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About The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 6, 1985)
SM3IAdd QdO^dd \ArrMr»-v T ( .HNSON Movie Reviewer King Solomon's Mines Starring: Richard Chamberlain, Sharon Stone Director: lay Lee Thompson * "King Solomon’s Mines," at first glance to us baby-boomers, seems a feeble parody of "Raiders of The Lost Ark." But actually, "Raiders" was loosely based on the original "King Solomon's Mines." First filmed in Great Britain in 1938, it was remade in the U.S. in 1950, with Stewart Grainger and Deborah Kerr. This year's version is yet another remake of this time-honored film. Frankly, I don't know why they bothered. With Spielberg's Aca demy award winning adaption (and "prequel") fresh in our minds, the time is certainly not right. The movie might have been toler able il the parody had been intentio nal, ' but alas, this one wins sweepstakes for worst picture. It's not just bad, it's embarrassing. 1 felt sorry for these people's mothers. Surprisingly, Richard Chamber lain is smack-dab in the middle of this fiasco. But we don't go very far into the jungle with his character, adventurer Allan Quartermain, be fore discovering that his one-liner delivery is limper than Tarzan when Jane's not around. His humor is han dled with the aplomb of an orangu tan. It's as if he only said the lines because they were in the script, not because he was enjoying himself. Which is precisely that quintessen tial ingredient that lets Harrison Ford pull them off with such zing. No, Richard, we're not laughing with you — we're laughing at you. This aspect was the only thing keeping people in the theater once the movie began. We wanted to see how bad it got — and it got bad. The "Raiders" similarity began at tbe beginning. We see an adven turer-type with a group of natives and a whmy blond plundering through the jungle. Then we switch to an old scholarly-type with his tur- baned assistant and a big Turkish- looking guy. An archeologist, of course, looking at a small statue with Canaanite heiroglyphics on its tummy. These turn out to be a map to King Solomon's mines, where, legend has it, King Solomon stored his gold,'diamonds and riches. The tummy of this statue is a fertile plain that lies just south of a pair of moun tains (the statue's breasts) that hold the treasure beneath them. We soon learn that the Turk is a bad guy, in cahoots with the Nazi's and interested in getting to King So lomon's mines first to exploit the wealth. The blond is the archeolog ist's daughter, an Iowa college stu dent who has hired Quartermain to help her find her father. This girl is blond to the core. She can't act and is neither charming nor beautiful. SYie's always messing livings up by not doing what she's told, but some how her breathless sighs of "Oh, Quartermain" win the adventurer's heart. The movie tracks Quar termain and the girl through the jun gles of Africa to get to the mines be fore the Turk and the Nazi's. The special effects budget must have been non-existent. In one scene Quartermain and companion are ceremoniously dumped into a cannibal's pot, about to become the protein portion in the vegetable soup. The obviously plastic toma toes, corn, lettuce, etc. floating around them lend a comic air to the meal. As they venture on toward the treasure they come across another hostile tribe whose leader looks sus piciously like Tina Turner from the back — wait 'til she turns around. The joke is on us when they finally get their first glimpse of the long- awaited twin-peaks — two earthen boob-shaped mountains, complete with nippies — get real. O mtwd&i RATING KEY ***** = Excellent ★★** = Good ★** = Fair ** = Poor * = Forget it AFTER HOURS (R): Martin Scorcese's weird com edy returns. Saturday and Sunday nights only. Schulman 6. KRUSH GROOVE (R): It's the city beat of the city streets, with music from Sheila’E., The Fat Boys, Run-DMC. ★★Schulman6. royd team up as bumbling spies in this comedy about international inuigue. Post Oak Mall. BACK TO THE FUTURE (R): Michael J. Fox, (TV's "Family Ties") stars in this time-traveling comedy. ★★★*★ Cinema 3. EASTWOOD FESTIVAL (R): Clint Eastwood is De tective Harry Callahan in Sudden Impact, a different detective in Tightrope and Cal lahan again in Dirty Harry. Aggie Cinema, Friday, 7:30, 9:45, and midnight (respec tively), Rudder Theater. GREMLINS (PG): Cute little fuzzy beasts accidently multiply and mutate into mean little fuzzy beasts in a small town at Christmast time. Aggie Cinema and Cepheid Variable, Sat urday, 7:30 and 9:45. *★* Rudder Theater. JAGGED EDGE (R): A mystery-thriller starring Glenn Close and Jeff Bridges. ★★★*★ Plaza 3. JOURNEY OF NATTY GANN (PG): A Walt Dis ney film about a girl who is separated from her father and travels across the country's wilderness with a befriended wolf to find him. Manor East III. KING SOLOMON'S MINES (PG-I3): Richard Chamberlain stars in this unintended farce of "Raiders of the Los : Ark." * Cinema 3. KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN (PG): A flamboy ant homosexual (William Hurt) and a bearded revolutionary (Raul Julia) share a gloomy prison cell. Schulman 6. NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE (R): The saga continues. The first one was supposedly one of the bet ter horror movies. Schulman 6. ONCE BITTEN (PG-13): A comedy about a teen- aged boy who discovers his one-night stand is a woman who has been around for cemuries. Manor East HI. ONE MAGIC CHRISTMAS (G): A Walt Disney film about a mother raising two children on her own who tries to show them the real meaning of Christmas. Post Oak Mall. RAINBOW BRITE AND THE STAR STEALER (G): Rainbow Brite is the heroine fighting against the villain Star Stealer, who is stealing all the suns. An imated feature. Saturday and Sunday mat inee only. Schulman 6. RETURN OF THE SOLDIER (R): A man comes home from war to three women. Does he or doesn't he have amnesia? Schulman 6. ROCKY IV (PG-13): Predictable. Bu: irresistable if you're a Rocky fan. ★★★ Post Oak Mall. SANTA CLAUS — THE MOVIE (PG): Dudley Moore is an elf, full of elf-confidence and elf-assurance, in this adorable movie abou: San a Claus. ★★★ Manor East HI. SPIES LIKE US (PG): Chevy Chase and Dan Ak- STREETS OF FIRE (PG): A superstar rock singer is kidnapped by a motorcycle gang in this rock 'n' roll fable that combines '50s and '80s styles in a future setting. Aggie Cinema, Saturday, midnight, Rudder Theater. TARGET (R): Gene Hackman and Matt Dillon star in this mystery movie about a father and son who don't really know each other until they team up to rescue their kidnapped wife/mother. ★★★★★ Plaza 3. THE STUFF (R): "The Stuff" is a delicious new food, it lurks in the refrigerator, and it's a deadly menace. A horror/comedy. Schulman 6. TREES OF WOODEN CLOGS (UNRATED): An Italian.film about a peasant faipily forced to leave (|ieir home. Focuses on ^fmple, natu ral aspects of peasan: farm life in turn of the centu^t Lombardy. AwardedJSrand Prize at Canines in 1978. Aggie Cinepia, Sunday, 7:30,-Redder Theater. WHITE NIG||I5 (K): Mikhail Baryshj®ov stars as a d^f^jbd Russian ballet daficer whose plapwipbsh-lands in Russia, where he is still ©ordered a criminal. Baryshnikov's agrris perfect, though ^seems tor- " 'PiiGregory Hines and ] star as a couple | him. ★★★★★ Cmem| YOUNG S0&CK HOLMES (PC Spi^t^gs affectionate spec wl^tv-cnight have happened^ ani| W#$pn met during their goUf Plazd3. WM m bella Ros- signed to : Stephen ion about Holmes 3 years.