Page 2/The Battalion/Friday, October 18, 1985 J i. ■ ..... .... . || i .. — , Opinion Unclogging the mystery of the missing sock Laundry. One of the most gruesome, tedious and time-con suming chores known to man. Laundry, like can cer, is something we have to live with. Laundry, like cancer, is Pollmeyer something that ■.■■■■■■ i— — must be taken care of soon, otherwise it will grow and grow and GROW and GROW until it’s nothing but an ugly, misshapen mass. Laundry must be dealt with before it takes on a life of its own. To do one’s laundry one must be pre pared. To do laundry you need four things: dirty clothes, money, detergent, a washing machine and a dryer. Finding dirty clothes is no problem since most people have an overabundance of this commodity. Money, as always, is a prob lem. The biggest problem is that most washing machines and dryers only take change and having the exact change in the exact amount takes an inordinate amount of luck. Detergent poses a prob lem because you always seem to be run ning out. But the biggest problem is finding a washing machine and dryer. Most people do their wash on Sun days. Most people don’t have time to do their wash during the week, and Satur days are usually reserved for more en tertaining prospects. With so many peo- le doing their wash on Sundays it ecomes nearly impossible to find a washing machine or a dryer. To get a washing machine or dryer on a Sunday you have to get up pretty early. Last Sunday, like most Sundays, I got up pretty early so that I could beat the - after-church crowd to the washing ma- chines^nd dryers. I was lucky, there was no one except a repair man working on one of the dryers. I put my clothes in the washing ma chine, poured in the last of my deter- ent and sat down to wait while the suds id their stuff. Since I couldn’t do much else until my laundry was done, 1 struck up a conversation with the repair man. “What are you doing?” I asked. “I’m fixing the dryer,” he replied. “What’s wrong with it.” “The Alpheratz Specialized Sock Sucker is stopped up.” “The what?” “The Alpheratz Specialized Sock Sucker, it’s a marvelous invention,” he said as he pointed to a box with a tube that led into the drum of the dryer. “What, I’m almost afraid to ask, does it do?” “You know how almost everytime you do your laundry you lose a sock? Well, this is the reason. The primary function of this device is to suck one of your socks out of your laundry, but it does other things too.” “Like what?” “Well, once someone else puts his laundry in the dryer, it will deposit your sock with his load.” “That explains where 1 got that pur ple and pink striped sock last week.” “Yes, the Alpheratz Specialized Sock Sucker is good at finding the most taste less items of apparel in the state. It's de signed so that you never get anything you would be caught dead in.” “Is it possible to get one of the socks you lost earlier?” “Yes, but it wouldn’t do you any good. Mr. Alpheratz made sure that you would never get anything useful out of a dryer. The only way you could get one of your own socks back is if you throw the other one away. The Alphe ratz company has installed devices in all the trash dumpsters across the state to scan for old socks.” “Who is this Alpheratz dude any way?” “Fred J. Alpheratz, the most in genious inventor since Thomas Edison. He’s the man who invented those blow dryers that have replaced paper towels in most public restrooms. He s the man who invented the people-proof lids for aspirin bottle that only kids can open. He’s the man who invented both MTV and The Nashville Network. He’s the man who invented ‘People’s Court’. He’s the man who invented those speed bumps in parking lots that ruin your front-end suspension if you drive faster than SVi mph. He’s the man who in vented the machine that puts more than 300 subscription cards in every text book you buy. He’s the man thatii ventea the new Coca-Cola. He’s then® who invented Swatches, we’reslil! laughing about that one backattheoi ce.” I watched with interest as he pulltJ about two dozen of the most strangi and grotesque socks I’ve ever seenoutoi the Alpheratz Specialized SockSucbi tube. Then he pulled out a small com puter chip out of his tool kit and b stalled it in the Alpheratz Specialized Sock Sucker’s control box. “What’s that for?” 1 asked. “That’s the Alpheratz Embarrassinj Situation Creator,” he chuckled. “Mr. Alpherat/’s newest invention.” What, pray tell, does it do?” “It scans for sexy female underw merits and sucks them out of the km “What’s so embarrassing about that?' “Well, it waits until some couplet doing their wash together and then dt posits the negligee, bra or whateverintt their load. Without fail, the wifi screams ‘w here the hell did this com from’ and the husband can’t comnj with a logical answer.” “Sounds like fun." “It is. You should watch Mr. Alpb ratz’s favorite show sometime, it’s called ‘Divorce Court.’” Karl Pallmeyer is a senior jounolw major and a columnist for The Bittil ion. Terrorism made easy The Italian and Yugoslavian governments are throwing away America’s First chance to prosecute some of the people re sponsible for the recent wave of international terrorism. They are allowing these terrorists to get away with murder. They have allowed politics to take precedent over law. The Italians released Mohammed Abbas, the alleged engi neer of the Achille Lauro hijacking, despite the considerable evi dence of his guilt. Italian Prime Minister Bettino Craxi Thurs day assured the United States that Abbas and his accomplices would be held for trial. A U.S.-Italian agreement puts a legal ob ligation Italy to detain anyone sought by the United States until Italian courts can render a decision. Italy’s reasoning was probably based on internal political strife and diplomatic pressure applied by Egypt rather than le gal justification. The release had no legal reasoning — it was or dered by the government. Italian and American law holds leaders of terrorists groups responsible for the actions of their organizations. Yet Italy freed Aboas and retained his lackeys. This is just a shadow of the jus tice Americans — and everyone else involved in the Achille Laur6 incident — deserve. Abbas, now believed to be in Yugoslavia, has been granted diplomatic immunity by that country because it officially recog nizes the Palestine Liberation Organization, which Abbas is affil iated with. Recognition does not automatically guarantee diplo matic immunity. By sheltering Abbas, Yugoslavia is denying justice to the victims of the terrorist attack. In a self-centered submission to political pressure, the gov ernments of Italy and Yugoslavia have struck a fatal blow to dealing with terrorism through legal means. Justice demands that terrorists be prosecuted despite detrimental effects to a country’s political and diplomatic needs. America will find it difficult to ‘'get tough on terrorism” when our supposed allies are aiding the people we need to get tough on. With friends like these, who needs terrorists? The Battalion Editorial Board U The w Flush and pay the European wq I was fortunate enough to spend ; most of this past Mike Cramer summer traveling Guest Columnist through Europe. Be- ■ - fore crossing the At lantic, I had heard that many Euro peans treat American tourists with disrespect, seeing us as greedy and self- centered. Initially, I thought this anti- American attitude might be due to our high standard of living, our inability to speak a language other than English or some other issue of similar magnitude. As my travels began, I spent many a gut-wrenching hour pondering this is sue when it suddenly hit me — the Eu ropeans resentful attitude towards Americans is not due to economics or politics, it is due to public bathrooms. The first two overseas public bath rooms that I used were located at Gat- wick Airport and Victoria Station in London. At both places, the urinals were free, but the toilet stalls required money for their use. I remember think ing to myself, “I’m glad I’m not a woman, and I’m glad I only have to do number 1.” Otherwise, I really did not take notice. If I would have realized that this was really a European bargain, I would also have done number 2. My trip had only progressed a few days bef ore I figured out that free bathrooms appear in Europe like Texas A&M in the Cot ton Bowl, but I was optimistic. Now, there are a lot of things in this world that I will pay for without a sec ond thought (and do not read anything in that statement that is not there). However, if there is one thing in this world that ought to be free, it is reliev ing one’s self in a facility with adequate plumbing. It’s not that the cost is going to break me. Shoot, if I did number 1 and opted not to wash my hands, I i could get away for about three cents. But what happens if I do not have the proper change or if I have no money at all? Well I would say I’m up a nasty creek. Such a situation could put some one in such a frenzied state, it scares me to think what might happen. Free public bathrooms are good for everyone. So I resigned myself to the fact that public bathrooms were not going to be free. Worse still, I am an avid batnroom- user, and I feel good when I am fin ished using one. I decided to turn this adversity into a game, because I like games. Mike vs. Eu rope. I tried to hold it in until I got back to the hotel at night. Needless to say, Europe beat me, but I did not give up easily. There were days when tears formed in my eyes, I had to go so bad. Sometimes the hotel was within sight, but, more often, I broke down and paid. Entering public bathrooms feeling defeated, I had no idea of the surprises that were ahead of me. First, there was the free-standing, self-contained pay toilet in France. It looked like a port-o- let from the 21st century. A space shut tle looking thing. The appearance was impressive enough, but when I put my money in, I knew I was getting the best. The semi circular door slowly revolves open, re vealing a clean, sparkling white toilet. Then, a pleasant, relaxing sort of music begins playing to make the whole expe rience that much more enjoyable. And it was, except for the fact that I could not decipher the flushing mechanism. Be ing an engineer, I felt embarrassed by this French toilet. Then there was the one where I paid a female attendant the proper fee. She kindly escorted me to the toilet. And stayed. I’ll be darned if she didn’t wait outside the stall for me to finish. I real ize that Europe is a liberal continent, but this was too much. I feel the toilet rep resents the ultimate in privacy, and I should be able to use it alone. In Germany, I was the victim of what I will call commodal discrimination. I gleefully entered and used what ap peared to be one of the few free Euro pean public bathrooms. On the way out, I was confronted by an attendant, who made it rather clear that this was not a free bathroom. Dejected, I reached into my pocket to pay for services ref I dered. At this time, a German AI also had used the bathroom exild I and said a pleasant “good-bye”totk I attendant. That's right, he did im I pay a thing! After these frustrating encounteis I you can imagine my incrediblejf I when I paid 500 lire at a Venicetraul station and experienced an electron* I bathroom. I expect a lot for5(p| anything, and 1 was not disappoiotti I I finished using the urinal, itflustiei I I put my hands under the faucet, ter cames out. 1 put my handsel the blow drier, hot air cames out b I credible stuff! This was an except** 1 1 to the norm. We have a lot to be thankful fork'I ing in the United States. Wehavetkj free enterprise system, democrat* I government and the Bill of Ri# 1 1 but free public bathrooms are risW I there. Other countries only