Page 2/The Battalion/Wednesday, February 17, 1988
Opinion
What’s this business about picking up chicks?
The following is
an excerpt from a
soon to be re
leased book “How
to Pick Up Chicks
at Texas A&M.”
According to the
author, who pre
fers to remain
anonymous, the
book will soon be
featured on late
night UHF tele-
John
MacDougall
vision commercials nationally for only
$19.95.
Chapter Four - Breaking the Ice
It is common knowledge to guys that
small talk is one of the most effective
means of meeting quality females in Col
lege Station. Let’s consider the following
case.
Name: Marvin Goodaggie
Age: 21
Transportation: 1972 Dodge Dart
Major: Nuclear something
Hobbies: Collecting Star Trek memora
bilia, racing radio-control sailboats and
trading baseball cards
Social life: Member, Order of the Moose
Last date: 1979, when mother forced
him to take his second cousin to a sixth
grade dance.
i Major weakness: “I try to meet girls in
bars, but when I walk up to them I for
get what a I was going to say and start
stammering. Then I turn beet-red and
run to the bathroom to throw up.”
Marvin needs help. To the average
coed, his life reads about as exciting as
an economics textbook. He desperately
needs some bar room lines to break the
ice with College Station’s finest.
There was a time no more than a de
cade ago when Marv could win affection
with a sensitive approach. But things
were different then. Alan Alda was a
spokesperson for a generation of sensi
tive men who understood the trials and
tribulations of womanhood. Phil Dona
hue told men that it was okay to speak
from their hearts, and Jimmy Carter re
vealed that he had lust in his ticker. At
the time, the following line would have
evoked eye watering sympathy from a
woman. “You know, I’ve often won
dered why most of my closest friends
are female ... I guess because I can re
late to them on a deeper emotional
level. And my male friends are so
caught up in that competition thing.”
Nowadays, in clubs across America,
sensitive lines such as that one elicit ego-
busting responses like “Are you gay?”
Fact is that today’s woman wants a fa
ther figure — a strong man with ambi
tion and direction. Down with wimps
and up with macho power. It used to be
that commercials featured bubble
headed blondes holding products and
smiling seductively. Now, Madison Ave
nue parades skivvy-clad, brainless
hunks across our TV screens hawking
everything from cologne to grape nut
cereal. These advertising agencies are
trying to tell men that they need to be
tough, ambitious and motivated.
This means that the average college
male must embellish his background a
bit if he expects to make a splash in a
nightclub.
“What are you majoring in?”
“Astrophysics and pre-med. Tm
going to work for NASA as a medical
doctor on the first shuttle mission to
Mars. I’ve already been pre-selected for
astronaut training school after gradua
tion.”
If that doesn’t make her jaw drop,
nothing will. Of course, there is another
angle. I call it the “I don’t know what
I’m going to do after graduation, but I
know I’m going to be rich” approach.
“Well, right now I’m pre-med and
pre-law. I’ve considered going to medi
cal school after I get out, then going to
law school so I can specialize in malprac
tice law. Then maybe I’ll get an MBA
and open my own business.”
Today’s college student needs to tai
lor his openers to the environment in
which he is carousing. He should down
grade the career bull if he’s drinking
beer in the Dixie Chicken. If he wants to
meet a coed at a local Greenpeace chap
ter meeting, a more socially conscious
approach would work. Consider this
one.
“It really bothers me when those
party animals on Spring Break taunt the
sea gulls. Every year, thousands of these
defenseless birds die needlessly on the
beaches of Padre Island because ruth
less college students feed them Alka-
Seltzer tablets. Poor critters can’t burp.
They just . . . they just . . . explode
(sigh).”
For those who aren’t as adept at small
talk, the safest place to meet women is in
a loud club. These establishments are so
noisy that customers must abbreviate
what they want to say into a few short
bursts between bass beats. A typical
dance floor conversation goes like this:
“Hi, (bump bump) my name is Marv.”
“Huh?”
B
“1 said (bump dee dah bump)
NAME IS MARV.”
“No, (bump de da) I DRIVEA!
PED”
(Smile politely at each other)
If you don’t dazzle them withb
ance, baffle them with bullshit. Aji
nalist friend of mine has had model
success posing as a reporter for Rol
Stone Magazine. Unfortunately for
his spiel only works in dark
cause he’s too preppy to look the
I le has also posed as an Engli
sni (tb.ii iuu abscduielv no responsf.JjibiK'
unemployed repo man and an unfeH'^
lied government agent. “1 work for |
Government,” is all he says, with
emphasis on Government. Youco
most believe him when hewearsaviaa
sunglasses.
If first impressions are lastingoi*
college males should makesuretheut
prepared with an arsenal of lines. Its
A&rM coeds deserve better openerstk
“Where have you been all my life?’I
the classic phony case of mistaken it
tity. “Suzy, how’ve you been. Godti
are looking great . . . Oh, I’m sormi
look so much like a girl I usedtodatf
John MacDougall is a graduate sink
and a columnist for The Battalion.
Mail Call
Eat more meat
EDITOR:
In order to avoid rash judgement, a probe is desperately needed into the
university food services across the state. For example, it is easy to assume that
the recent upheaval in assault charges is a direct result of aggressive behavior
by the more physically adapted species. I would like to suggest, however, that
this trend is more readily attributable to malnutrition, caused by an insuffi
cient supply of red meat to the body. Because university dining facilities may
offer only minimal amounts of this staple, the stronger individual is forced to
scavenge restaurants, bars and parking lots for satiation.
It would be absurd to suggest that the universities of our state allot more
money for food services, for there are greater needs at hand — parking ga
rages, research, etc. Thus, it is our duty, as the physically maladapted species,
to join in the food-chain and let natural selection take its proper course.
Ron Pippin ’88
Lacking awareness
EDITOR:
Shannon Bower’s letter displayed a sad lack of awareness of both history
and current events. Somehow, criticism of Israel’s handling of “crazed Pales
tinians” became, for her, turning the Middle East over to the communists.
This is complete nonsense. A little history (Ms. Bower could possibly begin by
reading her Bible) shows us that the religious and ethnic conflicts there pre
date Karl Marx by several millenia. Nor are the communists poised for a take
over: the Soviet Union’s only significant ally in the region is Syria; T he PRC
has none. We, on the other hand, have a number of friends in the area
(Egypt, Israel, Jordan, and Saudi Arabia) and have a tremendous interest in
seeing a peaceful resolution of these problems.
Ms. Bower’s comments about “slime oozing up” through Central America
make her appear equally uninformed. There are historical and cultural rea
sons for the racial and class oppression in these countries; many people there
(mistakenly, I believe) see communism as their only hope. If we wish to keep
the Soviets from taking advantage of Central America’s poor people, perhaps
we should offer them something superior to what we have in the past.
I think communism is misguided and essentially ridiculous. In the strug
gle for human survival, progress and freedom, however, ignorance is no
help. I urge Ms. Bower to take a course in history, anthropology or sociology
and broaden her perspective. After all, that’s what the university is here for.
Jeff Farmer
Graduate Student
Thank you, Mr. Ovenden
EDITOR:
I thought about writing in response to the article “Poverty: A Culture
Shock.” Views of this sort have enraged me for a long time. So long in fact
that I have stopped fighting them. I have grown callous toward such percep
tions. That is one of the reasons I did not respond when I read the article. I
have accepted them as part of the environment in which I exist.
The main reason for my letter is to thank Mr. Thomas D. Ovenden for
his response to the article. He did what I no longer have the will or desire to
do. I do not condemn Ms. Galarneau’s view or perception. However, I do
hope that she does not accept her initial experience and misguided informa
tion as the gospel truth.
I must stop now as I do not want to get worked up. It may cause me to
show my “true colors.” Once again, thank you Mr. Ovenden. If I can ever do
anything for you sir, I am at your service.
Hector Hernandez ’88
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Living forever is one tough job
My friend
Rigsby, the health
freak, has decided
he wants to live
forever.
“That’s impos
sible,” I said to
him.
“Not with the
recent break-
throughs that foil
the aging process
and also guard
Lewis
Grizzard
against certain life-threatening dis
eases,” he replied.
I asked him to give me specifics.
“First,” he began, “there’s Retin-A,
the new skin cream that takes away ag
ing lines, and blemishes and also makes
the skin take on a youthful, rosy glow.”
“Are you sure,” I said, “this isn’t just
some new snake oil?”
“What, you don’t read the papers?”
asked Rigsby. “Said C.M. of Oshkosh:
‘My face looked like it had been run
over by every participant in the New
York Marathon until I began using
Retin-A. Now, I look 20 years younger
and have joined a square-dance club.’
“And, C.M.’s not the only one,”
Rigsby went on. “D.F. of Montgomery
said, ‘For the last 15 years, my husband
has made me wear a sack over my head
when we go out. Then I discovered
Retin-A, and this old bag is finally out of
the bag.’”
“I’m not going to die of a heart at
tack,” he said.
“And how do you know know that?” I
asked.
“Because studies indicate that heart
attack risk can be greatly decreased by
Jaking regular doses of aspirin.
“It’s only 11 in the morning,” he went
on, “and I’ve already had two Anacins,
an Advil, a Goody’s powder and a
Midol, for good measure.”
“But what if all that aspirin affects
your stomach?” I asked.
“I’m washing down each aspirin with
a big swig of Maalox,” Rigsby said. “If
that doesn’t work, there’s still Rolaids,
Turns and the fast-cutting action of
Pepto Bismol.”
“OK,” I said, “you got Retin-A for
your skin, you’re taking aspirin to pre
vent a heart attack. What else are you
going to do in order to live forever?”
“Simple,” Rigsby replied. “I’m going
to use Simplesse by the NutraSweet
Company.”
“Simplesse?”
“It’s the new natural substituteforf'
that mimics its rich taste and t
but cuts the calorie content in icecreat
butter and other foods up to SOpercefl
“By using Simplesse, I cancutdo*'
my cholesterol intake and lose wig)
and not have to sacrifice taste.”
“What about cancer?” I asked.
“I’ve given up smoking and eating
con.”
“Liver problems?”
“I drink non-alcoholic beer.”
“What about getting killed inanadj
dent?”
“I’ve quit flying, I always wearI
belt in my car, I have a smoke alarm J
my home, and I avoid ladders and bind
cats.”
“But,” I said to Rigsby, “you’re
not going to live forever.”
“I guess you’re right,” he answer#)
“Besides,” he added, becoming p^ 1
sophic, “it’s like R.F. of Des Moinessa)
with his dying words, ‘ForeverisaM
time to take Pepto Bismol.’”
T here is a message there somewb'J
I’m not certain what it is, but it’s there
Copyright 1987, Cowles Syndicate
The Battalion
(USPS 045 360)
Member of
Texas Press Association
Southwest Journalism Conference
The Battalion Editorial Board
Sue Krenek, Editor
Daniel A. LaBry, Managing Editor
Mark Nair, Opinion Page Editor
Amy Couvillon, City Editor
Robbyn L. Lister and
Beclky Weisenfels,
News Editors
Loyd Brumfield, Sports Editor
Sam B. Myers, Photo Editor
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BLOOM COUNTY
by Berlce Breath#;