April 1,
••APRIL FOOLS WARNING®•
If you have no sense of humor or plan
to take this page seriously, please stop
right now. We're not kidding.
Clinton pulls the
plug on the Bush
Presidential Library
RIGHT THE!
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The Butt align
. 102, No. 120 (10 pages)
Serving Texas AdrM University fince 1893
‘Woo/qc of the fear
Nude picture layout of
Chewbacca's mother.
NOT IN THIS PAPER
Monday • April 1, 1996
e a sense (
—Joseph Aria
'yean operatk
news
BRIEFS
Bad Ag to be lynched
as example to others
A lynching will be held at 3 p.m.
today to slay a two-percenter who,
when held hostage by the Traditional
Council, refused to say "howdy,"
'whoop" or take his hat off in the
Memorial Student Center.
Council member Jed Hogg said
that a blatant trip across the MSC grass
was the first clue to the crimes.
"We were watching this guy and
we saw him trip on a rock, and he fell
down — on purpose — on the grass,"
he said. "Not only that, but he dragged
his bleeding leg into the MSC to call
an ambulance, and didn't remove
liishat. Now that's bad bull."
"We will not tolerate such behav
ior from A&M students," another
council member said. "Lynchings
aren't used anymore, but this is Texas
A&M dammit, and we have our own
rules around here."
"We gon' have us a good ol' fash
ioned lynchin'l" Cletis Jones, a junior
serving
ersal universi
,ion,” with near
ts scattered far
I Sparks,
rerseas prograi
ation to soldien bronco riding major said. "Yeeeeee
ms and very I
bawwwww!"
War Hymn to be
remixed by rap stars
In a startling move, A&M President
layCrowen announced Friday that the
“Aggie War Hymn" will be remixed
byan all-star lineup of gangsta rap
pers: Ice Cube, Snoop Doggy Dogg,
Dr.Dreand 2Pac.
d textbooks a® “We're very excited about having
nd went,"saF such a group of funky, funky rappers
chancelloraif taking part in the new song," Crowen
liversityoflifc l^'“it should be dope, def, stupid-
sea mission' I ^ fcpky-fresh and mackadocious.
5 students*! [flknow those funky, funky current
“'andformer students are looking for
just (hat in the 'Aggie War Hymn.'"
The title of the song hasn't been re-
leaied, but The Buttalion has learned
hal'Aggeez Drive By," "Cowboyz
Paradise," "Straight Outta College Sta
tion’ and "Fear of a Burnt Orange
Planet" are among the nominees.
When asked why artists notorious
hr criminal behavior were picked to
TOix the song, Crowen said, "Man,
why you trippin'? Don't you know
appers are always bein' threatened by
he man? We've always been down
*#) O.P.P. Now get outta my face."
fees can cl
■o sociology.
ink
llumoiA
ner or I
7ext.lJ] Ji
AMMIr
ents,
i!H
Reveille proven to be
a cat during check-up
loan annual check-up by the
lege of Veterinary Medicine, vet-
frinarians discovered shocking bio
logical information about the Texas
A&M mascot: Reveille VI is a cat.
lorn Katz, a veterinarian who exam
ined Reveille, said, "We always as-
imed she was a collie, but she dis
mayed unusual behavior during the
heck-up." Doctors witnessed her
rring and rubbing against people.
But the clincher," explained Katz,
was when she coughed up a fur
." After extensive tests, doctors
onfirmed that Reveille VI belongs
ha rare species of felines called Fe-
liscoli, which are normally found in
'emote regions of Sumatra. Reveille
I's breeder has reportedly fled the
ountry, and veterinarians are now
Kamining the cat to diagnose her
or dangerous diseases that can be
ipread to humans.
Night News EoP 1
■pe Editor
'Ports Editor
o Editor
:h, Graphics Ebi?
Hies Editor
Benson, Eleanor^
rielle Pontiff, Kew 1 '
Kristina Baffin,
ancis, Libe Goal
Pace Designers: K"
bnnie Christopher
ly Holley
axter, Rob Clar< !
ne Mejia, Chris
Vatson
riwan, Amy Bro» ;
i Zimmerman
’a,'Jody Holley, F
Lemons, lennifed'
Yung
, Mandy Cater/"
Building,
Texas AP
eople are stupid,
new study shows
A poll of A&M students shows that
hreeout of four people are stupid,
ke Centers for the Preservation and
tudyof Stuff defines stupid as "having
Cue or very few of the characteristics
f intelligence or reason." The results
one after months of reviewing the
lattalion's Mail Call section.
The study also predicted that the
'umber of stupid people is on the rise,
iythe year 2000, the center predicted
kail Americans would "display at
fast some qualities of stupid people
ilh over 87 percent of the population
Maying those qualities daily."
A straw poll conducted by Student
Government indicated that four out of
■ee people disagreed with the cen-
e ?s findings.
Good Morning!
oday's Scratch
Ri scratching
e cause I've got
e d-Ass."
Kyle Fielding
College Station
Clinton pulls plug on A&M Bush Library plans
By Wicket the Ewok
The Buttalion
In a surprise move, President Phil
Clinton announced in his weekly ra
dio address that he has ordered con
struction on the Bush Presidential Li
brary to stop.
“Bush ran a dirty campaign, and I
don’t think an electoral landslide was
enough to curb his ego,” Clinton said.
Clark Roberts, a spokesman for
the library, said he was shocked by
the move, which was made official
when Clinton signed an executive or
der Saturday freezing library funds
and making construction on the prop
erty a federal offense.
“First we thought we’d have eight
years to raise the money for the
damn thing, now this,” Roberts said
in a press conference Sunday.
When asked if he thought there
was a legal basis for appeal, Roberts
said it would be an uphill battle.
“Although it may seem like it
would be impossible for the president
to interfere with a project funded en
tirely by private citizens, he is the
president, and I don’t think he can be
stopped,” Roberts said.
Grover Cleveland, the 22nd presi
dent of the United States and senior
political science major, said it is very
difficult to stop a president once he
has signed an executive order.
“As a political science major, this
really hits me hard,” he said. “I was
hoping we could put politics aside af
ter those bastards at t.u. stopped
whining about how we didn’t need a
library here because we could all use
the Johnson Library. Come on, the
man looked like ZZ Top when he
died.”
George Snuffaluffagus, a Clinton
spokesman and a Scorpio, said the
move was being misconstrued.
“It’s just that we’ve researched the
community’s needs and found more
CAN YOU FIND THE KITTY?
Reveille VI, the Texas A&M mascot, gave birth to 22 frisky kittens Sunday morning. Reveille is
shown above with the 1 5 felines she didn't eat.
A&M cultures debate continues
By Navin R. Johnson
The Jerk
Last night, the Texas A&M Senate
passed a bill that would require all
Texas A&M students to take 26 hours
in courses exploring different cul
tures. A&M President Jay Crowen
said that he has already decided to
veto the bill, but will wait until next
year, after 42 public hearings have
been held and students are really up
set about it.
“I really don’t think that now is a
time to kill the measure,” Crowen
said. “It is in the best interest of the
University to wait until this recom
mendation is misunderstood and
blown out of proportion. We first need
to give it a nickname like ‘public in
doctrination’ or ‘force feeding.’”
Ronald Crapp, president of the
A&M Status-Quo Society and a senior
cynic major, said he agrees with
Crowen’s decision to kill the bill next
year because students don't need any
more education on different cultures.
“Basically, I think that A&M has
come a long way over the past few
years,” Crapp said. “We let everyone
drink out of the water fountains now,
even the foreigners.”
Members of Texas A&M’s minority
population are enraged at Crowen’s
decision. They contend that A&M
should be on the forefront of fighting
discrimination and that the require
ment would better prepare graduates
for communicating in real world.
Pamela Wilkins, vice president for
Texas A&M’s minority population,
said the students and the University
should be proactive to solve this prob
lem. She said the Senate’s Require
ment would actually solve problems
around campus.
But Moby Boefig, student body
head guy, said that solving prob
lems is not in the interest of the
University.
“Students elect us so that we can
talk about things and have socials,”
Boefig said. “Just like the motto on
the back of our T-shirts says, ‘IT’S
NOT OUR PROBLEM, AGS.’
Boefig also said that The Buttalion
is more than likely the cause of prob
lems at A&M.
“Geez, man. Why do you guys have
to talk smack about A&M?” he asked.
“If you don’t talk about it, it’s not true
... so just shut up, for real. Gig ’em.”
A&M head cheerleader, Grady
“Aunt” Esther, agreed.
“I gotta little story for ya, Ags,”
Aunt Esther said. “This indoctrina
tion stuff is bad bull, Ags. We gotta
give this bill a horse’s laugh, Ags. We
gotta fight it. Army. Beat the hell out
ta this bill, Ags.”
Dr. Crayon Northerland, vice
president for student stuff, issued
an official press release yesterday,
discussing the University’s position
on the bill.
“Cultures is present at A&M,” the
release stated, “but we can work to
gether. A&M is a good school, and
students go to school here. A world-
class university has students who pay
tuition who want to graduate. We
have to examine the issues and then
take a look at them. I like A&M.”
The governor is expected to per
manently shut down the Universi
ty tomorrow.
STARVIN' FOR SBISA?
Rather than dine at Sbisa Dining Hall, Godzilla, a multi-year-old non-A&M student and the King of
Monsters, opts to consume a passenger train, full of passengers.
pressing construction priorities,” he
said.
Among the proposed alterna
tives are a second special events
center, a really big retreat center, a
pig farm, another football practice
field, and a plan that would desig
nate the area as permanent green
space.
“Basically we’re looking into any
thing but a library,” Snuffaluffagus
said. “The students at A&M already
have the best library in the world.”
Students reacted in characteristic
uniformity. At a political rally Satur
day night, students endorsed Clin
ton’s plan, held a candlelight vigil.
and marched on the MSC grass, car
rying signs that read, “Don’t let the
Bush library tarnish our liberal im
age.”
There was some dissent, however,
as a small fringe group met at The
Dixie Rooster. To express solidarity
and support of the Bush library, the
dissenters left their cowboy hats at
home and solemnly listened to Bar
bara Streisand records while sipping
Zimas.
“This campus needs the library,”
said Billy Bob “Bubba” Clampit, a ju
nior wildlife and fishing major. “How
else we gonna learn what a good con
servative is all about?”
Pay me, play me,
catch me, kill me
Aggies finally given 'Death Penalty ’
By Inigo Montoya
The Buttalion
The Texas A&M Football Team is
no more today after the NCAA handed
down the “death penalty” on the pro
gram for its record 74,231 violations
— including five consecutive false
starts in the biggest game of the year.
Although shockwaves resounded
across campus Sunday afternoon fol
lowing the announcement at Cain
Hall, those involved in the hearings
were far from surprised.
“I really knew we had gone too far
when we built the new parking garage
for illegal cars only,” Athletic Produc
er Wally Gruff said. “That and the 96-
foot statue of Greg Hill were a little
much.”
Texas A&M Head Football Coach
R.C. Yoakum opened up the press con
ference with an apology to fans of
A&M football everywhere.
“Well, sometimes you try your
damdest to get a guy to come to A&M,
and you know, you’re talking to him
and maybe you go fishing with his
pappy and Mm, and maybe when you
buy him that new fishing rod and reel
as a going-away present and send him
to Acapulco to try it out, maybe some
people don’t see that as being exactly
moral,” Yoakum said. “And then, let’s
say you make that same mistake, say,
74,230 more times over a 25-year peri
od. And all of a sudden, everyone
around you is pointing fingers and
saying He did this with so-and-so and
he paid such-and-such $8,900 on
March 31 by the MSC Fountain at
midnight.
“But once you start pointing fin
gers, you start talking about finger
pointing, and I don’t know nothing
about finger-pointing, just about foot
ball.”
Perhaps the most startling revela
tion of the NCAA investigations was
the fact that of the 4,000 players in
volved, a minimum of 144 were play
ing under false names and ranged in
age from 12 to 51.
One of those players, former tail
back Elroy McLeland, was present at
Cain Hall Sunday to give support to
Ms former school and said he would
not trade his
time at A&M for
anything in the!
world.
“Well sure I
missed the
eighth-grade
dance and tak-
mg Drivers’ Ed,”
said McLeland,
who it was re
vealed was 14
during Ms fresh
man year at
A&M, “But it
was fun getting
to see all those
neat cities and
getting free
drinks at every bar m town.”
Although the NCAA used the term
“death penalty,” officials later re
vealed that A&M will able to resume
the sport, or whatever football has
evolved mto, m the year 2214.
Mmutes after this announcement,
tickets went on sale for the 2214 sea
son opener between A&M and Guam
Polytech — a rather obscure school
which Yoakum rated as “one of the
top 10 schools between the 165th and
180th West longitudes.”
R.C. Slocum
Ah, the 1970s
Strange “Catalan” rules
A&M with iron fist
The former Evel Nokes may be only half
man, but he’s 100 percent AGGIE.
By H.l. McDonough
The Buttalion
Cat urine.
Most of us would never dream of
gettmg injected with it. But that is
exactly what happened to Texas A&M
student Evel Nokes late one Mght at
A.C. Butel m 1968.
“I just had a bad headache,” Nokes
said. “At first they said I was preg
nant then one of the doctors said that
was impossible because I had all
ready gotten my tubes tied. Then they
diagnosed me with cat scratch fever
and injected me with the urine be
cause apparently they were really
stupid.”
Two weeks later Nokes was a half
man, half-cat creature which scien
tists commonly refer to as “Darlene.”
He then went into hiding in the
steam tunnels underneath Texas
A&M but still summers on Cape Cod.
“I’m upset but I wouldn’t say I’m
bitter,” Nokes said. “Hey, I’m the only
guy I know who can give himself a
hath without a tub.”
Since then, Nokes has spent his
free time making every decision for
the Texas A&M regents and admmis-
tration. An out of court settlement
gave Nokes the power to do “whatever
the hell he wants.” But lately the
A&M admmistration has ignored the
settlement foremg Nokes to hi ackmail
people to get what he wants.
Nokes has been able to keep the
staff of The Buttalion on his side by
giving away free communist party
membersMps and lap dances from the
Aggie cheerleaders. A&M president
Jay Crowen is helpless to do anything
because of the pictures of him mis-
spelhng MSC in a game of Scrabble.
Vice President for Student Stuff
Dr. Crayon Northernland is power
less to act because of a video of him
singmg “I Can’t Get Over You, Until
You Get Out From Underneath Him.”
Regent chairwoman Very Bland East
no longer can act by herself because
Nokes owns every Iron Lung in the
world.
“I have a lot of stuff on a lot of
people,” Nokes said. “But if I told you
all of them, you probably wouldn’t be
lieve me. You’d
probably think it
was April Fool’s
Day or some
thing.”
It’s not that
people do not be
lieve Nokes, they
just do not be
lieve he exists.
“I was there
that night he
was injected
with that stuff,”
Rick Arthur, a
classmate of
Nokes said.
“There was no way that man is alive.
That man has to be seriously dead.
You’re making his death a big joke
like it was April Fool’s Day or some
thing.”
However, others have seen the
creature lurkmg in the steam tunnels.
“I was down M the steam tunnels
about a month ago,” Webster Pa-
padopolous said. “That thing scared
the hell out of me. Wait can I say hell
in this paper. What about....”
After several hard years Nokes
has finally come to grips with himself.
“I’m half-man/half-cat but I’m also
an Aggie,” Nokes said. “Meow!
Whoop! Meow! Whoop!”
Nokes
Happy April Fools Day! Happy April Fools Da