Page 2/The Battalion/Wednesday, March 23, 1983
■u
.V,'
i:-
Slouch
By Jim Earle
“Don’t do that again. I almost fainted when your helmet
fell off.”
Send advisory troops
to aid government
s'
a
by Art Buchwald
“Sergeant, we are sending you to £l
Salvador to advise the government
troops there how to fight the left-wing
guerrillas who are winning the war.”
“I got you, sir. What kind of weapons
do the guerrillas have?”
“Mostly American. They got them
from Vietnam or captured them from El
Salvadoran troops, or bought them from
the same troops. One of your jobs will be
to see that the government officers don’t
sell their weapons to the other side.”
“Yes, sir. Am I supposed to do any
thing to win the hearts and minds of the
Salvadoran people?”
“Of course. That’s why we’re sending
you there. One of your missions is to
make sure the government troops don’t
kill too many peasants or burn down too
many villages that are suspected to be
harboring left-wing fighters.”
“How do I do that?”
“The same way you did it in Vietnam.
You explain to the government soldiers
that rape, murder and pillaging will not
be tolerated by President Reagan. That
should stop them.”
“It certainly should. Anything I ought
to know about human rights?”
“We’re not sending you down there to
train anyone in human rights. The gov
ernment of El Salvador has just been
given a clean bill of health on human
rights by the American government, so I
don’t want to see anything in your re
ports on human rights violations on our
side. But if you see any committed by the
other side, we want to hear about them
pronto.”
“I understand, sir. How is the morale
of the El Salvadoran troops?”
“Excellent, although there have been a
number of desertions. Your job is to see
that the government troops don’t go over
the hill.”
“Can I shoot them?”
“No, but you can authorize one of the
officers you’re advising t6 shoot them.
But, for God’s sakes, don’t put anything
in writing.”
“How do we know if we’re winning the
war?”
“We’re working up a body count sys
tem at the Pentagon that will soon go into
effect. We’ll expect body count reports
from you every day.”
“It sounds more like Vietnam all the
time.”
“This is not a Vietnam operation, and
you’re not to refer to it as such. Phis is a
rescue operation to uphold a democratic
government in Central America, and to
protect a freedom-loving people from
being taken over by the Communists.”
“I gotcha, sir.”
“Stop winking. I’m serious. Now you
were chosen to be one of 110 American
advisers to turn this war around.”
“That’s not a lot of advisers for a full-
scale guerrilla war.”
“It’s only a beginning. Once we get
enough of you in there, Congress will be
in no position to stop the president from
sending in more American troops to sup
port you.”
“I hope so. I don’t want to get my keis-
ter shot off.”
“Sergeant, I have utmost confidence
that you can do the job. And one more
thing, don’t talk to the press. They’ll only
write how incompetent and corrupt the
El Salvador military officers really are.”
“Are they?”
“That’s top secret information.”
ii
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b
USPS 045 360
Member ot
Texas Press Association
Southwest Journalism (Conference
The Battalion
Editor Diana Sultenfuss
Managing Editor Gary Barker
Associate Editor Denise Richter
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Andrade
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OC 11 111/.
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Coaches can do anything
sues
by Maxwell Glen
and Cody Shearer
A civil society requires that everyone
behaVe within reasonable limits of prop
riety. Everyone, that is, except coaches.
Bobby Knight and Lefty Driesell, two
of the nation’s more notorious college
basketball coaches, have been demon
strating the extent to which they play by
different rules. At the same time, the
U.S. Olympic Committee, which has re
tained Knight as its 1984 coach, and
Drisell’s superiors at the University of
Maryland, have shown how we let them
get away with it.
Knight technically fouled out in 1979
while coaching the U.S. team at the Pan
American Games in Puerto Rico.
Though he denies alk charges, the In
diana University coach received a fine for
slugging a policeman after a team prac
tice, and denunciations in the San Juan
press for referring to a Brazilian
women’s team as “dirty people.”
Now, as a joke for banquet audiences,
Knight will only acknowledge that he
bade farewell to Puerto Rico by exposing
his behind from an airplane windo be
cause “that’s the last thing I would want
them to see of me.”
Not surprisingly, Puerto Rico’s gov
ernor and congressional representative
and members of Congress’ Hispanic
Caucus want the Olympic Committee to
sack Knight. Yet, committee president
William Simon, the former Treasury sec
retary, refuses to investigate the allega
tions against him.
In deeper trouble, however, is Mary
land’s Driesell. Last fall, one of Driesell’s
star players was accused of assaulting a
woman in a dormitory room. The player,
Herman Veal, was benched for the sea
son by a student court, just prior to last
weekend’s ACC tournamant.
Driesell then took matters into his own
hands, according to The Diamondback,
the University of Maryland’s student
newspaper. He phoned the victim and
asked her, “How could you do this to me?
Do you know what tomorrow is?” (refer
ring to a big game against the University
of Virginia).
Perhaps sensing that he was behind
with time running out, Driesell made re
peated calls to the woman, promising
that, as she recalled, “there would be
trouble” and “her name would be (b ag
ged through the mud.” He even asked
assorted campus jocks to check out the
woman’s “reputation” on the Maryland
campus and at Clemson, where she’d
previously studied.
the matter.
Driesell’s biggest mistake
ing that a player could actm
impunity as a coach. \\
accorded usually free rein,
might presume that closet
associates deserve the same
by Kii
Batta
But both Driesell and Kiillf Ilt 1 xt 1 ^
estimate the clout thev e
At a
Pi .
Driesell denied allegations of harass
ment. Being a good sport, he took Veal to
the ACC tournament and allowed him to
practice with the team. “In my mind,” the
coach told reporters, “Herman Veal is
the victim. He’s more of a victim than the
girl.” Nonetheless, university of fit ials
have convened an internal inquiry into
j ca ] a g 3.0
sees f it to strike a balance 1 r i c j|w f ar 11
havior and influence; bdtlljosjtjon 0 |
sel\ es as individuals, notspoltjhelworld,
must think before speaking ectoi A
lions. rner.
“There ai
It’s unknown who confutes that we’
with diplomatic immunity,GPpk Ul,, i i
Stutuu- ((I athleiK s in \ ||lfI i' Kje'' are 8
one expl.m.uk>n Sn ' ,f SK r . e * a
.hr |,,l! U .l.l ^
much a part of the show astli rn |j. saK j
i icx and plavoffs. < L it realluLpe,.,q, s]
of the winningestaKcal loi u
Ohio State’s Woody HavesaThe first o
Lou Cat nesecca, provide^ h the rek
and
ce the addi
In .111\ I ,ixr. , . Ml tux urp on both
licenxe that we ll never aM^Jelieve
Driesell or forcing knighin’P 611 c h am
(>lvmpi( responsibilities w P as )est
on!\ symptomatic problems
another pair of clowns wou^
insulting opponents and In
expettations. More instituti
embarrassed, but most woi
price worth paying.
Unic
ghanistan
inications \
Ive bee i
B^ner al
[United
etlier the
J offers i
should nc
I |
all propag;
Another is
d States w
build its m
Turner si
nited State:
tacks and i
>wer, shou
Do
HZIl
/. L
by Pat
Ba
Students
rring brea
jld temper
[in their
ic past tin t
. eat in the
irned off d
" lid central
<.LU' \ ( ,p 44 on ^ urra
~ 1 Its a 1
Letters: Coaching complaints
ack perfoi
Blackhe
E^eland.
ptt will p
Love Rc
Editor:
Well, Jackie has done it again. Evi
dently having a lousy football team isn’t
enough for him. Now, he wants to ensure
that we have an equally sorry basketball
team. And make no mistake about it. By
renewing Shelby Metcalfs contract, he
has done just that.
Metcalfs basketball teams combine a
no movement offense with a porous de
fense in such a way as to successfully ne
gate the physical abilities of his players.
Shelby’s teams are fundamentally un
sound in every phase of the game and
undoubtedly he is the worst major col
lege basketball coach in America.
The combination of Sherrill and Met
calf in the Athletic Department dooms
our sports program to mediocrity for
years to come. The only way to avoid this
fate is to fire both of them immediately.
lowers and is run for the gain of the self-
styled prophet, Moon.
That Texas A&M would allow such an
exhibit amounts to nothing more than
official endorsement of this questionable
religious cult. No amount of doublethink
can make this fact more acceptable. I
wish to know the library staffs|
permitting such an offensivei
Editor's note: This letter wu
nied by 16 other signatures.
.nmson a
mcert at 8
)llie White
Option \
ly, and tick
jeneral j
fall adviser
lid. Prices;
serve seats
admissi
Richard H. Fosberg ’78
Library exhibit
Editor:
I wish to bring to the attention of
Battalion readers, and especially the staff
of the Sterling C. Evans Library, a very
disturbing exhibit on the fourth floor of
the library. I am talking about the Col
legiate Association for the Research of
Principles’ display case.
The Collegiate Association for the Re
search of Principles, or CARP, is nothing
more than a branch of the Unification
church of Sun Myung Moon. I am appal
led that Texas A&M University would
judge an exhibit such as this fit for public
Apart from the grave constitutional
problems of allowing a religious display
in a public building owned by a state
funded institution is the character of the
church itself. It employs deceitful
methods in recruiting and retaining fol-
Berry s World
©1983 by NEA, Inc
“Why, dear, how simply MARVELOUS!
did you first realize you already know ewi
thing worth knowing/’
A&
Sbi
MS
Coi
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