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Page 4 • Monday, January 25, 1999
A
GGIELIFE
. Bailiulion
JACOB'S LADDER fli
Holidays bring issues of theft, home sfllhakc
H ow safe are student’s pos
sessions? Are students
more likely to be vandal
ized when away from home?
A question
that a lot of
students ask
themselves,
whether class
es are break
ing for the
winter or be
ginning in the
spring, is, “Do
these khakis
make my butt
look big?” But a more appropriate
ACOB
HUVAL
question milling their minds is,
“Will all of my beloved appli
ances (aka: Playstation and CDs)
be where 1 left them when 1 get
back?” Security is a common con
cern among students and non stu
dents alike.
A recurring phenomenon in
conversation are the accounts of
how a student was “cleaned out,”
so to speak, while away during
the holidays.
The typical response is reciting
the Aggie Code of Honor, doing a
secret handshake and finding it
hard to believe that someone
could lose all of their worldly pos
sessions. But the concept is not
too unbelievable if one considers
the security systems afforded by
student income — namely, any
thing cheaper than a Monica
Lewinsky brand chastity belt.
Many students hope to prevent
thieves from stealing their things
by cleverly hiding them under
mountains of empty bottles, dirty
clothes, course syllabuses and
Twinkie wrappers. This often
proves ineffective, as most vandals
carry shovels and blasting equip
ment.
A new development in person
al security on a budget is the
placement of small post-it notes
that contain burglary-discourag
ing messages on all possessions.
Some field-tested examples are
“Do not touch! Contains Gonor
rhea!” and “Beware! Carries a ter
rible curse.”
There exists a particular risk
when students leave their homes
for summer or winter breaks, but
the risk and worry can be over
come by calling on an old, forgot
ten friend — common sense.
It has been recommended not
to tell many people about plans to
vacate for a month. In fact, LAPD
Chief Doug Bates recently sug
gested, “If a stranger asks you if
you're going to be gone for a few
weeks, the best bet is to look both
ways, say ‘no,’ and then stop,
drop, and roll!”
But it can be hard to remain in
conspicuous while cramming so
many possessions into Daddy’s
Jeep. A solution to this problem
was introduced by Steve Mc
Queen in the 1963 movie The
Great Escape, when he escaped a
WWII prison camp — the tunnel.
By digging a tunnel from the
home to the car, one can safely
and confidently transport all be
longings at his or her own pace.
Some items may require a
more subtle form of movement,
as McQueen displayed by dis
creetly emptying pocketful after
pocketful of tunneled dirt during
his bout with imprisonment. If
confronted about television
shaped bulges in the hip pocket,
one should revert to handy excus
es such as, “Why yes, I am happy
to see you," and, "I told you these
khakis make my butt look big!”
Yet another security concern
among students is the party. The
swindling of property in the midst
of a party is a serious problem
that has been traced to exist since
the time of ancient Druids.
Druids would top off a night of
worshiping the moon and bowling
by throwing an extravagant party,
during which there were, accord
ing to runes, numerous occasions
of plunder and misplacement.
Fortunately, when plunder oc
curs today, students no longer
have to resort to human sacrifice
to get their stuff back.-,
methods to human sacr x
elude: bolting all posse BEVERLY
the floor, performingh an Mon t>t
checks on all in attend tglvas hoi
handcuffing all guests icfvVorld '
pass through the door, eon in
case it is recommendennl major
host purchases many! obes
tug straws. Sjielberg,
But In a are! Many c Oscar, ext
crafty, as well! Someb it are out t
try to trick unsuspectii d stopped
by disguising themseh Shnkespc’c
landlord, writingwha ! tallilmanc
an “eviction notice,"c: lM>w — L
door locks and thenir reenplay.
of his partners-in-crime Jim Carre
the unfortunate studenoirfifau Shcn
homo .is a "tenant." Zes his \\T
Consider this atti tr, Ed 1 Inn
invitation to reclaunjoiB The 7E
at all costs! Look for ks Carrey, rt
spaces in which the te: lich he is
might hide his intrusi id. It’s go
sibly under the vvelcor: er this, bu
in a potted plant. Cate Blan
Also, criminals otter acti ess for
windows unlocked; tf - Michael C
easy access and oppon.musical or
cover one’s estate. Itb 'dgrave of
trieve stolen property at pporting a
police are usually precx. The Holly
with other criminal scr Al’.C’s “T
the evening. ties, and F
As a matter of tact.dcsion como
tact the police at all, they “Spin Cir
ton l>m\ issii agnosed w
Northgate. it poignan
There are a lot o! v. anked his
lieve any anxiety one nr >ened up h
about the security oftlie e do an
sions, but if there area ixsaid,
tainties concerning seem Paltrow [
help out personally. Sim;iJEg p ie ]
a self-addressed, stampe, ieare j n ^
lope containing a lette: Une j
actly when the homeu; edewom-a
cated and a key to metre,
to me:
Megastud,
c/o The Battalion
Jacob Huval is a freshn
English major
For t
Vitt
The Power to Succeed
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