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About The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current | View Entire Issue (Aug. 9, 1988)
Page 2/The Battalion/Tuesday, August 9, 1988 Opinion For your consideration a certain GOP speed Texans rejoice. It a p p e a r s as though Texas has tripped haphaz ardly right into the limelight of the ’88 p re s i - dential campaign. And now, to top it off, Phil Gramm (a senator) has been given the more- than-dubious of the rogue speech in lieu of my col umn today. Certainly, this is a day I thought Td never see. A scoop for The Battalion/ Will wonders never cease? Friends, neighbors, delegates and Dan Rather; Mark Nair Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Please, the standing ovation is too much. Please, thank you. Oh, roses. For me? Oh, thank you, thank you very much. Please, take your seats. honor of introducing George Bush (a candidate) to the Republican Conven tion (a mess) in New Orleans. When I heard the news, I was one excited guy, I can tell you. So, as it happens, the other day I was snooping through some pretty sensitive classified government stuff that I just happened to intercept with my micro- wave oven. Somebody had labeled one of the sealed folders, “Confidential. Se cret. Classified. For Your Eyes Only. Clearance Required. Et Cetera. Et Ce tera. For Sanity’s Sake, Do Not Open. ” Of course, I had to open it. And what do you know, it was the rough draft of Mr. Gramm’s speech to the convention. What a gold mine of wisdom! I come today bearing tidings of a pre tty dang swell guy. (NOTE: It appears here that Mr. Gramm ran into some word choice problems. He had written “wonderful,” “fantastic,” “intelligent” and “god-like” but had crossed out all these choices, settling on “pretty dang swell. ”) And when I say “pretty dang swell,” you know I mean it. his mouth. HA! We all know that that is physically impossible. Miss Richards continued to lambast our great leader, calling him nasty names and throwing questions out about where he was dur ing the slight arms to Iran error. Well, Miss Roberts, I’ll tell you, it’s really none of your business. He could have been in the bathroom for all you know. That’s what this great country of ours is all about — making choices. George could have made that simple choice to skip the meeting that day and visit the men’s room. Is that a sin? Oh, no, Miss Robin son, your accusations and vicious claims flounder hopelessly in the face of pure Republican reason. sleeping under freeway overpasses. All that going on and the Democrats squab ble about a little hotel room. Posh! say that nobody can put on a wee show like George can. But I cannot defend George Bush all day; there are too many false and ridic ulous accusations flying around. I stand here to present the man the best I can. I stand here to tell you why George Bush is the greatest candidate we have. I stand here to praise a great man and hopefully score some major points with the voters so that I’ll be president one day, too. (NOTE: The previous sen tence was scratched out violently. In the margin it says, “just my little secret. He ll e-he. ”) Soft on crime like those Demi Hardly! In fact, George Bushissol nosed and so conservative on criint . . . that . . . well, that he’s reallytoi| FO crime, that’s what he is. And L ’"“"’ the economy the same way, fc the footsteps of our great mentor, aid Reagan, father of our country, hur ttury-c (NOTE: Several paragraphs hen unintelligible scribbles covered fee stains. They didn’t look that in p arr . tant, so I’ve translation.) deleted them from The man I speak of, the next Presi dent of the United States, (NOTE: In the margin are the scrawled words, “Lord help us”) the man who has it all and knows it, Mr. George Bush. Anyway, in the interest of fair, un biased journalism, I have decided after no thought whatsoever to print the text What can you say about such a man? Well, the Democrats found plenty to say about him. And all of those nasty things were just that: nasty. Miss Richardson told the Democratic Convention that Mr. Bush was born with a silver spoon in And what’s the business with what’s- his-name, the Democrat’s choice for a candidate? Kennedy, that’s it. What’s the deal with his picking Lloyd, a Texan, as his running mate? Well, since I’m from Texas and I know what’s going on, I’ll tell you. Mr. Kennedy from Massachusetts decided to pick Mr. Lloyd in order to rival George’s claim of being a true Texan, which he certainly is. I can vouch for that. I know that some Democrats claim that George isn’t a Texan because his home is a hotel room. Well, I’ll tell you something. Some of my best friends live in hotel rooms. In fact, I’ve even read of people that live in mobile homes for gosh sakes. And on “Miami Vice” I’ve seen people George Bush, unlike his Democratic foe, Kennedy, is not a wimp. He’ll put the Ruskies in their place, all right. I re member when George Bush was the Badminton champ of the Ivy League. And I mean, BAD-minton. If that doesn’t show pure power, pure strength, pure resolve, then I don’t know what does. Yes, my colleagues, George Bi the choice for 1988. He is a man can . . . who can . . . who cando» different things all at the same He’s a man who can kick some butt. Really, ask yourself whatever pened to Geraldine Ferrari. ThatV,B mern i you get for messing with the Bushei And then there’s George Bush’s ex perience. He wasn’t invisible as vice- president. George Bush was a very ac tive participant in government when he wasn’t in the restroom. In fact, he is the Finest ribbon-cutter that I have ever seen. And when he attends funerals of officials in other countries, well. I’ll just So my friends, neighbors, delei and especially you Dan, putyourk; together for the one, the only,dit publican’s Republican, George Bust :an w hey r De 3ene vhicf he d o am :sty t< he d ion. Wa ainm here ^_endi ungo wit! Thank you very much. OK. That’s it. Mark Nair is a graduate studem opinion page editor for The Telephone answering machines not just a swell time anymore You heard it here first. An swering machines are the root of all evil in American society. They have already created a clique (Thurston Howell III voice: “I’ll just leave a message on your machine. Oh, you don’t have one. Stephen Masters looks like the flight controls for the Concorde. You don’t need a phone with this machine; it’s so difficult to figure out, you never have time to call anyone anyway. Guest Columnist When wi./7 you join the 20th century?”). And since they don’t have answering machines in Iran, they are the basis for the hatred of our nation. (“The ‘Great Satan’ is too lazy to answer his own phone. KILL, KILL, KILL!! ”) Mistake number one — you listen to Thurston and Lovey. First you do years of research to Find the best model avail able (“Look honey. Here’s one for our car phone. Only $3,000. It says here it will even park the car for us.” “That’s great dear. Now all we need is a car pho ne.”) You search high and low reading all kinds of electronic magazines with companies that always seem to have three capital letters making up their name (IBM, AT&T, JNK, PAY, RIP, ETC.) Once you’ve spent all this time and a month’s pay on your new toy, it’s time to make up a message. Now you could use the suggested message that usually goes something like this: “You have reached the residence of (INSERT YOUR NAME HERE) but I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m sorry. Really, I am. But if you’ll leave your name and number, the time you called, your sis ter’s number, a brief message and three references other than relatives after the tone, then I’ll call you back just as soon as I Figure out how to listen to my mes sages.” that people either hang up or don’t give their name. It’s your responsiblity to guess who is talking before they end their message, kind of like a really bad game show (“Now Bob, for the new Yugo, the trip to Guam, and the year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni, identify these 10 mystery callers.” “But Jim, I don’t know 10 people.”) Don’t laugh. (Okay, maybe a little.) Mark my words though. If it’s available, Channel Three will pick it up and air it right after “Hollywood Squa res.” That would be an intellectual twin bill. When you aren’t guessing who is call ing, it’s because First they tell you who they are and then they provide their own unsolicited opinion about your message. Often this is not a positive re sponse. Personally, I think they’re just jealous. Then you look at the pictures. There are apparently two schools of thought in the answering machine industry. One school provides a machine as small as possible. Their ads usually say things like, “Need extra space? No problem. Our system is so small it fits right inside your phone! Just unscrew the receiver cover and put it right in.” The picture is magnified 1000 times. Of course, tapes for this model cost somewhere in the neighborhood of a socket set bought by the Defense Department. And listening to your messages can be tough when you can’t see the machine. The main problem is this. Half the reason you bought the dumb machine is after hearing all the neato-keen mes sages your friends have, your creative powers (just one step away from pure evil) told you you could make up a mes sage just as witty and tricky. Making up a message sounds easy, but when the time comes, those once-friendly creative powers have suddenly left for the Baha mas and you’re left with an empty an swering machine message and no hope in sight. All you can do is sit with you mouth open and look stupid. (Lucky for you this isn’t the 21st century with a pic ture phone.) See what you get for listen ing to those tricksters? By now you’ve had this piece of mod ern technology for about a month and all you have is bad game show fodder and insults about your creativity, which is relaxing on the beach of some un charted Caribbean island. Perhaps it would be a better idea to get a room mate to answer the phone for you. At least you don’t have to have to tell him what to say (most of the time). Stephen Masters is a senior staff writer and wishful columnist for The Battal ion who has the odd habit of muttering “honk, honk, clack, clack” to himself after a hard day’s work. Mail Call The movie reviewer knows all EDITOR: Recently, Ian Dick pleaded fellow Christians to campaign against the showing of “The Last Temptation of Christ,” directed by Martin Scorsese and distributed by Universal Pictures. At the very least, his proposal implie; that (1) we can judge things, ideas or people before we know or study them; (2) we must be protected from “evil” because we have no ability to think for ourselves and/or because our belief in Christianity is too tenuous to withstan: a direct confrontation with heresy; and (3) the world can be made blissful!) ignoring the “evil” products, i.e., let’s focus on the effects and not the cause) Dick concludes that the film is “evil” based on “all the information I ha seen.” Since he has not seen the movie, just what information is he talking about? Someone eles’s synopsis? Maybe from Bill Bright, national presidem of the Campus Crusade for Christ? Dick seems to react to the movie much like Bright: Invited to a July 12 screening of the film — along with many other religious leaders. Bright declined; without seeing it, he has tried to bn and destroy the film without it ever being distributed for release. At leas! Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said, “I’ll know it (pornography) when I see it.” Some are so omniscient that they don’t need any substantive evidence tojudge. In dealing with this “evil,” Dick suggests that the film be banned: An“i of-sight-out-of-mind” approach. This demonstrates a rather simplisticvh of vice: It is not a problem of the individual but of things. All of this points to an aversion to scrutinization. Why? The only reason! can think of is that there is a doubt in men’s reason and beliefs: We are all “monkey see, monkey do.” Either we lack sincerity in our beliefs or we cant reason. But we do reason. We can believe. And we face the world with these abilities. But obviously, some fear the abyss: “Battle not with the monster lest yoi become the monster.” This fear, however, is that of individuals, not of all men. Personally, I refuse to be hobbled by someone else’s fears. Adults are generally categorized as those who accept the responsibility of decision making. Finally, several religious leaders did attend the screening, and many found it worthwhile, such as Rt. Rev. Paul Moore (Episcopal Bishop of Ne\i York) who, in a letter to the NY Times, wrote, “The movie affirms (the) classic definition of Christ.” Moore’s letter proves nothing except the movie —like most things — is not so absolutely “evil” or “holy” that it can beju without examination. Cl PI m Gary Beason, grad student Letters to the editor should not exceed 300 words in length. The editorial staff reserves the right toedillitt for style and length, but will make every effort to maintain the author’s intent. Each letter must besigntl must include the classification, address and telephone number of the writer. The other type of recorder provides every feature you could possibly want today and some that won’t be fashiona ble until your children are very old. Since these models do so much, they are usually very large. One that I’ve seen Finally you come up with an idea that you like, and you call all your friends and tell them that you just got an an swering machine and they should call you. This is a serious mistake. If you really want people to call, NEVER TELL THEM THAT YOU WANT THEM TO CALL. This has the same effect as putting a sign on your door that says, “Plague victim inside — Please come in and share a meal.” By asking your friends to call, you effectively guarantee that your phone will not ring for about two weeks. BLOOM COUNTY by BerKe Breathe Once this quarantine period is over, calls start to trickle in. The problem is ■g-f fvr we F/ft5T M//V(/7e, fl MINUTE WeREAFTEN. NOH/ /(JOT JUMP RfOHT IN/ HEllO? ANY 0IFL5 LISTENING T 7M A TALL VERSION OF TOM CRC/lSE IN/TH HUMONGOVS PECTORALS. BLOOM COUNTY The Battalion by Berke Breathe groi utili Pub chai Ii mitt Plar the < said proi L stafi with met pan leng T told shoi that Off whi< sma age! and nun S shoi cal < J A1 bara thun leavt days yard 1 eme Trai hosp theii Jo (USPS 045 360) Member of Texas Press Association Southwest Journalism Conference The Battalion Editorial Board Richard Williams, Editor Sue Krenek, Managing Editor Mark Nair, Opinion Page Editor Curtis Culberson, City Editor Becky Weisenfels, Cindy Milton, News Editors Anthony Wilson, Sports Editor Jay Janner, Art Director Editorial Policy The Battalion is a non-profit, self-supporting newspa per operated as a community service to Texas A&M and Bryan-College Station. Opinions expressed in The Battalion are those of the editorial board or the author, and do not necessarily rep resent the opinions of Texas A&M administrators, fac ulty or the Board of Regents. The' Battalion also serves as a laboratory newspaper for students in reporting, editing and photography classes within the Department of Journalism. The Battalion is published Monday through Friday during Texas A&M regular semesters, except for holiday and examination periods. Mail subscriptions are $17.44 per semester, $34.62 per school year and $36.44 per full year. Advertising rates furnished on request. Our address: The Battalion, 230 Reed McDonald, Texas A&M University, College Station, TX 77843-1 111. Second class postage paid at College Station, TX 77843. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to The Battal- ■ ion, 216 Reed McDonald, Texas A&M University, Col lege Station TX 77843-4 111. ACTUALLY, I RACE OFFSHORE SPEEIP BOATS IN N\Y SPA REV ME. ALSO-