The Battalion. (College Station, Tex.) 1893-current, November 16, 1999, Image 5

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

    hing you’re
ly be just likethai,[r
)her Walken is rer
w what I mean?"
-s her shoulder-la
each ear, dis|
face and Bette
d in black leather
; bracelet made
icycle chain. Her
d.
attalion
A
GGIELIFE
J^a»e^j^Tuesda^NovembeH6jJ^99 i
Wheel
>
llercoasters an exciting pastime, but their limitations must be understood
nu
ly Nails
) the Best!! nen
rglass
f
;ages
? Nail Art
751
:p. Dec. 2,1999
h-a-lot
liscount.
S p.m.-9p.m. )
n.-Z:30 p.m.j
n.)
$25 Cash
-6117
eople love to have fun. Ask any
renowned psychoanalyst and
he will say, “The human being
■ as a natural need for recreational
| ctivity to relieve compounded
^^s, to formulate social bonds and
!§) function in cooperative social
jdures. ” Ask anybody else and
ey will say, “Well duh!”
■people are on a constant search
Dilun, whether it be playing checkers, flying kites or
Hiking shot glass after shot glass of flaming fuzzy
lalels. When one is not having fun, however, one
^Hns all the more to have that source of fun near
^^^Hself. And as it just so happens, the things most fun
■ ire the things farthest away — namely rollercoasters.
Htollercoasters are a gem of man’s achievement,
^Hcing just behind world peace and taco meat. But
people know the history of rollercoasters, their
gSong-forgotten past and dazzling heritage of thrilling
““^eas. Rollercoasters evolved from prehistory, when an
^^usement park ride was merely a giant palm leaf
down the side of a mountain. Of course this was
? dangerous and merited a PG-13 rating for cave-
. Several thousand years later the rollercoaster
revolutionized with the advent of the wheel,
i’s boon to locomotion. Instead of simply tumbling
n the jagged sides of mountains only to lie in pain
tt the bottom of a ravine, primordial thrill-seekers had
:h| new luxury of tumbling down the jagged sides of
Reejiii mountains again, only this time they had wheels to sit
^^^Hl rest on once the bottom was reached.
■Many thousands of years (and concussions) later,
Pedk thl rollefcoaster developed into the progenitor of to
day’s model. Using the railroad technology that pro-
$2 ofUpaled American prospectors into the Golden Age, ear-
Ho'O lylechnicians in West Texas designed the first
' commercial rollercoaster, lovingly named “The Wacki
est Railroad This Side of the Pecos. ” The name was
soon shortened to “rollercoaster” because of its sim
plicity and because residents of Ohio could not care
less about this Pecos character and his many mules.
But because the technicians of frontier America did
not pay their lab fees, they had no instruments to en
sure the ride’s safety. Some problems the early roller
coaster faced were the shocking death rate of the hors
es that pulled the cars around the tracks, the
gumming-up of tracks due to excessive chewing to
bacco and the way Clint Eastwood characters would
always shoot their way to the front of the line.
■ Fortunately, today’s rollercoaster riders can enjoy
a thrilling experience without worry about many
complications. Thanks to the blessings of better
safety requirements, higher quality construction ma
terials and cheaper foreign manufacturing, modern
rollercoasters can feature a variety of exciting twists,
turns, loops and coils.
Yet despite modern man’s technological advantage
over the past, problems still persist in the world of
rollercoasters. Rollercoasters still occasionally get
stuck on the track. This usually occurs when news
programs are running low on tragic stories to cover
and decides to hire Vinny to stir up some “news.” If
one is on a rollercoaster when such a malady occurs,
the best thing to do is to calmly assess the situation,
determine the cart’s location on the track, and then
passionately thrust one’s tongue into a neighbor’s
mouth as if it is the last moment one will ever live.
Another ailment modern rollercoasters must en
dure is the likelihood of derailment. Derailment occurs
when the car’s wheels become unaligned with the
track and jump off of its predetermined course. This is
most often caused by foreign substances obscuring
the track, such as coins, candy or Fabio’s hormone
laden Uberblood. If one is on a rollercoaster that de
rails, follow the same procedures prescribed for stuck
rides, only this time aim for the ear. If one is merely in
line for the ride and is able to help others in danger,
make sure to get a good shot of the mishap on the
camcorder and cash in later. Derailment can be avert
ed by keeping tracks clean and maintained by simply
mounting brooms to the nose of the front car and jani
tors to the rear of the back car.
The most crucial problem facing modern roller
coasters is the one hardest to see. The structures of
rollercoasters are held together by countless screws,
nails, nuts, bolts and other euphemisms for sex. With
each cycle of the ride, the coaster’s structure is violent
ly shaken, eventually calising the conjoining media to
loosen. If left unabated, this problem can bring down
the entire foundation of the rollercoaster, causing a
tremendous crash, a billow of airborne dust and a
flood of screams from terrorized thrill-seekers (all of
which will most likely prompt passersby to take notice
and form a line outside the rubble).
If one-takes a moment to think deep, to consider
the fundamental truth of things, one will realize that
the ailments so common among rollercoasters are
quite similar to those found in people as well.
Considering this, the worse problem among
rollercoasters is the worse problem among people:
Despite all their bells and whistles, they inevitably
get boring. This happens among coasters and citi
zens when they lose their originality; when their
most outstanding features become as uniform and
placid as a merry-go-round.
And, yet, as there is hope for improvement among
rollercoasters, there is hope for people. Given that the
nature and cause of coaster problems are similar to
those of people, it only makes sense that the solution
to the problems be similar as well. If one feels stuck
on the inclined track of life, simply send an envelope
full of money to the local news program; they will
treat you right. If one is nearing the edge of their
coaster-nerve and is likely to derail, tie a broom to the
front of one’s pants and a janitor to the back. Its a
whole new perspective! And if one’s conjoining media
are loosening, get Viagra.
Viewed in the proper light, people can be as
unique, complex and thrilling as rollercoasters. No
GABRIEL RUENES/Tm: Battalion
two individual models are the same; each has its own
bag of tricks, its faithful fanfare, and its unexplainable
magnetism to others. But take heart in knowing that
people and rollercoasters do afford some essential dif
ferences. One cannot effectively seek out fun from a
madhouse after being committed for trying to have a
conversation with The Ultra-twister. And likewise, one
cannot expect to go unrebuked after trying to board
another person. That is, unless one has purchased a
season pass.
Jacob Huval is a sophomore
English major.
i v.,
ycd Pea.)
lies early, cpou.cooii
J
SivS ! TlI
nents
■ceive $100
your deposit!
88-222-5108
toll free
I 1 per apartment.
• expires 12-31-99.
e, C.S.
(81
rccO
picncifi
1 the belt)
included
Dec. 1999 uu/ this <$'
with any other discount) f
• RuTocinve Skw#
v • Curn Modern S#
NATION'S LARGEST • 776 PAGES • 2"THICK •WEIGHS 10 LBS.
P ICKING UP your 1999 Aggieland is easy. If you ordered a book, go to the basement of
the Reed McDonald Building, and show your Student ID. If you did not order last year's
Texas A&M yearbook (the 1998-99 school year), you may purchase one for $35 plus tax in
015 Reed McDonald. Hours: 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday. Cash, checks,
VISA, MasterCard, Discover and American Express accepted.
http://aggieland-web.tamu.edu
PICK UP YOUR
'99 AGGIELAND
HERE
NorthsidelParking
Garage j
Blocjcer
jHalboutt