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Sports cause stomach aches
OK, I really like sports. I think.
It sort of makes me sick to my
stomach when I see stuff that I
don’t understand. Like, what is a
Buckeye? Can anyone explain
that too me?
I guess I just get sort of con
fused. I used to think sports was
here to make me feel bad that I’ve
become such a “couch potato.” I
never really wanted to ever be
come a pro athelete. I didn’t wdnt
to dump drugs in my system so
that I can “spaz out” in front of
millions of sports-crazed tele
vision viewers. Great, I’d proba
bly get a close-up when I hadn’t
even brushed my teeth.
My pet fish, Mr. Freon, is tak
ing the whole issue rather hard. I
use to watch professional wres
tling but then my favorite guy got
beaned by the “Human Flame
thrower” with a chair. I guess
that’s when you can say I got disil
lusioned.
Well anyway, I was so upset by
the crass commercialization of my
favorite sport, that I went to the
Burger Barn and had five “Sto
mach Splitters.” Of course your
stomach doesn’t really split, but I
sure was stuffed. But that’s not
the problem. I happened to eat
some of the tin foil wrapper cov-
MR. BACTERIA
Guest Columnist
ering one of those Stomach Split
ters and I had to go to the hospi
tal to get my stomach pumped. So
when I came back home, Mr.
Freon was suffering from food
deprivation. He’s been sulking
ever since.
I also want to talk to this Jackie
Sherrill dude. I was talking to my
other friend, Raymond, and he
said that Jackie doesn’t really ex
ist. Raymond said that it is just a
holographic image projected
from Kyle Field. Raymond once
failed a physics class, so he’s
nearly a scientist.
I figure I could help Jackie
with the football team. I know the
way to solve all the problems.
Make the players wear sandals.
Now that may sound dumb,
but it sure would get results. I
can’t think very well when my feet
get hot from being stuck in shoes
all day, so I figure the Aggie foot
ball players are having the same
problem. As soon as Jackie re
turns my phone calls, I think we
can get somewhere on this.
“Gaggie” football puts me and
Raymond to sleep anyway. Last
game some guy punched Ray
mond in the head. Raymond was
wearing a “Jackie Sac” on his
head to protest the high prices of
Cokes at the games. We Figured
the nut probably liked Dr Pepper
or something. Raymond was pre
tty lucky. The “doctors” at the
quack shack gave him two aspirin
and said they could cure his brain
damage.
I just wish things were like they
were supposed to be.
What ever happened to the
days where you went to college to
get an education, stay up late and
be poor?
I’ve been living on nachos at
Bennigans for four years, and it
hasn’t hurt me any. Raymond
says there is a lot of nutrition in
jalapenos.
When I’m not foraging, I
spend my time watching Austra
lian Rules football because wres
tling has become passe.
I like a sport that has absolutely
no redeeming social value.
Mr. Freon is who I worry
about. For a fish, he’s quite sensi
tive. I’ve noticed that he’s become
jaded. That’s a signal of grave
problems.
Fish never lie.
So here’s my suggestion for
changing the sports situation. De
stroy all atheletes, stadiums,
cheerleaders and coaches. Then
start all over again.
True, this might mean the
widespread slaughter of millions
of innocent people, but drastic
situations demand drastic mea
sures.
I just want to see Mr. Freon
laugh again.
Ag sports weekend roundup
These Texas A&M athletic teams
will be in action this weekend.
• Jackie Sherrill’s Texas A&M
Football Team will seek its second
Southwest Conference victory of the
'84 season against SMU Saturday.
Kickoff will be at 2 p.m. at Texas
Stadium in Irving.
• Kitty Holley’s Texas A&M
Women’s Golf Team will take part
in the Stanford Intercollegiate
Tournament in Palo Alto, Calif.,
Nov. 2-4.
• David Kent’s Texas A&M
Men’s Tennis Team will host its sec
ond A&M Four-Way tournament of
the fall season Nov. 2-4 at the Omar
Smith Tennis Center. Texas, TCU
and Northeast Louisiana will pro
vide the Aggies’ competition.
• Jan Cannon’s Texas A&M
Women’s Tennis Team is currently
in Austin competing in the ITCA
Qualifying Tournament, Nov. 1-4.
• Mel Nash’s Texas A&M Men’s
and Women’s Swimming Teams
open their 1984-85 season at the
Southwest Conference Relays in
Lubbock Friday, Nov. 2.
• The Texas A&M Ultimate Club
will compete in a regional tourna
ment this weekend in New Orleans.
Ags must stifle
ornery ’Stcmgs
By TONY CORNETT
Sports Writer
Jackie Sherrill’s gridiron gangjumps
on the bus today at noon to travel to
Dallas and try to put some “knots on
the heads” of the now cantankerous
SMU Mustangs.
The 4-3 Aggies will have their
hands full against the 4-2 Ponies,
who are coming off a pair of stinging
losses to Houston and Texas.
“We’re playing a good football
team,” said Aggie Coach Jackie
Sherrill, “There’s no question as far
as the talent they have. Their offen
sive line is very, very huge. They’re
averaging about 278 pounds. Run
ning back Reggie Dupard is an ex
cellent football player. Quarterback
Don King gives them a different di
mension. King can throw the foot
ball and he’s throwing the football a
lot more.”
The Mustangs really are a good
team. Texas Coach Fred Akers said
that the Ponies were the best team
the Horns had played all season. Be
ing 2-2 in the conference is not
something the Mustangs expected in
’84.
Physically, the Mustangs aren’t
hurting. They’ve been lucky so far.
Mentally, it’s another story.
“Well, you know,” said SMU
Coach Bobby Collins, “you go into
the year and you’re expecting do
well and all of a sudden you lose two
conference games. To say that we’re
not down a little bit would be mis
leading. I think that our football
team will respond and go back to
work. I think that’s the best cure of
all — to get back out on the field and
get back to work. If we continue to
look back on the last game then
we’re in trouble.”
In a way, it’s a similar story for
both the Aggies and the Mustangs.
Neither team expected to be in the
position they’re in at the moment.
Both are looking to make the best
possible showing in the games re
maining.
The Aggies are coming off a 38-
14 win over the Rice Owls. Certainly,
that helps the team as far as confi
dence and it does keep them above
.500.
Offensively, the Aggies have been
getting glittering performances
from many players.
Tailback Thomas Sanders contin
ues to be the ground attacker that
makes things happen for the Ags.
Punt returner Jimmy Hawkins is the
only player in the Southwest Confer
ence this season to run a punt back
for a touchdown. Running backs
Roger Vick and Anthony Toney
have been doing their part with the
pigskin, too.
And let’s not forget that freshman
quarterback Craig Stump now has
that first victory under his belt. After
the Rice game, he admitted that he’ll
feel better about going out onto
Texas Stadium having gotten his
first win out of the way.
The Texas A&M defense speaks
for itself. They speak rather loudly.
They’re getting outstanding play
from a host of young players.
“I’m really happy to see (sopho
more defensive end) Rod Saddler,”
Sherrill said. “Rod Saddler, who
missed all of spring practice, has got
ten back to the point where he
played very well last Saturday. Rod,
hopefully, will pick up some slack.”
The slack that he’ll have to pick
up is that left by ailing All-American
defensive end candidate Ray Chil
dress. It’s still not certain whether
Childress will get to play Saturday or
not. He missed the Rice game be
cause of bursitis in his left knee.
A&M Head trainer Karl Kapchinski
compares Childress’ ailment to a
cold — it just happens to be in his
knee. One thing is for sure, though,
if Childress gets to play at all, said
Sherrill, he will not get to play the
entire game against the Mustangs.
So what does Childress’ abscence
See SHERRILL, page 12
OLDTIMERS!
(i.e. Juniors,
Seniors,
& Grads)
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO...
Get your picture taken for
the 1985 Aggieland!
ed h er '
tal area.
cadenii c
officers
man.
Hall re-
wo h ar '
t for the
Where?At Yearbook Associates
1700 So. Kyle
(behind Culpepper Plaza)
When? Now* through Nov 16th.
*P.S. You avoid the lines if you do it now!