[onday • May 4, 1998
The Battalion
PPINIOH
^RSPECTIVES
kein off
America prepares to say 'good-bye' to ‘Seinfeld'and the art of laughing at nothing
Beverly
Mireles
columnist
j t’s 10:30 p.m.
After a long
[dayofbiolo-
i I need a
eak. So, of
Burse, I turn
B the TV. Ah,
■body’s on
Itterman,
Bno isn’t any
■od anyway,
Bd “Nightline”
Bout of the
Bestion.
■hat’s left? “Se-
Beld.” It doesn’t matter what channel,
■ time, because it’s basically in syndi-
■tion on every station and in every
Baginable time slot. Lucky me.
I “The Bubble boy” episode is on.
Jure, I’ve seen it before, at least twice,
Bt I watch it anyway. Why suffer
Bough Leno until Conan O’Brien
Imeson? Plus, it’s still hilarious.
I It’s this type of unflagging loyalty to
Bingle television show that has
lade NBC into the huge network it is
tht se days.
I And now that “Seinfeld” is rolling its
Bdits for the last time on May 14, the
Becutives at NBC must be crying their
les out.
I Seeing their cash cow end its reign
■ the king of the Nielsen must be diffi-
Blt.The show’s end might give way to
| Bother network getting their foot in
le door on Thursday nights. And
lough that’s not an issue for many
Bwers, most of America will be
mourning with them.
I “Seinfeld” went from a lowly rated
sitcom to a cultural icon in only a few
years, securing millions of viewers
every Thursday night. It made “Must
See TV” into exactly that — something
Americans would schedule around.
And it distinctly added to the whole of
American vernacular.
Before “Seinfeld,” who knew about,
or talked about, “shrinkage”? Or being
“sponge-worthy”?
ferry Seinfeld and his crew of Jason
Alexander (George Costanza), Julia
Louis-Dreyfuss (Elaine Bennis), and
Michael Richards (Kramer) have al
ways comedically astounded, covering
such controversial (and somewhat cen
sored) subjects from homosexuality in
“The Outing” — “Not that there’s any
thing wrong with that” — to masturba
tion in “The Master of One’s Domain,”
and made them hilariously funny.
It was publicized as the show about
nothing. But it wasn’t about nothing,
exactly.
It really was a show about parading
all the trivial bits of life that eveiyone is
involved in, but don’t nodce, all on na
tional television.
“Seinfeld” brought ridiculous things
into the public spectrum, such as up
side-down pens and sharing toilet pa
per between stalls.
It also brought a steady stream of
neurotic characters and trifling rela
tionships to television.
Lovable they aren’t. In one
episode, when Elaine’s boyfriend
showed signs of religiousness, she
considered dumping him, saying she
preferred dumb and lazy to any type
of principle.
And every relationship that Jerry
ever had ended because of some in
significant flaw in his numerous line
of girlfriends.
But... even with their total lack of
scruples, they keep the laughs
rolling in.
So, as my final dedication to the
show, in tribute to all things neurotic
and insincere, I thought I’d list my top
five episodes. And let me just say, thank
God for syndication.
Number Five: “The Implant” —
George double dips his chip, Jerry
dates a girl (Teri Hatcher) he thinks
has implants.
Number Four: “The Barber” — Jerry
gets a bad haircut and then has to go
behind his barber’s back to get it fixed.
Number Three: “The Switch” —
Kramer’s first name is revealed,
George thinks his girlfriend is bulimic
and Jerry and George try to pull the
roommate switch.
Number Two: “The Chicken Roast
er” —When Jerry and Kramer switch
apartments, they also switch person
alities.
Number One: “The Abstinence” —
George stops having sex and becomes
brilliant; smart. Jerry gets bumped
from his junior high’s career day.
Now, it’s not exactly a complete list.
I know, I left out the Soup Nazi, and a
host of other really funny episodes,
but hey, it’s just a TV show, right? Not
thing to completely obsess over— not
that there’s anything wrong with that.
#
z
■f
4J,
Beverly Mireles is a freshman
microbiology major.
STUDENT LIFE
Former Battalion editor in chief bids fond farewell to newsroom
T hey say a newspaper
starts fresh every 24
hours. Breaking news
Irns stale, and editors antici-
Bte the next day’s issue be-
Ire the ink has dried on the
Irrent one. This is the only
lassurance journalists get
lien everything goes wrong.
I And boy does it.
I People often question the
Blue of newspapers, espe-
Blly when libelous head-
les and incorrect stories
leak into the most edited, scrutinized page. Read-
|s demand explanations for these errors, wonder-
Ighowit is possible for journalists to misspell four-
Iter words and overlook stories that jump to
Im-existent pages.
I During my seven semesters at The Battalion, I’ve
lenthe s—t hit the fan, so to speak. From racist edi-
Irial cartoons to mixed up call-letters, I know the
Itstration of wanting to erase 23,000 Battalions from
listence only moments after they hit the stands.
I Unfortunately, this is never possible. And trust
le, I’ve seriously considered making rounds to
lery stack on campus to destroy the evidence of
some glaring error. Even if the resources were avail
able for such an undertaking, it would be unfair to
advertisers, who generate about 97 percent of the
paper’s revenue.
Some readers may doubt the worth of a document
that is obsolete after the course of 24 hours.
When stories are updated and some new contro
versy sparks another round of Mail Call, previous is
sues are cast away into an archive of has-beens. But
it’s this archive that grows more useful with time.
Newspapers are a living, breathing testament of
our history. Not just of day-to-day occurrences, but
of evolution and growth that cannot be noticed in
24 hours.
I have a dresser in my closet overflowing with Bat
talions. These stacks tell a story no yearbook or
brochure can capture.
The passionate Mail Call letters and raw front page
stories breathe life into a memory that gets foggy with
age.
Recollections of my freshman year are jump start
ed when I scan the headlines of the issues from 1995.
The black and white masthead and dated design ex
aggerate the amount of time that has passed since
my first semester here.
Four years isn’t a long time for a University, but
for the students who shape its direction, four years
is a lifetime.
Nothing can change, or everything can change.
Four years ago, I was too shy to return an audible
“howdy.” Today, I’ll argue with complete strangers
about current events, journalism or the latest episode
of “The Jerry Springer Show.”
But there’s one institution that I must recognize for
this progress — the paper you hold in your hands. It’s
given me a depth of understanding I could never pick
up in a classroom.
From time to time, I sift through the yellowing
copies in my closet, trying to regain a clear perception
of the trials this campus has endured over the years.
I try to remember the days before Reed Arena,
hazing lawsuits and Bonfire controversies. The truth
is, every day is consumed by news that is all-encom
passing at the time. Before Reed Arena, there was Kyle
Field renovation. Before the hazing allegations, there
were the “Stickers.”
And it’s naive to try and gauge the effect any story
will have on its readers. Some may recall the head
line, “Secret organization causes concern.” When this
hit the stands, it turned out the only concerned party
was in the basement of Reed McDonald.
Conversely, one of the most divisive issues ever to
hit the Opinion page was the flap over carrying back
packs. One strap, or two — “Dateline,” here we come.
But staffers wouldn’t be slaving away in that base
ment if the only incentive was the hefty paycheck (all
$15 dollars of it). There must be some appeal to news-
papering that can’t be assigned a monetary value.
Just as Sterling Hayman, my first managing editor,
warned, “The ink gets in your veins.”
Sure, I’ve shuddered after seeing my name appear
in a pull quote on the front page by accident. I’ve
wanted to crawl under my desk and unplug the
phone on many occasions, and I’m intimate with the
insomnia that comes with controversial coverage.
But I also know the satisfaction of producing a
high-impact, virtually flawless issue from time to
time. These are moments when I wish our circulation
was doubled. These are days when 60,000 readers still
aren’t enough. And these are times I will dearly miss.
Sometimes people ask me, “How did you endure
an entire semester as editor in chief?” I smile, and say,
“Caffeine and gummy bears.”
Then they ask, “After kissing your Q-drops good
bye and developing a sleep disorder, was it really
worth it?”
And I say, “Hell yes!”
This is Helen Clancy, professional bully, signing
off.
Helen Clancy is a senior English major.
Helen
Clancy
columnist
PERSPECTIVES
Football star Reggie White offers interesting quips about A&M
U nder fire
for his con
troversial
truths about ho
mosexuality,
Green Back Pack
ers defensive end
Reggie Wliite is
seeking refuge
here at Texas A&M.
Inspired by his
leadership on and
off the field, our
esteemed Student
Senate, in a rare display of action, invited
the NFL’s all-time sacks leader to speak to
the group.
Talking frankly about the many cliques
on campus making up the A&M commu
nity, he expressed his love of A&M. In the
Interests of celebrating our diversity, here
isVVhite’s educational, if not contentious,
statement to Student Senate:
"Thank you for this opportunity to
s Peak the Senate. In the short time I have
been on the Texas A&M campus, I have
come to enjoy the wide array of person
alities and cultures which have come to
gether. Whether it is a hillbilly from the
poultry science department or one of
those Cepheid Variable stoners, A&M is a
fascinating place.
“I have come to appreciate the rabid
Marxism and bitter hatred of the Ameri
can way of life displayed by many of your
architecture professors.
“Your Greek community has an incred
ible ability to simultaneously dress in kha
ki shorts, white shirts, baseball caps and
too much makeup. Their love of material
ism and shallow values makes A&M great.
“The construction of Bryan’s new
abortion clinic has brought your Na
tional Organization ofWomen chapter
into the spotlight.
“They should be commended for their
pride in the abortion industry. Hopefully
their membership will increase once they
stop killing off prospective members.
“Hopefully, what few members they do
have will finally straighten out their philos
ophy. The same people who whine and
complain about how evil men are go out of
their way to dress, act and behave like men.
“Maybe if we all pitch in, they can get
their act together. We should unite to
help feminists come to their senses.
“By the way, congratulations on the
new food court to be built in the MSG.
Maybe you should call it ‘Bowen Burger.’
“Customers could place an order, pay
several thousand dollars, be assigned a
number and forgotten about.
“Lucky customers may even get the
chance to see their burger venture out
side of Rudder Tower and talk about the
importance of his opinion of‘diversity.’
“As an ordained minister, I was lucky
to attend a meeting of your Pagan Stu
dent Association. The rhythmic chanti
ng, tasty goat’s blood and virgin sacrifice
didn’t sit well with me, but we need to be
diverse of thought.
“While I’m on the subject of blasphe
mous heretics, the Atheist and Agnostic
Student Association certainly is entertain
ing. While the discussions on the evils of
Pat Robertson, Ralph Reed and Chick-Fil-
A were fun to watch, the look on their faces
in the afterlife should be even funnier.
“No university would be complete
without a group of losers who display
their individuality by following a fad.
“Academic Vampirica is the best at be
ing anti-establishment in such a con
forming way. If you thought Afros and
platform shoes looked dumb on your
parents, just wait until their kids see body
piercing and black lipstick.
“Curious children wanting to know
more about the ‘90s could go down to the
local Circle K and interview Marilyn
Manson while he's on his smoke break.
“What would A&M be without those
lovely bicyclists.
“When they’re not busy running over
innocent pedestrians, they’re doing their
best to become a hood ornament on
your Pontiac.
“Frankly, this campus would be better
off if a few of them were embedded in a
radiator grill.
“Speaking of people who need to be
run over, what about those environmen
talists? Not that there is anything wr ong
with not bathing, living off granola and
licking toads, but what are the chances of
these people getting real jobs?
“I guess welfare checks replenish the
ozone layer.
“Thank you for this opportunity to let
me speak frankly about your wonderful
campus community.
“From screwy environmentalists to
indifferent administrators to future wel
fare recipients, Texas A&M is a diverse,
harmonious community.
“You should be proud of A&M’s grow
ing array of losers, be they feminist or
tree buggers. Sorry to cut my remarks
short, but I have to bring refills ofValium
to The Touchstone.
Donny Ferguson is a junior political
science major.
A L
Donny
Ferguson
columnist