Page 2/The Battalion/Wednesday, July 1, 1987
Opinion
Pills can’t replace pain in Americans’ fight to be thin ^
America is the
fattest nation on
the face of the
earth. Ironically,
its citizens are the
most obsessed
with being thin.
Having a slim
trim body along
with eating ice
cream and french
fries is an
American
Paula
Vogrln
sp<
a year fighting the battle of the bulge.
Unfortunately not all of the money is
spent on safe, proven diet plans and
exercise equipment.
In their quest for the body beautiful,
many Americans aren’t willing to give
up their favorite pastas, pies and pizzas.
They want to be thin. They want to be
thin fast. They want to be thin without
exercising. And they don’t want to
change any of their eating habits.
These are the people who fall under
the spell of “miracle medical
breakthroughs,” “amazing diet pills,”
“fat burning capsules” and “lose 50 lbs.
without dieting diets.”
The Food and Drug Administration
has approved only two drugs,
phenylpropanolamine and benzocaine
caffeine,
with caffeine, for use in non
prescription diet aids. Most of the
ingredients in “miracle” diet pills and
the like are not recognized by the FDA
as effective agents for weight loss.
Ingredients in pills offered through the
mail and in health food stores range
from herbal blends to diuretics (fluid
eliminators) to freeze-dried cow brains.
Some ingredients are questionable to say
the least.
Aimed primarily at women and the
less educated members of the American
public, advertisements for these types of
diet aides populate the back pages of
most women’s magazines, fashion
magazines and rags like the National
Enquirer and the Star.
The following are excerpts from ads
in the last few issues of Cosmopolitan.
• NEW MEDICAL
BREAKTHROUGH — LOSE UP TO
50 LBS. WITHOUT DIETING! In a
major medical breakthough the
scientific community has AT LAST
developed a POWERFUL, FAST
ACTING, weight loss compound that
virtually ELIMINATES DIETING,
ELIMINATES STRENUOUS
EXERCISE, and most
IMPORTANTLY, ELIMINATES
FAT, FLAB, AND CELLULITE
FOREVER!
Incredible but true facts:
- Eat all your favorite foods and still
lose weight!
- Your weight loss is automatic. Just
take Cal-Ban 3000 every day and you’ll
automatically lose weight!
- Millions of fat cells will begin to
shrink within 24 hours as your body
goes on a fat burning spree!
- Cal-Ban 3000 is absolutely safe. No
harmful side effects have been
reported. (I think reported is the key
word in this incredible but true fact.)
• THE AMAZING JAPANESE
SUPER PILL — OVER 400,000
SATISFIED CUSTOMERS but the
government says the company needs
more proof. NO EXERCISE, NO
DIET! Try it ABSOLUTELY FREE
FOR 45 DAYS. The North American
distributor of the Japanese Super Pill is
taking a bold and historic step in the
fight against government red tape and
orthodox medical opinionism. You Can
Prove The Japanese Super Pill really
works.
• NEW MIRACLE! THE
SCANDINAVIAN FAT BLOCKER!
EAT TILL YOUR HEART’S
CONTENT! NO DIET! NO
EXERCISE! PERMANENT WEIGHT
LOSS! ONLY TOTAL STARVA FION
WORKS EAS I ER!
• Thousands of Women Get Back
Girlish Figures on Incredible Super
Diet! The QUIKTRIM II DIET PLAN.
IN JUST HOURS after you begin the
QUIKTRIM II DIET PLAN, your body
will begin to BURN OFF YEARS OF
BUILT-UP FAT.
• TAP THE SLIMMING POWERS
ALREADY WITHIN YOU! Lose
weight naturally through subliminal
stimulation. Used with your present
weight loss plan, the results w ill be
NOTHING SHORT OF
SENSATIONAL! Three subliminal
cassette tapes are all you need to
reprogram your subconscious eating
habits. You’ll hear waves breaking on
the shoreline, BUT your subconscious
hears more! TOTALLY RESHAPES
YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS
EATING.
• THE COMBINED
GRAPEFRUIT-HERBAL DIET! The
most sensational, powerful, quick weight
loss plan EVER DISCOVERED! NO
EXERCISE! The clinically proven
formula is the ULTIMATE FAT
DESTROYER! It ACTUALLY PULLS
EXCESS FAT AWAY fromhardto
reach areas such as waist, hips, thighs
and buttocks. YEARS OF FAT
BUILDUP WILL DISAPPEAR
WITHIN WEEKS. With this proven
two-way method you will losefatand
fluids at the unheai d of rate of upt(
- 3 LBS. THE VERY FIRST DAY!
- 9 LBS. THE FIRST TWO DAYS!
- 16 LBS. THE VERY FIRSTWEf
NOTHING WORKS AS FAST
NOTHING IS AS SAFE, NOTHING
CAN HELP YOU LOSE MORE
WEIGHIT!
Nothing is more unbelievable!Coe
on folks, doctors have been tellingusf
years that balanced, sensible diets and
exercise are the only reliable method
weight loss. If these miracle diet pills
actually did “burn ugly body fat"“wlJ
you sleep,” “permanently” and 'witk.
exercise” and still let you “eat till your
heart’s content” all for the “unbelievak'
price of $29.99, $39.99, $49.99,"Jam
Fonda and all of her exercise clones
wouldn’t be making millions on aen
videos. Nike wouldn’t sell any
shoes and Blue Bell ice cream would
part of every meal.
Paula Vogrin is a senior journalism
major and a columnist forThe
Battalion.
mg a
cultu
Being a reel sport
One recent
Saturday
morning, I was
searching through
the vast caverns of
cable television
looking for
something I could
watch to kill an
hour or so.
I came upon
Jimmy Swaggart
begging for
money. I hate to see a grown man beg,
so I moved on, through cartoons, one of
those nature shows that tells all that you
never wanted to know about the
duckbill platypus, and a dozen or so
aerobic classes of the air.
I finally stopped when I came to one
of those fishing shows. I’m not sure
why, but at least nobody was begging me
for money or telling me to do odd
things with my body that could result in
six weeks of traction.
Ever watched a fishing show? They’re
all the same. Two guys are out in the
boat and they’re catching all sorts of fish
and delivering clever commentary.
For example:
“Hot dang! I’ve got me a fish!”
“Dad burn if you ain’t! That’s a nice
fish, too.”
“That is a nice fish.”
“Don’t lose him, Earl, that’s a nice
fish.”
“Look at this fish. How much you
think this fish weighs, Carl.”
“This fish right here? This fish must
weigh 10 pounds.”
“Aw, this fish weighs more than that.
This fish probably goes 12 pounds.”
“What are we gonna do now?”
“Let’s throw this fish back and catch
us another fish.”
Throwing a fish back isn’t all that
humanitarian when you think about it.
Carl and Earl had this fish out of the
water 15 minutes.
I’m sure the fish appreciated all the
nice things that were said, but being out
of the water that long probably caused
brain damage, and when the fish got
back into the drink, it couldn’t warn the
other fish about the two fools in the
boat.
And you know sometimes these
television fishermen go out and don’t
catch any fish. I have no idea how many
times I’ve been fishing in my life, but I
know that more times than not, the only
things biting were the mosquitoes.
I think they should throw in a couple
of episodes on those fishing shows when
Carl and Earl aren’t getting a nibble.
At least that would break up the
monotony of “Ain’t this a nice fish?”
How about this:
“Gettin’ anything, Carl?”
“Nothing, Earl. I told you there
weren’t any fish in this lake.”
“Don’t blame it on me, Carl. Maybe
we’re using the wrong kind of bait.”
“Bait’s butt. You got me up at four
o’clock to come out here and talk to
frogs, and we can’t even drink beer
because we’re on television.”
“Wait a minute, Carl. I think I got
something.”
“Hot dang, Earl! That looks like a
nice fish.”
“It is a nice fish.”
‘Hey, that ain’t no fish.”
“What is it?”
“Looks like a duckbill platypus to
me.”
“But it’s a nice duckbill platypus.”
I eventually tired of the fishing show
and turned back to Jimmy Swaggaart.
He was still begging.
Somebody mail him a carp.
Copyright 1987, Cowles Syndicate
Lewis
Grizzard
Mail Call
Kemp deserves attention
EDITOR:
Overlooked in your June 26 article on the LULAC convention in
Corpus Christi was the real story of the event: the fact that of the nine
presidential candidates who addressed the meeting only one, Jack
Kemp, is a Republican.
That occurrence was just another example proving that Kemp is
the only Republican candidate who has not written off the minority
vote. Yet what he said to the delegates was different from what the
Democrats said. He did not promise more spending, affirmative
action or tariffs. Rather, he called for creation of economic
opportunity through free enterprise zones, tax incentives for
businesses that locate in poor urban areas, and less government
regulation but with continued enforcement of existing civil rights
laws. The convention will never endorse him for 1988 due to his
conservative views on other issues.
But he definitely gave them new issues to think about and set the
stage for a new debate on how best to alleviate the poverty that grips
the nation’s minorities.
Jack Kemp is the candidate of new ideas in 1988. He is the only
Republican candidate seeking to broaden the base of the party so that
it is no longer the “country club boys” that leave minorities and the
poor out in the cold. Whether you eventually agree with him or not
one thing is sure: he and his agenda deserve every voter’s
consideration and examination.
Scot Kibbe ’90
Republican anger comim
a little late in Iran affair
L
Ollie North has
at last committed
an unpardonable
sin: He’s let down
Sen. Orrin G.
Hatch. The Utah
Republican up to
now has stood fast
with North and his
Merry Band of
Constitution
Manglers. But the
other day there came testimony so
awful, so terrible, so damning, that
Hatch had no choice. He expressed his
“feeling of being let down.” North had
tried to cover up that he had accepted a
free security system for his home.
Richard
Cohen
To Hatch, this Was too much. Like
some other Republicans on the
committee investigating the Iran-contra
affair, he had been unmoved by what
he’s learned so far: The President lied
about trading arms to Iran in exchange
for American hostages in Lebanon and
about the role of a “third country”
(Israel); he signed a law (the Boland
Amendment) and then circumvented it;
he misled Congress about his intention
for Nicaragua and has showed himself
serene about revelations that his
subordinates franchised American
foreign policy and were reaping the
benefits of their entrepreneurial skills.
Hatch is tone deaf to sounds that
prompt others to yell bloody murder.
Elliott Abrams, an assistant secretary of
state and the so-called “point man” for
the anti-Sandinista effort, misled
Congress about the secret funding of
the contras in general and about a $ 10
million gift by the sultan of Brunei in
particular. The former national security
adviser, Robert McFarlane, had been a
virtual smoke machine of lies and cutesy
statements. At one time he told the
House Intelligence Committee, “There
is no official or unofficial relationship
with any member of the NSC staff
regarding f und-raising for the
Nicaragua democratic opposition.” To
all this Hatch and others registered
indifference.
Hatch’s sudden letdown comes a bit
late in the game. But it is in consonance
with the ethic dejour of certain
conservatives who, it turns out, are
hardly conservative at all when it comes
to law and the Constitution. For their
cause — for anti-communism in all its
myriad forms and fantasies — they
countenance with equanimity example
after example of the law being flouted
or ignored.
The other day, for instance,
conservatives convened to memorialize
William J. Casey, the former director of
the CIA. From available evidence, it was
Casey who masterminded the secret
f unding of the contras. He was Daddy
Warbucks to Little Orphan Ollie. The
Casey crowd hardly paused to consider
the damage their hero has done to the
agency he headed or to the Constitution
to which he swore fealty. If he thought
he was right — and they agreed —
neither law nor honesty could stay his
course. At the event, that lovely
lemming, Fawn Hall, was cheered for
blindly following North to the shredder.
Law and honesty matter. They are
the bricks by which democracy is made.
The Constitution does not mention
sincerity of purpose as an excuse for
breaking the law. It does not matter that
Reagan is sincere in his anti
communism, that he thinks Marxist
Nicaragua is a real, if congressional!'
unrecoginzed, menace. He stillhadi’
obligation, both ethical and
constitutional, to tell Congressandi
people what he was up to, and to
publicly — not secretly — challenge
laws with which he disagrees. Nomai
what he might think, no matterhov
lofty his purpose, the President isnoi
above the law.
As for North, what’s the big deal
about covering up the acceptanceofi
gift? He had already, in factorspirit
broken so many laws, what did a meal
security system matter? Doesn’t Hat(
understand? T he security systemwa 1
part of the cause, installed in the naff
of the cause, turned on and off to
advance the cause.
The law says a f ederal official is
forbidden from accepting gifts from
private citizens. But North hadalrea
shredded the law, not to mentiona
record of his activities. In this, he* 1
cheered on by some of the commit^
members investigating him. TheeP 1
an anti-communist victory — would
well worth the means.
Mon
MIS
/
I stole
1983
Maybe North’s security system set
a symbolic purpose. By having it
erected, North has forced some
politicians to understand that fence'
what this scandal is all about. The
ancient sages advocated building^
fence” around religous law — to be
meticulous in obvservance lest, throf
erosion, the law itself was broken.S®'
time ago, the Reagan administration
smashed through that fence and
stepped on the law itself. Now, may 1
North’s more prosaic fence illustraff
the damage done. It enhanced his
security, but at the cost of our own
Copyright 1987, Washington Post Writers
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