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Once again, it is I, Uncle
Leonard.
I know, I know, you thought
that Uncle Leonard was the sick
creation of a couple of weeks
ago who would never again offer
advice to those who do battle on
the four fronts of dating and re
lationship warfare. (They’re cal
led relationships nowadays be
cause nobody goes steady any
more. Pity.)
You thought Uncle Leonard
was something akin to a cheap,
one-night stand — heave ho and
you're outta there. Bull.
Tell that to the hunchbacked
postal gnomes I’ve had to hire to
drag the bushel baskets of can
celled postage — that you peo
ple are writing — into my clut
tered area here at At Ease. I had
no idea that there was that great
a need for an advice columnist.
Why, you people have got
some real serious troubles when
it comes to knowing how to deal
with a love spat.
Hey, I shouldn’t have to do
this. I’ve got enough troubles of
my own without having to take
time out to save you people from
yourselves.
If you would just apply some
simple rules to your everyday
perusal of the opposite sex, you
wouldn’t find yourself stuck with
somebody who’s going to give
you the ultimate Uncle Leonard
commode-flushing blow-off.
I’m speaking, of course, of the
soul-damning line, “Gee whiz,
so-and-so,! really like you a lot
and everything, but I think we
should date other people.”
Man, that’s the worst.
And with Halloween and
trick-or-treat coming up tonight,
I’m worried sick about those of
you who’ve sent letters since the
last Uncle Leonard column.
Jeez, use your heads for
something other than just empty
fishbowls to hang your Hallo
ween masks on.
Some of you are probably
going to ignore all of this great
Halloween advice I’m fixing to
lay on you.
And that’s fine because you’ll
be the ones who disappear from
the party tonight with the mum
my, only to discover a big scare
tomorrow morning when you
realize that the person really
does have green wrinkly skin
and yellow teeth.
Dear Uncle Leonard,
I’m in this sorority, and me
and some of my sisters are going
to this big Halloween bash
tonight at one of the fraternity
houses. Frankly, I’m a little wor
ried that things are going to get
... , , ~~
out 01 hand because my ex
boyfriend and my current boyf
riend are in that same frat. What
should I do if those guys start
acting weird?
Signed, Missy
Dear Misty,
Have you lost your mind?
Hey, you don’t ever date some
body in a sphere where you
have to operate everyday.
You blew it not once, but
twice.
You should have found your
self a nice cadet to date and this
never would have happened. So
what if you wouldn’t have any
thing in common?
Remember that all party situa
tions are volatile and the pre
sence of old flames does nothing
to diminish the possibility of a
brawl.
As for those two guys who’ll
be there, I suggest that you tease
the hell out of both of them and
then watch’em fight to the death
for your hand. Besides, the en
tertainment value of watching
two frat daddies try to duke it out
while not messing up their hair is
just too great.
Dear Uncle Leonard,
• I’m a pretty average guy, I
guess, and I think what I have is a
pretty average problem.
Here it is, another holiday,
and I’m spending it alone
spend almost every holiday, ex
cept for Christmas, alone.
I was counting on this Hallo
ween turning up some kind of
Smurf-type girl who would fulfill
my ghoulish fantasies. Got any
last-minute suggestions?
Signed, Orville
Dear Oscar,
Man, you’re sick. I hope
you’re not planning to be hand
ing out candy tonight. No won
der you spend your holidays
alone. You don’t deserve a
Smurf-type girl.
You deserve to be victimized
by some large girl dressed as a
vampire.
But for you, Oscar, she’d be
the perfect one.
Get outta here. You’re dis
gusting.
Dear Uncle Leonard,
I’m the coordinator for a Hal
loween party that my mom’s
throwing for all of the nice girls in
my dorm (who can afford the
$25 cover charge) and I’ve got a
problem.
The trouble is that I won’t
possibly be able to monitor the
location of all of our freshman
women at the party because
there’s just too many of them
and they’ll all be wearing cos
tumes.
As a senior, I feel it’s my re
sponsibility to see to it that none
of the women in my dorm dis
appear with unsavory characters
(my mother unwittingly invited
the Motorcycle Dogs from Hell).
How can I keep up with them?
Signed, Melanie
Dear Melody,
I’m glad that somebody out
there is trying to save our more
impressionable women from
guys who walk around at Hallo
ween parties with Snickers bars
and say, “Hey girlie, want some
candy?”
I suggest that to verify that all
of your freshman are there at the
party and safe, you use an old
National Football League trick
and devise a system of code
grunts.
It sounds a bit primitive I
know, but it will work.
Professional and college play
ers have been using grunt coding
on the field for decades to indi
cate their displeasure with oppo
nents, referees and fans.
Simply gather your people
together, decide on a dorm
grunt, practice it and then at pre
determined times in the evening
stroll around grunting and count
up how many grunt responses
you receive.
Your problem is solved.
Couldn’t you have figured
that out for yourself?
I think there’s space for one
more letter. Make it snappy.
Dear Uncle Leonard,
I can’t think of a better day of
the year to blow off a witch of a
girlfriend than Halloween.
What’s a good seasonal line I
could use?
Signed, Bart
Dear Barf,
How about:
“Trick-or-treat, smell my feet,
used to think you were real neat.
Sink-or-swim, I know about
him, I’m tired of being a second-
thought whim.
Touch-and-go, winds will
blow, find another Romeo.”
That ought to hold her for a
year or two.
Have yourself a great Hallo
ween and look for Uncle
Leonard at your Halloween
party.
- by Tony Cornett
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