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AGGlEh
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THE BATTALION
HeU on Bar
Summertime in Texas mag
T he beach is a sym
bol of summertime
freedom. Nothing
says summer more than
herds of college students
frolicking in the sand,
their taut bodies glisten
ing under a thin sheen of
putrid water from the gi
ant toilet we call the ocean.
As their hormones call them toward one-
night stands with random members of the op
posite or perhaps the same sex, whose physi
cal features seem to blur strangely amid the
sweltering heat and cheap beer fumes, 1 sit on
my wicker chair sipping a Mint Julep, taking
gentle puffs on my Monte Cristo reminiscing
about why I hate summer.
There is really nothing wrong with the
idyllic summer — cool breezes blowing
through the hair of beautiful people on the
beach. Packed concert schedules combined
with the summer movie season liven up the
nights, when relaxing with Dostoyevsky's
greatest works and warming a brandy (while
sitting in an overstuffed leather chair in a
smoking jacket seems a bit slow). Summer is
supposed to be a time when days of heart
pounding parasailing are followed by nights
at clubs where the
music is as
smooth as the
Italian leather of
the best Oscar De
La Renta shoes.
The people are kept dry and odor free
in the balmy weather without a hint
of decomposing bodily secretions.
However, this is Texas, where
everything is bigger, dumber,
smellier, uglier and corn fed.
Summer at Texas A&M
University combines every
thing bad about summer
and magnifies it, while
exterminating all that is
good about it as quick
ly as possible. The dai
ly events that were bad
during the year become
outright evil as classes run
five days a week, turning a
student's mind into a diseased
pustule oozing sentence fragments and trun
cated pleas for water like the viscous white
substance that accumulates at the corner of
said student's mouth when he hasn't had
anything to drink.
Texas summers bring out the ugly in people,
or maybe they just bring out the ugly people.
?out this. I couldn't!
e Twelfth Man is legendarl
jHT
Night
FREE all nil
night
til 11 p.m.
RUBEN DELUNA/The Battalion
Summer at A&M is a time of
renewal. A time when the most
hideous physical specimens feel that
even they can be as beautiful and vibrant
as the most Stunning of supermodels.
Summer in Aggieland is the time when
even those who weigh in at a "deuce to a
deuce-and-a-half" have delusions of
grandeur fueled by the images of thong-clad
beauties parading on television. They feel
that they too can transform their pasty-white
ham hock thighs into shapely, curved ap
pendages and wear the most revealing of
fashions. Wrong.
Even for those lucky enough to avoid the
hell of summer school, summer work is
upon them. I say them, because my fra
ternity brethren and I will be lying back
on our lawn chairs in front of my fa
ther's Dominion townhouse laugh
ing at the vermin who toil shorten
ing the thousand square yards of
grass. 1 fairly squeal with glee as 1
anticipate watching them grow
slowly more dehydrated in the
Texas heat. There is a provision in
their contract to keep them away
from the water hoses and faucets
until all the work is done. Se
curity searches them for hid
den liquids at the gate, and
anyone caught drinking is
dragged before me and
forced to kiss my Gucci
shoes as I slowly sip an
extra dry martini. When
they tire me, they are
taken behind the carport
and throttled with a 1962
Rolls Royce tire iron. Of
course, for those who have not
destroyed their minds with
Copenhagen and Schljtz consumed en
masse during the ever-offensive Hart
Stoopouts, there are always internships.
Internships are divided into two categories.
First, there are those that pay an obscene
amount of money, for example working
in my father's oil refiner}' — the offices
of course — and those that pay noth
ing. Working in that black pit of tar
and tears known as the "refinery
floor," where we take no respon
sibility for personal injury, is of
course an internship that pays
nothing. Nothing that is except
for the knowledge that what
ever unknowing souls enter
will never return, but instead be
stashed in a dark, damp corner with
all of society's other mistakes.
In the refinery's offices, only the
highest class are admitted, work is
sparing, and the bourbon-toting lackeys are
plentiful. Here is where the world's decisions
are made. In rooms like this one all over the
world, society's greatest men and their fa
vorite college-enrolled sons make decisions
on how everyone else will live. No women
are allowed to participate in these decisions
as the offaj that is estrogen leaves its stain on
the minds of all men. Not to mention the fact
that if is summer, and there's no time for
mysogyny like summer.
The last summer tradition, and the great
est, is the degradation of women. There is
no time when women feel more overweight,
unworthy of love and downright hideous
than when they try to force themselves into
bathing suits they wore when they were 13
years old. Women live their lives normally
in all but the summer months, when they
suddenly realize that there is a societally im
posed necessity to show skin and lots of it.
So
they
then
spend
count
less hours
running, lift
ing and sweat
ing to produce
just one picture
where they look good
in a bikini and hook the
perfect man. Both pursuits are
in vain, and they end the sum
mer miserable, single and feeling
violated by the realization that the
man they thought would bring them
eternal happiness is married and has
hideous genitals.
Hooray for summer.
cflofie Paeq*us4ustf GenteM,
I • * OF BRAZOS VALLEY
STILL HURTING FROM A
PAST ABORTION?
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♦ Help for Symptoms of Abortion Trauma
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Call and ask for the PACE (Post Abortion
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846-1097
3620 E. 29TH ST • BRYAN
www.rtis.com/hope
Creatine Kilo
Sale
*49.99
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*9.99
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NOW ACCEPTING
AGGIE BUCKS!!!
Post Oak Mall
696-6159
Freedom Blvd.
(across from Super Walmart in Bryan)
774-9699
August Graduates
The Official
Texas A&M
Graduation Announcements
Order via the web!
http://graduation.tamu.edu
All orders and payments must be received by
June 16!
MSC Box Office
M-F 9:00am-4:30pm
979-845-1234
1-888-890-566-7
:or in Chief
c Dickens, Opinion Editor
see Flood, Sports Editor
lart Hutson, Sci/Tech Editor
Beato, Photo Editor
ben Deluna, Graphics Editor
indon Payton, Web Master
iy students at Texas A&M
f Journalism. News offices are ioOif
Fax: 845-2647; E-mail: Thebatt# 1
aply sponsorship or endorsement-
irtising, call 845-2696. For classifie/ 1
eed McDonald, and office houisa* 1
titles each Texas A&M student to
copies 25$. Mail subscriptions are-';;
) for the summer or $10 a month.! 11 -
ill 845-2611.
Monday through Friday during#
; the summer session (except Uni#
iodicals Postage Paid at College St< : ;
lattalion, Texas A&M University, iH’T
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.ISO 4 ilcur Orinlcs Sl.SSiS l-on^nicyclist $521.SO ff*!t:<cN<etr:s
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Rodeo 2000 / Viper Club 1600B S. College Brvan Tx. 979-823-6111
We’ve Moved!!!
CarePlus Medical
has relocated to temporary facilities in the
Lacks Shopping Center behind Quizno's.
Summer hours:
CarePlus Medical:
8:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m.
Mon. - Sat.
1:00 - 7:00 p.m. Sunday
We apologize for any inconveniences!
CarePlus
696-0683
10% A&M / Blinn Student Discount
(self-pay only)