Thursday, April Fools' Day
The Buttalion
Stacy Feducia's Other, Self-Referential
Blue mooning, not
Blue Hawaii for Elvis
As a new student at this fine Universi
ty, I feel the need to inform you Ags that
you have a media treasure in your midst.
In the realm of newspaper journalists,
there is an overall lack of fresh material to
expound upon. It is hard to find a dia
mond amongst all the coal. Your gem
shines like a full moon.
Of all the columnists that have re
hashed the issues of yesterday, today and
tomorrow, I have never experienced the
power of journalism as I have through the
works of Stacy Feducia. I have found her
narratives concerning her butt crack to be
the epitome of first class journalism. Her
buttocks yield fresh new scent in the clos
et of opinion moth balls.
As students of higher education, surely
you must have felt a sense of excitement
when Feducia's butt crack was first aired
in print. Didn't you realize that you were
wittnessing the work of a rising star? Fel
low Ags, we should join together in rais
ing Feducia's butt as a beacon to the
world that a new voice, has risen here in
College Station. May I be the first in ex
tending my thanks to Feducia. Her but
tocks have cast their light upon the eyes
and heart of one who can recognize ge
nius,
cost or temperature with anyone in the
entire world no matter what age, gender,
creed, sexuality or religion. Based on past
experience, I dare say personal hygiene
habits would not even get in the way.
So what I can't understand is why all
the segregation and separation. If sepa
rate groups are the answer, then why
don't we just form two lines, pick cap
tains, choose teams and play a giant game
of dodgeball. After the game we'd go to
Duddley's; the loosing team would buy
the first round, we'd drink some Shiner
and then we'd go home and take a nap.
All the people of the world would be
well-rested, relaxed and happy. The
point: sit back and let things take their
course as nature would have it. Nothing
is really that big of a deal.
So, when people try to tell you that
something needs to get done to further
their "cause," just remember what Bill
Murray said in Meatballs, "It just doesn't
matter!" Say it with me now! "It just
doesn't matter!" "It just doesn't matter!"
"It just doesn't matter!" "It just doesn't
matter!"
percenting, bow- headed. Corps Turd,
frat daddy SBs that are tree-hugging.
Bonfire-building, Earth friendly and
ozone-depleting, on and off Sco-Pro and
the Dean's List, unemployed, underpaid,
financial aid and scholarship receiving,
Asian, Hispanic, Indian, African, Italian,
Greek, Russian, Slavic, Haitian, Scottish-
Americans, on and off campus-living lib
erals and conservatives who are Jerry Fal-
well. Oral Roberts, Robert Tilton, PTL-fol-
lowing Atheist, Agnostics, Assemblies of
God, Hari Krishnas, Catholic, Protestant,
Islamic, Buddhist, Hindu, Zen-Rastarifar-
ian, Jewish, Mormon, Jehovahs Witnesses,
Christian Scientists, Branch Davidian and
Satan-worshiping holy rollers and Ko
ran/Bible thumpers.
So the next time you "Get it in the
Butt," remember this: We pretend to be
journalists because you pretend to be stu
dents.
nization or function. What do you think I
am, queen of ESP?
I have no complaints really about let
ters, only that sometimes you non-jour
nalists get a little carried away with the
adjectives. Try to stick with the topic
you're writing about and please don't
ramble on. I have to admit, for the most
part your letters have been interesting.
Time is short, enough of the Battalion
stuff! I hope everyone has a great April
Fool's Day! For those who are as gullible
as I am, be on your toes!
Willie is better than
Elvis, angry CT saysp
Carrie Mhira
Class of'95
'Schoolhouse Rock'
in library with Elvis
Heather Winch
Class of '95
Elvis concert sparks
Buttalion clerk revolt
Kyle Burnett
Class of '94
Roy Clay
Class of'94
Elvis is everything,
so is The Buttalion
Reader thinks Elvis
should go to Dudd's
It never fails! As I sit in class waiting
for the lecture to start I can't help but
fel
With this letter, I am not calling for ac
tion. I am calling for just the opposite, in
action. Although, some would argue that
inaction is a societal evil, I would just as
soon not talk about it. After all, what
does it really matter?
Why does everyone have an agenda
that he or she must get accomplished no
matter what the costs? Why does every
issues have two factions that will not ex
tend even the most common of courtesies
to the opposing side?
What issue is of such mind-boggling,
priority-needing, earth-shattering impor
tance and complexity that it cannot be
solved with a beer and a nap? Hell, I
would drink a beer of any kind, make.
overhear the lewd remarks of my fellow
classmates as they read the current issue
of The Buttalion. These comments run the
gamut of "those pinko Commies,"
"tree-hugging liberals, back-assed Red
necks," "Neo-Nazi skinheads," "dope
smoking, freedom-loving hippies," and
so on.
As a copy editor at the Butt, I will be
the first to tell you that we are all of those
things and more. We at The Buttalion are
your average homo/heterosexuals and
self-satisfying, self-centered, philanthrop
ic, pro- and anti-abortion, Simpsons-
watching. Libertarian, closet Democrat/
Republicans who not only stretch the
truth but also report the facts to the best
of our abilities while protesting for abor
tion-, women's-, gay-, equal-, and animal'
rights and still have the time to bum our
bras, books, Bibles, and American flags.
We are also a bunch of non-reg, two-
• I'm just a peon here at the Buttalion.
I come in each day and perform my job as
a clerk. Yes, my job is to answer dumb
questions on the telephone, handle
"What's Up" (such as the meetings for the
Pig Lips Eating Club), and type in all of
your letters to the editor. Now it is my
turn to write you a letter! Being quite an
optimistic person and a non-journalist, I
used to be quite oblivious to the problems
of this campus and world. But thank you,
Texas A&M! Now I know everyone's
problems and more.
Seriously, I have quite enjoyed your
letters, and some of them are so petty that
they make me laugh. As for the positive
letters such as the one I just typed about
the guy who carried his books on his
head and made a girl laugh, thank you
very much because you have now made
me smile too! You make my low status,
minimum wage, uninteresting job worth
while! (Of course I really quite enjoy the
extra cash, the people at the Battalion, the
employment experience, etc., but it's
April 1! This is my chance to say all I
ever wanted!) Have a great day!
Wren Eversberg
Class of '93
• Working here at the Battalion has
been a great experience for me. As a
writer, clerk and productions worker, I
get to hear all of the readers complain
time and time again about what a terrible
job we staffers do. Now it's my turn to
gripe at you about the "little" things that
you do to make my life miserable.
There is no business for anyone to sub
mit a "What's Up" submission if they
don't even know the name of their orga-
Rising out of the coastal steppes of
East Texas, Sterling C. Evans Library - ar
chitecture strangely reminiscent of the
Jawa's sand-crawler in the classic movie
Star Wars - assaults our academic sky
line.
Recent criticisms of the fightin' Texas
Aggie Library make my maroon blood
boil. Aggies are to believe that Evans
doesn't have enough books, journals and
money. What an outrage!
Evans possesses one of the largest
scarce- and hard-to-find book collections
in the nation somewhere in its prodigious
bowels, which more than offsets any
deficit the library might have in the total
number of volumes it carries. Further,
Evans does not engage in the tawdry aca
demic fad of keeping a well stocked^ peri
odical and journal department, saving
Aggies thousands of dollars which we
can turn around and spend on football
games, koozies and CD's.
Finally, Evans has been an innovator
on the cutting edge (no pun intended) of
the occult art of keeping library patrons
happy. For instance, Evans' scenic tours
to its Texas branch provide Aggie stu
dents an opportunity to view wildflow-
ers, a service no other library can boast.
And just last fall, Evans presented an
avant-garde olfactory art exhibit. Visitors
could be observed heaving and lunging
out of the Periodicals Department due to
the exhibit's concentrated alcohol fumes.
Sewage was backed up in the same wing
of the library for the occasion. The skull
and crossbones annunciating this historic
exhibit created a dark and brooding at
mosphere in which to fumble through
newspapers, gag on fumes and contem
plate the glorious end of Western Civi
lization. I was touched and quite possibly
toxic for a week afterward. During the
exhibit, I thought I saw a Jawa scurry
around a book shelf. No doubt it was sal
vaging and making do in this desert.
All right. I've heard enough. Being a
CT and a redneck I've seen my share of
racist and harassment accusations. And I
can't deny what my less intelligent peers
may have done. However at The Buttal
ion it seems that I am the minority.
To begin with, every time I ordera
hamburger, the entire vegetarian-hippie
staff forms a picket line outside the door
to prevent me from getting to my evil-
burger (which is probably tofu and soy
beans anyway). I was even tricked into
eating a cleverly-disguised veggie roll,
and I ve heard that a few of the devoted
are holding an exorcism to scourge meof
my "Damn it-give-me-two-pounds-of-
steak-and-a-Lone Star " attitude.
Following that, I am forced to defend
the "yodeling" of Willie Nelson against
the "enlightened" music of P.M. Dawr
and other such weirdos wonderful
singers (Note the inevitable editing by the
new-age opinion weirdos wonderful peo
ple). Face it. Willie can sing better thanl
can . . . who am I to complain?
And my membership in the Corps pro
vokes all sorts of verbal harassment. lam
continually forced to answer stupid ques
tions like ^How do they decide which G
blocks traffic while the rest run by?"
1 am tired of being subjected to this
treatment by these liberal, carrot-munch
ing activists. I call upon the conservatives
of A&M (there's probably a few) to de
mand equality of the press and apply
The Buttalion for this summer and next
fall.
Dave Thomas
Class of '93.
Opin-yawn Editor
explains Elvis theory
It was a dark and rainy night -- of
course, we at the Battalion office couldn't
tell because our orifice is in the basement
— nevertheless, it was on such a night that
the original 'Buttalion' was bom back in
the early 1980s.
And it was on such a night that the'I
Have NO Life Club' at the Batt decidedto
pay homage to our forebears, throw cau
tion to the wind, respect libel laws and
present the April Fools' Day paper. Don't
panic: WE ARE MAKING THIS UP! WE
wiLl reVert back to our boring Selves to
morrow. April FoolS is the only Kind of
day that we caN Get away with this! So
enjoy it while you can. '
But just remember, Rex^lle is the ille
gitimate daughter of Lassie and Benjy.
Matthew K. Dickerson
Class of2000
Stacy Feducia
Ruler of the known worli
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