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The Battalion
Page 3 • Monday, March 29, 2004
Ex-rated relationships
By Eric Edwards
KRT CAMPUS
Mi
bst people have an ex or
two. Some have dozens.
There is the ex we never
nt to see again, the one who makes
shudder with revulsion and swear to
urselves that we will never again
3use mind-altering substances.
There is the one you think of when
ou catch a scent of her while you are
alking through a crowded mall.
And there is the one who is your
Idy. She calls, she chats, she wants
)know what’s going on. She wants to
eepyou in her life because for some
tason she likes you even when you
ren’t dating her.
All the exes have their places. They
take great horror stories, learning
xperiences and funny anecdotes
U,,
I ve never had a
girlfriend who didn't
think my most
recent ex was a
hideous, perverted
troll, lucky to not be
institutionalized...
— Eric Edwards
Orlando Sentinel columnist
e.,the time you thought you ran over one’s hamster until you learned
he didn't have a hamster but that the neighbors kept a Chihuahua. Oops.
But of all the kinds of exes in the world, there is one no one can stand.
Those, of course, are other people's exes — more specifically, the
mes belonging to our current girlfriends and boyfriends.
There is nothing amusing or entertaining about these people. They
vould be best left back in homeroom or on the team bus or on that
irst job where they belong. It's for sure they aren't doing much good
round here.
Except for a few I can't stand, I like most of my ex-girlfriends
ithough 1 don't have much of a relationship with any of them. We chat
in the phone from time to time, I might get a card around Christmas,
ndone will even call me from time to time to solicit my consultation
_> n work-related issues. I haven't started billing her yet, but that might
I d° an^ct be a bad idea.
While 1 go for long stretches without ever contemplating my exes or
beir whereabouts, I am getting the feeling that I mention them about
i,000 times too often for my present girlfriend.
That is to say 1 forgot the golden rule of exes: It may take fish three
lays to go bad, but it takes only about three minutes before your current
lirlfriend is sickened by the thought of your ex-girlfriend.
1 should know better.
Pam seems to have the whole thing figured out. If it weren't for my
inquisitive nature, I might think I'm the first person she has ever dated.
And formany people that bit of self-deception is worth a mountain of
Courtesy of • KRT CAMPUS
Ifs all fun and games in a relationship until one partner decides to move on.
their own in a game of new loves, broken hearts and avoidance at all costs.
contentment.
But other people's exes shouldn't annoy us so much. They should be
viewed as worn-out videos that our significant others once liked to
watch but are now completely bored with. Meanwhile, we are as shiny
and golden and interesting as a brand-new Oscar-winning movie.
Few people seem to have that sort of healthy attitude about other
people's exes. I've never had a girlfriend who didn't think my most
recent ex was a hideous, perverted troll, lucky not to be institutionalized
From there, each person, formally known as a boyfriend or girlfriend is on
for her bad taste in clothing.
And although I talk a good game, there was never an ex-boyfriend
out there whom I did not look upon as though he would be fortunate to
lick my boot heels. •
Our mothers might have raised us to say nothing if we can't find any
thing nice to say about someone, but when it comes to exes, the rule is:
If you can't find anything profoundly nasty to say about an ex, you're
just not trying hard enough.
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