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About The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current | View Entire Issue (Oct. 31, 1986)
10 HI MVkJ ^ ‘ (. Jta VPVW.') \ '■ il lM aM'V ‘/Sz^ao otS o\ aouc\-\z> 1 =» vm j~ ; »i\ivv s < >\v^i>c \ \jvvvw jjo . >v\>i-vi i ^ \.x i \ «»»vi Sj.s»cvt>\oQ vi;>/^it> \\v>\ n’v^l \ p>3uj\\j 51141 ui av>15 aunc--{ aadij-j Once again, it is I, Uncle Leonard. I know, I know, you thought that Uncle Leonard was the sick creation of a couple of weeks ago who would never again offer advice to those who do battle on the four fronts of dating and re lationship warfare. (They’re cal led relationships nowadays be cause nobody goes steady any more. Pity.) You thought Uncle Leonard was something akin to a cheap, one-night stand — heave ho and you're outta there. Bull. Tell that to the hunchbacked postal gnomes I’ve had to hire to drag the bushel baskets of can celled postage — that you peo ple are writing — into my clut tered area here at At Ease. I had no idea that there was that great a need for an advice columnist. Why, you people have got some real serious troubles when it comes to knowing how to deal with a love spat. Hey, I shouldn’t have to do this. I’ve got enough troubles of my own without having to take time out to save you people from yourselves. If you would just apply some simple rules to your everyday perusal of the opposite sex, you wouldn’t find yourself stuck with somebody who’s going to give you the ultimate Uncle Leonard commode-flushing blow-off. I’m speaking, of course, of the soul-damning line, “Gee whiz, so-and-so,! really like you a lot and everything, but I think we should date other people.” Man, that’s the worst. And with Halloween and trick-or-treat coming up tonight, I’m worried sick about those of you who’ve sent letters since the last Uncle Leonard column. Jeez, use your heads for something other than just empty fishbowls to hang your Hallo ween masks on. Some of you are probably going to ignore all of this great Halloween advice I’m fixing to lay on you. And that’s fine because you’ll be the ones who disappear from the party tonight with the mum my, only to discover a big scare tomorrow morning when you realize that the person really does have green wrinkly skin and yellow teeth. Dear Uncle Leonard, I’m in this sorority, and me and some of my sisters are going to this big Halloween bash tonight at one of the fraternity houses. Frankly, I’m a little wor ried that things are going to get ... , , ~~ out 01 hand because my ex boyfriend and my current boyf riend are in that same frat. What should I do if those guys start acting weird? Signed, Missy Dear Misty, Have you lost your mind? Hey, you don’t ever date some body in a sphere where you have to operate everyday. You blew it not once, but twice. You should have found your self a nice cadet to date and this never would have happened. So what if you wouldn’t have any thing in common? Remember that all party situa tions are volatile and the pre sence of old flames does nothing to diminish the possibility of a brawl. As for those two guys who’ll be there, I suggest that you tease the hell out of both of them and then watch’em fight to the death for your hand. Besides, the en tertainment value of watching two frat daddies try to duke it out while not messing up their hair is just too great. Dear Uncle Leonard, • I’m a pretty average guy, I guess, and I think what I have is a pretty average problem. Here it is, another holiday, and I’m spending it alone spend almost every holiday, ex cept for Christmas, alone. I was counting on this Hallo ween turning up some kind of Smurf-type girl who would fulfill my ghoulish fantasies. Got any last-minute suggestions? Signed, Orville Dear Oscar, Man, you’re sick. I hope you’re not planning to be hand ing out candy tonight. No won der you spend your holidays alone. You don’t deserve a Smurf-type girl. You deserve to be victimized by some large girl dressed as a vampire. But for you, Oscar, she’d be the perfect one. Get outta here. You’re dis gusting. Dear Uncle Leonard, I’m the coordinator for a Hal loween party that my mom’s throwing for all of the nice girls in my dorm (who can afford the $25 cover charge) and I’ve got a problem. The trouble is that I won’t possibly be able to monitor the location of all of our freshman women at the party because there’s just too many of them and they’ll all be wearing cos tumes. As a senior, I feel it’s my re sponsibility to see to it that none of the women in my dorm dis appear with unsavory characters (my mother unwittingly invited the Motorcycle Dogs from Hell). How can I keep up with them? Signed, Melanie Dear Melody, I’m glad that somebody out there is trying to save our more impressionable women from guys who walk around at Hallo ween parties with Snickers bars and say, “Hey girlie, want some candy?” I suggest that to verify that all of your freshman are there at the party and safe, you use an old National Football League trick and devise a system of code grunts. It sounds a bit primitive I know, but it will work. Professional and college play ers have been using grunt coding on the field for decades to indi cate their displeasure with oppo nents, referees and fans. Simply gather your people together, decide on a dorm grunt, practice it and then at pre determined times in the evening stroll around grunting and count up how many grunt responses you receive. Your problem is solved. Couldn’t you have figured that out for yourself? I think there’s space for one more letter. Make it snappy. Dear Uncle Leonard, I can’t think of a better day of the year to blow off a witch of a girlfriend than Halloween. What’s a good seasonal line I could use? Signed, Bart Dear Barf, How about: “Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, used to think you were real neat. Sink-or-swim, I know about him, I’m tired of being a second- thought whim. Touch-and-go, winds will blow, find another Romeo.” That ought to hold her for a year or two. Have yourself a great Hallo ween and look for Uncle Leonard at your Halloween party. - by Tony Cornett . v v. ..V'\ .Vi.,V> . J iWi i’i’i'iVsV