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Page 2/The Battalion/Wednesday, January 11,1989
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Yo, Delta! Stevie’s going to shut you down
OK. That’s it. I’ve had it. No more. I somewhere, are you going to be silly usually happens is that some decent, up- stewardesses give that awful example of and Captain Kangaroo has turned
thearby announce that air travel any- enough to not show up? These people standing, non-tardy person has put safety devices. Please don t forget to the “FASTEN SEAT BELTS” sign.
OK. I h^t’s it. I’ve had it. No more. I
hearby announce that air travel any
where n£ar Christmas should be made
illegal, j
[ ^
I don’t just speak for myself on this
one. This one is for the countless mil
lions of people who clutter the skies for
the last two weeks of December and the
First two weeks of January every year.
The problem? Everybody wants on
the same plane. The airlines, always in a
hurry to make every dollar they can,
overbook the flight.
l J Si' > .
Then, for whatever reason, the
countless few who arrive late for what
ever reason (traffic, parking, sftipidity)
mob the front desk begging for some
body else to be later than they were.
What’s stupid about stand-bys? If you
shell out $200 or more for a non-refun-
dable, non-transferable ticket to go
somewhere, are you going to be silly
enough to not show up? These people
hope so.
The best thing about stand-bys is that
they make the plane late. Once all the
normal, regularly booked passengers
are on board, they have to make a head
count to see if there’s room. If there is,
then the people on stand-by get on and
try to put their carry-on baggage in the
overhead compartment that has long
since been Filled.
Here begins a quest known as the
Search For the Half-Empty (or Half-
Full — some stand-bys are incurably op
timistic) Overhead Baggage Compart
ment.
It goes like this: The First stand-by on
the plane Finds a seat, then goes down
the aisle looking for a baggage compart
ment with little or no luggage in it. What
usually happens is that some decent, up
standing, non-tardy person has put
their coat in the compartment.
Said coat, being soft and light, offers
no resistance when the four foot by two
Steve
Masters
Sank* Staff Writer
foot soft-sided garment bag Finds every
little nook and cranny in the compart
ment. The result? A coat that a home
less person wouldn’t be caught wearing.
After The Quest has ended, this per
son walks back to his or her seat, going
against the flow of traffic of the other
stand-bys who are still looking for their
seats and have yet to start their own
Quest.
Finally, everybody sits down and the
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stewardesses give that awful example of
safety devices. “Please don’t forget to
fasten your seatbelt. Our studies show
that, should we be in a head-on collision,
your seat belt will prevent you from
running helter-skelter to the exit before
we go below 10,000 feet.”
They also offer this gem: “In the
event of the loss of cabin pressure (a
seemingly rare occurence until recently)
an air mask will drop down in front of
you.”
They should stop here, because if I
couldn’t breathe and anything remotely
resembling an air mask appeared, I
don’t think I would have much trouble
Figuring it out.
The plane takes off, and they close
the curtain to First class. They don’t
want the lower class to revolt when they
see the niceties offered to First-class
fliers.
I’ve heard rumors that with today’s
threats of terrorism, they have cyanide
pills ready for First-class patrons in case
they don’t want to feel any pain when
the plane hits the ground.
Then they feed you. Airline food re
defines the “pot-luck” dinner. In this
case, only two people show up with
food, and one of them can’t cook.
“Excuse me, sir? Would you like the
Stewed Scandinavian Shrimp Tentacles
or cold cereal?”
It’s always amazed me how they can
fit meals for over 100 people in that
little cart although I can never find
enough room to put my groceries in the
refrigerator.
After eating, you sit and wonder
about the nutritional values of shrimp
tentacles. You slowly drift off to sleep
with this happy thought.
You wake up with the Captain (prob
ably Kangaroo) telling you how long the
landing has been delayed.
Finally, you land. This is an anxious
time for everybody. The stewardesses
tell you to leave your seatbelt on until
the plane has come to a complete stop
and Captain Kangaroo has turned off
the “FASTEN SEAT BELTS” sign.
Yeah, right. The plane touches down
and people are in the aisles getting their
bags. Oops! Probably should have
waited until we were through braking.
The best thing about carry-on bags is
that you don’t have to worry about the
airline losing them. Anything you check
in is fair game. But let’s say you get your
bags all right. What has happened?
You’re home (or hopefully wherever
you wanted to be).
By outlawing Christmas air travel we
could accomplish several things:
• Save a lot of money.
• Give the airlines time to check their
planes over just a little more thor
oughly.
• Put the terrorists out of business.
They wouldn’t even be able to get here
without planes, if they are here, what
arc they going to do? Hijack taxis?
“Take me to Cuba!"
“You gotta be kiddin’, Mac! Get outta
here!”
• Allow flight crews to stay home and
think of new recipes to serve in-flight.
• Allow everybody to stay home and
watch more f<x>tball and cologne com
mercials on television.
• Prevent more family Fights by sepa
rating family members, thus making
this a kinder, gentler nation.
• Send packages by mail so that in
animate objects would be late instead of
humans. Maybe if everybody spent the
money from plane tickets on stamps, the
Postal Service wouldn’t have to run
commercials and there would be time
for more of tlx>se cologne commercials.
• Prevent silly columns like this one
from ever appearing again. (I knew this
one would meet with your approval.)
Steve Masters is a senior journalism
major, senior staff writer, and guest
columnist for The Battalion.
*
1 m ' i
Anyone need to use my automatic flosser?
Another Christmas, another bunch of
gadget gifts from my relatives and
friekKis.
I’m not certain why I always get gad
gets for Christmas, but it might have to
do with the fact that all my relatives and
Lewis
Grizzard
Columnist
friends consider me to be a helpless per-
W
Otherwise, why would any person
give me a device that is supposed to
make flossing my teeth less .compli
cated?
I’ll admit I’m still not sure which fin
gers to wrap the floss around, but I
eventually would have Figured that one
out.
However, 1 now have this thing that
sort of looks like a slingshot, and you
wrap the floss around it and there’s a
handle.
So, now 1 don’t' have to remember
which fingers to use when I’m flossing,
and if I ever needed to go out and kill a
The Battalion
(USPS 045 560)
Member of
Texas Press Association
Southwest Journalism Conference
The Battalion Editorial Board
Becky WeisenfeU, Editor
Leslie Guy, Managing Editor
Dean Sueltenfuss. Opinion Page Editor
Anthony Wilson. City Editor
Scot Walker. Wire Editor
Drew Leder, News Editor
Doug Walker. Sports Editor
Jay Janner, Art Director
Mary-Lynne Rice,
Entertainment Editor
squirrel for dinner, 1 suppose 1 could
load up my flosser with a couple of
rocks and go stalk around some trees
until I have found some suitable prey.
And speaking of fixxl, I suppose my
friends and relatives think 1 don’t know
where any good seafood restaurants are
either.
I got a pocket Fisherman this year. I
suppose if I can’t kill any squirrels with
my flosser, and if I happen to be passing
any major bodies of water, I could park
my car, lake my pocket Fisherman out of
my pocket and try to cast for a few fried
flounders or blackened redfish.
I almost forgot about the automatic
toothbrush 1 got to go along with my
flosser. You plug it into the wall, put it
into your mouth, and the automatic
toothbrush does just about everything
else for you.
At first, I had a problem with my au
tomatic toothbrush.
I’d put toothpaste on it, switch it on, 1
and it made these violent motions that
would spray the toothpaste all over the
room.
I told the person who gave me the gift
about the problem I was having with it.
“What you have to do is put the tooth
brush in your mouth before you switch
it on," she explained. “That way you
don’t spray the toothpaste all over the
bathroom.”
I would have Figured that out even
tually, too.
1 also received a device that will give
me hot lather with which to shave my
self.
It sits there with my flosser and my
automatic toothbrush, and I plug it into
the wall and I have got some hot lather.
BLOOM COUNTY
The neighbors will probably find out
about this and will always be over
asking, “May I borrow a cup of hot la
ther?" — especially the newlyweds
across the street, who are really into
reading the letters to Penthouse mag-
I also received a radio for my shower
this Christmas. So I can keep up on any
late-breaking news while I’m washing
between my toes.
I also received an electric shoehorn,
another thing that follows me around to
see where I put my car keys and then
tells me where they are when I forget
where I put them, a mechanical banana
peeler, a partridge in a pear tree that
gives the time and can be used as a
lamp, a security system that goes under
my bed and sounds off if there’s a three-
eyed monster under there, and another
beeper that goes off if I walk outside my
house having neglected to zip my fly.
- i
All I didn’t get that I needed was a
machine that’s smart enough to Figure
out how the video tape player I bought,
works. . • . »
Maybe next year.
Copyright 1988, Cowles Syndicate
by Berke Breathed
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BLOOM COUNTY
by Berke Breathed
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