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About The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1964)
NO DRILL 1 SATURDAY 1 Volume 61 Special April Fools Edition THE SQUADRON All The News That Fits, We Print COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1964 no I CLASSES I S TOMORROW i Number 22 Quadron Overthrow Conspiracy Reported Totalitarians I Approve New 10 I 1 The report of a conspiracy by Core freshmen to take over the Quadron, A&M’s largest tool shed, was confirmed Tuesday with the interception of a ciphered message written on the tables in the Memorial Stark Sinner coffee shop. A message, reading “I hate this damn place,” was found cleverly hidden under 4,000 coffee cups, two Class of ’63 seniors, and a Win With Wilkie sign in the campus intel lectual center. Immediately taken to the third floor of the Academic Building for expert decoding, the impending threat was analyzed by C. K. Stetson who informed Col. Edsel Butcher, Commandant of the Core. Rings By I. W. HARPER Squadron Culture Writer Ten different Senior rings were approved by the Stu dent Totalitarians in a special meeting Tuesday night in the Sinner. After a hot debate between the non-regs and the Core that last ed for about two hours, 41 min utes and 16.8 seconds, the stu dent dictators agreed on a com promise. The Core boys proposed 18 dif ferent rings, while the non-regs suggested that since Aggies don’t lie, cheat or steal, they shouldn’t he given rings. In explaining his proposition, non-reg dictator Mutt Lyre said, "Most people look at a ring on a recent graduate’s finger and wonder to themselves how much he had to lie, cheat or steal to get that ring. Since Aggies don’t lie, cheat or steal, we shouldn’t wear rings, because if we do wear rings people will think we lie, cheat or steal, and we don’t want them to get the impression that Aggies don’t lie, cheat or steal.” Core representative Bobby Smi thsonian violently disagreed with Lyre, “You’re all wet, Mutt,” said Smithsonian, beating Lyre over the head with a cigarette butt. Lyre, held at saber point by the chief honcho of the totalitarians, Roberta Harlandowski, finally agreed to the compromise of 10 rings. The totalitarians decision is final. Beginning next year, the following rings will be worn: 1. Students completing four years in the Core will be allowed to wear the present ring, pro viding they complete their aca demic obligations in the same four-year period. 2. Four-year Core veterans who take five, six, or seven years to finish will get the same ring, but will be docked one star for every extra semester they spend chasing down their degree. 3. Non-reg seniors who have survived two years of Core life will have “I Made It Two Years” stamped on the back of their ring. 4. Non-regs who could only stand the Core less than two years will have the eagle in the ring replaced by a chicken. 5. Transfer students will have the eagle in their ring replaced by an impressive TR and will have the rifle, saber, cannon combo re placed with three cookies. 6. Students who do not speak English in the mess hall will have Texas A&M University written in their native language. 7. Athletes’ rings will be ma roon and white with a miniature Henderson Hotel stamped on one side and either winner or loser stamped on the other side. 8. Married coeds will have pink rings with green flowers on them. 9. Some coeds will have solid white rings. 10. Other coeds will have dull gray rings. Col. Butcher, in a memor able statement to The Squad ron, said he couldn’t care less. “I couldn’t care less,” Butcher said. Informed sources reported though, that extraordinary pre cautions were being taken by Quadron officials to prevent open hostilities. Coffee breaks will be limited to 10 a day, and Rev eille will accompany the officers to the Sinner. Large baracades and thousands of copies of the Articles of the Kadet Core have been stacked around the Quadron, manned by Kampus Kops armed to the teeth with parking tickets. “We’ll write on anyone who comes within a hundrt yards,” a security officer mumbled. “50-40 or fight,” an other replied. Squadron reporters were unable to locate Core leaders, who had been unexpectedly called away on a field trip to the clay pits, but a freshman who had been left in charge said that the revolt centered around a recent order demanding that fish be more polite to upperclassmen. In an official release, flown by carrier pigeons through the bara cades, the Quadron reaffirmed it couldn’t care less. Non-Regs Meet Buddies All civilian students are invited to a come-as-you-are party tomorrow afternoon in the Grove, said Richard Less, prexy of the Non-Reg Conclave. The purpose of the party will be to allow the civilians to meet their roommates as well as the non-regs across the hall, said Less. Dress will be informal as worn on the campus. Less urged the civilians not to shave, shine their shoes, take a bath, wear clean clothes or anything different from their regular campus wear. A contest will be held to select Mr. Grode of A&M. Points will be given for sloppiness and body odor. A special B.O. meter will be used in the test, said Less. “We expect a close race as all the non-Corps students are in the running,” Less told this reporter from a respect able distance. Ag Critical After Fight With Bullneck Marvin Snodgrass, junior bas ketweaving major from Plaino, Texas, was reported in critical condition at the Student Health Center by Dr. (Bloody) Repulsed after the student was set upon and nearly killed by a plate of bullneck in Sbtzykisa Dining Hall Tuesday at the noon meal. Frank Nuisance, director of the campus dining halls said regret fully that the accident should not have happened because, “all din ing hall employees have the strictest orders that meat must at least be unconscious before it is served to the student body. Willard Upjohn, waiter for Snodgrass at the time of the acci dent gave this account of the accident. “We were serving those de licious meatballs and spagetti that the students like so much and Snodgrass, who was working the hot corner, sent me back for more bullneck. “I distinctly remember one of the cooks clubbing my particular bowl of food and we usually don’t take enough to the tables in one helping to be dangerous should it ever get loose. “I stopped at his (Snodgrass) table and just as I handed him the bowl, some of those slimy pieces of spagetti slipped over the side of the bowl and wrapped around his arms. I hesitated a moment and then before anyone could do anything, that awful bowl of bullneck was on top of him. It was (eucccccch) terri— uh would you excuse me?” Upjohn is also listed in fair condition at the campus hospital. Repulsed, a magician with a traveling medicine show before coming to A&M told The Squad ron, “We’ll give them some pills and send ’em home.” Campus Leaders In Conference . _ ___ I 11 a closed meeting- Tuesday campus leaders est officer selection instrument is J. Wayne stit’ of the “ °oers. About to activate the Sinners new- KK’s Arrested For Drag Racing The whole group of Kampus Kops were arrested by the Hot Rodders Association Tuesday for trying to learn how to drive, reported an uninformed source. The penney-colored men were in the parking lot behind Crying Field trying to drag their late model autos. Since none of the ticket distributors had drivers licenses they were immediately expected to drive on campus in the fashion accepted, the source said. He went on to say that they could not drive unless they were writing out a ticket for parking in areas where no one else parked. The source said the KK’s were in their official uniform of chick en feathers and slime. He said they were patrolling the south 640 while conspirators were steal ing the motor out of a 1912 cor jet in the parking area. After ample time had been giv en for the motor to be pulled, they pushed their cars to the Crying Field lot and were discus sing the advantages of not using the clutch when taking off in neutral. Someone suggested writ ing parking tickets but this was voted down in .favor of learing to drive. Mae West Performs At Town Hall Miss Mae West put on a special performance appear before the student body. She was at Town Hall last weekend, auditioning be- attacked and severly bitten by a large mon- fore a selected board of A&M culture ex- grel dog, whose owner cannot be located perts. Unfortunately Miss West will not for comment. Enrollment Problem Solved Undercover Work With Ag After suffering from the prob lem of decreasing enrollment for the past few years, A&M broke through the barrier yesterday as Dean of Students James P. (Han dy) Gan announced a tremendous increase in the usual number of transfer student applications. “The majority of the tran scripts seem to be coming from Cokkie-pusher U. in Austin. In fact, it appears that the entire male student body of C.U. is trying to get into A&M. President of the C.U. Board of Regents Harry Rancid gave the following statement about his student body’s decision short ly before jumping from his office high atop the famous C.U. water- tower. “It seems as though the in dependent male students as well as the frat-rats could no longer hope to get even a coke date on the C.U. campus because those A-Gyes from College Station had all the girls sewed up for years to come, and the boys decided to get whatever those A-Gyes have. As soon as the girls hear about the boys decision to join the Core, we expect them to move to College Station too. (Handy) Gan was quick to dis appoint the aspiring Aggies-to-be as he announced that of the 12,694% transcripts received and students interviewed, few quali fied as even near the strict A- type standards. The major reasons for disquali fication listed by Gan were; no Robert P. Morning, member of the A&M Jay Department was killed Tuesday by an unknown assailant who apparently placed a group of high explosives in his memeograph machine. Dr. Johnny Marauder, acting head of the department, said that Morning was working late, run ning off a 45-page form which would ultimately replace all forms that had come from his office this year. “It was getting so that you couldn’t get into his office be cause of all the forms, and he had begun taking up class time discussing ways to rid himself of the nuisance,” said Marauder. “One of the students came up with the idea of the all-purpose form and although he went along with it, the forms had become so much a part of his life that it is probably best that he was put hair on their chests, mothers who insisted upon attending with their sons, weak constitutions and various charges of carrying wands in their pockets. North Gate merchant Lou Po announced that he was coming to the aid of the C.U. students by opening a trading post on Guada lupe Street (The Drag) in Austin. He stated for Squadron reporters that he intended to sell senior boots, sabers and various A&M uniforms in the store. He also plans to take some items in trade. He cautioned, however, “Chaps, spurs and old worn-out or rustled steers will bring very little in trade. After all, who wants them. I will take a few though to keep the civilians at A&M happy.” Meanwhile, the registrar at C.U. announced that the boys “Why can’t Aggies be gross in Gunion Theatre like they used to be?” Dean of Students James P. (Handy) Gan asked Core General Paula Undresser late Tuesday night. “It seems like another tradition is dying,” Deenie (Handy) Gan cried. out of his misery,” continued Marauder. Jay Department secretary Mrs. Judy Swisho was outside Morn ing’s office at the time the acci dent occurred and upon reaching his body she heard these last words pass his lips, “Always (drool) ask (drool, drool) just one more (drool) question!” John Spear, Business Adminis tration reject to the Jay Depart ment had this to say when asked if he had any idea who committed the atrocity, “It was probably Benjy Matrulam. He’s the only one that does anything around this department anyway.” Eddie Pal, head of the Kampus Kops Korps was reported to be combing the Brazos River bot toms in search of happy journal ism majors who were reportedly celebrating the death of their beloved professor. there had dropped out of school for the remainder of the year. “One told me that he had to do something to get his 53 lb. body into shape for the rigors of his fish year at A&M.” A check with the Austin Medi cal Association showed that the majority of prospective A-Gyes had engaged psychiatrists to aid them in getting over the trauma tic experience of having their long, curly hair cut off and being away from their parents, house mothers and air - conditioned dorms. A check with Col. Edsel Butch er, commandant of the Core of Cadets revealed plans to form a squadron for the new cadets. “With their wings and natural ability to fly, how can anyone consider putting them in Army ROTC. nation to offer: “Students are getting the impression that Gunion Theatre was erected for cultural entertainment. They seem to forget that it is a place where Aggies can go to relieve themselves from the hazards of dorm life. Just because some females have begun attending Gunion on the weekend, the Cadets think they can’t be gross. That’s where they’re wrong. Any girl who would attend Gunion de serves to hear the everyday Aggie slang that used to prevail in the good ’ol days.” (Handy) Gan said he would encourage the Gunion Finer Arts Committee to start showing films that would encourage Aggies to come out with some of the cute, gross sayings heard in past years. Undresser agreed to co-operate by sending a memo to each Core unit encouraging grossness in Gunion. He said he would back up the memo with another memo encouraging Cadetees to read the first memo. Richard Less, head of the non- reg movement on campus, con ferred with (Handy) Gan early Wednesday morning and pledged his support to the program which the Deenie Weenie described as “Let’s Get More Gross Into Gunion Since That Is What It Was Built For.” Gan told a Squadron reporter just before press time that if con ditions in Gunion don’t get worse in the next few weeks, the theatre will be closed. Undresser had only this expla- Memeo Machine Blast Kills A&M Jay Department Wheel Gunion Grossness Subject Of Drive