Friday, Maid if.
SATURDAY
April 1,2000
Volume 001 ~ Issue 001
1 page
OI:*'* ^; Mr;’* • I iW t'i 11J J i k'J ^ IW i U
Teletrouble
i with keynote speaker Dii'
r of curriculum and
ducation, at thegrandopc
norial Student Center
imboree Friday will be
al. It will feature
rs in performance at
7:30 p.m. A reception
6:30 p.m.
shops will he held throir
are designed for youngt
tterested in learningtouscy
classroom setting,
wrap up w ith The Cut
program w hich features;!
from various cultures,(?i
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Lands will immediatelyf?
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kshop at the Bush Library-
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ill allow senior members;
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sues. Paterson has senei
duatc faculty at TexasAi
987. and currently sens
met professor of educatK
stration.
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tween his position as dire;
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I with him on the Divisiot
Affairs Staff. Dr. Paten
a do a wonderful job.lif
ost respect for him. Bre
nd shining star in ourf
aid Dr. Kevin Jackson,
udent activities.
Robo wins SBP election
... by default; Students give a collective, “Eh, whatever”
BY EL GUARD
The Battalion
In a surprising turn of events, Robo, a candidate once thought to
be just a cartoon character, won the Student Body President elections
by default.
The events began with Bob Hammers winning Student Body Pres
ident. As he stood on his platform about to give his acceptance speech,
an anvil with the words “30 TONS” written on it fell out of the sky and
landed on him. Tragically, Hammers was not carrying an umbrella at
the time to break the impact and was crushed to death.
Robo immediately denied having anything to do with the incident
and reluctantly took the position of Student Body President-elect. Robo
said he would continue Hammer’s legacy of programs, while adding
more popular ones to the agenda, including Robo’s immensely popular
“No Fat Chicks” policy. He decided not to include his unpopular “Kill
All Organic Life” policy.
Texas A&M University President Dr. Chester J. Gowen seemed to
not care about the turn of events, saying they would not affect student
life on campus as long as “the dice keep rollin’ and the ho’s keep ho’in.”
Gowen was rather annoyed with Robo’s hard-to-understand ro
bot dialect.
“You speak English? What kind of inbred butt-monkey are you,
boy?” Gowen said. “Se hablar ingles? You understanding any of this,
you little metallic freak?”
After vaporizing Gowen with his thermal disintegrator, Robo ad
mitted to illegal activities in the past.
“It is true that 1 inhaled,” Robo said. “And that I exhaled, then in-
SAUL GOODE/Thi; Battalion
New Student Body President-elect Robo celebrates his unex
pected windfall.
haled again. Puff, puff, give, man. You can’t mess up the rotation. And
you know the Baldwin brothers? I had sexual relations with them. All
of them. But never with a cigar ... I think.”
Continued on Page 13.
SAUL GOODE/Thh Battalion
Disgruntled fifth Teletubby, the lesser-known “Steve,” whose real name is Zee-
bo William Joshua, attacks Albritton Tower after being dismissed from the hit
PBS children’s television show. When asked why he was let go from the show,
Joshua replied, “Dotodo,” and some additional unintelligible gibberish.
Block of wood replaces SBP
for remainder of semester
Singers lost at sea; Aggies grieve
BY TWELVE ACROBATIC LLAMAS
WITH A TYPEWRITER
The Battalion
■ Singer/Songwriters Robert Earl Keen, David
— , ■ "lien Coe, Cory Morrow, Pat Green and Lyle Lovett
OUnCldy Ire missing and presumed dead as their plane disap
peared in the lesser known Easter Island Nonagon (as
imer’s Association/BU Ipposed to the more widely known Bermuda Trian-
' Family Support Group gle) early yesterday morning,
ave a meeting of cari(tp| The live Aggie legends were on their way to Col-
ig the various problem lege Station to perform at their benefit concert “Beat
ered in taking cared'-' the hell outta environmentalism.”
ones suffering from(fei Aggies were devastated by the announcement,
3:00 p.m. at The Convt- leaving many bewildered, confused and frantically
yterian Church Office*] looking for other traditions to mindlessly follow,
ohool (the red buildings^ “I think I’m going to start listening to rock and/or
ight). For more informs toll styles of music.” said Curtis Jack, a senior Legos
3t at 690-9232 (anytime lngineeringmajor.‘T heard some music by this band
3t 693-8707 (evenings Nirvana and really loved it, but then I found out the
Head singer, Kurt Cobain committed suicide. 1 was re-
Monday | ally bummed out until my roommate told me the oth-
Hr members formed a band called Foo Fighters and 1
Zeta: There will be if want t0 see if they’re any good.”
leeting at 7:00 p.m, iihf The staff of Reed Arena held an emergency meet-
13.
ing last night to decide what to do with Reed Arena,
which will have no function now that these legends
are lost and presumed dead.
“Well, we discussed what options we would have
with the arena now and a few good options came up,”
said Jimmy James, chair of marketing for Reed Arena.
“My favorite was turning the arena into some sort of
Roman Coliseum. We could hold chariot races and pit
bronze-clad Corps members against man-eating
tigers.”
When MSC OPAS suggested replacing the
schedule of country acts with more cultured pro
gramming, the board laughed hard for several min
utes straight, regained their composure, then contin
ued on with the meeting.
The next act to come to Reed Area is the long
awaited battle of Monkeys vs. Robots, which sopho
more pimpology major Big Daddy Bubba Kane is
looking forward.
“I’m rooting for the robots,” Kane said. “Monkeys
are ferocious creatures, but I don’t think they stand
much of a chance against the futuristic atomic
weaponry of Robots.”
Kane was also excited about the possible last
minute additions of Giant Exploding Mexican Chick-
BY THE EVIL MIDNIGHT BOMBER WHAT
BOMBS AT MIDNIGHT
The Battalion
In a surprising move yesterday, A&M Pres
ident Chester J. Gowen replaced current Stu
dent Senate with the cast of “Muppet Show
Tonight” and Student Body President Layne
Meyers with a block of wood.
“It seemed like a good move at the time,”
Gowen said. “Of course I made this decision
after accidently taking NyQuil and DayQuil
pills at the same time and becoming temporar
ily insane.”
During an amazing first day, the block of
wood actually solved campus parking, created
more funds for student organizations while at
the same time balancing the University budget
to avoid any student fee increases next year.
“If I would have known pieces of lumber
made such good political leaders, I would have
voted for the block of wood in the first place,” said
Mike Oates, a senior donkey juggling major.
The new muppet senate also had a good
first session with special guest stars Michael J.
Fox and Andie MacDowell.
“I belief-a ve-a hed a fery prudooctife-a
furst meeting. Bork! Bork! Bork!” Sweedish
Chef said. “Ve-a gut ooor feet vet und cuuked
up sume-a greet ideas thet vill reely sheke-a
und beke-a this cempoos up. Hurty flurty
schnipp schnipp!”
Among the bigger plans discussed were the
proposals made by Gonzo for the construction
SAUL GOODE/Thi Battalion
Although a softspoken man of few words, Block of wood’s speech last night moved
audiences to tears.
of a Super Karate Death Monkey Car.
“Well, it has to be really fast and dead
ly,” Gonzo said. “And it has to hold a lot of
monkeys.”
Plans for the Super Karate Death Monkey
Car are expected to pass because of Gonzo’s
previous success with his Super Conducting
Monkey Collider project, which astounded the
scientific community by showing what hap
pens when monkeys collide at sub-light
speeds. Other proposals by Gonzo included a
psychological study of what happens when
people are poked by a stick repeatedly.
The replacement has been so successful
that Gowen is considering replacing the Fac
ulty senate with the cast of Fraggle Rock.
“I really love what the block of wood and
muppets have done for this campus,” Gowen
said. “They are all very smart and fun people
and I love them all. Except for Gonzo, he
keeps poking me with a stick.”
The block of wood will preside over the
student senate until Robo, next year’s SBP and
our fearless leader, takes over the position.
nan Leaders in Prop
asino 2000! ihiss# institute of Useless Facts
7:00-12:00p.m. 2odf-
$5 at the door “garni publishes IlCW Study
inces for a variety op | n g new stuc jy polished by jbe Institute of Use
less Facts, people admitted to not reading articles
; published involving new studies. These articles
seemed to bore people and also cause blatant ho
mosexuality in sea monkeys.
The study shows that you probably didn’t even
bother to read this article in the first place. I could
o at 7:00-8:30 p.m, at 1 ! say whatever I want and you wouldn’t read it. Like za-
s Lutheran Church I# gnatious. See that? I just made up a word and there’s
News in Brief
or Yamaha
Tuesday
Lutherans Treehouse
a bible study, fun,
orthgate.
[ON
Vf T 1 •
i Chief
ng, Sports Editor
yhott. Radio Producer
lyton, Web Master
lecek, Graphics Editor
ina, Graphics Editor
:, Photo Editor
hoto Editor
r. Science and Technology EiL'
its at Texas A&M UniveisityC
sm. News offices are in 013p;
-2647; E-mail: ThebattalioiK'"'
tsorship or endorsement tf lf
all 845-2696. Forclassifietla*;
onald, and office hours are8^
h Texas A&M student to pick;;
5tf. Mail subscriptions are$'"
ill.
through Friday during the fa 1
ner session (except Univeisitf: lasses on.
ostage Paid at College!
a, 015 Reed McDonald I
nothing you can do about it. Zeem zabbly zaam zoom
;dang. I’m dancing around like a little girl and you don’t
ven know about it. Screw all you hippies.
Studies also showed that previous studies were
rang and those responsible for this error have been
acked. Newer studies show people who read to the
nd of new studies articles should be zagnatiously
acked and ... oh, what the hell, if you’re still reading
his make up your own endjng.
LLLTL, others make plan
or ‘Reveille Infinity’ mascot
Representatives from the 12th Man Foundation,
he Association of Former Students and Student
Leaders for Leadership and Leading Tomorrow’s
-eaders (SLLLTL) announced today during a joint con
ference that there would be changes made to Texas
3&M’s mascot situation. The conference unveiled
ilansfor “Reveille Infinity,” a genetically modified ca-
line that will, according to a 12th Man Foundation
irochure, “Live forever and ever or until Aggies resi
ze they don’t need a shaky, spastic dog from an ever-
man duuowipuuuo aio j . , , , —. . , „
ummer or $10a month. TocT decreasing gene pool to represent their school.
The new immortal First Lady of Aggieland will
ollow the current Reveille VI, as soon as she
"We’re just flat tired of replacing Miss Reveille
na'am every 10 years or so,” said Dr. Julius Fink, an
A&M professor. “Something had to be done about
that bitch keeling over from seizures and [stuff].”
According to Patrick Kissinger, treasurer for
SLLLTL, A&M’s current mascot’s health and spo
radic outbursts of aggression toward preschool
ers made her a liability.
“Yeah, when she damn near pulled that kid’s
hand off we figured the University needed a new
alternative. We’re going to have Reveille VI put to
sleep at the end of this month, at which point the
new, never-dying Reveille Infinity will take over as
the highest ranking member of the Corps.”
UT creates ultimate-fighting
mech, A&M responds in kind
On Thursday, the University of Texas shocked
the scientific community by creating the ultimate
UT student, Mecha-Commie-Hippie 2000. UT
cloned the DNA of rich white drunken frat boys,
feminist lesbian poets, unbathed drag rats, veg
etarian student activists, dope-smokin’ student
athletes and Matthew McConaughey in order for
these cloned individuals to be linked up into the
giant mech Mecha-Commie-Hippie 2000(MCH).
Horrified beyond belief, A&M decided to create
a mech of their own to fight the evil powers of lib
eralism spread by MCH. A&M cloned the DNA of
backwoods, gap-toothed rednecks, Christian fun
damentalists, alpha-male Corps members, fake-
blonde/fake-tanned sorority girts, dope-smokin’
student athletes and David Allen Coe to form the
Mecha-Aryan-Conformist 1936.
The two decided to duke it out at the neutral
ground of Texas Tech, where they could lay waste
to the land without pretty much anyone noticing
or caring. But in the middle of the epic battle,
Pokemons Pikachu and Jiggly Puff destroyed both
mechs in less than a minute, proving once again
you can’t get enough of that Jiggly Puff.
Parking solution:
lose Century Tree
BY MANSERVANT HECUBUS
The Battalion
The on-campus parking problem at
Texas A&M will be alleviated slightly
next week with the addition of one more
parking space on A&M’s main campus.
The new space, already designated “24-
hour reserved,” will be located at the cur
rent site of the Century Tree, a large,
spanning oak tree located near the Aca
demic Building on main campus.
Director of Parking, Traffic and
Transportation Services (PTTS) Navin
R. Johnson is enthusiastic about the fu
ture parking space.
“We’re really excited about putting
this additional parking space into ser
vice,” he said. “Hopefully this will
give relief to the entire [parking] situ
ation at A&M.”
To dear room for the 8-by-15 foot
parking space the Century Tree will be
cut down and mulched into small
chips. According to Johnson, the deci
sion to cut the tree down and replace it
with a parking space was an easy one.
“When you think about it really,
[the decision] was quite simple. Right
now the tree is just kinda taking up
space on campus, space that our facul
ty sorely needs.”
Faculty Senate speaker Dr. Otto
Von Bismark said he fully supported
PTTS’s efforts to improve parking on
main campus.
“I believe PTTS has made the right
decision in designating the new space a
yellow one. Many students don’t realize
professors sometimes have to park at the
back of the faculty lots on campus. That
means an extra 25-to 35-foot walk just
to get to their office. That’s ridiculous.”
However, some student’s reaction
to the PTTS decision has been decid
edly negative. Acting Student Body
President Block of wood said he was
not certain, but thinks he might repre
sent the student body on this issue.
“I have a meeting with PTTS officials
this afternoon. Hopefully, the University
will listen to the all-important voice of the
student body and a fair decision can be
reached similar to that reached with Aggie
Alley.” The Block of wood then added,
“Huh? What do you mean they shut down
the alley? I — I can’t believe it. ”
When asked about student reaction to
replacing the Century Tree, an on cam
pus staple that many students consider a
tradition, Johnson defended the PTTS
decision. “I know some little [students]
will [complain] and moan about the tree
being a tradition and whatever, but then
again, A&M also has a proud tradition of
cutting down mature, necessary trees. I
consider this move just continuing a very'
proud and long-standing tradition.”
Interview
with Benigni:
"Eh, howjou
saaaaay..."
Midget basketball team
gets first win !!!
132-0 over Ms. Smith’s
Second grade class
Li
Feces
Throwing:
The pros
and cons
Like you really
Listen anyway...
Try
www.pics-of-yo-momma.com
(Its one of our favorites)