I h u rsd ay, Aiigusi!
large
fault]
Beeville by Parker's;
hood friend, Robert!
37, whoisservingalv
sentence for conspire
murder his estranged!
Kimberly Lee.
Kimberly Lee was
napped and herthroa!
cut, but she survived
Lazenby said Lee,
has not been charged!
latest case, becameirali
summer when Luitjen
ommended his appei
be reviewed by the
Court of Criminal App;
With another
scheduled before Lint
Lee figured he'd hai
better chance with
judge out of the pick
investigators said,
ill be installed are the is
: Longmire Drive and i
ad and at Longmire ft
m drive," Robinson said
English major Kevin [k
ty's plan to replace the
n of magnetic loops wit
stem will be benefidal
current system does
spond to traffic as effect
ghts in larger cities, likeS
id Houston.
;ht, I've waited attheinli
George Bush [Drive] a
inue] for over ten m
different occasions,"
latever is currently hr
le city needs tobeu]
’s very annoying to wall
or the other directions coi
hange from red togiee:
are staring at a red
egun talking tolaraakers
nd business leaders.
The alumni are(
Tiristian, former press set'
itary to President Lyndon
ihnson; John Fainter, presi
ent of the Assodationol
lectric Companies of Tea
ic.; Larry Temple, at
aistin attorney; and Ken-
eth Jastrow 11, chaimff
nd of Temple-Inland Inc,
•iboll-based conglomeratf
Thursday, August 3, 2000
THE BATTALION
Buy 2nS, gSt 2 n&w
Today's advertisers create false visions of how Americans Si
lh£ ricjrt
Id live
haircut can
make you Grace
Jones, the right shoescan make you Ru Paul,
and castration can make
you Michael Jackson.
These are the types of
myths advertisers force
down the public's collec
tive throat like an8-
pound Wisconsin cheese
wheel down Oprah Win
frey. Thank God for
them, because we would
live in a soulless, hopeless world without them.
Advertisers seek to associate inane products
with desirable qualities outside themselves.
Tampons make women irresistible to men and
breath fresheners turn couich potatoes into
suave, leisure-suit-wearing pimps straight from
BUickspl2*2l22n film — just like in
real life. Advertisers feel people will buy prod
ucts if they think they will make them more
glamorous, more beautiful or less pathetic. The
fact is most people will never be as famous as
the stylish Monica Lewinsky or as sexy as the
ravishing Roseanne Barr. So why do advertisers
try to make them believe that the right toilet
cleaner will cure their halitosis and make them
movie stars?
fsuV^I’uS&'S do this because they love
us. If not for advertising, mankind would wal
low in its own filth, godless and blind, waiting
for its time to die. Thank God for the gift of ad
vertising; if not for that, I would pray to be cast
into hell where I could suffer for eternity rather
than living in this cesspool of hopeless human
ity.
The myth of the American Dream is that
everyone, with the right work ethic, can raise
himself from the pit of hell — let's call it "Col
lege Station" — to the peaks of heaven, also
knOwn as ‘HfcillywS’Sicr 1 1 Knowing that
most Americans hold this myth to be true, ad
vertisers use it to give the average peon hope.
Advertisers are the teaspoon of water to the
man in the desert; they are the Rohypnol to the
s£x addct and the opiate of the masses.
The greatest saint in this crusade to save the
human soul is the alcohol industry. It not only
provides people with a product that simultane
ously makes them forget their problems and
provides an excuse for marital infidelity, but it
gives people hope that no matter how hideous
they may be, at any given keg party they can
become beautiful. DlUnk^rm^SS is the
ultimate expression, drinking our national pas
time and vomiting our national sport.
However, there are those who vilify the alco
hol brewers. Some say alcohol causes liver
problems and is responsible for numerous dri
ving deaths. Many people believe these vicious
rumors are true. Who would dare cast asper
sions on the reputation of such upstanding citi-
Adv2rtis£rs s££k
t£ £ss£ci£t£
in£n£ pr£d£cts
with d£sir£bl£
q££liti£S ££tsid£
th£ms£lv£s.
zens as brewers? Only the people who are
against all that is good and wholesome about
America, that's who. The problem is that the
anti-drinking zealots are gaining momentum in
this country. It is up to the advertisers to protect
the reputation of the breweries and keep hope
alive for America. However, complaints against
businesses are only the second most important
problem in this country.
The biggest danger facing
the United States is not
cancer. It is not AIDS. It is
the dgy a d a ti 0 n and v
humiliation of advertisers.
Please note: The degrada
tion and humiliation of nor
mal people is just another rea
son to get up in the morning.
Dragging innocent people through the
mud, beating them and pulling down
their shorts in public is just a fact of
life, but hurting the people
who make life worth living
— the advertisers — is
downright sadistic.
Advertisers give the
average person hope and
entertainment, so why
are they not treated as
national assets? How
dare the liberal left
wingers say the
c2mm£rcia|-
iz3£n of our most
cherished traditions, like
church and monster tmck
rallies, is a bad thing? Really,
we want the pope's robes to be
made by Gucci because, let's face
it, he is just way behind. How can
putting John Paul II in a pair of
Gucci shoes and Versace leather pants
be a bad thing? Not only will it pro
vide work for even more sweatshop
laborers than ever, but it will enhance
the pope's legacy as a cooler, more
modem octogenarian.
This is what advertising is all about, and if
supporting that makes me a slave to "The Man'
then call me a man-whore and whip me be
cause this is what mikes MS worth
while
RUBEN DELUNA/The Battalion
kTTALIOK
Beverly Mireles
Editor in Chief
;n #1055-4726) is published daily, Mo-;
during the fall and spring sera* ‘
Thursday during the summer session IS
is and exam periods) at Texas ASM Umef
ige Paid at College Station.TX 77840.$
iddress changes to The Battalion,TaasSi 1
TAMU, College Station,IX 77843-1111.
ilion news department is maiiagedh 1
A&M University in the Division ol St*
the Department of Journalism. Newso;?
McDonald Building. Newsroom phoned
i-2647; E-mail: ThebattalionUtotMhf
'battalion.tamu.edu
ilication of advertising does not impll?
sement by The Battalion. For campus,®
play advertising, call 845-2696. F»4 s
call 845-0569. Advertising offices H
nald, and office hours are 8 ajn.toiT'
Friday. Fax: 845-2678.
I part of the Student Services Fee er®
I student do pick up a single copy <1'
opy free, additional copies 251. Ma l; -
10 per school year, $30 lor the fall d 5 ;
0 for the summer and $10 pern* 1 *
MasterCard, Discover, or American ft*®
Halii 1
FM 2818
Fanil
/estridge
hies:
H
T FACILITIES
IDENTS
ro A&M
LOM CAMPUS)
= Literary classic
0 = A cut above
C = Passable reading
= Don't buy it
F" = Waste of paper
Sophie's World
Jostein Gaarder
Berkeley Books
Book courtesy of Barnes
& Noble
Sophie's World, a some
times painfully ambitious
novel by Jostein Gaarder,.
weaves the story of almost-
15-year-old Sophie Amund
sen and a long-winded
course on philosophy into a
mystery novel that leaves the
reader wondering where fic
tion ends and reality begins.
In the first few pages,
young Sophie begins receiv
ing mysterious letters from
an unknown philosopher, as
well as postcards for a young
girl, Hilde Knag. The letters,
each a small treatise on dif
ferent highlights in philo
sophical thought, build on
each other until Sophie
meets her secret correspon
dent and teacher, the
philosopher Alberto Knox.
Together, they talk philoso
phy and eventually uncover
the reason for the cryptic
postcards.
The novel spans a few
months in Sophie's life and
several hundred years of
thought, with chapters high
lighting great thinkers from
Democritus to Kierkegaard.
Each chapter outlines a par
ticular mode of thought or
philosopher, and Gaarder
uses Sophie's curiosity as a
way to further delve into
passages or ideas that could
prove difficult for readers to
digest the first time around.
For anyone looking for an in
troduction into philosophy,
this book is the perfect
chance to learn a great deal
about the basics without too
much effort.
However, there is a price
to all of this philosophic
prognostication — the read
er must wade through al
most 150 pages before the
mystery beings to take
shape, and, to be blunt, for
the novel to register any
thing truly interesting. More
troubling is the occasionally
patronizing, always lectur
ing, method in which the
philosophy is imparted.
Once Sophie and Alberto
meet, her interjections are, at
, best, half-hearted attempts
by the author to recreate the
Socratic method outlined in
the book's earlier chapters.
At worst, they only keep the
reader from putting the book
down after Knox, or Gaarder,
rather, drones on for pages at
a time about which ever
philosopher is at hand.
Gaarder has to be given
credit for trying to combine
philosophical thought and
contemporary fiction, but
unless readers enjoy being
continuously lectured, So-
phie's World will not hold
their interests for long.
(Grade: C)
— Beverly Mireles
Naked Came the
Manatee
Carl Hiaasen, editor
Fawcett Publishing
Book courtesy of Barnes
& Noble
What should one do
when a manatee named
Booger leaves the cryogeni-
cally frozen head of Fidel
Castro on one's doorstep?
This is the plot of Naked
Came the Manatee. This dark
mix of espionage and screw-
ups set in Cuban Miami is an
honorable attempt to repro
duce Douglas Adams' dry
wit while incorporating a
uniquely Floridian flavor.
The plot revolves around
an obese gangster, a 102-
year-old environmentalist,
an ambitious reporter, a
sleazy lawyer and former
president Jimmy Carter —
who are all pursuing the
cryogenically frozen head of
Cuba's dictator for their own
diabolical purposes. The
problem arises when more
heads begin showing up in
the process.
Of course this absurd plot
is beyond believable, but
keep in mind the actual hi-
jinks of the CIA in its assassi
nation attempts on Castro,
using "heroic" techniques
like exploding cigars.
The book has 13 chapters,
each written by a different
See Book on Page 4.
W
orship
Directory
Catfiotk.
Church of Christ
REE
St. Mary’s
Catholic Center
603 Church Avenue in Northgate
(979)846-5717
www.agaiecatholic.ora
Pastoral Team
Rev. Michael J. Sis, Pastor
Rev. David A. Konderla, Associate Pastor
Campus Ministers - Deacon Bill Scott,
Martha Tonn, Lillian Smith
Maureen Murray, Heidi Nicolini
Daily Masses
Mon.-Fri.: 5:30 p.m.
Sat.: 10:30 a.m. (Korean)
Weekend Masses
Sat: 5:30 p.m. (English),
7:00 p.m. (Spanish)
Sun.: 9:00 a.m., 11:00 a.m., 7:00 p.m.
Bryan / College Station Church of Christ
Sunday
Wednesday
Bible Class 9:00 a.m.
Bible Class 7:00 p.m.
Worship 10:00 a.m.
Worship 6:00 p.m.
College Station Conference Center
(Just across George Bush from TAMU Golf Course)
(409)731-1230
Email:
mark-d @ tamu.edu
United Methodist
We’ve
Moved!!!
CarePlus Medical
has relocated to temporary facilities in the
Lacks Shopping Center behind Quizno's.
Summer hours:
CarePlus Medical:
8:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m.
Mon. - Sat.
1:00 - 7:00 p.m. Sunday
A&M United Methodist
417 University Dr. (on Northgate) • 846-8731
Sunday Services; 8:50 & 11:00 a.m.
College Sunday School 9:45
Sr. Pastor Jerry Neff
www.am-umc.org
We apologize
for any inconveniences!
-'Mb’
CarePlus^Hi
696-0683
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