battalion
OPINION
’he
Friday, July 14, 1989
Fridi
Free advice
unsafe
to
drivers
OK, for all you really unsafe drivers
out there who actually can read, this col
umn is for you.
Yes, after nearly getting killed today
for the 57th time this month by some
one whose vehicle, if he has to have one,
should have an advanced homing device
or at least a self-destruct mechanism
that activates once he gets out of heavy
traffic, I have decided to offer you more
than just various digital contortions that
always seem to be the thing to do at this
time.
Carol
Rust
The Beaumont Enterpv
ANSWER:The correct answerkj
(a.) Go when the traffic light
green. One easy way to remembet HM
rule, if you are familiar with theEnJ| Boarc
language, is to remember that “|
and “go” start w'ith the same letter
That’s the letter.
its list
jects, *
for te.
Cheesy lawsuit milks
Kraft
company dry
It doesn’t look like Kraft is going to
be able to squirm its way out from under
the “Ready to Roll” contest snafu.
For those of you who haven’t heard,
the company could owe more than
10,000 people Dodge custom vans va
lued at $ 17,000 each.
Now, why in the world would a com
pany as big and successful as Kraft USA
get themselves into such a big mess?
The answer is simple — to sell proc
essed cheese slices.
You see, Kraft thought that they
could make people purchase more proc
essed cheese slices with the incentive
that they might be able to drive around
in a new Dodge van for free. Kraft
thought that the average consumer, af
ter eating all those processed cheese
slices purchased in hopes of winning a
new van, would really begin to like proc
essed cheese slices, thus sales would re
main high after the opportunity to win a
new van had passed.
Does Kraft really think the American
people are that gullible? Yes.
But that’s not the point.
The point is that ihstead of printing
up 8,600 winning tickets for the the
prizes — 8,000 packages of cheese, 500
skateboards, 100 bicycles and one 1990
Dodge Caravan LE van — as they had
planned, about 21,000 winning tickets
were printed and distributed in the Chi
cago and Houston metropolitan areas.
Kraft noticed there was a problem
when a number of people began turn
ing in tickets for what was supposed to
have been a single prize — the van.
Of course, Kraft discontinued the
contest and pulled all the cheese off the
Ellen
Hobbs
Editor
But a few sore losers still want vans,
by God, and they’re no longer “Ready to
Roll,” they’re Ready to Sue.
A judge told them Tuesday that they
had a right to file a class action suit
against Kraft to get those vans, whether
or not Kraft had made an innocent mis
take.
And it’s FREE!
Welcome to Carol’s School of Driv
ing.
Yes, at Carol’s School of Driving, we
will review various fundamental rules of
the highway (in the continental United
States, at least) so that you can brush up
on them to improve your driving record
— and your chances of having another
birthday.
This is free of charge unless, of
course, you want to send in a donation
for that last blast of adrenalin you
caused me today when I was just about
to turn left, which shrewd drivers can
deduce by a left turn signal (red light on
rear left side of car going blinky-blinky-
blinky) and you decided to pass ON
THE LEFT SIDE right before I turned.
But let’s forget that for the moment
and start with the very poignant topic of
blinkers, and the very poignant direc
tion of left:
3. You are driving up a hilli
cannot see past this incredibly sbj
tion wagon going 60 mph withfivta
in the back. You need to get some™
(like your home 1.2 miles away)F,«
and this cretin is just crawling alonj
there was a speed limit or someth
What do you do?
(a.) Pass the mother, and theresi
the family, on the left side.
(b.) Toodle
total nerd.
along behind himlij
(c.) Pass the car on the right side s
tending for a moment the roadl
shoulder.
(d.) Get another beer.
The
shelves. However, before all the cheese
was pulled from the market, the media
found out and publicized Kraft’s unfor
tunate mistake. Many purchasers of the
product were prompted to run to their
local grocers to buy as many as they
could of the remaining packages of
processed cheese slices containing
“Ready to Roll” contest tickets.
Some of those people got tickets to
win the van, too.
Kraft made an attempt to make it up
to all those people who got their hopes
up. They quadrupled the original num
ber of prizes for those who had winning
tickets for the bikes, skateboards and
cheese, and players who had matched
tickets for the van and submitted them
by June 16 received $250 and were en
tered in a drawing for four Dodge Cara
van LEs.
That’s really a pretty good deal. Let’s
face it: most of those people who bought
the processed cheese slices bought them
because they wanted processed cheese
slices, not because they thought they
were going to win a van. When you start
with nothing and end up with $250, it is
still pretty exciting, even if you thought
you were going to get a van. It could
have been worse. You could still have
nothing except a package of Kraft Sin
gles.
hearing determined that the
winners could be certified as a class,
which allows all 20,000 winners, and
anyone else who comes forth with a win
ning gamepiece on before Oct. 31, to
seek relief from Kraft USA.
That means that Kraft could end up
paying more than 1.7 billion dollars in
damages to would-be winners, when all
they really wanted to do was sell a few
cheese slices.
1. You turn on your left blinker (red
light on left rear side of car going
blinky-blinky-blinky) when:
(a.) You are turning right.
(b.) You are turning left.
(c.) Right after breakfast.
(d.) That’s a BLINKER? Ha! And all
this time I thought that was just a cute
little ornamental knob!
ANSWER: The correct ans
is (b.) If you are driving around bet
a slow station wagon, chances are
your totally cool friends w'ill not see
since they are going at totally
speeds in an effort to break these
barrier, and you can save not onlyjif
reputation but the lives of the sir
wagon inhabitants by inching along;
totally uncool pace.
Why are they being punished so se
verely for this innocent mishap? Maybe,
according to the plaintiffs’ attorney
Burton Weinstein, it is because Kraft
USA is “taking advantage of that great
American obsession with gambling to
sell cheese.”
Of course they are. That’s what ad
vertising is all about — taking advantage
of the public’s obsessions to sell prod
ucts.
There was no real malice intended by
Kraft USA. All they were doing was try
ing to cash in on an idea that has been
popular with advertisers for years — us
ing a contest or give-a-wayto sell a prod
uct — and it backfired.
ANSWER: The correct answer here
is (b.) You turn on your left blinker
when you are turning left. One easy way
to remember this, if you are married
and are turning left, is to always turn
the blinker in the direction of the hand
on which you wear your wedding ring.
Another clue might be to turn the
blinker in the direction you are turning.
2. You are at a red traffic light in
town, which most alert drivers can de
duce by the color of red. Then, sud
denly and unexpectedly, the light
CHANGES TO GREEN! What do you
do?
4. BONUS QUESTION (worthij
points): There is a silly little yellowifi
the highway department decided tol
up some years ago in the shape ofan|
verted (upside-down) triangle, if
word on it is from a Baptist hymni| !
starts with a “Y.” (HINT: “Y—- No|'
Temptation.” The mystery word)
rhymes with “field.”) It, (the sign.i
the hymn) often appears near feei
road entrances to the interstate. Dof
know what the word is, and whan
should do when you see it?
progr
proxii
Ref
ville, '
ing tl
trainii
it.
“W<
dates
pay fc
cost oi
feet ec
Hill
abuse
jor pr
today
it.”
On
for fn
127-7.
Senate
In f
to Goi
would
Health
quarar
to try
dangei
In (
gave t
that w
recom
person
to a mi
The
confer
tiate w
bill to
sity in ]
(a.) Don’t sin.
(b.) Say, “Look at that dumb upsil
down triangular shaped sign!”
(c.) Remark how that dumb sign
evolved into smaller but equally dm
yellow diameynd-shaped signs that:
reproducing like crazy on the
windshields of cars.
(a.) Go.
(b.) Sit there and discuss the situation
in China or the sale on at Weiner’s until
the light turns yellow, then spurt
through.
I think we should give the poor Kraft
company a break. They lost control. It
was an accident. Accidents happen.
Ellen Hobbs is a junior journalism
major and editor of The Battalion.
(c.) Pick your nose and turn up the ra
dio.
(d.) Start your car, since you turned it
off at the red light, and get another
beer.
(d.) The word is “yield,” which mea;
slow down and look for traffic
■
getting on entrance ramp.
ANSWER: The correct answer bfi
is (d.) Slow down and look for trafii
thus ensuring you will live throughyoi
next driving maneuver.
As will the rest of us, too.
Carol Rust writes for the Beaunu'
Enterprise.
Sibling rivalry applies to dogs, too
A number of readers have inquired
recently about my new dog, Cornbread.
Cornbread is a 6-month-old male
black Lab, and I have paired him with
the grizzled veteran Catfish, also a male
of the same breed.
People want to know, “How does
Catfish like having another dog another
around the house?”
I’m not certain since Catfish can’t
Lewis
Grizzard
Columnist
talk. But the look on his face when
Cornbread bites him on the ear or out
runs him to a tennis ball seems to be say
ing, “How could you have done this to
me?”
Sibling rivalries. I’ve heard about that
sort of thing before, and why shouldn’t
it apply to dogs?
Cornbread has turned out to be a toe-
licker. I’ve heard about that before, too.
Erotic novels are full of that sort of
thing, and, again, why shouldn’t it also
apply to dogs?
A toe-licker isn’t the worst kind of
dog you can get. The worst kind of dog
is an egg-sucker.
ping the dog never went near the
chicken coop again. And whenever he
smelled eggs cooking, he would run un
der the bed and whimper.
In an effort to find out if Cornbread
was an egg-sucker, I opened the refrig
erator door and pointed out the eggs to
him to see what he would do. (They
don’t allow chickens in my neighbor
hood.)
The Battalion
(USPS 045 360)
Member of
Texas Press Association
Southwest lournalisrn Conference
The Battalion Editorial Board
Ellen Hobbs,
Editor
Juliette Rizzo,
Opinion Page Editor
Fiona Soltes,
City Editor
Drew Leder, Chuck Squatriglia,
News Editors
Steven Merritt,
Sports Editor
Katny Haveman,
Art Director
Hal Hammons,
Makeup Editor
Editorial Policy
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resent the opinions of Texas A&M administrators, fac
ulty or the Board of Regents.
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I had an egg-sucker once. His name
was Leonard. He hung out around the
chicken coop, and when the hens had
finished their business, he would root
his way under the fence and suck a few
eggs-
“You have to get rid of Leonard,” my
grandfather said. “He’s an egg-sucker.”
I might have had to give Leonard his
walking papers had it not been for an
incident that occurred soon after my
grandfather’s ominous statement.
Leonard was on his way to the hen
area one moring and got into a rift with
a rooster, Garland.
Garland gave Leonard such a whip-
Cornbread showed no interest in the
eggs whatsoever. He grabbed a pound
of ground chuck instead. What relief I
felt.
I first learned Cornbread was a toe-
licker early one morning. I had thrown
off my cover and my feet and toes were
exposed.
I was in the midst of a dream in which
I was attempting to walk through a field
covered with green jello. I awakened,
however, to find Cornbread licking my
toes.
I asked the vet if the fact Cornbread
licked toes meant the dog was suffering
from any sort of physical or mental dis
order.
“Not that I know of,” said the«
“but if he stops licking your toes 4
starts biting and chewing them, youT
got a real problem.”
Biting and chewing, indeed. Lit!
Catfish before him, Cornbread tol
done some serious damage.
He ate my glasses recently. H ;:
chewed up one of my golf shoes. Ev ,£ I
the spikes had teeth marks.
He has gnawed the legs on sever;
chairs, he attacked a pillow and won,hi
destroyed a wool blanket a frier. •
brought me from New Zealand, and or
morning 1 took him out and he start?;
chewing on one of the tires on my car. )'
Other than all that, he’s a wonderfi |
dog. He’s happy. He’s friendly. Hr
smart. And he’s mine.
Catfish, I am certain, eventually v'l
learn to accept him as a part of the fam
ily, and sleeping in a pair of socks hast
been nearly as bad an experience as
thought it might be.
Copyright 1989, Cowles Syndicate