November;
Hiesday.
, November 21, 2000
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'f Hlhese days it is not fashionable to be a conspiracy
theorist, but the simple fact is, conspiracies are be-
.. (h— — hind everything people hate. No one would like to
•‘YoudotB&nh that there is a guiding force behind their daily tri-
„ 1 1 J als and the pain they suffer throughout their lives.
iPainful divorces, the AIDS epidemic, the Bay of Pigs
disaster and countless Pennsylvania road accidents are
11 due to one diabolical group — the deer.
ed around .
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vear, Maj.|..
,edav, tt; .
Is it any coincidence that people shoot deer and not
d third prs
bison? For that matter, why do people shoot deer and not
, I ^. people? For the simple reason that deer kill.
I For proof of this, one need look no further than any Fox Television
I hursday night special. Every time you turn around, it is goring here and
loring there. Deer kicking people, poking them with their pointy antler
Ihingies, and yes, shiving children in the lunch line with sharpened spoons.
I Deer are the greatest public relations artists of modern times. They
■ass themselves off as cute and cuddly creatures, but some people will
■ot be fooled. Some can see past the charade of grass chewing, butterfly
Sniffing and joyful forrest romping to see these carnivorous head hunters
Bor what they are.
d theil ^ ie Michigan Militia, that bastion of American virtue, shoots deer by
. diitjyjjhe bushel. But even it is not fool enough to take on a deer without a trusty
Bucket launcher. Only a moron would dare oppose a deer unarmed.
Speaking of which, if one were to doubt the evil of the deer, one need
|ook no further than the exploits of the Crocodile Hunter — that resident
)f the upper cable channels who fights the most vicious animals on
iarth. Lines like, “This is the most venomous snake in the world,
low I am going to punch him in the face ... Oh he’s really miffed
now," have made the crocodile-hunting Aussie the most famous
inimal fighter in the world.
Yet, when has he ever fought a deer? If he is so tough, he would
lave shellacked those fuzzy little critters long ago. Still, he shies
away from a duel with the deer. This is not because he is a
‘bofty,” as the Australians might say — it is because deer kill.
In order to prove this assertion, one has to look back in histo
ry. There have been numerous hits ordered by deer, but we will
investigate only the most famous.
First, the assassination of JFK: Oswald, CIA ... or deer?
The data has always been sketchy on this killing, but if
one examines the film of the assassination closely, a
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theirspr pair of antlers can clearly be seen just over the grassy
knoll. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis did eventually
einony.I imarry an extremely hairy man who could well have
is, die $ {been a deer in disguise;
shoulderi | The second most obvious case of deer murder-
rfflitoroi 'Tor-hire was Sonny Bono. He ran into a tree, did
■ he? Poppycock!
ig forward'
remepM -
have had'r
Page 3
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disguise their lust for blood
He was pushed, I tell you, or perhaps he had to swerve to avoid an in
nocent-looking fawn.
It surely looked like Bambi in the scene after the hunters got his moth
er before he swerved, but it was a Bambi who talked with a Brooklyn ac
cent and sent people to sleep with the fishes.
Luca Brazzi the deer.
Perhaps I ramble because I hit a deer with my Ford Bronco
while taking my friend, let’s call him Orenthal, through the “woods”
in order to escape the “deer,” or Los Angeles Police Department.
In fact, none of this is happening, and deer do not hurt people.
Love them and pet them. But kill the little buckaroos if they look at
you wrong.
That is what the Second Amendment is all about. Killing wildlife.
Nothing is cooler than going to a wildlife reserve and shooting en
dangered deer and eating them with spotted owl dumplings.
I may disappear for writing this column — the deer do not like to
have their real activities publicized.
This man has tried to warn you. He has given everything to warn the
The assassination of JFK. Oswald,
CIA ... or deer? The data has al
ways been sketchy on this killing,
but if one examines the film of the
assassination closely, a pair of
antlers can clearly be seen just over
the grassy knoll.
citizens of the world about the deer.
Praise those who venture out to rid us of these psychotic assassins of
the animal kingdom. They save us from the hordes of malevolent deer
that would surely accumulate and euthanize mankind as a whole. The
fourth reich, the deer reich.
As for me, I will likely be sitting in my study, thinking of my summers
in Rangoon, pouring mustard on my chest and waiting. Waiting for the
day when the deer will come for their revenge. That day will come,
and when it does, I will sit in my overstuffed leather chair with
my shotgun in my hand and my chaw in my mouth.
But I will take hostages beforehand, and when the
great 10-point buck comes to throttle me, I will slaughter
the fawns like so many chickens at an Ozzy Osbourne
concert. Amen.
— Jason Bennyhoffis a senior journalism major
DriMion?'
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TKXAS AJkm
JR.
Iditor
Pat uree
W/Deryl Dodd & Houston Marchm.
Friday
November 24th
E-WALK
ASS OF 2002
Texas A AM University
Hus Operations
ttt
TO GIVE ME YOUR OPINION. GO TO
WWW-BUSOPS.TAMU.EDU, CLICK ON
THE VOTE LINK AND VOTE ON WHICH
BUS PAINT SCHEME YOU LIKE BEST.
TUESDAY
NOV. 21ST
flUITIN miliiaiffLL
.
THIRD & NUECES, AUSTIN, TX - WWW.AUST1NMUSICHALL.COM
■j- (512) 469-SHOW TO CHARGE IZZZm ffT
(512) 263-4146 FOR MORE INFO. ■£3^
Event Begins - 10:00 am
Games, prizes and elephants
Location - Law/Puryear Field
Fajita Lunch - (11:30 - 1:30)
Catered by - Mi Cocina
Walk, Speaker (Brant Ince '91),
and Class Picture
approx. 1:30
■M
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