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About The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current | View Entire Issue (April 25, 1988)
Page 2/The Battalion/Monday, April 25, 1988 Opinion Smile, breathe and kick, for the end is neai Isn’t it written s o m e w h e r e that one of the first signs of Armaged- don lias some-, thing to do with aerobics? I wasn’t sure either. So I looked in The Book to see what I could see. This is what it said: “And verily, be hold and so forth, there came from a Mark Nair laundry room so clean and tidy, a multi tude of effervescent sweaty people clothed in outfits so tight and sparkling; thus then this eternally smiling legion with abundant energy will come forth in the name of health and exercise and levy a black curse upon the world for days to come, and these creatures, by their own will, shall introduce the Apoc alypse to the triumphant sound of the “Top 40” anti-hymns . . The reason for my investigation has to do with a certain television special — namely “The National Aerobic Cham pionship” sponsered by Crystal Light, the drink that both tastes like perfo rated cardboard and leaves that sandy feeling in your mouth while MAKING YOU SLIM DOWN AND FEELGOOD AT THE SAME TIME. Now, don’t get me confused with people who live only to watch programs like this one. The only reason I knew it existed was be cause the commercial for it interrupted a real show — Star Trek. But it looked interesting. And I re membered something about aerobics having something to do with the end of the world, so I decided that it would be in my best interest, not to mention the best interest of the world (seeing as though I have every plan to be Master Of The World one day and should look out for the world’s best interests) to see what this championship thing was all about. NOT A: The following is nn intricate and delicate social commentary. For those of you who do not understand that this is an intricate and delicate so cial commentary, skip to the sports sec tion where nothing is ever intricate, del icate or, for that matter, interesting. Before I begin my analysis, let me say that I only watched about three minutes o f T he National A e r o b i c Championship. I think this is enough for an adequate analysis. Plus, scientists have documented that any long expo sure to such things as aerobics and ja/.- zercise (this includes both observing and participating) leads to an increased de sire to watch re-runs of Gilligan’s Island and to have hair molded in the style of Greg “Afro Man” Brady. This is some thing I do not want. Back to the show. It was something like this: Here, there is a stage. Around the stage are many clapping people. Some times they cheer. More than often, though, they are clapping. Suddenly, three people jump on the stage. They are smiling. They are wearing strange outfits. The outfits look like they have been painted on the bodies of the smil ing, jumping people. The socks have se quins on them. They are sequential socks. Now for the actual aerobics. The three people jump up and down, do pu- Jackson’s economic plan might have some benefits WASHING- TON — The two leading Demo cratic presidential contenders, Mi chael Dukakis and Jesse Jackson, have borrowed from the Reagan Lars-Erik Nelson Guest Columnist mortgages, but now they compete for higher prof its by playing the stock mar ket. administration the Blondie Bumstead theory of account ing: Money they could spend — but don’t — is counted as money saved and available for other purposes. That is, if Blondie buys a dress for only $100 of Dagwood’s money when she could have spent $300, she credits herself as having earned $200 — which she is then free to spend on something else. What seduced them was portfolio in surance — the program trading that promises investors a prof it if the market goes up and protects them against a loss if the market goes down. You buy a bas ket of stocks and a matching basket of futures options for the same stocks. At opportune times, you capitalize on the difference between the price of the stock and the price of the options. Ask Dukakis and Jackson how they will finance such social programs as low- cost housing and they answer: by canceling the Strategic Defense Initia tive (“Star Wars”), halting development of the Midgetman missile, canceling the Trident D-5 missile and not building any more MX missiles. This is so complicated a scheme that it needs computers to make the purchases and the sales. Last Oct. 19, it collapsed. With the rtiafket falling, the computers kicked in with massive gelling programs aimed aTprotecting'tilerprofits of huge institutional investors — like pension funds. In the free-fall, the market dropped 500 points. It is true that SDI, if developed according to President Reagan’s dream, might cost as much as $ 1 trillion — but it is $1 trillion the country doesn’t have. We are already running a federal deficit even without making that expenditure; canceling it doesn’t “save” a dime. Last week, it happened again. The New York Stock Exchange ordered computer trades to stop, but the market still fell 101 points as brokers executed their program trades. Most people in pension plans don’t know which stocks the plans own. The fund managers move in and out of whichever stock seems most likely to make a short-term profit — especially stocks in companies that are likely takeover targets. The Midgetman is still in a research stage. Ganceling it would save maybe $500 million a year, or enough to buy $50,000 homes for $10,000 families. What the Democrats are locking themselves into, if elected, is a promise that denudes the nation of defenses for the sake of savings that are insufficient to solve the social problems. You wind up with the worst of both worlds: a weakened defense and an inability to make good on your promise of housing the homeless. It is ironic: Pension funds are helping to feed the merger mania that draws capital out of the home-mortgage mar ket. When the bubble bursts, and the market falls, working people fear their retirement income is going up in smoke. If the money was invested, instead, in housing, it might fetch a lower but far safer return. Jackson, however, has proposed a housing program that at first sounded inadequate, but now looks better and better. If you take part of the nation’s pension funds, he says, and invest them in low-cost housing, retirees will have a safe investment, and affordable housing will be available to low- and moderate- income families. The argument against this has been that the pension funds woujld be penal ized by being locked into low-yield home mortgages. Pension managers once looked for safe investments like The Battalion (USPS 045 360) Member of Texas Press Association Southwest Journalism Conference The Battalion Editorial Board Sue Krenek, Editor Daniel A. LaBry, Managing Editor Mark Nair, Opinion Page Editor Amy Couvillon, City Editor Robbyn L. Lister and Becky Weisenfels, News Editors Loyd Brumfield, Sports Editor Jay Janner, Photo Editor shups and fling their arms about, show ing how big their muscles are. 1 he\ smile. They do more push-ups, and then they jump up and down some more. They jog in place. They gyrate. T he music suddenly stops. The aerobic people suddenly stop. They freeze in place, breathe deeply and smile. Then the announcers. 1 he an nouncers are also very happy, probably very healthy, people. They smile a lot. Announcer 1: Did you see how well they did those push-ups? Announcer 2: 1 sure did. Those were great. But did you see that jogging-in- place routine? Announcer 1: How could you miss it? They sure look healthy out there. Look at those smiles! Announcer 2: And they synch ronized! Announcer 1: They sure were! those sequined socks. Announcer 2: You have good taste. You see, I don’t understand an aero bics competition. I used to think that sure were people did aerobics just to keep shape, not to compete. 1 suppose 1 wrong (you won’t hear me often, seeing as though 1 want to j Master Of The World and cannot si admit error). So, the conclusion. Aerobic com* tions are evil. Men who wearskin-tp leotards and promote health tlmq aerobics are evil. People who touching their knees to their noses,| st ill smile about it are evil. I he end is upon us. Therein w here to run. Even DonaldSutMt will turn out to be an aerobicchantti 1 he horror, the horror. I hus concludes the author'sspi tenure on the opinion page. Thai would likt‘ to thank his manyspoa for their wonderful support tk< these tenuous times, andhemulil to thank all the me/nhers oftfeil denn . including Wesle\ (.'nis/ierult ; iL, |h e c In - know s will he accepted intotki'. I Mat hi denn next vear. Beanie, T conger Bed by a major and opinion page editorImh 0 i the sy More iated in kmerica |al Park Jrs, rum one todd her fat ht pledges I I Vom.il Rector fo tire walk tion. ■ Miss I ijlhanie ■larch o tiict’s Po \k j re on Rather than banking imaginary sav ings from canceled weapons systems, the Democrats might do better to focus on the Jackson pension-fund plan. It doesn’t require an arbitrary, unilateral reduction of U.S. defenses. If we have to cut weapons systems, it is more safely done in negotiations with the Soviets than as a result of a domestic outcry for social spending. The Jackson plan didn’t seem all that attractive when the stock market was soaring. But with its 101-point free-fall, Wall Street has made Jacksonomics look good. Donald Kaul is on vacation. Lars-Erik Nelson is a syndicated column whose column is distributed by Tribune Me dia Services, Inc. Editorial Policy 77ie liiitlnlion is a non-profit, .self-supporting newspa per operated as a eonnnunitv service to Texas A&M and Bryan-College Station. Opinions expressed in 7Vie B;ill:ilion arc those of the editorial board or the author, and do not necessarih rep resent the opinions of Texas AXM administrators, fac ulty or the Board of Regents. The liiillnlion also serves as a laboratory newspaper for students in reporting, editing and photography classes within the Department o! Journalism. I Ih- BiUUilion is published Monday through Friday during Texas AXM regular semesters, except for holiday and examination periods. Mail subscriptions tire SI7.44 per semester. S34.(i2 per school vear and. SSb. l4 per lull year. Advertising rates furnished on request. Our address: The B.itcilion. 230 Reed McDonald. Texas AXM L niversit v. (College Situ ion. 4 X 77843-1111. Second class postage paid tit College Station. IX 7784 3. 1’OSTM AS4T.R: Send address changes to the Biiiml- ion. 210 Reed McDonald. Texas A&M University. ’Col lege Station TX 77843-4 111. If the ne Id brotl Hetnnnin I I The \ «;ir of i |ig birth veil start ;hb pres Batch t< |idy sale dressed i each per White F for the c of Dime found, t into rese Mail Call Where’s the track news? EDITOR: I would like to voice my disapproval on the lack of cov erage for the Aggie Track Team. Through two home meets and half of the track season your paper has f ailed to cover any aspect of the program. I feel it is an insult to these athletes who bust their butts week after week only to receive little recognition for their performances. The team has a new track stadium, and there were very impressive crowds at both home meets. Obviously there is much interest for the track team, and I fail to understand why there is no coverage from The Battalion. Perhaps in the f uture your paper could report on the trackteamift deavors and on the many fine individual performaiw this year. By the wav . A&M has an excellent chancel knocking oft Arkansas and 1 exas for the confera championship in May. Brian Smith ’90 F.ditor s note: meets. The Battalion did indeed cover l.ctters to the editor should not exired 300 words in length. The ditmhtf sen'es the right to edit letters lor st\le rind length, hut will mtikrnmT nuiinlnin the nulhoTs intent. I.ruh letter must he signed and niusliiMtll si/it nlion. address and telephone nuniher of the writer. BLOOM COUNTY by Berke Brea# g* tn ck fa yc Pe qi dc la If Cc Pi w in C ta es cc itc a\ ar Pi e\ in b( re d< uc Pi be