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Cannibalism and
high-tech industry
by Art Buchwald
Hi-tech industry, particularly compu
ters, is recommended for people who are
looking for a profession. For the moment
the computer industry is supposed to be
recession-proof. Well, up to a point.
I heard this story about one of the
largest computer companies in America.
“Dr. Frankenstein, I want to congratu
late you on your new software program
which makes it possible for a robot to do
the work of 100 human beings in one half
the time.”
“It was nothing. The key was to get a
computer to interface with the robot so
they talk the same language. Once the
robot was programmed to only respond
to SAMPSON it learned to discriminate
not only colors, but sizes, shapes and ver
bal orders. One executive sitting in his
home in Greenwich, Connecticut, with
our ‘Artichoke 536,’ can now give orders
to every SAMPSON-programmed robot
in the Western world.”
“We’re aware of that and we’re very
proud of your work. It has turned out to
be better than anything we dreamed of.”
“Have you sold the system already?”
“No, we’ve been using it in our own
company first, to make sure there aren’t
any bugs in it.”
“And?”
“You’re fired, Frankenstein.”
“Yes, the system you perfected made it
possible for us to lay off 3,000 employees
and still increase productivity by 40 per
cent.”
“But it was my idea. How can you fire
the person who thought up the idea?”
“The SAMPSON Robot has made it
possible to eliminate your entire research
and development department, which was
a big financial drain on the company. We
can now instruct the Robot to do the same
work you were doing at a hundredth of
the cost.
“It has perfected a new merchandising
program, which will eliminate 90 percent
of our sales force, and it’s already figured
out how to cut our taxes and phone bills
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
According to SAMPSON, which is now
doing our law work, if you go to another
firm and work on the same research you
will be guilty of giving away trade secrets
and our robot advises us to sue you.”
“But you’re taking my livelihood away
from me.”
“We’re not taking it away from you.
The robot you invented is. If you were as
smart as you think you are you wouldn’t
have programmed it to do research and
development. Once you scientists take on
a problem, you never think of the con
sequences of your successes.”
“Well, if I can’t work in R&D give me a
job doing something else. I have only two
more years before I get my pension. I’ll
work in the mailroom.”
“All right. I’ll ask SAMPSON, on my
computer.”
“What did it respond?”
“He said he doesn’t need some dopey
person to get in the way. He can sort the
mail alone.”
The Battalion
USPS 045 360
Member ol
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Southwest Journalism Conference
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matter should be directed to the editor.
Editor Diana Sultenfuss
Managing Editor Gary Barker
Associate Editor Denise Richter
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Entertainment Editor Colette Hutchings
Assistant Entertainment Editor. . . . Diane Yount
News Editors. . .Jennifer Carr, Elaine Engstrom,
Beverly Hamilton, Jan Werner,
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Christlieb, Patrice Koranek, John
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by 70 percent. Dr. Frankenstein, you cre
ated a work of art, and we plan to give
you full credit in our next stockholders
report.”
“That’s great, but I still need a job.”
“You should have thought of that
when you started developing the SAMP
SON Robot. Surely you knew that this
labor-saving system would eliminate the
need for people.”
“I was thinking of other companies we
could sell it to; not our own.”
“We would be crazy not to use it
ourselves. Our first responsibility is to cut
labor costs as low as we can. When you
put a human being on the payroll, you
not only have to add in his salary but also
his Social Security, medical benefits, pen
sion, vacation and coffee breaks. A robot
cna be depreciated over three years, and
then it works for us for nothing.”
“Well, if you feel that way about it, I’ll
go to another company and make a better
SAMPSON than you have.”
Battalion/Pp
December 15,
College heartburn quotient
A new sodium-free antacid tablet is
being advertised. In the advertisements
the company has included a chart listing
the Heartburn Quotient for a variety of
situations.
Here are some of the circumstances
listed:
500 points — “The police car you just
hit has two nuns and a White House offi
cial in the back seat.”
135 points — “Your accountant moves
to Brazil.”
In the first place, some people aren’t
susceptible to those heartburn problems.
They’re called “carriers.” Such chance
encounters as minor disagreements or
other problems with carriers can cause
unbearable burning pains in the sto
mach.
This doesn’t include cases of continual
contact with a carrier. Continual contact
can cause worse problems, including
shaking, dizziness and an urge to scream.
Sure, some of the situations men
tioned in the commercial would start the
diana
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to the restroom, and there is mi
replace her. And the folks opei
gistration announce fromthet»l|
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two par ts — and you’reinthew.|j
492 points — One-tenthofonti
after a traffic light changes
green, the car behind you,
rently is equipped with electn
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300 points — Atanyhourortbi.G. Bockmo
night, you arrive at the busstopt*+ The Te
five seconds after the vehiclei p*gf‘ wa y s a
tended to board leaves. 1 B' on PJ'°P
98 points — Automatic clotte# 10 ^ Ho _ 1
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old acid pump going. But college stu-
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The pro
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dents usually don’t face those types of
emotional upsets. The types of situations
we face are much worse. Here are a few
examples:
sjftreet betw
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600 points — After at least a 15-minute
wait, you finally are next in line to regis
ter for classes. At that moment, the per
son sitting at the table has to make a trip
thereby guaranteeing at least
matched pair will emerge fromli
ly (or monthly) wgsh. Orsaiddi
cide not to heat when you pcjbtasilv betw
clothes in them. Bd Texas
3,000 points — you loseyouritH
the week before finals. TheboolB 0 " 6111311
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I CANT STICK THE MXON A RAILROAD. I CANT®
ITON A PLANE, I CANT STICK IT IN A SILO,,,SO
YOU TELL ME, NANCY, WHERE CAN I STICK f
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by Donald A. Davis
United Press International
WASHINGTON — The MX missile furor
is providing a glimpse into the tactics the
White House will use to guide controversial
issues during the coming session of the 98th
Congress.
It was only by chance that Dec. 1 was the
date set for President Reagan to come up with
a proposal on how the expensive and controv
ersial nuclear missile should be based. His
choice — “dense pack” clustering — was sub
mitted to Congress rapidly and with mini
mum fanfare.
Although its membership was the same as
before, the Congress that received the sugges
tion was not the same one through which
Reagan shoved measure after measure as he
laid out his economic programs in the first two
years of office.
Because of the November elections, many
congressmen lost their jobs, making them all
but immune to any sort of presidential arm-
twisting.
Others who weathered the ballot battle
were more reluctant to listen to the persuasive
president’s calls for support. Democrats had
no reason to toe the line for Reagan and Re
publicans were wary. Reagan did some tele
phoning to congressmen, but did not mount
the kind of campaign which conjured up the
unexpected victories earlier in his tenure.
The result was an overwhelming 245-176
House of Representatives vote to deny funds
for the missle Reagan calls the “Peacekeeper.”
The outcome did not necessarily surprise the
White House, although the margin of the vote
did.
“It was a difficult vote. We started from
behind and that was how we ended up,” said
deputy press secretary Larry Speakes.
Speakes estimated a “core of 40 to 50”
House members made the difference and that
once the vote began to turn one way, other
congressmen began jumping on the band
wagon.
added that the House loss “doesn’t indicate to
us” a similar margin in a Senate vote.
If the administration can squeeze the MX
financing bill through the Senate, where Re
publicans retained their edge in the elections,
the differing outcomes then go into confer
ence committee. That is where the missile
might come back to life.
“There’s got to be a meeting of the minds
somewhere,” Speakes said.
In addition, the president is expected to
speak out “forcefully and often” in behalf of
the MX, hoping to stir grassroots pressure on
the congressmen.
That signals a significant departure from
past campaigns when Reagan formed his
famed “Boll Weevil” coalition of conservative
tion.
Because
Democrats and loyal Republicans. j not public
Now with the House firmly into ( ^
Speaker T homas O’Neill’s Dcmocr-tyy(; rec{;
ship, the administration can almost
any hope of support on crucial issue
Cal
But with the president using
Office as the “bully pulpit” describedon all
odore Roosevelt, the aefrainistrationii® 6881011 ^ 3 1
to pound out its message to the pul
congressmen thoroughly in the future
critical votes come up. Then they will'
chips on getting at least one acce|
sion of their bills through the tame
isolating O’Neill’s power and coming 1
a compromise when the two sidessit'
reason out their differences.
With the new House for the 98th Congress,
which comes to office in January, containing
more Democrats, the administration can ex
pect more lopsided defeats there.
However, the MX loss is providing a test for
the White House theory of success through
the Senate, where Republicans dominate, and
then in the valuable conference committees,
where deals are struck.
“We’re hopeful for passage in the Senate,”
Speakes said of the chances for the MX. He
Berry s World
© 1M2 by NEA. Inc.
“Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t more to life
than immediate gratification. ”