ie Battalion
O PINION
Page 11 • Wednesday, January 20,1999
irrom a galaxy far, far away?
i|yice President Al Gore, Star Wars’ C-3PO appear to share some strange characteristics
Mark _
PASSWATERS
American policy, relations
ith Cuba needs overhaul
BRENDAN
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I It is now
lossible for
mericans to IBI ™
nd up to $1,200 to Cuban nation-
s, the Baltimore Orioles will be per-
* mitted to play two exhibition games
against the Cuban national team and
some types of food can be sold to
non-government institutions.
I These reforms, however, mean al
most nothing as long as the 39-year
embargo against Cuba continues.
Why has the United States tar-
;eted Cuba so relentlessly? Admit-
dly, even by communist stan-
ards, the Castro regime is an ugly
ne, with anywhere from sixty to
one-hundred thousand of its citi
zens incarcerated and many others
living in abject poverty.
1 Unfortunately, the embargo has
ilearly failed as a tool against Cas-
W There is just no other way to
fudge a policy that has been in
llace since the Eisenhower admin-
a LoCatiOl 1 Oration with no signs of success.
1 Even the collapse of the Soviet
Union, which cost Cuba billions in
foreign aid, and the tightening of the
Embargo with the Helms-Burton Act
T)f 1996, which permits legal action
|o be taken against foreign compa-
liies that do business with Cuba,
nave brought negligible results.
] Fidel Castro is clearly not being
huh by the embargo; if anything, it
lelps bolster his regime by giving
nm a convenient scapegoat to
- n —j Jjlame for Cuba’s suffering. The
s! # ! Jnly ones hurt by the embargo are
^^^J||:he people of Cuba.
The irony is by isolating Cuba
jrom the western world, the United
45-1842
45-3751
45-2061
45-1118
45-6116
45-8188
45-9034
Mark McPherson/Tiu Battalion
A l Gore, Vice-
President of
the United
States, is certain to
be very excited this
upcoming May 21.
His excitement
will have nothing to
do with the situation
surrounding his su
perior, Bill Clinton.
This is the day the new Star Wars movie,
supposedly titled The Phantom Menace,
will be released.
It is not public knowledge whether
Gore is a big fan of Star Wars, but it is a
fine opportunity for him to see his kin
folk. After all, if the past six years have
proven anything, it is that C-3P0 is cer
tainly a relative of his.
That is right, Al Gore is a droid. It has
been fairly well hidden, but can be seen
upon closer inspection. While no NFL
referee would pick up on it, all the aver
age American needs to do is watch him.
He is stiff, lacks any shred of charis
ma, and is annoying to listen to when he
speaks for any length of time. It would
seem that none of this is lost on Al him
self, who has recently made great efforts
to show that he is not really less enter
taining than a brick. This has been done
by arranging for the Vice President to
give strong speeches showing his moral
outrage on a variety of subjects.
The problem with the Vice President
showing that he is mad as hell and not
going to take it anymore is the reception
that he has received.
People realize Gore really is not all
that mad, but is trying to prove to the
people that he does not possess one
emotion — he has none whatsoever.
Unfortunately, this makes him seem
even less natural, more calculating and
more robotic. The Secret Service must be
terrified he will blow a fuse during one of
those speeches and someone will have to
cart him off the stage.
Examining the evidence, it is easy to
decide that Albert Gore Jr. is a creation of
George Lucas’ studios that has somehow
fled from home. This is not impossible —
remember Short Circuit?
Please note the following similarities
between our second in command and
Luke Skywalker’s droid who is fluent in
over six million forms of communication;
C-3P0 frequently complains about the
treatment he receives from other sources.
Since Al Gore is Vice President, one of
the few things that he can do is complain
about the treatment he receives from oth
er sources.
Nobody really wants to listen to C-
3P0, even when he has a point. Nobody
has really listened to what Al Gore says,
so nobody knows if he has a point.
Both have companions that might be
more useful than they are. C-3P0 has R2-
D2, and Al has Tipper. Tipper is far prettier
and helps out more charitable causes, but
Artoo is more mechanically adept. Could
Tipper fix an X-Wing? Probably not.
One thing that R2 and Tipper have in
common is that both have the uncanny
ability to see something positive in their
companions that nobody else has been
able to spot.
Both Al Gore and C-3P0 have spent
significant amounts of time with people
wearing brown robes. Gore went to a
fundraiser hosted by Buddhist Monks; C-
3P0 was kidnapped by Jawas. In another
coincidence, both of these situations end
ed up with money changing hands in a
shady deal.
Gore’s benefactors certainly did better,
as they were only investigated by the Jus
tice Department. C-3P0’s “hosts” were
executed by Stormtroopers.
Both communicate with individuals
speaking other languages on the orders
of those above them.
Al Gore calls foreign nationals at the
request of the Democratic National
Committee in order to raise money for
the party; C-3P0 communicates with
aliens at the request of Luke Skywalker
and Han Solo in order to find out where
they are. Both of these actions are criti
cal to their survival.
Both fear that their final undoing will
come in some dark, cold, faraway locale.
C-3P0 frets that he will end up in the
Spice Mines of Kessel; Al Gore fears he
will end up in the middle of the pack in
the New Hampshire primary. •
C-3P0 takes his marching orders from
a young boy from the middle of nowhere
who grew up to become the most power
ful man in the galaxy in spite of growing
up without a father.
Al Gore takes his marching orders
from a young boy from the middle of
nowhere who became the most powerful
perjurer on the face of the planet in spite
of growing up without a father.
These are just a few of the many par
allels that can be drawn between Vice-
President Gore and C-3P0. If all this be
comes public knowledge, the
Republicans may find cause to demand
an Independent Counsel, a request that
most certainly will be denied by Attorney
General Janet Reno (who, by the way,
looks a great deal like the Emperor).
But even if it does not, one thing re
mains certain for both droids, Al Gore
and C-3P0:
They just don’t understand human
behavior.
Mark Passwaters is an electrical
engineering graduate student
Bering:
! on Day
;edt
Quick picks not a
religious quick fix
I would like to say two things to
religious people that support the
lottery by purchasing tickets.
First of all, the lottery gives
hope to sinners who had nd hope
except to repent of their sinful
ways and turn to God. Sinners are
putting off the decision to turn to
God hoping they will hit the big one
on Wednesday or Saturday. I call
States has thrown away its most po
tent weapon against communism.
Victory in the Cold War came not
through the strength of western
guns but through the strength of
western ideals.
By establishing trade relations
with the Soviet Union, the Unit
ed States was able to infect the
communist bloc with western
values and turn the people
against their governments, which
lead to the eventual collapse of
the Soviet Union.
Today, this same policy is being
used to pull both China and Viet
nam away from totalitarianism and
towards democracy.
Through trade, the United States
could clearly demonstrate the mate
rial benefits of capitalism and the
spiritual benefits of living in a free
society. This would show the
Cuban people that it is Fidel Castro,
not the United States, who is their
enemy, causing the same forces to
be unleashed in Cuba that de
stroyed the Soviet empire.
But for some insane reason,
American policy makers have denied
the Cuban people the chance given
to the Russian, Chinese and Viet
namese people: the chance to see
that capitalism and democracy truly
are better than communism and to
talitarianism. And Americans won
der why Cuba is still communistic.
Beyond the desire to free Cuba
from communist control, there is an
other important consideration as to
why the embargo should be lifted:
the effect it has on American rela
tions with the rest of Latin America.
World opinion is obviously
against the United States on this is
sue, as is clearly demonstrated by
the drubbing the United States gets
on every United Nations vote about
ending the embargo. But it is in
Latin America where this issue
could truly hurt American interests.
MAIL CALL
the lottery Satan’s hope because it
has opposed evangelism, social
change, character development
and virtue.
Secondly, playing the lottery is
poor stewardship and those guilty
of poor stewardship need not ex
pect the financial blessings of God.
Either you faith is in God’s bless
ings or it is in a chance to be
struck by lightning.
American trade with Latin Amer
ica is expected to exceed our trade
with Europe by 2010 and to exceed
our trade with Europe and Japan
combined by 2015. Obviously, it is
going to be vital for the United
States to be on good terms with its
most important trading partners.
Unfortunately, this is a difficult
goal to achieve when the United
States is waging a virtual war on a
Latin American country. Many of
our southern neighbors have mem
ories of American intervention in
their countries, and, due to these
experiences, they are not to likely to
be sympathetic to American harass
ment of Cuba.
Fidel Castro is an expert at play
ing the anti-American card. He has
used it for over 40 years to both
gain and maintain power in Cuba,
and he is proving just as capable at
using it to rally the nations of Latin
America against the United States.
By maintaining this embargo, it
is the United States, not Cuba,
that comes off as a threat to the
nations of the western hemi
sphere. Lifting the embargo would
go a long way towards proving to
our neighbors that the United
States wants to be their friend, not
their master.
A common definition of insanity
is repeating the exact same action
and expecting to get a different re
sult out of it. By that standard,
American policy towards Cuba has
been insane since 1960.
The embargo has clearly failed;
the only effect from continuing it
will be to bring even greater suffer
ing to the Cuban people and to fur
ther damage the international
standing of the United States. It is
time to take a sane approach to US-
Cuban relations.
Brendan Guy is a senior
political science major
State of the union not so bad
Manisha
PAREKH
C. Gregory Dukes
Mooresville, IN
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W ith day after day of
news coverage being
devoted to the sor
did details of the Clinton tri
al, it is easy to believe the
United States is in bad shape.
The president of the coun
try is facing removal, the lead
ing lawmakers are splitting
hairs over Puritanical values
and the American people are
caught in between.
Sounds like a good time to bemoan about the
state of affairs in America, right?. Seems like a
good time to be embarrassed to be an Ameri
can, right? Wrong. Compared to most of the
other countries, America is still a paradise of
that many would kill to enjoy.
Yes, America is facing problems right now. But
Americans still enjoy level of freedom and
lifestyle that is the envy of many other countries.
Ask someone who has spent an extended
amount of time in a third-world country, and
chances are they will say the same thing.
Americans should be thankful for everything
they have.
Americans are not afraid to drink to the wa
ter that flows from their facets and are able to
breathe the air without having to filter it
through a handkerchief. It is easy to forget that
in many countries that type of freedom is sim
ply a far-flung dream.
Many towns and villages in the third-world
still do not have running water, and those that
do must boil water before using it because
sewage lines and water lines often mix.
Even worse, the air is often heavily polluted
by automobiles that use kerosene or leaded fu
els and factories belching smoke and fumes into
the air. Environmental policy, in many countries,
is merely an idea on paper, not in practice.
While Americans will always complain about
their elected leaders, the fact that the American
electorate actually chose the people in power is
not something that should be taken for granted.
Many countries hold “free elections” in
name alone. In practice, many party leaders
coerce or threaten voters into casting their bal
lots for a certain candidate; that is, of course, if
the ballot boxes themselves were not stuffed or
“lost” somewhere.
Here, Americans can always resort to voting
leaders out of office when they are displeased; cit
izens of many other countries can only dream
having that kind of power.
Americans also enjoy small freedoms that are
often passed over in the hustle of everyday life.
Americans can rest easy at night knowing that if
Lady Luck should deal them a bad hand, there is
welfare, disability pay and a variety of social pro
grams to help cushion the fall.
Thanks to the Federal Deposit Insurance Cor
poration, Americans can place their money in
banks without worrying about losing their life
savings should the bank fail.
Children who cannot get a good meal at home
can receive a nutritious meal at school thanks to
the school lunch program.
And the list of freedoms and privileges goes on
and on.
So what is the state of union? When compared
to the majority of the world, it would appear that
the union is in very good shape.
Manisha Parekh is a junior psychology
and journalism major