Page 2/The Battalion/Monday, September 26, 1988
Opinion
We must be nuts to put up with squirrels
Ceni
forr
Chi'
I’ve heard peo
ple complain that
Aggie football
players and their
coach strut
around campus
like they own the
place. Some peo
ple gripe about
how the Corps of
Cadets acts like it
runs the Univer
sity, while others
Anthony
Wilson
moan about the Greeks taking over. But
these delusions of grandeur just aren’t
In fact, not even Dr. William Mobley,
Texas A&M’s president, nor the illus
trious Board of Regents have free reign
of campus. Only one group has com
plete freedom of what it does on cam
pus — the squirrels. That’s right, the
squirrels rule Aggieland.
Stop and think about it. The A&M
campus is squirrel heaven. There’s only
one dog on campus and it’s always kept
on a leash by the Corps of Cadets.
There’s plenty of trees. And there’s cer
tainly no shortage of nuts in Aggieland.
I’m starting to wonder whether the
squirrels around here aren’t really re
incarnations of the likes of Lawrence
Sullivan Ross, General Earl Rudder,
and E. King Gill. The squirrels can do
anything they want and go anywhere
they want without anyone taking of
fense. They can even walk on the Me
morial Student Center grass without
anyone throwing a tantrum.
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You should have seen him blow his top.
He stopped dead in his tracks and
waved his little balled-up fist at the
woman while something like this was
probably going through his mind:
rel — a fact their twisted, demented
little minds abuse daily.
They sit in a tree, throw acorns to get
Rev’s attention and say things such as
this:
naturally wants to pel it. Usually this
dolt is a freshman male trying to im
press a female companion by showing
her how brave he is and how much ani
mals love him.
Yes, the squirrels can get away with
anything at A&M. And don’t think that
they don’t know it.
I’ve been watching them especially
close since the beginning of school and
I’ve started to see a pattern to their
rather obnoxious behavior. For exam
ple, the other day I saw a woman almost
run down a squirrel while riding her
moped to class.
“Geez, almost squashed like a grape
by a fat chick on a moped! Yo skeezer,
why don’t you get your burly butt off
that thing and walk to class! Is that cellu
lite on your thighs or are you wearing
jello pants? Crimony, that bow’s so big it
ought to have its own area code! Of
course, only a head that big and that Hat
could support that Rhode Island-sized
kite of a head ornament!”
And boy, was that squirrel peeved.
I’ve noticed that the squirrels’ favorite
pastime is hunting down Reveille and
taunting her unmercifully. Unless she
learns to climb trees, poor Rev, like the
quizillions of canines before her, doesn’t
stand a chance of ever catching a squir-
‘‘Hey Reveille, Morris the Cat and me
are up here looking at nude pictures of
your mother! Why don’t you come up
and join us? And what’s this I hear
about you, Spuds MacKenzie and some
kind of sorted affair? Spuds is a bitch —
a real bow-wow with a capital B. Oh, and
by the way, I hear congratulations are in
order. You won the ugliest mascot in the
Southwest Conference for the 28th
straight year. You know, everyone has
the right to be ugly, but you’re abusing
it, babe!”
The squirrel just sits back on hi:-
haunches, rolls his eyes and thinks to
himself:
But nothing ruffles a squirrel’s dan
der more than someone who acts like
he’s never seen a squirrel before and
‘‘Jump back. Junior. And keep those
hands to yourself. No telling where
those things have been. You probably
had your finger up your nose to the
third joint ten minutes ago. Why don’t
you use that campus map to find your
way back to your dorm room so that you
can change into something that
matches. Jiminy Christmas, you must
know as much about squirrels as you do
about fashion. I could be an AIDS car
rier, fella. Talk about a real turn-off for
Matilda Dewberry there. I just hope you
two never have a child. That kid mi
be the world’s first walkingcondomi
1 lowever, the squirrels do putupaj
cade of niceness to us when they
we can satisfy one of their primal need
For instance, a male squirrel will real
turn on the charm machine when
spots a lovely, young coed stroll™
across campus. He’ll scamper o
front of her to get her attention,
play the cutesy bit to the hilt. Butallilj
while he’ll be thinking:
‘‘OWWWWWW-OW! You knowl
love to get you back to my padatih
Century free — a.k.a. Ectasy H.Q.j
the mere sight of you sends enoughk
mones coursing through my veins
launch the space shuttle. So if you a
to swing on a star, carry moonheau
home in a jar and be better offthanfn
are — well come on and I’ll show
my scars. ”
But a squirrel’s flamboyance and
confidence levels can sometimes gel
in trouble. Last year, one
squirrel caused a blackout on campusl
flinging himself into a generator attl*
physical plant. But before this dartdt
vil’s death-defying stunt, in w
ended up looking like the bottomoftla
first batch of chocolate chip cookie
your girlfriend ever made you, he»n
was probably saying to himself:
‘‘That pencil-neck Rocky thinksk
hot tacos just because he can fly
the star of his own cartoon show, Hi
w ho couldn’t outshine a moose withik
botomy. But this stunt will reallytni
waves. Probably make headlinesinii
Battalion. / can see it now — “Sn
squirrel blacks out Aggieland." lit hy nit
here goes. KOW-A-BUNGAAA.\'
(Explosion and sparks) YEOWWt
HOLY&*%$&>&*. ”
So the next time you 're crossing a pear-ol
pus and you spot one of (hose Mpis ni<
fuzzy-tailed nutcrackers, donik
f ooled. They know who’s boss atom
Aggieland.
Anthony VY'ilson is a senior jom
lism major and opinion pageeditorh
The Battalion.
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No c
Mail Call
A&M insensitive to others’ beliefs
EDITOR:
The graduation ceremonies on Aug. 12 left both positive and negative
impressions with me.
It was wonderful to see the great diversity of backgrounds among the
graduates. A glance at the program showed that people had come from all over the
world to study at Texas A&M. What a tribute to the quality of education offered
here! And what a great chance for our Texas students to learn world culture,
geography, and politics firsthand!
This same diversity of student backgrounds was ignored by the person giving
the invocation and benediction. The evening’s objective was to honor the academic
achievements of hundreds of graduates — all of the graduates, including the non-
Christians. I admire those who witness to their faith in Jesus Christ, but this was
not the right time or place. At a public university, shouldn’t prayers be sensitive to
the variety of personal beliefs held by those being honored? In the spirit of
brotherhood, wouldn’t references to our Creator, or God, or our Divine Master be
much more courteous and just as reverent?
I’m not saying that we must dilute our personal faith and values in order to live
in harmony. Hold steadfast to the truth as you see it. But if A&M is to become a
world-class university, all who are a part of it must move beyond a patronizing
tolerance to a true cherishing of the diversity within the famed Aggie unity.
Sara Puig Laas
Graduation policy stinks
EDITOR:
As a graduating senior, I am disappointed with many aspects of the adopted
graduation policy:
1. I hav,nt worked for four years to walk across the stage not really knowing if I
am actually graduating. What happens if I get a D in one of my major classes and
am not eligible for commencement?
2. We will not be receiving our official diplomas when we graduate. Oh sure,
they’re going to mail us our official seals a few weeks later. The Acme School of
Do-It-Yourself diplomas will do the same for $19.95. They even send you a free set
of knives if you order now.
3. Finals are scheduled to last until the day of graduation. I have a final
scheduled for the morning of my graduation. “Sorry, Grandma, I can’t spend any
time with you because I have to study for a final. Thanks for coming 1,000 miles,
though.”
The main excuse I get for each of these complaints is “That is the way most
schools do it.” Since when has A&M been like most schools?
Julia Lenzer ’88
Accompanied by 74 signatures
Letters to the editor should not exceed 300 words in length. The editorial staff reserves the right to edit letters for style
and length, but will make every effort to maintain the author’s intent. Each letter must be signed and must include the
classification, address a?id telephone number of the writer.
SAT just too darn easy for white males
he cas<
isCou
There has been
a great deal of dis
cussions recently
concerning the
fairness of the
Scholastic Apti
tude Te3t (SAT),
which is used to
determine how
many smarts
young people
have.
Studies have in-
Lewis
Grizzard
dicated white males do better on the test
than other groups, indicating bias.
So, what are we going to do about
that?
Are we just going to sit back and say,
“Well, I guess that just means white
males are smarter than anybody else?”
Of course not. That would make us
racist, sexist swine who probably go to
see movies like “The Last Temptation of
Ghrist” and aren’t offended by it.
What we need to do about all this is
cjuite clear to me. Why somebody
doesn’t do well on a test is because he or
she doesn’t know the answers to certain
questions.
The way to get around that is to ask
each individual only those questions he
or she knows the answers to.
That way, everybody — regardless of
age, race, sex, religious af filiaton or hat
size — would make a perfect score every
time, thus virtually wiping out racism
and sexism as we know it today.
The new testing system would work
like this.
Each individual test-taker would meet
first with a test-monitor. To assure any
further bias, the monitor would be of
the same sex, race, etc. of that individ
ual.
Together they would go over the test.
The questions the individual didn’t
know the answers to would be thrown
out in the spirit of fairness, equality and
keeping hope alive.
After the individual finished his or
her (or its) test, the monitor would
grade it and then smile and say, “Con
gratulations, Arlene (Jesse, Judn, Run
ning Buffalo, Chang, Conshita), you
have taken the test and you have aced
that sucker!”
These individuals could then go on to
the college or university of their chi
and become rocket scientists.
The only remaining question her:
what do we do about the white mi
who’ve been hogging all the
grades on the SAT exams.
Although I’m a white male myself,
still think we should be made to
price for having the test geared tons
these years.
We should have no pre-testintervil
We should not have the questions
don’t know the answers to thrownouti
We should still have to struggle
sweat over questions about cosiness!
logarithms.
We should still be made queasysi
unsure about answering such questii
as “What is the capital of Denmark?”
it Copenhagen or Seattle?
And we should have a difficult
getting into the colleges and universil
of our choice because everybody
will have perfect grades on their Si
and there we’ll be back in the 1200’s
And since all the rocket scientists]#
will be taken, I guess the only thingk
for us to do is join the National Guard
Copyright 1988, Cowles Syndicate
l
BLOOM COUNTY
by Berke Breathd
ic
The Battalion
(USPS 045 360)
Member of
Texas Press Association
Southwest Journalism Conference
The Battalion Editorial Board
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D A Jensen,
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Leslie Guy, Entertainment Editor
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BLOOM COUNTY
by Berke Breathe!
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