irsday - January 29, 1998
The Battalion
TE OF THE UNION
othing held sacred
f today’s capitalistic
erican society
"othing is sacred in America. Yep, noth
ing. Nothing is safe from evil corporate
plots to make you spend money,
example: As we sink further into the re-
of our couches, eating the squirt cheese
it from the can and watching reruns of
s,” we notice something is amiss in our
jfes, amiss.
[ watch something educational,” we
:o otn selves (Hey, I’m not saying that
s” is not intellectually stimulating —
is one smart cop — oh, wait, oxymoron,
Michelle
Voss
columnist
/ay, we’re clickin’ our way to the Dis-
r Channel when we notice a commercial featuring Mr. Potato
i rush of nostalgia, we put down the squirt cheese to grab a tis-
“ST our eyes gush forth tears of joy at the sight of our dear compan-
)m lonely days after school — “Mista Patater Heaaad!!” we wail.
, to our dismay, Potato is an obnoxious, dim-witted poster boy
ne other than Oprah’s favorite munchie joint, Burger King.
:ms the burger gurus have put out a new french fry (that myste-
y tastes like chicken), and Potato Head is the new spokesman,
leed, Potato Head’s new gig is a stellar example of the hapless
ffair between mainstream American media and corporate
lercialism.
ily, a happy-fun-time child’s toy is now a talking vegetable, in-
>ly caught in the web of commercialism, capitalist ploys and the
on of freedom for the masses.
-i, a delusion of freedom. Mr. Potato Head is the new sensation
dll lure us into consumerism, unknowingly, zombie-like.
: all line up like good little consumers and patiently wait for our
r and fries to defrost.
: pick up our mass-produced meal and sit in our mass-pro-
1 seat, just keeping the food chain moving,
wever, we fail to notice that we, too, are caught in the web of
t.
'. Potato Head is just their sly way of saying, buy, buy, buy, Amer-
ley are telling us that our purchasing power equals freedom,
/e have a freedom to choose.
fortunately this is only a delusion of freedom. The truth is, our
tom of choice” is just another way of saying consumerism for
lasses, materialism and french fries for all.
short, we have all become slaves to our dollars, and deluded
l sense of freedom.
rget the social functions of the media for a second. Just remem-
ic days when Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head would dance on your
en floor, they would trade arms, Mr. Potato Head could carry
Potato Head’s purse or wear her blue pumps.
-311, guess what? Rumor has it Mr. Potato Head has left the misses’
i intern who was working for him, but he denies that he denied
nials previously denied of wrong-doing, and so does the intern,
ih, Mr. Potato Head is corrupt. He no longer plays “dress up in
rs.’ clothes” on the kitchen floor. No, he’s the conniving,
hy, little arch-nemesis to none other than good ‘ol “Jack” of Jack
Box.
■ me eager-beaver junior ad exec in Manhattan thinks they’ve giv-
rger King a “new image.” Think again, Paco. That little CLEO
1 just broke up a home and just might cost Jack his job.
tato Head is just the puppet for a nasty scheme, a dirty little plan
^ 1 vats of artery-clogging, grease-pumped french fries to gullible
ican consumers.
en, more doctors will perform more quadruple bypasses, so
:an buy more Saabs and purchase more villas off the south coast
nee.
y, buy, buy, America.
•thing is sacred, America, since dollar signs run our nation. If
ng, not even a child’s toy, is safe from the spoils of exploitative
ilist plots (and I’m an avid capitalist), we will never be free,
jfey don’t believe me? Think talking Chihuahuas and tacos.
Michelle Voss is a sophomore English major.
NE STAR LOWDOWN
PERSPECTIVES
METHOD &
'l/JjrtArie&S
“Unabomber Manifesto” offers useful
guidelines for practicing mayhem
Stewart
Patton
columnist
D o you want to strike fear into the heart of
every American? Do you want the mere
mention of your name to send children
diving under the covers to bury their heads in
their pillows?
Well read on, future madman, because until
University Plus offers a course in Urban Terror
ism, you can learn much about your craft by
studying those who have practiced before you.
The Unabomber’s days of mayhem are over,
and he will spend the rest of his life in a dank
cell. By studying the Unabomber’s mistakes,
you can avoid his pitfalls in your quest for
world domination.
The Unabomber’s first mistake was lack of proper preparation.
Changing the world is a big task — a madman should not leap right into
it. The beginner could start by transforming the local Parent-Teacher As
sociation into the “Evil PTA from Hell.”
Once he has seized power, the madman could start by mandating
that only those chocolatey-oatmeal, no-bake cookies be sold at the
annual bake sale, just for the heinous irony of it.
The madman-to-be could then turn to the local chapter of the
Elks Club or the Girl Scouts of America before launching a world
wide campaign.
The Unabomber’s next mistake you don’t want to repeat was a
complete lack of planning for accomplishing his goals. The “Un
abomber’s Manifesto” states that instead of benefiting society, tech
nology and mechanization actually alienate people from each other,
hurt the poor and dehumanize individuals. He argues that people
should destroy technology and revert to living in “wild nature.”
Quick note here: the actual content of your personal madman
views on society you will develop don’t actually matter as long as they
are completely and totally ludicrous and any rational person would
think you are sick in the head.
So, what does the Unabomber do to destroy technology and return
society to nature? He sends a few mail bombs to judges and other pub
lic figures. This alone should have been enough to convince any jury
that Kaczynski is insane and unfit to stand trial.
Even if the Unabomber was never caught and he was to continue
his evil plan, mail bombs sent to prominent Americans are never go
ing to destroy all of society’s technology.
He even shoots his own philosophy in the foot, for aren’t bombs
technological devices? Also, it’s tough to find a larger modern system
of mechanization than the U.S. Postal Service. The Unabomber should
have stuck to his philosophy and personally delivered a huge rock and
let “wild” gravity do its work.
A much better example of an effective mad plan is exhibited by
Dr. No of James Bond fame. Dr. No wanted to be the richest and
most powerful man in the world, so he stole several “super
weapons” from the United States and blackmailed the world with
the threat of their use.
Bravo. A mighty fine plan foiled only by 007’s lucky escape from a
man-eating shark.
The Unabomber’s final mistake that you will want to avoid is living
in a tiny shack in the woods. An effective madman must have a cool
“mad pad” where he can concoct his evil schemes. As a rule of thumb,
any dwelling that can be shipped cross-country on a semi-truck is
completely out of the question.
Imagine the Unabomber’s embarrassment as the jury laughs hysteri
cally when they see the dilapidated conditions from which he believed
he could change the world.
Even a normal house will work as a madman’s refuge, as long as it
contains ample underground tunnels, high-tech communication
devices or is rigged to burn from the inside out a la Mel Gibson in
Conspiracy Theory.
An award for one of the coolest madman hideout would have to go
to The Penguin from Batman Returns. Complete with hordes of mind-
controlled penguins and a giant rubber ducky for transportation, this
mad fortress is located under the same city where millions of inno
cent people go to work each day.
Future madman, I wish you luck in executing your plan for world
domination.
Learn from the past and do not repeat the mistakes of the Un
abomber, and you will be an effective madman long after the rats have
divvied up Kaczynski’s rotten corpse.
Stewart Pa tton is a junior sociology major.
BRAD GRAEBER/The Battalion
abacco companies not responsible for the health of smokers
111
Joe
Schumacher
columnist
.( V.
u/
T he state of
Texas just
got 15 billion
dollars richer.
Texas is one of sev
eral states to settle
with the tobacco
agency and has re
ceived the largest
cash settlement to
date. Minnesota is
up next, with 40
other state law
suits being filed.
The first question that comes to
mind is what does this money mean for
Texas. Well, nobody knows yet. It is to
be paid over a 25-year period to sick
smokers on Medicare.
Texas Attorney General Dan Morales
wants to reserve money for anti-smok-
ing education and other things like
that. However, the Texas Legislature
does not think that the one man should
be able to decide how $15 billion
shtfuld be spent. Basically, they feel
that they are entided to their piece of
the pie.
The five lawyers are after their
money a “measly” 15 percent. That
breaks down to about $2.3 billion for
them.
After all, they had the hard task of
proving that the cigarette smoke is bad
for you and that cigarette ad campaigns
target youths.
One of the primary arguments to
them not getting their money is that the
contract is unenforceable, because
Morales did not receive approval from
the legislature.
The companies were found liable on
the grounds that they concealed how
dangerous smoking really is. Nobody
needs convincing that habitually light
ing something on fire and then inhal
ing the fumes is bad for you.
Anybody who smokes or has ever
smoked, today or 30 years ago, does it
because it is bad for them. That is the
whole appeal of smoking. It shows that
you are too cool to care about your
health and you’d rather be fashionable.
Now those same people who were
too busy being cool will soon be col
lecting aid from Medicare for the next
25 years.
Nobody has ever been forced to be a
smoker. Now these people who, of their
own free will, took up smoking, know
ing that smoking is a bad habit (and
one cannot argue that smoking looks
like a healthy habit), want money for
not having the foresight to think that
they’d live this long.
That is ridiculous.
There are also talks of helping
“fight” underage smoking. This is not
the place of the government to keep
kids from smoking. Maybe that job
should fall to someone a little more
equipped for the job ... like their par
ents. Some places have instituted tick
ets for underage smoking.
That approach is not what Texas
needs to do, especially given the fact
Texas just won this lawsuit, and the
last thing it needs to do is generate
more revenue in the name of cigarette
smoke.
Additionally, a national lawsuit pro
posed restrictions on nicotine levels
and advertising. First, restricting the
amount of nicotine is just going to in
crease cigarettes that people who are
already addicted are going to buy. The
restrictions in advertising are also
moot points.
The restrictions are suggested to
limit the influence of the tobacco in
dustry on younger, more impression
able viewers. There aren’t too many
ads for cigarettes that appeal to
young kids. However the fact their
music and movie idols appear on
television and movies smoking is
what gets their attention.
The national lawsuit also proposes
that the tobacco industry would pay a
total of $368.5 billion. At first this
sounds like a lot of money. Given the
fact that people are still smoking, thus
buying cigarettes, it does not sound
like the tobacco company will lose
much money.
Also, the industry has never lost a
court case that has gone to a jury deci
sion. The tobacco industry would
probably not settle an out of court
agreement that would bankrupt them.
What the tobacco industry is trying
to achieve is immunity from future
prosecution.
The national lawsuit has met with
two stumbling blocks: first, there is bla
tant proof in the form of a memo the to
bacco industry is in fact targeting the
youth ages fourteen to eighteen.
Second, five Texas lawyers are
seeking their money, which is approx
imately half of what all the other
states would be receiving in the na
tional settlement.
So what does this settlement mean?
$15 billion for the congressmen to
fight over that the taxpayers will prob
ably never see.
There are five lawyers that were
able to prove the dangers of smoking
and receive an excessive amount of
money for this, and the government
has decided that it also their job to
control our kids.
Joe Schumacher is a junior
journalism major.