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^The Battalion
Opinion
K H
Friday
December 1, 1995
15
Look out. Longhorns
The
Battalion
Editorial
D ear Daily Toxin and other unfor
tunate students.
In the past, our editorial board
has gathered to write an open letter to
the t.u. student body trying to shed
light on all of your inadequacies before
the annual meeting of our football
team and your unorganized collection
of paid steroid experiment patients.
This year we don’t have to do that. The
following letter was submitted to The Battalion
last week. We feel it is a desperate cry for help and
hope you will do your best to see that you guys
change the atmosphere of your campus so that we
don’t run the risk of bursting our enrollment cap
by taking on all of your disgruntled students.
The Battalion Editorial Board
Dear Battalion Staff and students of Texas
A&M University,
Howdy and Whoop! Wow, it feels good to final
ly get that off my chest. I have spent the last
three months cowering here in my dorm room,
afraid that if I leave I will either be branded or
sent to panhandle on Sixth Street with thousands
of t.u. graduates.
I have to make this letter quick because if I am
caught, the texas cowboys are sure to reprimand
me. Frankly, I’m getting a little sick of the atmos
phere around here. I tried to go out the other day
for a beer, and I ran into six aspiring haiku poets,
three failed folk rock vocalists, two people selling
the latest in synthetic drugs, and one perfor
mance artist who was drinking his own urine be
fore a band of his admiring peers.
Finally, I managed to get away from my pro
fessors and made my way off campus. Alas, the
best I could come up with in the way of a good old
fashioned beer joint was a place that proudly
served Zima Gold and the newest beer-flavored
wine spritzer. I did get the opportunity to buy
three sets of love beads, five “water pipes,” four
tie-dye shirts, and a scratchy cassette of pseudo
reggae music on my way around campus.
As I write this, the ex-texan alumni club is cel
ebrating down the hall — for the first time in 15
years we actually have a legitimate football team.
I believe the celebration has something to do with
the fact that most of our student body has just
now discovered that we actually have a football
team.
Unfortunately, our student body is usually
drunk before, after and during every game, and
they are so busy hazing each other up in the
stands that they only have a dim perception of
Sour Deal
Daily Texan refuses friendly bet
what is going on down on the field.
Luckily, we’ve been getting all of
them more involved lately by tying in
the old t.u. tradition of hazing with the
newly discovered tradition of athletics.
Last time I checked, I think our
newest spin on combining these tradi
tions was to give each other two licks
with a paddle for a missed field goal
and five for a botched touchdown.
Here is one more reason to be thankful for our
football team this year: For the first time in
years, we haven’t had to spend our time pounding
on each other up in the stands, as our team loses
game after game after game.
I have to get a few things off my chest before
Saturday’s steer slaughter. Hell, if James Brown
doesn’t start, I doubt we would
be able to get past the
first round of
high school playoffs. I wouldn’t say that Brown is
our only good player, but when our team scrim
maged the other day and he didn’t make practice,
they were beaten easily by Connie’s College of
Cosmetology and Miss Emily’s Finishing School
for Young Women.
All of our newfound success leaves me wonder
ing just how we got so good this year, when we
have been getting roundly and devastatingly
stomped over the past few years by a wide variety
of opponents. Of course. Coach Mackovic is push
ing our team espe
cially hard, since
he knows that he
will be scouting
the high schools
for job opportunities when our team loses to A&M
for the 11th time in the past 12 years.
The poor guy really doesn’t have that much of
a chance to begin with, when you consider that he
is dealing with the second straight class of se
niors who have yet to know the pleasure of beat
ing Texas A&M.
But I guess we can look forward to going to the
Alamo Bowl when we lose. This will be especially
exciting for our team, considering that this bowl
didn’t even exist the last time our team beat
A&M. It gives us a whole new arena where we
can embarrass ourselves in front of a Texas
crowd. Maybe this time we can really push our
selves and score more than 3 points.
I just have to get out of this university, but I’m
not sure how to best go about it. I’ve thought
about going to our chancellor’s son to ask him for
some advice on what I should do, but then I re
membered he is attending Texas A&M.
I called up State Senator Judith Zaffirini, one
of our more noble graduates, but she was too
busy trying once again to steal another
Texas A&M System school. Actually, she
had set her sights on Kyle Field, saying
that it rightfully belonged in the t.u. sys
tem. But her fellow cohorts in crime in
formed her that the student section
was much too large to be filled by the
anemic t.u. student crowds.
She considered offering free beer at
the football games, but she found out
that most students simply bring in
their own whiskey and other sub
stances anyway.
I finally managed the courage to escape my
dorm room and mail you this letter from our stu
dent center.
Unfortunately, the post office had been stolen
by the Rustlers, who were convinced that it was
the mascot for another University. Even Greg
Brady grew out of mascot theft once he made it to
puberty.
So, as our student body rallies around the no
ble milk cow Bevo, I send you this, my desperate
plea for help.
Get me out of this 40-acre refuge for the Young
Bolsheviks before I change my name to Sunbeam
and join a nudist, atheist, Marxist, marijuana
farm. I can’t handle any more peace, love and
happiness. I want to get a real life and move to a
place where I can get a real education.
Beat the hell outta’ t.u.
Another jealous t-sip
Rob
Clark
Editor in
Chief
W hat a bunch
of losers.
I’m refer
ring, of course, to
our journalistic col
leagues in Austin,
The Daily Texan.
Now, all chest
thumping bravado
aside, I have
learned that school spirit and a
sense of adventure are serious
ly lacking on the Toxin staff.
Sure, they threw together a
sorry excuse for an editorial in
our yearly opinion-page battle.
But they wouldn’t put their
money where their mouths are.
I proposed a bet, in which I
would team up with Toby
Boenig, A&M student body
president, and bet on the
game with the t.u. student
body president and the Toxin
editor in chief.
But the edi
tor isn’t going
to be here.
For the
game of
the
centu
ry. Nice
school
spirit.
Even
more
dis
turb
ing
were the
responses
to my futile
efforts of try
ing to get
someone, anyone, on the
Toxin staff to accept the
bet.
Maybe they were scared
off by the terms of the wager.
It wasn’t anything violent or
grotesque, despite the sugges
tions of many.
What would have hap
pened was the losing tandem
would have to don a shirt of
the opposing school and sing
the rival’s school fight song
while they stand in Rudder
Fountain. A photograph of the
recital would appear in both
newspapers on Monday.
Nothing too extreme, but
enough to
make it in
teresting
and fun.
But no
one on the
Toxin staff
could deal
with it.
Maybe
they know something t.u.
Football Coach John Mackovic
doesn’t -— that A&M and the
Wrecking Crew will
send the longhorns
back to austin, wishing
they had never dared to
enter Kyle Field. Satur
day’s game will prompt the
longhorns to regret the de
cision to join the Big 12,
A&M’s new stomping
grounds starting next
year. Perhaps joining
Conference USA with
Cougar High would’ve
been a better choice.
As serious as the A&M-
t.u. rivalry gets, at least we
could have a little fun with
it. The bet proposal was all in
good fun, as was a
similar bet made
with Texas Tech’s
newspaper editor
earher this se
mester.
At least t.u.’s
student government
is a bit more willing than the
Toxin. Boenig and t.u.’s stu
dent association vice president
will go through with the bet
right after the game.
I suppose it’s consola
tion enough to know that
The Battalion is more dar
ing and innovative than
the poor excuse of a paper
the Toxin produces.
And as the Toxin’s re
porters flee Kyle Field and
speed out of College Station
after the longhorn mas
sacre at the hands of the
Aggies, they will not only
know which school has the
better team, but also
which school has the
better newspaper.
Bob Clark is a senior
journalism major
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'Best' apparent
in result of bet
The following is an ex
cerpt of an essay entitled
“Why t.u. is better than
Texas A&M University,”
that I was forced to write
after losing a bet to a t-sip
“friend” after the Texas
Tech game.
UT has a really nifty
tower, taller than the
Albittron Tower of
A&M, that lights up a
“#1” when t.u.
wins, and
the top floor
is a really comfortable
place to shoot
at innocent by
standers be
low.
Their Ath
letic Depart
ment far sur
passes that of
A&M, as
demonstrated by
the fact that quarter
back/ baseball player
Shea Morenz signed a
deal with the Yankees
(I bet he couldn’t wait
to get out of there) —
now their quarter back
is named after a fa
mous soul singer.
It is really cool that they
have a longhorn as a mascot.
They had to name him Bevo
because some Aggies branded
a big 13-0 on his ass a long
time ago. Bevo’s cool ‘cause
you can eat him. I don’t really
think Reveille would make
good hamburger meat.
The “Hook ‘Em, Horns!”
sign is far superior to that
of the “Gig ‘Em, Aggies!”
sign, because it utilizes two
fingers instead of just a
thumb. They have co-ed
cheerleaders, unlike the Ag
gies, who have Yell Lead
ers, who are macho hunks
from the Corps.
The UT burnt orange is
considered a much more sex
ier, appealing color than ma
roon in Austin bars, and it
really goes with the wigs
found on the Drag.
Rosalma Arcelay
Class of ’98
The Battalion encourages letters to
the editor and will print as many as
space allows. Letters must be 300
words or less and include the author's
name, class and phone number.
We reserve the right to edit letters
for length, style and accuracy. Letters
may be submitted in person at 013
Reed McDonald. A valid student ID is
required. Letters may also be mailed to:
The Battalion - Mail Call
013 Reed McDonald Fax:
I Texas A&M University (409) 845-2647
College Station, TX E-mail:
77843-1111 Batt@tamvm1. tamu.edu