i Page 2/The Battalion/Thursday, July 28,1988 Opinion Once you’re married, beer for breakfast is a no-no Married life has a way of changing a person. I mar ried last year and my lifestyle be came very differ ent from what I was familiar with. I’m not talking about the small changes that one must make when you begin living potatos man must make at the grocery store. When I lived with a couple of guys, shopping was no problem. We simply bought from each of the four basic food groups and everybody was happy. How ever, my wife has informed me that al cohol, steak, potato chips and pizza are not the four basic food groups. Richard Williams with another person. I’m talking about the huge changes that must be made to survive with a person of the opposite sex. Almost nothing is as bad as learning to live with the pantyhose that hang in the bathroom, or being told that football is not a sport to be watched 24 hours ev ery day. My wife tells me it is hard to accept dirty socks thrown about the room, but I don’t believe that’s true. Small changes, like learning to be more responsible, are nothing com pared to the changes that a meat-and- My wife likes things like apricot nec tar, whole wheat bread, diet drinks and well-balanced meals. She thinks the four basic food groups, as taught in school, are to be followed. This is hard for a man to accept. When I lived with the guys I didn’t have to worry about where the furniture went. The furniture was placed in the rooms when we moved in and it stayed there until we moved out, or the roaches got tired of the way it looked and de cided to move it around. The only thing that can make a guy move the furniture is if he needs to cover a stain from a party. Women seem to be different. A mar ried friend said he came home last week after working late one night and en- All show and no substance makes conventions dull The Democratic National Conven tion this week completed its transformation from a political event into a tele- vision event; more’s the pity. What once was a vibrant — if disor- derly and ram bling — ritual has become a spiritless, vapid exercise in party unity, drained of spontaneity, Donald Kaul conflict and meaning. Oh, a few speakers — notably Jesse Jackson — 1 broke through the styrofoam packaging to touch an emotion. But for the most part the convention was dull, not merely in the way of politics with its long-winded speeches, but deeply, pro foundly dull in the manner of television. Framed by that hideous set — “the po dium that ate the Omni” — it looked like a TV game show. Television has a way of doing that. Did you see the All-Star baseball game a couple of weeks ago? They had Mickey Mouse and hundreds of dancers pranc ing around, waving banners and singing psuedo-patriotic songs before the game. Mickey Mouse! At the sacred All-Star game! It was enough to make you burn your bubble gum card collection. Turn down the sound of your tele vision these days and it’s hard to tell whether you’re watching the Super Bowl, the Olympic Games, a beauty pa- gent, a political convention or “Let’s Make a Deal.” They are simply different slices of the same piece of salami. It’s done in the name of entertain ment, oddly enough. Somewhere along the line the people in television have got the bizarre notion that everything should be entertaining and, moreover, entertaining in the same way. So every one cuts his act to fit television’s require ments. The brightest colors are muted, the corners are knocked off controver sies and the event loses its essence. If you live long enough you’ll see a con vention chaired by Vanna White, fea turing the Radio City Rockettes, in which the candidates appear exclusively through commercials. It’s coming. The paradoxical thing, of course, is that the more they try to make the con ventions entertaining, the less entertain ing they become, even to game show fans. People tuned in to the major speeches but outside of that what was there to see? Television reporters relentlessly pursuing the story that wasn’t there: The damage done Michael Dukakis by his “cave-in” to Jesse Jackson. Puzzled delegates kept saying “What cave-in?” but the TV types wouldn’t be taken in. They kept worrying that story like a dog a sock, asking the same dumb questions again and again. (Switching back and forth between channels produced an astonishing reve lation: ABC is the best news network. It’s got the least hysterical reporters and most thoughtful commentators.) The real story of the convention was that Dukakis took control of the party, handling “the Jackson problem. If the convention proved anything else, it was that George Bush is in for some heavy sailing this fall. Hardly a speaker passed up an opportunity to hurl an insult at the vice president. Ann Richars hung the “born with a silver foot in his mouth” label on him. Ted Kennedy hit him with his “Where’s George?” routine. Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower called the vice president “a man who was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.” Even former President Jimmy Carter and Sen. Lloyd Bentsen got in their licks. Asked whether Bush’s constant slighting references to the Carter presi dency bothered, Carter said: The Battalion (USPS 045 360) Member of Texas Press Association Southwest Journalism Conference The Battalion Editorial Board Richard Williams, Editor Sue Krenek, Managing Editor Mark Nair, Opinion Page Editor Curtis Culberson, City Editor Becky Weisenfels, Cindy Milton, News Editors Anthony Wilson, Sports Editor Jay Janner, Art Director tered the house without a light. He walked past where the television should be and turned to go down the hall way when something suddenly tackled him. After removing the rug from his mouth he found a light switch and saw that the room was rearranged. He swears the furniture was moved around again be fore he got up the next morning. Apartment decorating is another area that males seem to care less about. My wife refuses to allow me to hang beer posters on the wall. To a man, a beer poster on the wall is better than two of Mona Lisa. A Coors Light poster is art — a painting of three ducks swimming in a stream by the windmill is not true art. for about four years. Guys don’t worry about little things like toilet seats. However, the lesson was finally brought home in about one minute’s time. My wife, groggy from just waking, headed towards the bathroom. Soon af ter she entered I heard what sounded like a splash. The splash was followed by words I had never heard in four years of living with guys. The look she gave me when she came out of the bathroom convinced me it was time to start putting the seat down. e 1 My wife wants furniture that matches. Before I was married I consid ered milk crates from the same com pany matching furniture. The closest I came to having the chairs match the couch was the time that we had the same brand of beer spilled on them. Another of the major changes in my life was learning to put the toliet seat down. This was very hard to learn for a man that has lived with a group of guys Women also seem to have this thing about how the toliet paper is placed on the spindle. My friend says his wife will argue about whether the paper should roll off from the top or the bottom. I don’t care how it rolls off as long as it is in the bathroom. Being married has also forced me to change my kitchen habits. I lived in a fraternity house in which the guys did all of the cooking. We had cast iron stomachs. We could eat anything and survive. I was used to cooking today and cleaning the dishes next week. My wife objects to this and 1 can’t undclf why. 1 can no longer fix suppe* then wait until next week to wipB green stuff from the plate. My wife won’t let me havecold|| french fries, cheese cake and stmL] Quik for breakfast. Once againllfexas this hard to swallow (or not to), fgnp^ Being married has changed®*^ habits. My old roommates woultH^p me to the Chicken the night lxgge se test. My wife won’t do that. MywiiB-ts this theory that an increasedamotfeftui time spent studying will resultmP h< creased grades. ^ My old roommates’ theorywasjBLp talking about the test over a few On a beers the grades wouldn’t matteiBhh< theory is proving to be true, but : from like to spend some more time vasl on my old roommates’theory. P ri 1 7 iiF ec I’m not trying to say that mar: | .))r. is terrible. Far from it. I loveDtjreseat death, but if 1 could just get he pi kx me hang that poster of Heatheif 00 ' 18 * lr.11 ii M 1 k 11\ 111'> rc m >m and ... an< 1 Richard Williams is a senioragr juiy. ral journalism major and editorshi^^ Battalion. K and tl MUTTER MUMBLE ELVISTAWSTO ME WtC mABLE BABBLE FENX/ THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND PRATTLE JABBER UTTLE GREEN MAKIMNS \N TUE LAUNDFOMW ABGLEEAFGLE ratim I A 1 1980 \ yucm YOU'VE JUST EtEKli*, us FOR ME TO PEF1ME MYSBF-Wi! TREBLE BURBLE SPARE CHANGES BLATHER'WO, GOLLY, VT'S TIME YOU V