The Battalion College Station (Brazos County), Texas
PAGE 2 Monday, April 1, 1957
An Explanation
Don’t be too shocked by The Battalion today.
For in memory of this traditional day for fools, the
attempt has been made to make this issue as foolish as pos
sible.
The entire issue (excepting the advertising and it’s for
real) is meant in good fun and thought was given to touching
as many areas as possible so that no favorites would be played
by escaping today’s news columns.
And since no malicious intent is meant, so goes the hope
that none is taken.
All of the stories, "pictures, captions, etc. are strictly
in the meaning of the slang expression “just poking fun.”
However, if the poke causes pain, it might be in order to
look and see what caused that soreness in the first place.
The chance for escaping the dull routine of Spring at
college is much needed and was eagerly taken. Everyone
needs to laugh occasionally. We had our laughs preparing
this thing and hope you have yours reading it.
Anyway, all complaints will be cheerfully ignored.
THIS SPACE
CENSORED
ARMY FLIERS
(Continued from Page 1)
forts.
Two of the Army officers most
disheartened were Lt. Col. H. V.
Ellis and Major Kenny Edwards
who had to turn in their M1921A-
12 stagger sticks for failure to
uphold the fighting spirit of the
army cadets.
And then after the uproar had
somewhat subsided, a familiar
voice rang from the depths of the
Tiger section of the Trigon.
“Let the Army boys join the
ranks of the other second class
Aggies.”
The swarm of civilians and for
mer Marines were stalled while the
Tiger officers began a false search
for the voice that had spoken of
second class Aggies.
“We must find that man,” said
Col. Sitman. “I know a lot of the
boys think that I said it but this
time they are wrong. I must
prove my innocence.”
As he spoke, the muffled roar
of a convertible, one of the less
popular models, rattled out of the
Trigon parking lot to home and
the faster Coup de Ville that rested
in the garage.
Mimeo Machine Blast
Kills Jay Dept. Wheel
Fat Wes Camera, member of the
Jay Department at A&M was killed
by an unknown assailant late last
night who apparently placed a
time bomb in his mimeograph
mechine.
Camera, busy at making out
mid-term examinations for his stu
dents had been working since 8
yesterday morning preparing the
questions.
“It was such a wonderful mimo
machine,” cried D. D. Bootyard, a
close associate, “With luck he could
have become the most hated pro
fessor on the campus.”
Camera, who had the reputation
of giving “snap” quizzes was a
popular man with the students and
could always be found trying to
congratulate them on some of their
projects.
Miss Annie McDirty, secretary,
was outside the office when the
mimo exploded and said Camera’s
last words were “Very truth
fully ”
Crying in her beer she could not
recall any more details at the time.
“A fiendish attack,” smirked
Benchwarmer Oderly Inchly, an
other member of the department,
“but I still think Yarbrough was
the best man.’
Members of the Kampus Kops
Korps were mystified as to motives
in the spinechilling crime and were
still thrashing about in reams of
blue parking tickets this morning.
At press time a detail of KK’s,
under the able command of Dud
Benton left the campus to enter the
wilds of the Brazos Bottom to
brainwash majors in journalism
who were rumored to be having
a beer bust there after hearing
of Camera’s death.
“We’ll return with all their
grade points,” vowed Benton.
The Battalion
The Editorial Policy of The Battalion
Represents the Views of the Publications Board
The Battalion, daily newspaper of the Agricultural and Mechanical College of
Texas and the City of College Station, is published by students in the Office of Student
Publications as a non-profit educational service. The Director of Student Publications
la Ross Strader. The governing body of all student publications of the A.&M. College
of Texas is the Student Publications Board. Faculty members are Dr. Carroll D.
Caverty, Chairman; Prof. Donald D. Burchard, Prof. Tom Leland and Mr. Bennie
Zinn. Student members are W. T. Williams, Murray Milner, Jr., and Leighlus E.
Sheppard, Jr., Ex-officio members are Mr. Charles Roeber, and Ross Strader, Sec
retary. The Battalion is published four times a week during the regular school year
and once a week during the summer and vacation and examination periods. Days of
publication are Tuesday throug/a Friday for the regular school year and on Thursday
during the summer terms and during examination and vacation periods. Subscription
rates are $3.50 per semester, $6.00 per school year, $6.50 per full year or $1.00
per month. Advertising rates furnished on request.
Entered as second-class
matter at Post Office at
College Station, Texas,
under the Act of Con
gress of March 3, 1870,
but didn’t win.
Member of:
Core Press
Wire Service
Represented nationally by
large monstrous ogre who
sends much, pays little.
The Associated Press is entitled exclusively to the use for republi
cation of all news dispatches credited to it or not otherwise credited in
the paper and local news of spontaneous origin published herein. Rights
of republication of all other matter herein are also reserved.
News contributions may be made by telephone (VI 6-6618 or VI-
6-4910) or at the editorial office room, on the ground floor of the
YMCA. Classified ads may be placed by telephone (VI 6-6415) or at
the Student Publications Office, ground floor of the YMCA.
JIM BOWER r Former Student
Dave McReynolds Pinky’s Successor
Barry Hart Athletic Mouthpiece
Welton Jones Core Editor
Joy Roper Girl Editor
Leland Boyd, Jim Neighbors, Joe Tindel - Spirit Editors
Jim Carrell Assistant Athletic Mouthpiece
D. G. McNutt, Val Polk, Fred Meurer, Joe Buser
Jerr Haynes Brownies
John West, C. R. McCain Artists
Don Collins Has Been
Ross Strader Interior Decorator
The Egghead chooses the Batt editorial policy again.
Run and Play, Their Motto
BA Dept. Takes Over MSC
Business Administration head
quarters will have a new location
on the second and third floor of
the Memorial Student Center af
ter the Easter Holidays, according
to Dr. Twerp W. Lilliand, head
of the B.A. Department.
Movement of the department is
to help the students of the busi
ness world better adjust them
selves to the life expected of up
and coming young businessmen,
said Lilliand. One of the chief
reasons for the move is the better
gambling equipment and card ta
bles in the MSC, he said.
The old well-worn “bicycles”
will be replaced with 200 decks
of the finest plastic coated figure
studies series. The roulette wheels
and slot machines are being put
in top condition for the grand op
ening of the new classrooms.
Bar facilities are also planned
for the new quarters. Students
have been complaining of wear and
tear on their cars because of the
frequent field trips to the Tri
angle. Lilliand reported that,
although alcoholic beverages are
prohibited on campus, President
David H. Williams is now in Aus
tin petitioning the governor to
make a special allowance for the
B.A. Department.
“Dave” plans to become a B.A.
prof next semester if the petition
is accepted.
The bar will be located in the
Serpent’s Lounge on the second
floor of the MSC. Judge “Barfly—
Law West of the the Navasot
River” Steward will serve as bar-
12 Drumstick
Chicken Shown
Poultry Frat
Val X. Pox, associate res
ident extension agriculture
expert on poultry attached to
the A&M System, told mem
bers of the Poultry Science
Fraternity last night that his life
long dream of producing a chicken
with 12 drumsticks had been real
ized.
Catching the earth-shaking im
portance of this announcement Dr.
Sal Monella Pullorum, head of the
PS Dept, ran to a phone to tell the
entire world of Pox’s discovery.
Pox had an example of his beast
with him at the meeting and at
the insistance of all present pro
duced the animal.
It was about 2 feet tall, 3
feet long and had 12 legs jutting
from the long tubular body.
When questioned by Yal O.
Jaundice, president of the student
organization, Pox told members the
cross was made by breeding a cent
ipede to an white leghorn and
backcrossing with a salamander.
Dr. Pox, who has been carrying
on experiments of this type for
125 years is known the world over
for his all breast, all white meat
and all dark meat chickens.
Jay Elected Prexy
Of Free Lovers
J. Jordan Jay, sexetary of the
YWCA, was elected head of the
Free Love and Nickle Beer Society
last night in Steam Tunnel No. 2 at
the regular meeting.
Jay, long time advocate of the
principles of the Society finally
reached his goal in life when he
was named unanimously by his
cohorts.
tender. In case the bar plans
fall through, the college will run
special busses to the Triangle.
Another change in the B.A. De
partment which will take effect
next fall is the combination of the
freshmen schools in engineering
and business. Freshmen in Sep
tember enrolling in the school of
engineering will be required to
take six hours of the basic B.A.
courses to make adjustment easier
for them when they change their
major to business at the end of
their freshman year.
A new course will also be added
in September. “How to Handle
Secretaries” will be the title of
B.A 389. The course will be
taught by Herb (Hotlips) Tomp
son. Classes will feature a three
hour lab each Saturday night with
real live secretaries to add reality
to the course.
Meanwhile, the B.A. boys are
running and playing as usual.
Epitome of Short
Course Held Here
CATERING for
SPECIAL
OCCASIONS
Leave the Details
to me.
LUNCHEONS
BANQUETS
WEDDING PARTIES
Let Us Do the Work — You Be A
Guest At Your Own Party
Maggie Parker Dining Hall
26th & Bryan
TA 2-5069
Today marks a millstone in the
history of the Memorial Student
Center, sighed Fort Wayne Sark,
director of the Sinner.
This morning at 8 we threw
open the barn doors and welcomed
the first of 928,423 % people ex
pected to gather on a Short Course
on How to Run a Short Course.
Drawing such internationally
known speakers as Phil I. Buster,
You Rattle Tomuch and O. Loos-
jaw the delegates jammed the
chairs in the Fountain Room and
Dining Rooms to overflowing.
Cashiers’ eyes gleamed brightly
as they said, “Hah—students can’t
get within a block of the Center
today.”
Sark sat back on well-filled
wallet and told repo'rters he had
contacted every group in the
United States that he knew that
had ever attended a Short Course
and one contingent in Red China
and asked them to be on hand for
the gala event.
The president of the Mud Pud
dle Builders Society was the first
to register this morning. He was
followed by a group from the Pre-
servance of Motherhood and Be
lievers in Free Love.
Free coffee tickets are issued
with each registration card. It
ffas been reported to this office
delegates are bootlegging these
tickets in the steam tunnel under
G. Rolled Black Coliseum.
More Engineering
Fish Must Flunk
Dr. Jack C. Cowhound, big dog
in the School of Horizontal Engin
eering, barked out at engineering
professors Friday for not flunking
enough students on quizzes this
semester.
Cowhound, speaking before a
gathering of hen house profs at
the Chicken Farm told them that
there is no such thing as an in
telligent student.
“We must make students learn
that they have to boot lick to get
a degree in engineering,” he said
smiling.
The atmosphere of the meeting
got worse as some chickens flew
from their coops and landed among
the profs.
Slapping an old hen from his
head and wiping his face off, Dr.
R. A. Birdseye, head of the indus
trious engineering department
flatly defied Cowhound.
“Today is Friday,” he said with
rage.
Members of the press quickly
jotted down his stirring word.
R. C. Crank, head of airplane
engines, quickly agreed:
“You’re right, Birdseye,” he
said picking up an egg just laid
by a nearby hen.
Cowhound wouldn’t let these
insulting remarks go by. He
threatened to send both men to
Cancelor T. T. Herringbone.
Both men looked at each other
with fear in their eyes. One
reached down and scratched the
feathers on his leg. They knew
that this meant only one thing.
Herringbone would turn his little
dog, Fritz, on them.
“What a way to go, they said
in an almost inaudible tone.
With these two traitors out of
the way, Cowhound continued his
reprimand.
“I want at least 75 per cent
of the students to flunk at the
end of this year,” he said. “Flunk
all the athletes first. We’ve got
to follow the lead of the School
of Tarts and Seances.”
— MONDAY —
“Back from Eternity”
with ROBERT RYAN
—Plus—
“Screaming 1 Eagles”
with TOM TRYON
Cowhound said that the dean
of that school, Dr. Aeroplane,
thought it was a good time of the
year to flunk athletes.
He emphasized that he was not
an athletic supporter.
I n conclusion Cowhound
stressed the professors’ duties to
their profession.
“It’s an honor to be an A&M
professor. Let’s live up to the
honor and flunk as many students
as possible. We want quantity
not quality.”
EE Professor Gets
Shock of His Life
Dr. Volt A. Ohms, head of the
A&N electrical engineering de-;
partment, recently released to the
press news of his shocking dis
covery.
He has worked with wiring for
years seeking a way to be famous.
Explaining that he was working
with his fabulous ohmmeter when
he discovered the operation of the
apparatus.
“It is very simple if you know
how to do it,” he said, while turn
ing on the current. “After about
200 amps and volts are flowing,
you simply connect your hand to
the point of lowest resistance,” he
said lighting up.
Funeral services are to be held
tomorrow for Ohms, well known
inventor of the electric chair.
Father Confessor Ala Carte
will be in charge of unrequirem
mass.
I
MONDAY
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Crowther, N. Y Times
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... means Trouble!
“This French melodrama of a daring Paris jewel rob
bery contains a 30-minute sequence of wordless movie-mak
ing that is the most suspenseful ever filmed” —
New York Critics Review
LI’L ABNER
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By cartoonist-of-the-year Charles M. Schulz
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