Page 2/The Battalion/Monday, February 15,1988
Opinion
The winner gets a lovely 10-year sentenci
The following is
a true story. The
names and places
have not been
changed to protect
the innocent, be
cause, as Kurt
Vonnegut puts it,
they are protected
by God as part of
the heavenly rou
tine.
And this is the
way the story goes:
Mark
Nair
Beauty contests are everywhere. Miss
America, Miss USA, Miss Warsaw Pact.
There’re everywhere. But behind the
contests, the glamour, the lights and
sounds and music and the et cetera, et
cetera, et cetera, there is a menacing evil
lurking about. While the babes doll
themselves up to impress the panel of
celebrity judges, while the celebrity
judges doll themselves up to impress the
babes, bad things are afoot.
The scandal this week? Shoplifting.
Shoplifting by prospective Miss USA.
You see, Sue Bolich, Miss ex-Minne-
sota-USA resigned her crown in dis
grace last Monday after some theft
charges were filed against her. Miss
Minnesota-USA, accused of shoplifting.
By the pricking of my sticky fingers,
something wicked this way kind of lin
gers.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! Sue’s re
placement, Miss Minnesota-USA num
ber two, has had to resign her crown
and all its glory, too. The scandal? Shop
lifting. I kid you not.
They must have very light stores in
Minnesota.
BUT, THERE’S MORE! Yet another
promising candidate for fame and for
tune has had a run-in with the law. The
police last month arrested Suzanne Pit
man, Miss Kentucky-USA, for driving
while intoxicated. This does not sit well
with the parents.
Now here’s the catch: the Miss USA
officials have decided to ignore the
transgressions and sorrowful ways of
ex-Miss Minnesota-USA and Miss Ken- \
Athletic ability
not based on race
During the
Jimmy “the
Greek” Snyder
media circus, I no
ticed a common
theme in most of
the rantings and
ravings about the
Greek’s alleged
racism.
Everyone
agreed that
Snyder spouted
Mike
Royko
nonsense when he said black slaves had
been bred for size and strength, and
that’s why their descendants are supe
rior athletes.
But I don’t recall hearing anyone ar
gue with the Greek’s basic premise —
that blacks are better athletes than
whites. That’s probably because it has
become conventional wisdom that
blacks are just born with greater natural
physical skills.
So the sports experts and other com
mentators bawled Jimmy out for his
half-baked genetic theories, but they
didn’t dispute the basic premise.
Well, I’ll dispute it. I don’t believe
blacks are better athletes than whites.
Or that whites are better athletes than
blacks.
I don’t have any scientific evidence to
support my argument. I base it on what
I’ve seen with my own eyes.
For example, I’ve seen Willie Mays,
who is black, play center field brilliantly,
run fast and hit baseballs often and far.
To some people, Mays might be an ex
ample of black athletic superiority.
But I’ve also seen Mickey Mantle,
who is white, play center field brilliantly,
run fast, and hit baseballs often and far.
In fact, he could hit th ball further than
Mays. And did it batting lefty or righty,
on defective legs, and frequently with a
hangover.
Mays was a little faster. Mantle was a
little stronger. Beyond that, there was
little difference, except their skin color.
Or consider more recent players. It’s
generally agreed that the best first base-
man in baseball is Don Mattingly. The
best second baseman is Ryne Sandburg,
the best shortstop is either Ozzie Smith
or Cal Ripkin. And for years, Mike
Schmidt has been the premier third
baseman. All but Smith are white.
Does this mean that whites are better
infielders? No, it just means that these
particular athletes happen to be the best
right now.
What’s that you say? There are some
sports in which blacks are clearly domi
nant? Right. Basketball and boxing. But
what does that prove?
In basketball it proves two things.
First, height is an important factor. And
it has been scientifically established that
a greater percentage of black men are
above 6 feet tall than white men.
Second, there are few sports that cost
less to play than basketball. That’s the
biggest reason impoverished big-city
ghettos produce so many basketball
players.
The same holds true for boxing. The
lowest economic classes have always pro
duced the fighters. When Jewish immi
grants were stuffed into big-city ten
ements, they produced toughs like the
great Barney Ross. He knocked hell out
of most of the blacks he fought, but no
body suggested that meant Jews were
better athletes than blacks.
For that matter, Rocky Marciano, the
great heavyweight champ, never lost a
fight. And many of the large men he
decked were black. Did that mean Ital
ians were superior athletes?
Then we have football, the game that
caused Jimmy the Greek’s downfall.
The best runner I ever saw was
Jimmy Brown, who was black. But I saw
him knocked backward by Dick Butkus,
who was white and the best linebacker
who ever played. What does that prove?
Nothing, except that they were both su
perb athletes. One was a great runner.
The other was great at flattening great
runners.
Gayle Sayers, a black, was the most
elusive runner I ever saw. Larry
Czonka, a white, was the most powerful
runner I ever saw. Look at their re
cords and you’ll see they achieved the
same results but in different ways. Who
is to judge which one was the better ath
lete? I do know I would have preferred
to have Sayers run past me than Czonka
run over me.
If we want to deal in generalities, I
can make a case that Chicago’s Poles,
Bohemians, Italians and Irish have a
special athletic gift. We are the greatest
16-inch softball players in the world. We
proved it by winning every national
championship of that bare-handed
sport every year for a quarter of a cen
tury.
Is it in our genes? Or Chicago’s water
supply? Did our peasant ancestors have
big, strong hands, which we inherited?
Or could the answer be simpler? Such
as the fact that about 85 percent of all
16-inch softballs are sold in the Chicago
area. And that this is where the game is
most often played, so if we play it more
than anyone else, we are going to be bet
ter than anyone else.
Copyright-1987, Tribune Media Services, Inc.
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The Battalion Editorial Board
Sue Krenek, Editor
Daniel A. LaBry, Managing Editor
Mark Nair, Opinion Page Editor
Amy Couvillon, City Editor
Robbyn L. Lister and
Becky Weisenfels,
News Editors
Loyd Brumfield, Sports Editor
Sam B. Myers, Photo Editor
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tucky-USA. T he officials have chosen to
give our fair ladies the chance to com
pete in the Miss USA competition. That
is, if Sue and Suzanne want to. Suzanne
wants to. Sue is taking the fifth.
So, this is what our sacred beauty con
test institution has come to — a display
of thugs, ruffians, misfits and rogues.
We should all be ashamed of ourselves.
What has become of the American
dream? What has become of (here the
author begins to weep; tears stream
down his pallid /acejour love, our life,
our beauty pageants?
fud and Jed are sitting by the TV.
The fire in the empty can of chewing to
bacco illuminates the room.
Jed: Shoo-wee, there sure are a lot of
perty girls there on that stage.
Jud: Shoo-wee, there sure are.
Jed: Hey ain’t that Miss Guam? Didn’t
she git arrested last week for bank rob
bery?
Jud: No, Jed, you’re thinking of Miss
Ideeho. Miss Guam was the one that
blew up that armored car.
Jed: Oh, yeah.
Jud: Hey, ain’t that Miss Cheesebur
ger? She killed twenty-three people yes
terday with a toaster.
Jed: Shoo-wee, that was some trick. 1
bet she got this thing all wrapped up be
cause of that.
Jud: Shucks, she’ll take the talent
part, no problem.
The host of the pageant begins to ask
Miss Cheeseburger a question. Host:
Miss Cheeseburger, if you win the title,
what will you do for all mankind?
Miss Cheeseburger: 1 would like to
help all mankind and help everyone live
in peace and harmony, knocking over a
few convenience stores while I’m at it.
Jed: Shoo-wee, hear that?
Jud: ’Course I did. What a crook.
Jed: Yeah, but who cares? She’s per-
tee.
Host (to Miss Guacamole): So, Miss
Guacamole, for the talent part of the
program, you will show us how to con
struct a small nuclear device, is that
right?
Miss Guacamole: Right, Bob!
She goes on to mix p/utoniim^
Soft Soap together.
Jud: Look at that! What a terrorist
Jed: Yeah, but who cares? She'spt tht E
tee. Real pet tee. ■Th
Daws pass. 1 he contest is /inall/oit ■*• u
Hob the 1 lost is declared the H'imj’f ' ,ist
ii i in
/ here is much rejoicing. ■ (ef
fud opens a beer. Jed looks fori on Sa
lomiis in the newspaper. On thek l.Wu
page of the paper, a headlineyellsoi W ^
"Kiddie Crime Spree Strikes City-t ■" P
luc IILime r.igc.mt ('.mduhues
News \i leu. I le\cn, 7'ne/ie iiB mil
One
. SOIn<-i
Doll makers begin to outfit f:|kn<iw
with a swit( hblade. I hey give A’ensffiB ee 1
Mace ■P h '
lh-.i\\ weapons sales are briskj
cuts fear lor their lives. 77ie JmeniBjhi
economy bounces back.
And that's the way the story goes.
Mark N air is a senior political
major and opinion page editor for
Battalion.
id
solved
ibefore
esid
Just what is the USSR?
region within the USSR Calling the Soviet Union‘Russia
is akin to referring the the USA as Texas. v
EDITOR:
Goodmorning campers! It’s time for some basic geo
graphical awareness. This week’s current bitch is a simple
matter of terminology. I’m just about fed up with the mis
use of the word “Russia.”
While it is true the some folks believe the only deceni
state in the United States is Texas, I do not feelthatil
would be all that neat if Soviet journalists and politicians
stated to call the United States “Texas.”
It has become apparent that even supposedly learned
folks in this and other great cities of the USof A can not
grasp the concept that the USSR is not RUSSIA!!
It is not the “Russians”, it’s the “Soviets.” Mereendetli
the lesson.
The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is a country
while Russia is a state (or republic, you choose). If one is
speaking about the Soviet Union before the revolution of
1914, then it is appropriate to call it Russia. However, Rus
sia in current times refers to a specific cultural and political
John R. Grizz Deal
Graduate Student
su:
Letters to the editor should not exceed 300 words in length. The editorial staff rt-
serves the right to edit letters for style und length, hut will make every effort It
maintain the author’s intent. Each letter must be signed and must indudethick
sification, address and telephone number of the writer.