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Page 5 • Tuesday, July 27, 1999
! turn a car aw
’ndor booth;
light stands
rer.
ils cheered thf
threatened,"
endor Tom Fi|
who was pact
dday Monday.
;ed to be peace
ry. I was at ill
That was a
ere was no v
■tely blew me
The v
eration Nest Arrest
lidding Ross Street of feathered fiends calls for creative, permanent solutions to bird control
li
BECKER
unng
the past
week,
te loud re-
, . „ Ms of
erupted asi:|
Hot Chili Pitt "
, ,, ons could be
played thefcm d ar0 un d
closngM. f pusfrom
' ale l k afternoon
were o»l®|,„. k —
lesuyat one p 0 j nt) physical plant
lu'.iimggt 1 lein h ers C ould be seen wearing
I 5 000 P^ttprotection and bright orange
0,1 c,urin 8 'tts while shooting off blanks
Sunday. rom trusty shotguns.
Security *]| t ] ie cannons and cap-guns
was provide re f or t | ie p ur p 0se of scaring off
i torce that oJjjjj.jg that have taken roost on
not properly cM. street near the Chemistry
luilding.
one to s top * or anyone who has traveled
nob was leftto* r ar ea, this is a welcome
ly 90 minutes"M. c j se ^he smells greeting
in riot gear'■s ers _hy are almost bad enough
; Bender one unconscious — if
:k organizer.'■ f rorn t h e f urn es, then from
tor most otd!;B n g t0 hold one’s breath while
officials said. t0 g et to the other side of
Michael L^'B maligned section,
earned up ^ttside from the stench, there is
ack, said: I Mg er f r0 ni above. A big yellow
fines a generd::H t j on s jg n before should be
ics a small gr | a( . ec j before entering the area
were determi::I a]ll j n g Q f falling feces.
Bduch time and effort has been
tit into trying to clean up the
TrlP B 1 and t° r *d it of the flying
F ikPWW 5, rr * ie sme d st dl emanates,
I IVCol IU1 ^g peppered ground has
. ®n cleaned. The propane can-
lons have scared away the birds,
tit most people realize that as
id coramenlrf"' ! y he S annonss 1 t , 0 P firin 8'
• l ists iettira t« birds wl11 eventu ally come
hv flashing I »k. A more permanent solution
m tune to t0 trLlly solve dais prob-
e lone before,y| Here are some of the P ossible -
e we will ktt 6 permanent solutions in no
>irate TV, , Tec« ticular order: -
red former rJ; ,
•es as headrffP lace pro P ane with
i for Merlin" # lcannons
a Further feI Advanta S e: This wil1 teach
i the swaifif nasty birds not to come
' B-k.
■Disadvantage: Might cause un-
man Insd J nted d h a ™f a t0 ,rees ' and who
ied logiwi'fcT h cannonballs
crew is schedi
bus in Brist
\ug. 6. The K
Stonehenge a
performance;
^odimore. Thf
for 17 more
d, Wales,
before
fe art
hat could i
• Surround every tree with a
high voltage cage
Advantage: If the birds cannot
land, they have to leave. Plus, it
would be like a new form of en
tertainment around Texas A&M,
similar to how people sometimes
sit out and watch the flies get
zapped by the bug-zapper.
Disadvantage: Some might
complain about the cost and the
unsightly cages ruining the land
scape. Also, bird-zappers would
not solve the smell problem.
• Place highly trained bird-
snipers in windows around
campus
Advantage: Snipers are cool.
Disadvantage: Snipers cost a
lot, and who knows what would
happen if they got bored shooting
at pigeons.
• Arm every student with a
bird-zapping taser
Advantage: A grassroots effort
would be the best approach. Take
on the problem one-on-one.
There are possibilities of contests
between residence halls, which
always provide a strong incentive
for gratuitous violence.
Disadvantage: Aggies with
tasers. Enough said.
After careful examination of
these possible solutions, the di
rect approach does not seem like
it will work.
But if we could somehow
catch the birds, the possibilities
are endless. There are a couple of
methods that could be used to
catch them.
The first requires getting sever
al of those grungy, bird-feeding
people who are always seen in
pictures of Central Park.
Arm them with a couple bags
of birdseed and place them at
strategic locations around cam
pus. When all the birds have
gathered around these “feeders,”
as we will call them, the catch
will be made.
The details of the catch are not
quite worked out yet, but every
good plan has a few unknown
factors. What is known is that
these “feeders” are a sure-fire
way to attract thousands of birds.
If the “feeder” method does
not work out, another method
discovered from a popular chil
dren’s book by Roald Dahl might.
The plan is to put a special poly
mer glue on the branches of the
trees where the birds roost. After
the birds are caught in the sticky
glue, they will be easy to harvest
from their perches.
The birds, once caught, can be
used to several ends. The best
idea is to train them like homing
birds and use them to send
threatening messages to t.u.
Imagine the sinking feeling
you would get if you received a
message from a bird saying you
were going to die.
The horror would be too much
to bear.
The more practical use is for
Sbisa to use them in-their pot
pies.
What better way to get rid of
campus pests than to let the stu
dent population ingest them?
But Sbisa probably already
does that, and using them as the
“misery meat” has not drastically
reduced the number of birds on
campus.
In light of this, catching the
birds may not really be a practical
method to get rid of them either.
There are just too many of them.
They cannot be stopped.
There are only two distinct
possibilities left.
One is to give up.
Let the birds win. Accept the
fact that we are dealing with a su
perior species and try to go on
with our lives, with one of the re
quirements for admission to A&M
being to own a good gas mask.
The only other possibility is to
declare an all-out war on the
birds.
Declare a national emergency,
evacuate campus and call in the
U.S. Air Force to napalm the en
tire area.
After that, we can rebuild and
reclaim the land that was once
ours, without the evil feathered
nuisances that have caused so
much misery and smell-induced
nausea.
Jeff Becker is a sophomore
computer engineering major.
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u can see
IN OUR 2b NEVJ FALL
SHOWS,/^Lk THE StA&WNS
CHARACTERS WE WHITE ...
•THATs WHY, For our minority
VIEWERS, W£ support the
B’lSHIP, WHICH Will make some
OFT4E ACTORS APpfcAR (SLACK
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PBS needs better
programming not
more funding
In response to Ryan Garcia’s
July 22 column.
Ryan Garcia’s column
about "radical” Billy Tauzin
displays a total lack of knowl
edge and research about the
target of his venom.
I grew up in Louisiana and
my family is very politically
active, so I met Tauzin on a
number of occasions.
The only thing he is radical
about is getting re-elected. I
like Billy and respect him like
I do most politicians.
That means I would always
shake his hand with one hand
while keeping the other on my
wallet.
What is more, he was a De
mocrat until “the party left
MAIL CALL
him,” not unlike the fellow
who stood at his side at his
rechristening as a Republi
can, President Ronald Rea
gan.
However, Garcia and Billy
both fail to see PBS’ real sin.
In order to succeed in the
marketplace, PBS should pro
duce something people want
to watch.
This is something which
they almost never do unless
Ken Burns is involved.
As for the educational as
pect, my 3-year-old niece
would rather watch a blank
screen than listen to George
Carlin’s eerie voice-overs on
that goofy tugboat show they
air continuously throughout
the day.
That gives grown-ups the
creeps, too, because we re
member the funny stuff he
used to say that we will even
tually have to talk the kids out
of sneaking around and listen
ing to.
So lay off Billy, and instead
tell PBS to get a program di
rector with credentials beyond
an endorsement from the De
mocratic party.
Samuel Smith
Class of ’99
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Letters may be submitted in person at 013
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Riots prove Woodstock has sold out to commercialism
Aaron
MEIER
ack in 1969,
thousands of
peace-loving
Bung people gath
ered at Woodstock
to experience Blood,
>Weat and Tears,
flirty years later,
Ith a retired Air
? orce base in sham-
iles and at least one
Person seriously injured following
Bopdstock ’99, blood, sweat and tears
lade a comeback of a different sort.
I During the Red Hot Chili Peppers’
I losing performance Sunday, confer-
I eiice officials said only a few hundred
^ of the more than 150,000 concert atten-
-'fees set fi re to 12 tractors, a small bus,
overturned a car and destroyed vendors
Booths, ATMs and a speaker tower.
I But the images broadcast on yester
day’s news programs makes a festival
whose original motto was “three days
of peace, love and music” look more
like the L.a. riots.
MTV News, which was a target of
much of the mayhem, was forced to
shut down their base of operations Sat
urday evening as glass bottles and
rocks pelted production crews. During
the live Sunday broadcast of “MTV
News 1515,” reporter Serena Altschul
appeared anxious to cut the show short
as the crowd’s fury began to rise again.
So what went wrong? Is it further
proof of the downfall of a generation;
just another link in the chain anchored
to Littleton? i s it poor planning on the
part of concert organizers who report
edly left Woodstockers without water
for half a day, sending many to the first
aid tents fo r dehydration?
Why hasn’t anyone mentioned the
fact that when you pack 150,000 plus
people into a small field, play really
loud music, deprive them of sleep,
bathroom facilities and simple human
dignity people tend to get a little testy.
Anyone who wants proof can just
cruise down to Fish Camp on the last
day and conduct a few quick surveys.
Who knows what caused the riots,
but 30 years ago a great moment hap
pened when people decided to forget
about war and hate for three days and
just sit in a field naked, listen to some
groovy tunes and drop some acid. Now
the memory of that moment has been
desecrated with $10° tickets, $4 bottles
of water and blatant commercialization
that would make Will Smith proud.
After 30 years, things are definitely
different. In 1969 hippies wouldn’t
have thought of packing iron; in ’99,
people were patted down and searched
for weapons.
Where mother-eurth nudity once
dominated, Mardi Gras-esque chants of
“show your tits” rang through the
crow d- . • , ,
Where Jimi Hendrix s soulful rendi
tion of “The Star Spangled Banner’
heralded the end of a historic moment,
the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ rendition of
Hendrix’s “Fire” while more than 10
bonfires threw flames into the night
showed the times, they are a changin’.
“Somewhere along the
line the hippies of the
'60s became the
yuppies of the '80s and
decided nothing was
sacred."
Somewhere along the line, the hip
pies of the ’60s became the yuppies of
the ’80s and decided nothing was sa
cred, especially their own souls. So
when Woodstock ’94 came around peo
ple didn’t flinch too much. Hey, mil
lions were to be made and there was a
whole new generation of kids out there
ready to drop money on something that
looked really cool in the VH1 flash
backs.
Five years later, any attempt at hon
oring the memory of the original festi
val was thrown into a Porta-Potty for
bands that sing songs that have lines
like “give it up for the nookie,” and
“die, die, die.”
So when the next group of idiots de
cides to beat the dead horse that is
Woodstock, the next generation of mu
sic fans should look elsewhere and
make their own history or, better yet,
stop trying to make history and just let
it happen on its own.
Aaron Meier is a senior political
science major. !>