Page 2/The Battalion/Thursday, February 4, 1988
Opinion
Candidates need the kamikaze touch to win in 1983
Tracy
Staton
It’s not easy to
be a presidential
candidate in 1988,
the year of the
smorgasbord cam
paign . With the
plethora of oppo
nents, candidates
need a uni q u e
touch.
One candidate
has come up with
an idea that could
change the nature of this campaign.
This wonderful technique is the cam
paign slogan. But not just any slogan. It
has to be a catchy phrase that the public
will repeat for days after hearing it.
It’s not a terribly new idea, nor is it
very original. Advertisers have been us
ing it for years. They plant slogans in
our brains and watch them niggle away
until we fly the f riendly skies while we’re
having a Coke and a smile.
Sen. Bob Dole of Kansas has taken
the advertising slogan off the tube and
into the towns of Iowa. And with consid
erable success. His campaign officials
are optimistic about the slogan’s effects,
and informal polls show Dole with a
sizeable lead over George Bush in the
state.
And I’m sure you all want to know
what the mystery saying is. Okay, you’ve
got it. (Drum roll please) “He’s one of
us. ”
Yes, that’s it. It’s the catch phrase that
the Dallas Morning News reported
Tuesday and is being parroted by peo
ple who attend Dole’s campaign appear
ances. Pollsters say people answer their
questions with, “I’m for the one who’s
one of us.”
Dole’s reaction? The Dallas Morning
New s said Dole knows his slogan’s popu
larity irritates his opponents but said, “I
can’t help it if they’re not one of us.”
Hmmm.
I can’t help but picture hundreds of
people sitting in a banquet hall repeat
ing “he’s one of us” over and over while
Dole thumbs his nose at his fellow Re
publican candidates.
“Nanny nanny boo boo, I’ve got a bet
ter slogan than you do,” Dole says in my
delirious dream. Then he laughs all the
way out the door while the people fol
low dazedly behind, still muttering,
“he’s one of us.” Faintly reminiscent of
the Pied Piper of Hamlin. Scary.
I don’t know if Dole’s opponents are
as stressed about this scenario as I am.
They should be. They need to jump on
the trend now while it’s hot.
Just so they won’t feel left out of the
race I’ve compiled a list of slogans for
some of the other presidential candi
dates. To test their effectiveness read
them aloud at least 20 times each. Then
look in the mirror to see if your pupils
are dilated. If they are, write a letter to
the candidate and recommend that he
adopt this slogan. You will be doing him
a favor.
George Bush — This former “wimp”
may have shed his lightfooted image by
taking on Dan Rather singlehandedly. I
recommend that he focus on this side of
his personality and use the slogan:
“I’ll slug it out for America.”
The slogan could appear with red-
white-and-blue boxing gloves.
Alexander Haig — Haig has been
controversial in the past because of his
“I’m in charge” statement when Ronald
Reagan was shot in 1981. To reverse
this overbearing image, Haig should
whisper:
“May I be in charge, p/eeeeez?”
Haig should carry a teddy bear to his
appearances to further soften his tough
guy persona.
Gary Hart — Hart has been nailed
for adultery, and he has lived to deny it.
Nothing can shake this playboy image,
so he should capitalize on it and say:
“Come sail away with me.”
It might also be helpful if Hart
dressed like Don Johnson.
Paul Simon — The public remem
bers Simon because a singer shares his
name and because the candidate wears a
bow tie. Combining these two character
istics into a jingle would be most effec
tive for Simon.
(Sing to the tune of “Slip Sliding
Away”)
I’m your next president,
I’m your next president,
I know I wear a bow tie,
But I know I’d be a great president.
Simon needs a good singing voice for
this one. But it he can’t carry a tune, he
could hire Paul Simon (the other one) to
sing the jingle while Simon the politician
lip-synched.
Pat Robertson — People strongly
identify Robertson with television evan
gelism. Since it worked for him in the
I V ministry it can work for him in a
presidential campaign. But he should
mimic one of his more financially suc
cessful colleagues, Oral Roberts, and
plea for votes by saying:
God says I will die if you don'hl
for me.
Robertson should conjure upao
sweat and babble about visions oh
to make this slogan more effective.
Jesse Jackson — Since Jackson slu
his surname with the ever-popularjij
son Five, he should hire Michaelji]
son to sing a jingle for him:
A-B-C
It’s easy to vote for me,
Simple as do-re-mi
A-B-C, 1-2-3
Baby, vote for me.
It could cost quite a lot of monel
hire Mich ael Jackson, but if Jessejj
son promised to dance in Michael's a
video, they may be able to worki|
trade of some kind.
My advice to the candidates-d
let of Bob Dole have an unfair adJ
tage in this race. Adopt a catchpM
ASAP. Kamikaze tactics are necessarj
this “you can’t win if you don'teniq
campaign.
Tracy Staton is a senior journalism
jor, a staff writer and a columnm
The Battalion.
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Daniel A. LaBry, Managing Editor
Mark Nair, Opinion Page Editor
Amy Couvillon, City Editor
Robbyn L. Lister and
Becky Weisenfels,
News Editors
Loyd Brumfield, Sj'orts Editor
Sam B. Myers, Ph&to Editor
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Support your local basketball team
EDITOR:
As staunch Aggie basketball fans we were very disappointed in the crowd,
yell leaders, and band’s participation in Saturday night’s game.
Only 2,900 people showed up at the ladies game, of which approximately
1,600 were very vocal t.u. fans. We were drowned out in our own G. Rollie
White Coliseum.
Students not show up in large numbers for the game, and only one yell
leader was there firing up the students against the number five team in the
nation who is also our arch rival. Where were the other four?
As for the Pulse of Aggieland, which insists on taking up good seats at the
men’s games, it also was not present for the game when the whole student
side was wearing orange.
Every Aggie should feel bad about getting out-supported by the usually
classless t-sips in our own gym.
One final thought. As we left G. Rollie on Sunday, we were in shock by
the lack of attendence for the MEN’S game. Come on Ags! Only 4,400 for the
t.u. game? Let’s start showing support for something other than football.
Daron Moore ’89
Clay Hopkins ’89
A never-ending quest for box scores
EDITOR
As avid sports fans, we have enjoyed watching A&M win their fair share
of games over the past two or three years. However, our never ending quest’
for sport statistics is not being satisfied by your present sports section. While
your accounts of games are suf ficient, they leave out the essential box score.
The box score gives stats that tell exactly how the game was played. Cur
rently, we are forced to seek box scores in other newspapers. However, since
the primary goal of the other paper may not be to cover A&M sports, the in
formation is occasionally omitted or inadequate.
Maybe if The Battalion were to include complete box scores, with peri
odic team statistics, student interest in baseball and basketball would increase.
It would be nice to know such things as shooting percentage, steals, re
bounds, turnovers, etc. for a basketball game. Also baseball stats would help
us to appreciate the accomplishments of our baseball team. For instance, we
were not aware of A&M’s record setting stats in baseball last year.
The little space occupied by the box score is well worth the information
provided. These two sports fans would greatly appreciate it.
Sterling Fischer ’89
Steve Dickerson ’90
Sick of people slamming Mr. Frederick
EDITOR:
I guess that I may be the only person on this campus who enjoyed and
agreed with Brian Frederick’s “Honor” column. I felt it hit the nail squarely
on the head. It is hard for me to conceive that so many people took offense at
it, and I am sick and tired of reading letters in The Battalion slamming Mr.
Frederick.
An earlier letter was more than I could bear. I have read the “honor” col
umn several times, and unless I am terribly mistaken, I can Find no mention
of returning to the “good old days” of witch hunts, slavery, and rigid sex
roles. Also conspicuously absent from the column are any ideas about limit
ing anyone’s civil rights or individualism.
I respect the other writer’s right to have and express his or her opinion,
but please dp it when it has relevance to an issue.
Jason L. Chamberlain ’91
Letters to the editor should not exceed 300 words in length. The editorial staff reserves the right to edit letters
for style and length, but will make every effort to maintain the author’s intent. Each letter must be signed and
must include the classification, address and telephone number of the writer.
- ismT W** SIMON
WNSHING THE CART
PMAWT, HE’S SUPPOSE!?
T'EE FOtWNGr TW' U4JIW
I told MIK6 PUKAWS
TO WASH TH'CAR/
•4F
Skiing just isn’t worth the bother
I used to go ski
ing about this time
each year, despite
the fact that na
tives of the Deep
South know their
way around snow
much the same as
a rhinoceros
knows its way
around roller
skates. It used to
cost me quite a bit
Lewis
Grizzard
of money to go skiing. After buying ski
pants and ski jackets and ski sweaters
and ski underwear, I still had to buy a
plane ticket that would fly me 2,000
miles to some expensive ski resort out
West.
Then, I had to rent skis and boots
and buy lift tickets.
All this to have the opportunity to
stand atop a mountain in sub-zero tem
peratures trembling in fear as I tried to
figure out how I could get To the bottom
to thaw out without killing or maiming
myself, not to mention what might hap
pen to others who came intomy path.
It would have been simpler, and
cheaper, to have gotten a root canal. I
could have had the same amount of fun.
BLOOM COUNTY
The reason I began skiing in the first
place is I am gullible.
My friend said, “Why don’t you go
skiing with me? You’ll love it.”
1 believed him. I really believed I
would go skiing and fall in love with it
and become a great skier and change
my name to Lars Earl. (You know how
Southerners like double first names.)
I didn’t love skiing after I tried it
once, but I have continued to ski be
cause I thought it would get easier and
more comfortable.
Wrong again. The hassle factor in the
sport of skiing never eased for me.
First there were the boots. Ski boots
weigh approximately the same as a
Honda.
It takes the better part of an hour to
get them on because of the number of
straps and buckles that have to be fas
tened.
Walking in a pair of ski boots is an
other matter. The next time you watch
“Cool Hand Luke” notice how easily the
prisoners move with a ball and chain
and you will know what it is like to at
tempt to walk in a pair of ski boots.
Then comes the lift, which is what
you ride to the top of the mountain]
order to ski back down it.
There is always a long line waiting]
the lift . And I always got on with son*
body who weighed 600 pounds
made the lif t chair lean dangerously.
Once I t ried to get off a lift will
400-pound ski bunny sitting next ton
She fell during her dismountal
landed on top of me.
Big Foot lives.
Skiing can be embarassing,
never fell when I was skiing alone I
when I was off on some distant run. 1
ways fell either in the lift lineordirec
under the lift so I always had an an 1 ]
ence, which inevitably included
children, from places like Utah and!
orado, who would point and laugh]
me.
All this to say I’m not going to relil
to the slopes as usual this winter./hi
matter of fact, I’m never going:
again.
The bother isn’t worth it. Andsm
ain’t my style.
Of Lars Earl here has hungup!
boots for good.
Copyright 1987, Cowles Syndicate
by Berke Breathg
reorcs, i FeftK our
OPTIONS FOR A MPFPOW
PARTY PRF5IPBNT1PL-
CANPIPATF ARB AS
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CAT. CLEAN
. AS A PART'S
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NO WOMANIZING,
NO PLAGIARIZING.
NO MARUVANASIZING,
NO ANT! - SBMmCIZING,
ANP NO STUP!PRIZING
FOR AT LEAST tU
M10NTH5.
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