IV/Aggie Rag/Nevermore
STOP THE PRESSES
Gramm and filly
take on Congress
Highway
one way.
6 only runs
Film at 11.
United Parody.International
WASHINGTON — U.S. Rep.
Phil Gramm, R-Texas, astounded
his constituents Thursday when he
announced that he will resign from
his party and hold another special
election.
In January, Gramm announced
that due to conflicts with the Demo
cratic party, he would resign and
run as a Republican. He won a spe
cial election to regain his seat. On
Thursday, Gramm announced that
he would resign as a Republican to
run as a member of the newly
formed Boll Weevil Party, based in
North Zulch.
“If the Republican party can’t
accept my ideas and won’t let me run
the party, they’ll just have to do
without me,” Gramm said in a press
conference Thursday.
Republican leaders said they
started to wonder about Gramm last
week, when several hundred
Gramm supporters stood in the
Gapitol lobby and shouted: “Gig’em,
Gramm. Beat the hell outta Con
gress!”
On Tuesday, Gramm, wielding a
saber, rode into the House chamber
on a white filly.
Bringing his saber down just in
ches from House Speaker Tip
O’Neill’s nose, Gramm demanded
immediate control of the Republi
can and Democratic parties.
When the sergeant-at-arms
Rep. Phil Gramm
Gramm’s filly
escorted Gramm and his filly out,
Gramm shouted: “I will return! I
have not yet begun to fight! I cannot
tell a lie! Ask not what your country
can do for ...”
Gramm said that the entire event
was “just a little publicity stunt.” He
said that he didn’t want control of
both the Democratic and Republi
can parties, just the Republican
party.
“That’s all I need,” he said.
Gramm said the Boll Weevil par
ty’s platform was to work to return
the power of the federal govern
ment to Texas and to establish an
all-Aggie government, with a board
of regents to run the country and a
president appointed by that board.
“After all,” Gramm said, “it
works here, why can’t it work on the
federal level? We have preeminence
at Texas A&M. Why not national
preeminence?”
University President Francesco
Vanducci said he thought Gramm
“is a fine politician,” but said he
thought Gramm was taking the
world university idea “just a bit too
far.”
Regent chairman B.S. “Ultra”
Brite disagreed with Vanducci.
“Gig’em, Gramm, beat the hell outta
Congress!” he said.
by Gary Barker
Aggie Rag Staff
A mysterious unmovable roadb
lock that is keeping cars from leaving
Brazos County was discovered by
county police yesterday.
“We don’t know where in the heck
it came from,” Brazos County Sheriff
Sam T. Goodlboy said. “All we know
is that it means Highway 6 only runs
one way now.”
Goodlboy said that the roadblock
means that cars can come into the
Bryan-College Station area — but
none can leave. He estimated that un
less police can remove the roadblock,
the population in Brazos County will
be 500,000 by the end of the month.
Local merchants and businessman
seemed pleased with the prospect.
“Heh, heh, heh ... I like it!” Bryan
businessman Frank N. Stein said.
But University admissions officials
were not as pleased with the situation.
Admissions Director I.M. Para
noid said: “I think it’s a plot by UT to
force substandard students into A&M
so that they can beat us in the race to
preeminence.
“They’re always out to get us,” Pa
ranoid said. “They probably had help
from other Southwest Conference
schools, maybe even Harvard and
Yale. They all want to be better than
us. They might have even had help
from the Communists. All of them
want to infiltrate our precious bodily
fluids.”
Several students said the roadblock
was “bad bull.”
mysterious
into their
STRANGE: This
County residents
Zone!
“What are we gonna do?” asked
Billy Joe Bob from Old Dimebox. “I
guess now when somebody complains
about something at Texas A&M, we’ll
just have to shoot ’em.”
“Beat the hell outta roadblocks,”
several students shouted.
An unidentified man standing
near the roadblock yesterday was
shouting orders at motorists, but they
failed to heed his calls.
“You have just entered a town
where 100,000 people are trapped in
their narrow ideological views,” the
man said, “where dissenters are
pu/ ished and anyone wearing orange
is shot.
roadblock
own version
has locked Brazos
of the Twilight
“You havejust entered ... the Twi
light Zone.” J()!: Uni
Police tried to apprehend the man trembles
several times, but he repeatedly ran
into another dimension.
“Damn freaky,” officer Billy Bob
Bumsmith said. “I ain’t never seen
nuthin’ like it. He (the unidentified
man) looks just like that ole guy
what’s his name? Rod Sterling or
sumthin’. But he’s dead, ain’t he?”L
At that point Bumsmith fainted
and had to be revived.
Sheriff Goodlboy said: “It’s no big idx ca ^' n
deal. We’ll have the culprits run outta Dime \ ou
town by sundown or my name ain’t jner, John
Buford T. Justice.” Jiana Suit
Denise Ri
il
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Students for hire: A&M’s secret shame
Scott McC
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by Daran Bishop
Aggie Rag Staff
So you think Texas A&M finally is taking
steps to increase its minority enrollment?
Think again. The Aggie Rag, in keeping with
its long tradition of in-depth investigative re
porting, has uncovered startling new evi
dence that the University is hiring minorities
to pose as students in a last-ditch attempt to
increase its minority enrollment.
In a secret interview in a second floor util
ity room at Cain Hall, an unidentified source
posing as a pizza delivery man talked about
the problems and rewards of being a student-
for-nire.
“My main problem is time,” the source said.
“There are so many places around campus I
need to be seen. It isn’t easy getting from the
Academic and Agency Building to the Acade
mic Building every other hour in time to be
seen by the prospective students touring the
campus. It can really tire a guy out.”
A lot of preparation goes into being a stu-
dent-for-hire, the source said.
“The University issues us textbooks and a
sheet of topics to discuss,” he said. “They like
us to talk about typical student stuff: classes,
drugs, sex and football. They’re also pretty
strict about what we wear. T-shirts and
Wranglers are preferred.”
However, the student disguise sometimes
can backfire.
“The only serious problem that comes up is
when a real student sees one of my textbooks
and asks me a question about some home
work,” he said. “Usually I just tell them I’m on
the football team, and they leave me alone.”
/The student-for-hire scheme is fairly re
cent, the source said.
“The football team used to fulfill this func
tion,” he said. “Before (Coach Jockie) Shorts’
new rule requiring athletes to go to class, they
could be seen almost anywhere on campus —
except classrooms.”
The source speculated on the University’s
reason for instigating the student-for-hire
program.
“It’s a lot cheaper than minority recruit
ment programs, plus it makes sure only the
‘right’ kind of minorities attend Texas A&M,”
he said. “It totally eliminates the radical ele
ment.”
Other alternatives to the minority problem
included kicking out white students until the
ratio was evened or having a percentage of
white students darken their faces, the source
said.
“The University planned to start kicking
out students in such ‘expendable’ majors as
education, wildlife fisheries and the liberal
arts programs,” he said. “They planned to use
the amount of money each department gen
erated as a guide on whether to keep it or
throw it out.
“However, the political science department
volunteered their students to be the first to go.
You know what bleeding-heart liberals they
Blacks are not the only minority the stu-
dents-for-hire are employed to represent, the
source said.
“A large majority of us represent foreign
students,” he said. “The From-Far-Away Stu
dents Association serves as our headquar
ters.”
The FSA tables up in the Memorial Student
Center have much the same purpose as the
Army, Navy and Air Force tables, the source
said.
“We recruit a lot of our people through
those tables,” he said. “Of course, we have to
be a lot more subtle since our operation is
strictly undercover.”
Once someone is hired to impersonate a
"We do this through the travel committee,”
he said. “On the surface it looks like a study-
abroad program for A&M students. In real-
is the basis of the whole student-for-hire
ity, it i
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Football
foreign or minority student, they usually are
sent to the country of their choice to pick up
the accent and mannerisms of that country,
the source said.
program. Just think about it, have you ever
actually met a person who has been on one of ^ ^ a
those trips?” JL nti satf
Employees in the program who are better
than average are promoted to the Teaching
Assistants-For-Hire program. They pose as P --
foreign or minority TAs, usually in the en
gineering department, the source said.
“These guys are real professionals,” he
said. “There is one from Muncie, Ind., whose
Pakistan accent is so thick you’d swear he was a
native. Of course, only a few know he’s not.’™
The students-for-hire program is not lij
mited to Texas A&M, the source said.
“Almost every Southwest Conference
school has a similar program,” he said. “Ha«
ven’t you ever wondered about those white
students at Prairie View A&M?”
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What’s Hapnitil
Someday
PHI LHASA APSO:will hold its annual spring string bikini untyirig
contest. BYOB. BYOT. BUTT.
SWUMP:will have a yell-and-get-mad at conservatives party. Bring
your own ideology.
THE KNIGHTS OF KAMPUS KORPSMEN:will have a yell-and-
get-mad at liberals party. Bring your own sabers and sheets.
BITS AND BYTES BRIGADE:meet and discuss how to tamper with
the University computer system — and not get caught.
METAPHYSICAL SOCIE'l Y:will debate its own existence.
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KAMPUS KOPS:will sponsor a lecture on self-defense for the pizza id she
delivery man. campt
FARMERS COMMUNICATIONS SOCIETY:will discuss how to ;'hel m
take pictures of a black cow at night.
TAMU POLO CLUB:will hold a wash-and-wax-your-Rolis-Koyce
party. Bring your own lackey.
FIGHT-FOR-JOBS CENTER: will hold a seminar on how to claw and
fight your way to the first of the interview sign-up line. Guerila
warfare gear is recommended.
atmosplu
|S what he
Masked,
people ke
»everyoi
COMPANY B-52:will hold a seminar on techniques for killing the
Third World guerilla. Participants are asked to provide their own
bananas.
STUDENT GOVERNMENT:will sponsor a debate between former
UT student body president Hank the Hallucination and I e xas A&M|
Student Body President Tap Noserap. I he topic will be: I he im
portance of student government in today’s society."
(r tgulation
1 spc
>iKle
of nuclear fallout on developing piglets.
BLUE GENES SOCIETY:will clone members of the public for its
annual fund-raising. Bring your own genes.
MINORITY RACE ASSOCIATION:will hold a mock race riot by
Rudder Fountain. Students are needed to play both rioters and cops
THE MILLION DOLLAR AGS CLUB: will honor seniors with a
free steak dinner and then pass the hat.
GENETIC-ATHLETIC ENGINEERING SOCIETY:will discuss
cloning a championship football team.
SOCIETY OF PROFESSIONAL JOURNALISTS:will discuss ihe
ethics of parody writing.
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MARYLAND CLUB: The Maryland Club will be meeting at Max- 'Icoups,
well’s house tonight at 7 p.m. Tonight’s guest speaker is Juan Valdez, loQy e2a j
who will be talking about his summer vacation spent picking coffee
beans in Columbia. Mrs. Olsen will serve refreshments.
ADD-A-BEAD FOR THE POOR: The Panhellenic Society will be
sponsoring an add-a-bead-for-the-poor drive. Students are en- vj||enroll
couraged to donate gold beads of any millimeter size to be made into |.| ^
necklaces and given to poor families in the B-CS area.
SOCIETY TO PROTECT YOUR PRECIOUS BODILY N (or 1
FLUIDS: A “How to Keep Communists from Invading Your E|Salved
Precious Bodily Fluids” seminar will be held in the rifle range of the
Trigon. Only people with security clearances will be given the date.
Distilled water and pure grain alcohol will be served. Gen. J. IfB, fl| ng.
Ripper will speak.