16
THE BATTALION
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Hoping to see all you fish back at A. & M.
on registration day September, 1920.
— Remember Casey.
Casevs Confectionery
!
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THE MAN FROM MARS
Note:—Dr. Munchausen was ap
pointed by the Emperor of Mars to
conduct an investigation of the
American college boy. The follow
ing is the report that he submitted.
It explains why Mars has made no
serious efforts to conquer the world.
The report follows:
The first and greatest fault to be
found with the American college hoy
is that he is not like the Marsian
student. I therefore draw the in
evitable conclusion that he is no
good, and can be of no value .to the
Universe.
After an extended observation in
all parts of the world, I concluded
my investigation by visiting the col
leges of the United States. I have
decided that the American students
would not make good slaves, and I
beg to advise your majesty that they
would do us little good, if we had
them. I can conceive of only one
possibility of their being serviceable
to us, and that is that we should
launch our invasion of the World in
the month of October, and make
prisoners of all their Freshmen. The
reason for this is that vast millions
of these persons enrolled yearly, in
September. They are very inele
gantly termed “Fish,” and are com
pelled to perform every kind of
menial tasks. By October they have
become accustomed to the work and
have grown proficient. They could
probably be made to work if your
Majesty should deem it fit. I ad
vise the asphyxiation of all then*
other students, as not even their
faculties can control them, if the
students become obstinate—and this
is their habitual mood.
The American studets eat any
thing. They consume large amounts
of hot cakes, beans, and a mixture
which they call “slum,” daily. They
apply the name “chow” to everything
they eat. They especially have a
taste for sweet things. They even
carry this into their colloqual ex
pressions and call their feminine
friends “sweet” as a term of endear
ment. They daily consume vast
quantities of a beverage which they
call “Coca Cola,” “Coke,” or
“Dope;” this drink is believed to be
invigorating. The effect is seen in
their conduct which is admittedly
obstreperous.
One of the strangest and most
interesting facts about these beings is
their fondness for the society of the
young feminine persons. Many of
them frankly admit that they could
not exist without it. Numbers are
known to yield to the inclination
each night, and, if by chance one of
them is not so disposed, he is made
the butt of many extremely person
al remarks.
I have observed a paradox in
American student life, whicii
strangely enough the people seem to
make no effort to correct. They
make the claim that the purpose of
their colleges is to help in the educa
tion of their young men; and to that
end they advertise the “study” of
various branches of learning. I
made this matter the object of mi
nute and painstaking investigation,
and examined thousands of their
young men. Not one was willing
to admit that he ever studied. They
appeared to understand the mean
ing of the word, for it seems that
their faculties use the word quite
often. When I found that they
would not acknowledge that they
studied, I conducted my investiga
tions more stealthily. I looked
through keyholes of more than five
hundred doors, to'see how they lived
when they cdtisidered themselves un
observed. In many cases I saw num
bers of them about a table or a bare
place on the floor holding small,
cubical ivory objects which they re
ferred to as “bones.” They would
shake some of these objects in their
hands, pitch them on the floor, and
scrutinize them very carefully, and
sometimes excitedly. This was us
ually accompanied by a loud snap
ping of the fingers and frequently
followed by a transfer of coins.
Some seemed to accumulate a larger
amount of these coins that others.
I judged they were returned after
the completion of their game; how
ever', they were very modest in pub
licly discussing their success. One
remarkable feature of the pastime
is the amazing rapidity with which
they remove all traces of the game
when visitors approach. They are
very timid as to being seen engaged
in the amusement.
There is much sickness among
them, although they appear robust
and healthy. I found no explanation
for this fact. Great numbers of
them are compelled to be absent
from classes and lectures on 'account
of sickness. There appears to be
more sickness on Tuesday, Thurs
day and Saturday mornings than at
any other time. By afternoon or
night the students are usually able
to be about their affairs again.
The chief outdoor employment of
these young persons is athletics.
They partake very strenuously. It is
in the nature of a business. They
devote much of their time and atten
tion to very trivial points connected
with their sports—such as how to
fall properly upon a small inflated
spheriod covered with pig-skin. They
spend hours in the effort to throw
a certain kind of sphere in some
other way than in a straight line,
and seem delighted when they ac
complish the feat. Tremendous
crowds attend their games, seem de
voted to what they call their
“teams,” and grow very undignified
at the smallest success.
This finishes my report, and I hope
your Majesty finds within it the de
sired information.
S Q.c K Hoi de rs..!