Page 2/The Battalion/Friday, March 1, 1985
OPINION
Space burial, when done
properly, can be expensive
By ART BUCHWALD
Columnist for The Los Angeles Times Syndicate
Attention, earthlings. It won’t be long
before yon can “bury” your loved ones
in outer space. Deke Slayton, a former
astroiy t, b working in tandem with a
consoVuiim of companies that will orbit
the ashes of a deceased person 1,900
miles above the earth. Funeral services
should begin in late 1986.
The Department of Transportation
has enthusiastically approved the plan
and said “it represents a creative re
sponse to the president’s initiative to en
courage the commercial use of space.”
As I understand it, the remains of
your Uncle Sidney will be compressed
by a secret process in a special two-inch
tall, lipstick-shaped titanium capsule,
which will then be placed into a 300-
pound shiny sphexe, along with the
ashes of 10,330 of the recently de
parted. The sphere will be launched
into the heavens where it’s guaranteed
to remain in orbit for at least 63 million
year s, or you get your money back.
While Mr. Slayton’s consortium will
provide the rocket and,the capsule, they
prefer to leave actual sales and arrange
ments to funeral directors and under
takers around the country.
This might lead to some problems.
“Please have a chair.”
“Thank you. I would like to cremate
my Uncle Sidney and put him in celes
tial orbit.”
“You’re in luck. We have a launch in
one month, and we can reserve a place
for him.”
“Wonderful. I noticed in your adver-
tisment that the price for the service was
$3,900.”
“That’s the base cost just to get him
up there. Did you love your Uncle Sid
ney?”
“Very much.”
“Then I wouldn’t advise you to put
his ashes in the standard titanium cap
sule.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not supposed to tell you this, but
although the containers are advertised
to last for 65 million years, some of
them fall apart after 30 million. You
wouldn’t want your uncle’s ashes all
over the sky, would you?”
“I guess not.”
“Then I’d recommend this upgraded
‘From Here to Eternity’ model. Notice
the outside is twice as strong as titanium,
and the inside is lined with French sa
tin.”
“How much is it?”
“It’s only $900 more, but if you insist
on the cheap, tacky one, I’m suxe your
uncle would understand.”
“No no. I’ll take the ‘From Here to
Eternity’ capsule. Will that do it?”
“There is the placement of the ash
container in the sphere. I assume you
would want your Uncle Sidney as close
to the skin as possible, facing toward the
earth.”
“Certainly.”
“Then there is a premium charge of
$600, to guarantee his ashes won’t be
thrown in the middle with all the econ
omy class passengexs. Will you want to
bid a fond adieu to your loved one as he
is launched into space?”
“Of course.”
“We can give you a package tour to
Cape Canaveral with complimentary
breakfast before liftoff, at a group rate
of $ 1,500 per person.”
“Sending Uncle Sidney up into orbit
is costing me more than I planned on.”
“But it’s worth it. Every time you look
up to the heavens, you will see your Un
cle Sidney and know he is smiling down
on you because you booked him First
class.”
LETTERS:
University wrong
in Zentgraf case
EDITOR:
To Aggies everywhere:
Isn’t it about time to acknowledge
that the University is wrong in the Zent
graf case?
Even if, through some quirk of fate or
law, the University can successfully ap
peal the decision, ZentgraFs position is
basically correct: It’s illegal for a state in
stitution, funded by state money, to
keep people from participating in its or
ganizations because they’re female.
And the sooner we all wake up and
realize that, the better off we’ll be.
We’ll be better off because we’ll be de
ciding who gets into the Ross Volun
teers, the Aggie Band, the color guards,
not some federal judge’s quotas. If the
Ross Volunteers were smart, they’d in
duct a woman as soon as possible. If
they don’t, they might have to later, and
the resistance to that involuntary
change will be far worse.
We’ll be better off because recruiters
visiting our campus will quit concerning
themselves with questions about women
in the band. Instead, they’ll have time to
concentrate on job candidates and their
qualiFxcations.
We’ll be better off because we’ll pre
sent a far more tolerant, enlightened,
educated image to the rest of the world.
We’ll be better off because Firms con
sidering gifts to the University can ask
questions about the A&M’s merits, not
its embarrassments.
And we’ll be better off because we’ll
stop spending valuable time, energy and
money on the frivolous defense of a
principle that is inconsistent with the in
tent of our laws.
I’m a former cadet, as steeped in Ag
gie tradition and lore as anyone else,
and it pains me just as much to write this
as it does many of you to read it-. I don’t
like the idea of women in the band or
the RVs. But when we allow our desires
to take precedence over reason and law,
we allow prejudice to rule our actions.
I’m also a realist. I’m enough of a
x ealist to know that sex-integrated units
do work at the service academies and in
the services. I’m enough of a realist to
know that the real issue at A&M isn’t
practicality, or even whether women
would look right marching on Kyle
Field; it’s tradition. We say women in
the band won’t work because we don’t
want it to work, not because there’s any
inherent barrier that keeps it from
working. And I’m enough of a realist to
know that even if the University wins
the battle, it will lose the war of image at
a time when A&M is trying so hard to
present itself as an enlightened, first-
class institution.
A&M didn’t go to hell when the
Corps became voluntary. A&M didn’t
go to hell when women entered the
Corps. Nor did A&M go to hell when
(gasp) women started wearing boots.
It’s pretty safe to assume that A&M
won’t go to hell when women march on
Kyle Field with the Aggie Band. Inevi
tably, they will.
Dillard Stone, Jr. ’80
Pageant contestants
didn’t fake results
EDITOR:
Dear Editor and Ms. Catherine
Campbell:
This letter is one in response to your
article of February 25‘, 1985, “Delusions
of Illusions.” At first when I noticed the
pictures of pageant preparations in The
Battalion, I was pleased that a produc
tion that takes many hours of work
would receive its much deserved public
ity; however, after reading the article, I
was somewhat surprised.
According to the article, “with the ex
ception of two women, eighteen contes
tants padded the upper portion of their
bathing suits for the swimsuit competi
tion” not to mention the use of “tanning
gels, tanning centers, falsies, body-bind
ing tape and false fingernails.” While I
will not claim that some of this does not
go on, its use is not to produce a fake or
“perfect” figure.
Many of the girls, in order to prevent
a washed-out look under the bright
lights, did use tanning gels and some
even attended tanning centers; yet are
these twenty to be singled out? I am sure
if you were to call most tanning centers
in Bryan-College Station, you would
find them booked until spring break. It
is also suggested by pageant officials
that pads be worn beneath the swimsuit
bustline in order to conceal reactions
Education secretary
not getting degree
Sound bites are more than adequati
to present all the thoughts of somepeo
pie. But Bennett is not one of them. Hi
is the only member of the Presidenti
Cabinet who has spent his life takingse
rious ideas seriously. That is what make
him dangerous to the academic divisioi
of the indignation industry.
Bennett says that there can be nt
“right” for every student to attend thi
university of his or her choice. Anyoni
who disagrees with that has a peculiai
understanding of the allocation of pul>
lie goods, especially goods such as uni
versity admissions that are valued in
part because of the various forms ofsta
tus they can confer.
Bennett says (well, he said it once, lit
probably will not say it again becausedt
partures from blandness cause tot
much turmoil) this:
He can imagine not being dismayed!
his son someday wants the mqney save!
for university tuition to be used instea!
to start a business.
Bennett is not expx essing a philistint
preference for money over mind, he is
expressing dismay that so many univer
sities serve the mind poorly. This point
which he has been making forcefullyfoi
three years as head of the National En
dowment for the Humanities, has been
missed by persons eager to strike a pose
of indignation., Which brings us back!
McCaffrey, who has disinvited Bennett,
Why? “Because L find your views lobe
directly contrary to those held by me
and our Univeristy of the Pacific.”
WASHING-
TON — Stanley
McCaffrey, a cop
in the ranks of the tiSjagL
thought police, PH
saw his duty and
did not flinch. Me-
Caffrey, president
of California’s
University of the
Pacific, saw what George Will
William Bennett
said and withdrew an invitation for Ben
nett to receive an honorary degree. “We
simply cannot honor a person holding
these views.”
I know little about the University of
the Pacific, but I will wager that it re
sembles most universities and therefox e
is broad-minded about the expression,
and even the teaching, of the view that
America is racist, sexist, imperialist, mil
itarist, etc. So what did Bennett, the new
secretary of education, say that caused
McCaffrey, he of tender sensibilities, to
recoil and become the toast of the fac
ulty club?
Among other things, Bennett said
that for budgetary reasons subsidies to
middle-class students should be cut.
Specifically, families with incomes above
$32,500 should not be eligible forfede-
rally guaranteed loans (that would mean
they would have to pay perhaps 12
rather than 8 percent interest).
There are many Americans — includ
ing, I suspect, McCaffrey — in whom
the flame of thought flickers so weakly
that they only feel vital and engaged
with history when they are indignant.
America’s indignation industry makes
neither shoes nor butter nor poetry.
Rather, it makes mandatory blandness
by practicing moral intimidation. Its in
timidation works on people who can be
intimidated by the denial of the honor,
such as it is, of a degree from the hands
of the likes of McCaffrey.
Blandness in public utterance is en
couraged by television journalism
which, because of the tyranny of the
clock, specializes in what are known, in
televisionspeak, as “sound bites.” It de
fines, and distorts, individuals with
brief, telegenic “bites.” A nation that
knew nothing of Secretary Bennett got
its first glimpse of him in a “sound bite.”
He was saying that for some students
the cut in subsidies might mean having
to forgo a stereo or car or spring vaca
tion at the beach.
A typical viewer probably got this
glimpse on television at dinner time.
The baby was crying and so was the Cui-
sinart, the phone was ringing and so was
the viewer’s head because Billy, 14, had
his cassette player blasting out Madon
na’s “Like A Virgin.” It was all back
ground music for the 15-second sound
bite that introduced Bennett to the na
tion.
The aid plan Bennett defends wl
preserve all aid for the least affluent slu
dents who, without aid, could not goto
any college. It would make less exper
sive public institutions better able to
compete with private institutions, such
as the University of the Pacific, for mid
dle-class students. The aid plan is debat
able. But dishonorable.?
The hysterical condemnation of Ben
nett illustrates the moral exhibitionisu
of people like McCaffrey. It also revels
that the academic lobby — like, say, tht
tobacco lobby, but with more moral pre
tenses — has become an organized ap
petite. Bennett has interrupted its con
centration on the social pork barrel b)
raising disturbing questions about aca
demic purposes and competence.
McCaffrey’s approach to controversy
is not new. “Why should we bother to
reply to Kautsky?” Lenin asked. “He
would reply to us, and we would have to
reply to his reply. There’s no end to
that. It will be quite enough for us to an
nounce that Kautsky is a traitor to the
working class, and everyone will under
stand everything.” McCaffrey should
know that everyone understands him.
George Will is a columnist for the
Washington Post.
caused by changes in temperature. Tap
ing of the legs and waistline, which you
pointed out, are rarely used (and in this
pageant were not used at all). In rebut
tal to the taping of the bustline, this
gives the girls a support beneath swim
suits and strapless gowns that many
feminine undergarments give women
each day.
MSC Hospitality proudly sponsored
this fantastic production with the help
of a seventeen member pageant staff (all
students) and the support of local busi
nesses and organizations including the
Singing Cadets and the Aggieland Or
chestra, which made this year’s Miss
Texas A&M Scholarship Pageant one to
remember!
Through this production, hundreds
of individuals spent an entertaining eve-
ning watching twenty-one talented
women, who possess beauty in both
physical appearance and personality,
compete for more than two thousand
dollars in scholarship awards and a
chance to represent the university they
each are proud to be a part of. Each one
participating in and working on this
production has grown in a personal ed
ucation by gaining self-confidence
through a job well done.
Ms. Campbell, next time you are al
lowed to be behind the scenes of an im
portant event which entertains and edu
cates, I hope you will think about its
advantages not only to those involved
but to those viewing before writing your
many words of wisdom.
Tammy Moss
A proud contestant in
both the 1984 and 1985
Miss TAMU Scholarship Pageants
The Battalion
USPS 045 360
Member of
Texas Press Association
Southwest Journalism Conference
The Battalion Editorial Board
Brigid Brockman, Editor
Shelley Hoekstra, Managing Editor
Ed Cassavoy, City Editor
Kellie Dworaczyk, News Editor
Michelle Powe, Enitorial Page Editor
Travis Tingle, Sports Editor
The Battalion Staff
Assistant City Editors :
Kari Fluegel, Rhonda Snider
Assistant News Editors ;....
Cami Brown, John Hallett, Kay Mallett
Assistant Sports Editor
Charean Williams
Entertainment Editors
Shawn Behlen, Leigh-Ellen Clark
Staff Writers Cathie Anderson,
Brandon Berry, Dainah Bullard,
Ann Cervenka, Michael Crawford,
Kirsten Dietz, Patti Flint,
Patrice Koranek, Trent Leopold,
Sarah Oates, Jerry Oslin,
Tricia Parker, Lynn Rae Povec
Copy Editors Jan Perry, Kelley Smith
Make-up Editors Karen Bloch,
Karla Martin
Columnists Kevin Inda, Loren Steffy
Editorial Cartoonist Mike fane
Sports Cartoonist Dale Smith
Copy Writer Cathy Bennett
Photo Editor Katherine Hurt
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Opinions expressed in The Battalion are those of the
Editorial Board or the author, and do not necessarily rep
resent the opinions of Texas A&M administrators, faculty
or the Board of Regents.
The Battalion also serves as a laboratory newspaper for
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within the Department of Communications.
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