Page 2/The Battalion/Thursday, August 4, 1988
Opinion
So is it declared by the Almighty, so shall you be bald
Richard
Williams
I’m a firm be
liever that God has
a good sense of
humor. Every
morning when I
look in the mirror
I see proof of one
of God’s jokes. I’m
going bald.
Some people
think that God is
the reason for so
many of the bad
things in the world. I think God is re
sponsible for most of the better jokes we
have.
I can see God sitting around in his ce
lestial living room with all of the angels.
They’re all bored because the Writers’
Guild is still on strike and no more plots
are being written for “Highway to Heav
en.”
I can almost hear the conversation.
God, always the life of the party, says
to his next to favorite angel, Mack,
“Hey, how about one of my great jokes
to liven up the party.”
Mack bolts upright and starts to
smile.
God begins to think and then won
ders aloud if he can find a joke to beat
the time he made Bill Clements gover
nor again.
Mack: “How about making a crook at
torney general.”
God: “I’ve already pulled that one.”
Mack: “This is going to be tough. Do
you have any great ones in the works?”
God: “Would you believe I’m going to
give the PTL back to Jim and Tammy
Faye? That one is going to be better
then the Jimmy Swaggertjoke I pulled
earlier this year.”
Mack: “That’s good, but do you have
anything better.”
God: “How about if I let a Democrat
back in the White House?”
Mack: “Don’t you think that’s just a
little bit too cruel? Hey, what do you
really think is the best one you’ve ever
pulled?”
God: “Gee, I don’t really know. I
think it’s a toss-up between making men
go bald and the trips I keep giving Elvis
back to earth.”
Making men go bald is God’s way of
evening up the pain during that child
birth thing. Baldness is one of God’s
more cruel jokes.
It’s not that going bald is such a bad
thing. Many bald men I know wear (or
don’t wear) it well. It’s just that it hap
pens so slowly that men have a hard
time accepting the fact that one day sun
light will bounce off their head and
blind a motorist. This will, of course,
cause a major interstate accident.
It wouldn’t be so cruel if you could
just wake one day and find your hair is
missing. If that happened, men would
adjust quicker.
As it goes now, men go bald over a
very slow period of time. At age 17 1 no
ticed my hair was thinning. Personally
I’ve never found this to be much of a
problem. Other men haven’t handled it
so well.
Doctors have all sorts of explainations
about why men go bald. I’ve heard the
hat theory, the chemical theory and the
genetics theory. I’m about to give you
the real reason. Knowing that God has a
sense of humor allowed me to figure out
this baldness thing.
Boys who make jokes about bald men
catch some virus that God created to
make people go bald. The virus can only
attack those that make jokes about bald
people.
Some people will wonder why women
who make jokes about don’t go bald.
That’s easily explained by the child birth
thing.
I’ve accepted the fact that I’m going
bald. My wife, my friends and my par
ents have all accepted the fact that I’m
going bald. My hairstylist (never call
them barbers or they’ll give you the Don
King haircut.) has not accepted the fact
that I’m going bald.
I think my hairstylist is in on the joke.
Everytime I get my hair cut he tries to
leave the hair on the back of my head
long enough to pull over the front of my
head. If I don’t stop him from doing
this I end up stepping on my hair after a
strong wind blows.
I don’t mind being bald because it’s
supposed to be a sign of maturity. Not
that I’m mature, but I at least have
sign that I might become mature one
day.
Sometimes I wonder if God didn’t get
tired of the joke and decide to liven it up
by coming up with the hair growth in
dustry.
I can just see God and the angels
laughing about the new super-duper
natural quick growing hair replacement
formula from the University of Bullan-
quack in Finland.
I can just see God telling the angels
God: “Hey guys I’ve finally
out a way to improve on the hai:j
thing. I’m going to get these:
television preachers to start
ter that will stop hair loss.” oppos<
mrinb'
Mack: “Does it work?” B The
God: “Of course not. All it i
is cause women to look at you I
Richard Williams is a senior agn'gL. f;segl
ral journalism major and editor cm Not
Battalion. Kgard
aid, “
Our Evans Library needs some desperate
lained
It i;
rustet
Dr. Irene
H oadley points
wi th pride (The
Battalion, Aug. 2)
to the fact that be-
tween 1974-75
and 1986-87 the
Evans Library
Dr. Larry
Hickman
Guest Columnist
moved from 87th to 48th place among
university libraries, and to the fact that
its budget was substantially increased
during that period. She also reminds us
that the University experienced a con
siderable rise in enrollment during that
period.
But it is important to examine those
figures more closely. It is true that the
library experienced a period of consid
erable growth from 1974 to 1984. But
then what happened? The picture is not
a pretty one. The chart shows figures
based on official Texas A&M University
budgets between 1981-82 and 1988-89:
Note that the proposed expenditure
for books and periodicals for 1988-89 is
$2,142,884. This represents 0 percent
growth over the budget for 1987-88. It
is necessary to go back to 1981-82 to
find a lower dollar amount budgeted
for books and periodicals.
But matters are even worse. A conser
vative estimate puts inflation from 1981
to 1988 at 25.18 percent. In other
words, it takes $12.52 in 1988 to buy a
book that cost $ 10 in 1981.
How does that compare with Dr.
Hoadley’s budgets during that same pe
riod? Her total library budget for 1988-
89 is only one half of one percent (0.45
percent) ahead of inflation. This
mmeans that there has been no real
growth of budgeted library funds dur
ing the past seven years.
Her budget for books and periodi
cals, however, lost 22.79 percent during
that same period. In other words, if she
immediately asked for another
$488,363 to supplement her request for
1988-89, she would then have a budget
equal in constant dollars to her budget
for 1981-82. This \yould represent zero
growth, but it
would at least re
turn the library to
its status in 1981.
The sad fact is
that Dr. Hoadley
has overseen the
loss of almost a
quarter of her
budget for books
and periodicals
during only seven
years.
1984-85
1987-88
1988-89 (proposed)
Percent change
Total library
dollars budgeted
per student
188
171
N/A
-9.04%
Book/periodical
dollars budgeted
per student
72
55
N/A
-23.61%
Total budget
6,943,728
6.718,955
-3.23%
Budget for
books/periodicals
2,635,442
2,142,884
-18.69%
dents.
These figures
are very conservative. As Dr. Hoadley
frequently reminds us, the rate of infla
tion for domestic books and periodicals
has been substantially higher during the
past few years than the consumer price
index for all goods and services. In ad
dition, the weaker dollar has made the
prices of foreign journals rise even
more steeply. In light of these facts, a
more realistic estimate of the erosion of
the library’s budget for books and peri
odicals would have to be put somewhere
between 30 percent and 40 percent. I
should mention, parenthetically, that
the library’s software acquisitions are
counted against the budget for books
and periodicals.
Addressing the noise problem, Dr.
Hoadley uses the passive voice twice in
one sentence. “It is hoped that some
progress will be made ...” George Or
well, who was well known for his sensiti
vity for the English language, reminded
us that the passive voice is the voice of
anonymity, of reluctance to assume re
sponsibility. I believe that responsible
action by the library director is required
in three areas.
• Budget — The budget must be re
stored and improved.
1. The director should mount an ag
gressive campaign to alert the Univer
sity community to the extent to which
the library has been gutted. The direc
tor should be more aggressive with the
University administration regarding her
budget requests.
2. The considerable talents of the
University Development Foundation, a
major fundraising arm of the Univer
sity, should be brought to bear on li
brary funding. Our former students,
our friends, our benefactors need to
know that the library, one of the most
vital organs of the entire University, is
not receiving proper nourishment. We
need a sizeable endowment for the li
brary.
• Noise — Noise levels must be low
ered. There are several ways in which
this can be done.
1. Signs requesting silence should be
put at the entrance to the library and at
appropriate places around the library.
This works for hats in the MSG, and it
can work for noise in the library.
2. Library staff should conduct their
business in quiet tones and insist that li
brary patrons do likewise.
3. Group study areas should be iso
lated from those utilized for individual
study. This separation should be en
forced.
4. Alternative study halls should be
provided for those who do not require
the use of library materials. A recent in
formal survey done by library staff indi
cated that on any given evening between
8 p.m. and 9 p.m. about 70 percent of
those surveyed were not in the library to
use its materials. The Pavilion would
provide a good study hall for these stu-
5. All food and
drink vending ma
chines should be
moved out of the li
brary and into the
Pavilion. There is
no reason why se-
rious scholars
should have to do
combat with empty
Coke cans and
roaches. Since
vending machines
come under the purview of the office of
the president, he should be appraised of
the difficulties and asked for his help.
brary faculty should be lifted
brought to the office of the Provos
tenure and promotion during If
and “deferred” should beactedupi
soon as possible.
2. Library faculty salaries shoul
increased. 'The library is apparentl'
able to attract and keep youngerfe
members because of low salaries
poor working conditions.
6. The custodial staff should be in
structed on procedures for doing their
work quietly. Members of the custodial
staff routinely hold loud and lengthy
conversations on all six floors. Incred
ibly, the library now serves as a training
laboratory for the University’s novice
custodial staff. This is an outrageous vi
olation of the concept of the library as a
place for study. Some other building
should be utilized for such training.
7. Custodial work should be done
during hours of low usage. It is unrea
sonable to expect serious scholarly work
to be done in an area where carpet is be
ing shampooed.
3. The cadre of professional ft
ans should be enlarged. A SOpercc:
crease in their number would not Ik
reasonable. The 50 or so profess
librarians on the staff of thelibran
not be expected to do the work ref
to run a library as large as the Evan
brary. A recent external evaluati#
the Department of History was
tremely critical of the small numljij
professional librarians employedtif
library. 'The conclusion of thees(i
was that the library needs a sulrf
increase in the number ofitsbibij
phers. Though they have been rtf
edly asked to do so by the director,!
library faculty should notbeexpec®
do the work of professional bibli(
phers.
8. The uneven pavers at the head of
each flight of stairs and elsewhere
should be carpeted. Dollies, vacuum
cleaners and other wheeled appliances
create intolerable noise when they come
into contact with these pavers.
9. The library should be retrofitted to
insulate public spaces from study
spaces.
Texas A&M University will nevdij
first-rate university without a:
library. There is no reason wli
should lag behind the Universif
Texas in this area. It is essentiali
entire Texas A&M community I
recent deterioration of the Evafl
brary be reversed and that we etij
period of reasonable growth. \
act quickly, or it will be too late.
• Staff — Library staff must be en
larged and steps taken to improve its
morale.
1. What appears to be a de facto
freeze on tenure and promotion of li
lt would be a shame if thedirec
the library in the year 2050 weretc
to write in The Battalion thattb
little that can be done because!
poor foundation laid during thel'|
and 1990s.
Dr. Larry Hickman is an assodm
lessor of philosophy and humanim
The Battalion
(USPS 045 360)
Member of
Texas Press Association
Southwest Journalism Conference
The Battalion Editorial Board
Richard Williams, Editor
Sue Krenek, Managing Editor
Mark Nair, Opinion Page Editor
Curtis Culberson, City Editor
Becky Weisenfels,
Cindy Milton, News Editors
Anthony Wilson, Sports Editor
Jay Janner, Art Director
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