Idle threats from
editor of t-sip rag
A ggies. Merely mentioning the word
brings to mind images of stupidity and
sheer ignorance the likes of which are
unparalleled by modern man.
Aggies are stupid. Aggies know it. Long
horns know it. Hell, even Sooners know it and
they don’t know much of anything else. Aggies
are best known for being the brunt of a whole
category of jokes featuring Aggies so dumb
they drown in pickup beds, fall out of peanut
trees, fail the simplest of math tests. Further
more, enough of them have been known to for
nicate with sheep that it is now regarded as
commonplace by those not imprisoned in
Hee-Haw Hell.
Aggies even add to the fun and games by
crowing about their ludicrous exploits. Take,
for example, their much-publicized maroon
carrot.
While counterparts at the University of
Texas were breaking new ground with a new
form of carbon, Aggie researchers were break
ing new ground to plant a carrot. Lovely use
of funding.
But, perpetuating Aggie stereotypes, though
quite a lot of fun, is not news and it’s not even
challenging enough to be worthy of my time.
Y'all suck. The world knows it. Let’s move
on.
Being a newspaper, apd a damn fine one at
that, The Daily Texan would like to inform foot
ball fans everywhere of the biggest conspiracy
ever to surface. Call it theTex-Files, if you wish.
Through months and months of digging
and scraping, eavesdropping and bribing, pil
fering and spying, we, The Daily Texan staff are
about to out the biggest story since Watergate.
It began with a cellular phone conversation be
tween two football coaches that we intercept
ed at 13:47 on April 1, 1997.
“John, that you?”
“Yes, R.C. How are the sheep looking?”
“They’re looking mighty fine, John. Like pur-
ty maids all in a row. Why are you laughing?”
“No reason.”
“How’s the wine, John?”
“Great. I spent more time finding a great ‘63
Bordeaux than finding a defensive co-ordina-
tor. Why are you laughing?”
“No reason.”
“What do you need, R.C.?”
“Well, it’s about the game this year.”
“Already worrying about it?”
"Hell’s bells, John. You’d wony too if you
were under my kind of pressure. Ever since
some of you t-sips stole our dog a few years
back, it just ain’t been the same.”
“Do you mean it ‘has not been the same?”’
“Whatever. The alumni are all over me say
ing we can’t win the big game. Donations are
down. Hell, we’ve had to start cutting back.”
“Cutting back scholarships?”
“No. We had to quit giving players sports
cars. Now all we can afford is a fleet of Ford Fes-
tivas.”
“That must be rough. That was you guys’
best selling point for recruits.”
“Sure ‘nuff. Now, the guys in the athletic di
rector’s office want to get out of die Big 12. Say
we’d be better off playing high school ball.”
“Better watch out. Westlake is looking pret
ty good this year.”
“I know. Wouldn’t diat be embarrassing if we
lost to a high school team?”
“Yeah, R.C. Southwestern Louisiana was
bad enough last year.”
“You’re preaching to the choir, John. Even if
we don’t leave the Big 12. there’s a massive
movement to remove y’all from our schedule
next year. Y’all are just too good. And y’all just
keep whallopping the tar out of us.”
“We can’t let that happen, R.C. If Texas does
n’t play A&M, what will people do the day after
Thanksgiving?”
“I know. Got a plan?”
“Well, here’s what we can do. Since we just
won our third straight conference title, my job
is pretty secure. Get your people to schedule
games with a bunch of no-names. You know,
North Texas, Southwestern Louisiana, Texas
Tech.
Then, just blow ‘em out. I mean run up the
score. We’ll put together a pretty tough sched
ule. We’ll lose a few of them. Heck, we’ll lose a
lot. Make it look like we’re horrible. Maybe we
can even get a pretty long losing streak. We’ll
come in around 4-6.”
“Wouldn’t that mean you’d have to lose to
Missouri and Baylor?”
“Yeah, but it’ll be worth it. I am not sure how
I would tell James and Ricky they would not get
the opportunity to run all over that Wrecked
Crew defense you guys have.”
“That’s ‘Wrecking Crew’.”
“Sure it is.”
“Well, golly gee whillikers, John. That’s the
best plan I've ever heard of. No wonder they
call you a coaching genus.”
“I have my moments.”
Granted, it is far-fetched, but the best con
spiracies always are. It certainly is more plau
sible than thinking we did not intend to lose to
Missouri, Baylor, Oklahoma State, Tech ad nau-
seum.
Have fun on Friday. Tell your dates not to
wony. There won’t be much scoring from the
A&M side.
Good luck.
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