Page 2/The Battalion/Friday, October 18, 1985
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Opinion
Unclogging the mystery of the missing sock
Laundry.
One of the most
gruesome, tedious
and time-con
suming chores
known to man.
Laundry, like can
cer, is something
we have to live
with. Laundry,
like cancer, is Pollmeyer
something that ■.■■■■■■ i— —
must be taken care of soon, otherwise it
will grow and grow and GROW and
GROW until it’s nothing but an ugly,
misshapen mass. Laundry must be dealt
with before it takes on a life of its own.
To do one’s laundry one must be pre
pared. To do laundry you need four
things: dirty clothes, money, detergent,
a washing machine and a dryer. Finding
dirty clothes is no problem since most
people have an overabundance of this
commodity. Money, as always, is a prob
lem. The biggest problem is that most
washing machines and dryers only take
change and having the exact change in
the exact amount takes an inordinate
amount of luck. Detergent poses a prob
lem because you always seem to be run
ning out.
But the biggest problem is finding a
washing machine and dryer.
Most people do their wash on Sun
days. Most people don’t have time to do
their wash during the week, and Satur
days are usually reserved for more en
tertaining prospects. With so many peo-
le doing their wash on Sundays it
ecomes nearly impossible to find a
washing machine or a dryer. To get a
washing machine or dryer on a Sunday
you have to get up pretty early.
Last Sunday, like most Sundays, I got
up pretty early so that I could beat the
- after-church crowd to the washing ma-
chines^nd dryers. I was lucky, there was
no one except a repair man working on
one of the dryers.
I put my clothes in the washing ma
chine, poured in the last of my deter-
ent and sat down to wait while the suds
id their stuff. Since I couldn’t do much
else until my laundry was done, 1 struck
up a conversation with the repair man.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m fixing the dryer,” he replied.
“What’s wrong with it.”
“The Alpheratz Specialized Sock
Sucker is stopped up.”
“The what?”
“The Alpheratz Specialized Sock
Sucker, it’s a marvelous invention,” he
said as he pointed to a box with a tube
that led into the drum of the dryer.
“What, I’m almost afraid to ask, does
it do?”
“You know how almost everytime you
do your laundry you lose a sock? Well,
this is the reason. The primary function
of this device is to suck one of your socks
out of your laundry, but it does other
things too.”
“Like what?”
“Well, once someone else puts his
laundry in the dryer, it will deposit your
sock with his load.”
“That explains where 1 got that pur
ple and pink striped sock last week.”
“Yes, the Alpheratz Specialized Sock
Sucker is good at finding the most taste
less items of apparel in the state. It's de
signed so that you never get anything
you would be caught dead in.”
“Is it possible to get one of the socks
you lost earlier?”
“Yes, but it wouldn’t do you any
good. Mr. Alpheratz made sure that
you would never get anything useful
out of a dryer. The only way you could
get one of your own socks back is if you
throw the other one away. The Alphe
ratz company has installed devices in all
the trash dumpsters across the state to
scan for old socks.”
“Who is this Alpheratz dude any
way?”
“Fred J. Alpheratz, the most in
genious inventor since Thomas Edison.
He’s the man who invented those blow
dryers that have replaced paper towels
in most public restrooms. He s the man
who invented the people-proof lids for
aspirin bottle that only kids can open.
He’s the man who invented both MTV
and The Nashville Network. He’s the
man who invented ‘People’s Court’. He’s
the man who invented those speed
bumps in parking lots that ruin your
front-end suspension if you drive faster
than SVi mph. He’s the man who in
vented the machine that puts more than
300 subscription cards in every text
book you buy. He’s the man thatii
ventea the new Coca-Cola. He’s then®
who invented Swatches, we’reslil!
laughing about that one backattheoi
ce.”
I watched with interest as he pulltJ
about two dozen of the most strangi
and grotesque socks I’ve ever seenoutoi
the Alpheratz Specialized SockSucbi
tube. Then he pulled out a small com
puter chip out of his tool kit and b
stalled it in the Alpheratz Specialized
Sock Sucker’s control box.
“What’s that for?” 1 asked.
“That’s the Alpheratz Embarrassinj
Situation Creator,” he chuckled. “Mr.
Alpherat/’s newest invention.”
What, pray tell, does it do?”
“It scans for sexy female underw
merits and sucks them out of the km
“What’s so embarrassing about that?'
“Well, it waits until some couplet
doing their wash together and then dt
posits the negligee, bra or whateverintt
their load. Without fail, the wifi
screams ‘w here the hell did this com
from’ and the husband can’t comnj
with a logical answer.”
“Sounds like fun."
“It is. You should watch Mr. Alpb
ratz’s favorite show sometime, it’s called
‘Divorce Court.’”
Karl Pallmeyer is a senior jounolw
major and a columnist for The Bittil
ion.
Terrorism made easy
The Italian and Yugoslavian governments are throwing
away America’s First chance to prosecute some of the people re
sponsible for the recent wave of international terrorism. They
are allowing these terrorists to get away with murder. They have
allowed politics to take precedent over law.
The Italians released Mohammed Abbas, the alleged engi
neer of the Achille Lauro hijacking, despite the considerable evi
dence of his guilt. Italian Prime Minister Bettino Craxi Thurs
day assured the United States that Abbas and his accomplices
would be held for trial. A U.S.-Italian agreement puts a legal ob
ligation Italy to detain anyone sought by the United States until
Italian courts can render a decision.
Italy’s reasoning was probably based on internal political
strife and diplomatic pressure applied by Egypt rather than le
gal justification. The release had no legal reasoning — it was or
dered by the government.
Italian and American law holds leaders of terrorists groups
responsible for the actions of their organizations. Yet Italy freed
Aboas and retained his lackeys. This is just a shadow of the jus
tice Americans — and everyone else involved in the Achille
Laur6 incident — deserve.
Abbas, now believed to be in Yugoslavia, has been granted
diplomatic immunity by that country because it officially recog
nizes the Palestine Liberation Organization, which Abbas is affil
iated with. Recognition does not automatically guarantee diplo
matic immunity. By sheltering Abbas, Yugoslavia is denying
justice to the victims of the terrorist attack.
In a self-centered submission to political pressure, the gov
ernments of Italy and Yugoslavia have struck a fatal blow to
dealing with terrorism through legal means. Justice demands
that terrorists be prosecuted despite detrimental effects to a
country’s political and diplomatic needs.
America will find it difficult to ‘'get tough on terrorism”
when our supposed allies are aiding the people we need to get
tough on. With friends like these, who needs terrorists?
The Battalion Editorial Board
U The w
Flush and pay the European wq
I was fortunate
enough to spend ;
most of this past Mike Cramer
summer traveling Guest Columnist
through Europe. Be- ■ -
fore crossing the At
lantic, I had heard that many Euro
peans treat American tourists with
disrespect, seeing us as greedy and self-
centered. Initially, I thought this anti-
American attitude might be due to our
high standard of living, our inability to
speak a language other than English or
some other issue of similar magnitude.
As my travels began, I spent many a
gut-wrenching hour pondering this is
sue when it suddenly hit me — the Eu
ropeans resentful attitude towards
Americans is not due to economics or
politics, it is due to public bathrooms.
The first two overseas public bath
rooms that I used were located at Gat-
wick Airport and Victoria Station in
London. At both places, the urinals
were free, but the toilet stalls required
money for their use. I remember think
ing to myself, “I’m glad I’m not a
woman, and I’m glad I only have to do
number 1.” Otherwise, I really did not
take notice. If I would have realized that
this was really a European bargain, I
would also have done number 2. My trip
had only progressed a few days bef ore I
figured out that free bathrooms appear
in Europe like Texas A&M in the Cot
ton Bowl, but I was optimistic.
Now, there are a lot of things in this
world that I will pay for without a sec
ond thought (and do not read anything
in that statement that is not there).
However, if there is one thing in this
world that ought to be free, it is reliev
ing one’s self in a facility with adequate
plumbing. It’s not that the cost is going
to break me. Shoot, if I did number 1
and opted not to wash my hands, I
i could get away for about three cents.
But what happens if I do not have the
proper change or if I have no money at
all? Well I would say I’m up a nasty
creek. Such a situation could put some
one in such a frenzied state, it scares me
to think what might happen. Free public
bathrooms are good for everyone.
So I resigned myself to the fact that
public bathrooms were not going to be
free. Worse still, I am an avid batnroom-
user, and I feel good when I am fin
ished using one.
I decided to turn this adversity into a
game, because I like games. Mike vs. Eu
rope. I tried to hold it in until I got back
to the hotel at night. Needless to say,
Europe beat me, but I did not give up
easily. There were days when tears
formed in my eyes, I had to go so bad.
Sometimes the hotel was within sight,
but, more often, I broke down and paid.
Entering public bathrooms feeling
defeated, I had no idea of the surprises
that were ahead of me. First, there was
the free-standing, self-contained pay
toilet in France. It looked like a port-o-
let from the 21st century. A space shut
tle looking thing.
The appearance was impressive
enough, but when I put my money in, I
knew I was getting the best. The semi
circular door slowly revolves open, re
vealing a clean, sparkling white toilet.
Then, a pleasant, relaxing sort of music
begins playing to make the whole expe
rience that much more enjoyable. And it
was, except for the fact that I could not
decipher the flushing mechanism. Be
ing an engineer, I felt embarrassed by
this French toilet.
Then there was the one where I paid
a female attendant the proper fee. She
kindly escorted me to the toilet. And
stayed. I’ll be darned if she didn’t wait
outside the stall for me to finish. I real
ize that Europe is a liberal continent, but
this was too much. I feel the toilet rep
resents the ultimate in privacy, and I
should be able to use it alone.
In Germany, I was the victim of what
I will call commodal discrimination. I
gleefully entered and used what ap
peared to be one of the few free Euro
pean public bathrooms. On the way out,
I was confronted by an attendant, who
made it rather clear that this was not a
free bathroom. Dejected, I reached into
my pocket to pay for services ref I
dered. At this time, a German AI
also had used the bathroom exild I
and said a pleasant “good-bye”totk I
attendant. That's right, he did im I
pay a thing!
After these frustrating encounteis I
you can imagine my incrediblejf I
when I paid 500 lire at a Venicetraul
station and experienced an electron* I
bathroom. I expect a lot for5(p|
anything, and 1 was not disappoiotti I
I finished using the urinal, itflustiei I
I put my hands under the faucet,
ter cames out. 1 put my handsel
the blow drier, hot air cames out b I
credible stuff! This was an except** 1 1
to the norm.
We have a lot to be thankful fork'I
ing in the United States. Wehavetkj
free enterprise system, democrat* I
government and the Bill of Ri# 1 1
but free public bathrooms are risW I
there. Other countries only <Wl
about them. Is this a great country 1 * I
what?
Mike Cramer is a senior bio-tnt I
neering major.
^
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