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About The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current | View Entire Issue (May 13, 1920)
16 THE BATTALION xii <-<■+ I 1 1 1 I? H S it tt g x± I t± I! 1 Tt 8 8 TT II ±t ±1 | 1| 11 1 I II 8 11 II -M- If I 1 ?1 |l 1 1 1 X X 1 1 1 1 T ± 1 Hoping to see all you fish back at A. & M. on registration day September, 1920. — Remember Casey. Casevs Confectionery ! 4> *f* X X X i 4* THE MAN FROM MARS Note:—Dr. Munchausen was ap pointed by the Emperor of Mars to conduct an investigation of the American college boy. The follow ing is the report that he submitted. It explains why Mars has made no serious efforts to conquer the world. The report follows: The first and greatest fault to be found with the American college hoy is that he is not like the Marsian student. I therefore draw the in evitable conclusion that he is no good, and can be of no value .to the Universe. After an extended observation in all parts of the world, I concluded my investigation by visiting the col leges of the United States. I have decided that the American students would not make good slaves, and I beg to advise your majesty that they would do us little good, if we had them. I can conceive of only one possibility of their being serviceable to us, and that is that we should launch our invasion of the World in the month of October, and make prisoners of all their Freshmen. The reason for this is that vast millions of these persons enrolled yearly, in September. They are very inele gantly termed “Fish,” and are com pelled to perform every kind of menial tasks. By October they have become accustomed to the work and have grown proficient. They could probably be made to work if your Majesty should deem it fit. I ad vise the asphyxiation of all then* other students, as not even their faculties can control them, if the students become obstinate—and this is their habitual mood. The American studets eat any thing. They consume large amounts of hot cakes, beans, and a mixture which they call “slum,” daily. They apply the name “chow” to everything they eat. They especially have a taste for sweet things. They even carry this into their colloqual ex pressions and call their feminine friends “sweet” as a term of endear ment. They daily consume vast quantities of a beverage which they call “Coca Cola,” “Coke,” or “Dope;” this drink is believed to be invigorating. The effect is seen in their conduct which is admittedly obstreperous. One of the strangest and most interesting facts about these beings is their fondness for the society of the young feminine persons. Many of them frankly admit that they could not exist without it. Numbers are known to yield to the inclination each night, and, if by chance one of them is not so disposed, he is made the butt of many extremely person al remarks. I have observed a paradox in American student life, whicii strangely enough the people seem to make no effort to correct. They make the claim that the purpose of their colleges is to help in the educa tion of their young men; and to that end they advertise the “study” of various branches of learning. I made this matter the object of mi nute and painstaking investigation, and examined thousands of their young men. Not one was willing to admit that he ever studied. They appeared to understand the mean ing of the word, for it seems that their faculties use the word quite often. When I found that they would not acknowledge that they studied, I conducted my investiga tions more stealthily. I looked through keyholes of more than five hundred doors, to'see how they lived when they cdtisidered themselves un observed. In many cases I saw num bers of them about a table or a bare place on the floor holding small, cubical ivory objects which they re ferred to as “bones.” They would shake some of these objects in their hands, pitch them on the floor, and scrutinize them very carefully, and sometimes excitedly. This was us ually accompanied by a loud snap ping of the fingers and frequently followed by a transfer of coins. Some seemed to accumulate a larger amount of these coins that others. I judged they were returned after the completion of their game; how ever', they were very modest in pub licly discussing their success. One remarkable feature of the pastime is the amazing rapidity with which they remove all traces of the game when visitors approach. They are very timid as to being seen engaged in the amusement. There is much sickness among them, although they appear robust and healthy. I found no explanation for this fact. Great numbers of them are compelled to be absent from classes and lectures on 'account of sickness. There appears to be more sickness on Tuesday, Thurs day and Saturday mornings than at any other time. By afternoon or night the students are usually able to be about their affairs again. The chief outdoor employment of these young persons is athletics. They partake very strenuously. It is in the nature of a business. They devote much of their time and atten tion to very trivial points connected with their sports—such as how to fall properly upon a small inflated spheriod covered with pig-skin. They spend hours in the effort to throw a certain kind of sphere in some other way than in a straight line, and seem delighted when they ac complish the feat. Tremendous crowds attend their games, seem de voted to what they call their “teams,” and grow very undignified at the smallest success. This finishes my report, and I hope your Majesty finds within it the de sired information. S Q.c K Hoi de rs..!